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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In thinking that men don't leave their wives and children for an OW with kids?

112 replies

CheezePlant · 30/08/2019 18:34

Surely this is very unlikely to happen right? As it's just jumping from one family to another? And for the most part they leave because they can't cope with the whole family situation?

Correct me if I'm wrong. And I guess I CAN see that maybe some people who are both married just truly fall in love but how horrible to leave your own children to essentially go and live with someone else's?! How must that effect the children growing up too?

OP posts:

MsMightyTitanAndHerTroubadours · 30/08/2019 20:09

of course they do...

he leaves the wife and his children as he is expected to do xyz ^because they are his kids too"

he moves in with Ms New Family, gets all his needs met, doesn't bother (and is not expected to bother) with the New Children since they are not his, he can be Mum's cool boyfriend, and EOW him and MsNewFamily have the house to themselves as NewChildren are off to their real father.

OooErMissus · 30/08/2019 20:12

This seems like an odd thing to want to get reassurance on. Not least because of course some men (people) will of course leave for and OW/OM with kids.

Why are you looking for reassurance on this, OP?

Bugsymalonemumof2 · 30/08/2019 20:12

My ex did too. He fucked his OW in OUR bed when OUR 2 week old was fighting sepsis in hospital. He moved in with her and her child soon after.

MorrisZapp · 30/08/2019 20:13

I was going to say nah no way but then I remembered my stepdad left his ex and two kids to live with my mum and us three.

Thirty years later we don't have steps and half's, just brothers and sisters who I adore. Weird, but it was the seventies.

KatharinaRosalie · 30/08/2019 20:13

Was quite a scandal in my village when I was small - I think it was 5-6 families with 2 DC where the dad just took a suitcase and moved in with another family with 2 DC about the same age. Sadly, they all tended to forget about their 'previous' kids and started raising the new ones instead.

Longlongsummer · 30/08/2019 20:14

I also know as a single mother I was way less able to attract men than a couple of years before when I didn’t have my child!

Many said that they didn’t want to be with a woman with children. Look at the number of online dating sites where men say they don’t want someone with children or over a certain age.

OooErMissus · 30/08/2019 20:14

That is exactly my ex's situation. Left for a woman 18 years younger, who now of course wants her own family,,,,, I am so glad I am not him, having to do over, all over again!

I think maybe you've misunderstood.

Your ex didn't leave for a women who already had children, if she's only wanting children of her own now.

FurrySlipperBoots · 30/08/2019 20:15

I babysat for a girl of 11 who told me this was the situation with her dad. He'd left her with her mum and gone to live with another woman with kids. He spoiled them rotten while treating her like an inconvenience - she even told me how he'd bought them expensive gadgets for their birthdays and hadn't even acknowledged hers, and went on holiday with them without inviting her etc. She was really deeply upset about it. I was playing small world games with her little sister and noticed her (the 11 year old) acting out 'deadbeat dad' scenarios with the figures, so she must have had a lot to work out of her system. She seemed like such a nice young person, I felt heartbroken for her.

Cwtches123 · 30/08/2019 20:15

We had been married for 16 years. Lots of fertility issues, he was I infertile. He refused to consider adoption as he didn't want to raise another man's child. He left me for ow who had 2 kifs

ThatCurlyGirl · 30/08/2019 20:22

Family members husband has just done this.

Uprooting to another country.

Long haul distance away.

To live with a woman he's met twice who has a child the same gender and same age as his wonderful daughter here. Nine. A pivotal age.

He refuses to discuss with any of us properly other than saying he's sure she will be happy because she loves her daddy.

She is broken. Some days she is really, really, really angry. Other days she is heartbroken. I'm not even sure which is worse.

I fucking hate him. I properly, actually hate him.

For some people it's a case of reality getting on top of them and instead of being brave enough to leave the relationship but coparent, or work on the relationship - they find it easier to run away. Pathetic.

Needless to say we will smother her in love, and luckily we are a very close family, but we are all too aware that him doing this will have long term effects on her especially when it comes to trust and relationships.

worlybear · 30/08/2019 20:22

This happened to my daughter too.😨

Hadtonamechangeforthis123 · 30/08/2019 20:28

They do.

My friend was happily married as far as she knew, they were both mid 30's and trying for their first child when he announced he'd been having an affair and left her for a divorced woman with two young children.

OooErMissus · 30/08/2019 20:32

Has the OP been back?

ElizabethMountbatten · 30/08/2019 20:35

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the request of the OP.

Longlongsummer · 30/08/2019 20:38

There’s some sad a DS tragic stories here.

Many of them, the kids did feel abandoned so even if the man went to another family, he abandoned his old one.

Longlongsummer · 30/08/2019 20:38

And... not DS!

JaceLancs · 30/08/2019 20:38

ExDH left me for OW when my DC were 4 and 5, her DC were 4 and 6 she had also been my ‘best friend’ for a few years!
DS doesn’t remember his DF ever living with us now!
DD was devastated at the time though - a memory I would rather not have is her sobbing all over me and asking why xxxxxx had taken away her Daddy, why did he not love her anymore and was it because xxxxxx (OW DD) was prettier than her!!
ExDH also took our home PC which in those days (pre games consoles) they used to play on with adult help
DD felt he had taken one of their toys to give to some other children and was again very upset
Just in case anyone thinks otherwise I did my best to promote a good relationship with their DF for them and tried to stay out of it as much as possible
I didn’t tell them a lot of what had happened until they were adults - and only then when they asked
Sadly I also found out years later how cruel OW had been to my DC - they felt they couldn’t tell me what went on at their DF home whilst on his weekend

AllFourOfThem · 30/08/2019 20:41

Of course they do.

Original poster

CheezePlant · 30/08/2019 20:42

Really sad stories on here

No my DH hasn't left me. Who knows though...

I'm ok though. Don't need to worry about me @Ilikethisone

OP posts:

31RueCambon75001 · 30/08/2019 20:44

I think they can leave the mother of their children, move in with a new family, do precious little. Childcare. Housework. Providing. But drspite giving far less it is no longer expected and they can be a white knight for doing the odd school run

TheTrollFairy · 30/08/2019 20:46

My friends Ex left her for a woman with a child!
He has so many kids and step kids now that he looks like he’s taking out a whole class of kids when they are all together

SimplySteveRedux · 30/08/2019 20:46

for the most part they leave because they can't cope with the whole family situation?

Overly simplistic and a convenient excuse.

ThatCurlyGirl · 30/08/2019 20:47

why did he not love her anymore and was it because xxxxxx (OW DD) was prettier than her!!

Oh @JaceLancs this broke my heart 💔

Jesus that's really gotten to me it's so sad on so many levels, thank god she has a lovely mummy to navigate her through the shitstorm your ex caused.

And well done for taking the moral high ground - it must have been nigh on impossible so MASSIVE kudos to you

squiglet111 · 30/08/2019 20:50

Dhs dad did this. Left dh, mum and sister and shacked up with a mum of a friend of his from his school. Played happy families with her and her kids. They went on nice holidays and got to live in a nice house while dh, his mum and sis were very poor and barely saw him.

LetsTryToLetGoOfAnger · 30/08/2019 20:51

People are people.

getting away from an unbearable shit.
Love/sex/affection

... 999. the desire to be separated from your own kids.

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