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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Colleague and friend's nasty comments

79 replies

origamiunicorn · 30/08/2019 17:00

I work in a large organisation, I have moved roles, sideways and up, within it over the last 8 years and have built up some lovely friendship groups. I've been in my current role since just before Christmas.

I've got to know a group of 2 men and 4 women on my team well and we often lunch together. (I catch up with old work colleagues at lunch separately too so it's as and when) Sometimes it's all of us together and sometimes it's just a few of us due to others are catching up with others themselves. We socialise outside of work too.

Anyway, I've come home today feeling upset and angry and want to know if IABU.

I was meeting these new(ish) colleagues for lunch and walked over to their table. The 4 women and 1 of the men were sat on the table eating and as I walked over I saw man number 2 at the tills talking to another colleague. I grabbed my food and as I walked past I asked if man 2 was joining us for lunch today. He snapped back: No, don't you mean YOU are joining US. (All I meant was, was he having lunch with us or having lunch with this other colleague)

I felt a bit hurt but sat down and all was fine until man 2 joined our table and said "nice of you to grace us with your presence" I asked him what he meant by that and he said where have you been the last week or so, I said away with work and catching up with others. One of the women was then talking about her ex- husband who is being difficult and she was saying how she had no family around for support so I said, we are here if you need us. To which man 2 said "well YOU'RE no use are you"

I made my excuses and left the table early.

I just feel really upset with this and angry with myself for not standing up for myself more.

We all get on well and I get on with man 2 well, I'm not sure what happened today. His comments have made me feel worthless and that I'm not really part of that group. It's pathetic, I'm in my 30s. It's brought back memories of being bullied at school and I have to admit I've had a cry since coming home.

AIBU to feel this way? Maybe I'm over reacting or being oversensitive.

Can someone shake some sense into me? I'm meant to be going out tonight for drinks with them all but am thinking of saying I'm tired and not going.

OP posts:

Original poster

origamiunicorn · 30/08/2019 17:01

Gosh that is long sorry

OP posts:

Drum2018 · 30/08/2019 17:04

Go, and if he says one more word ask him what his problem is. Remind him you're not anybody's property, you can have lunch and socialise with whoever you choose. He sounds like a bloody pre teen.

Stressedout10 · 30/08/2019 17:05

Ignore him and go out tonight don't let him bully you if he says anything else call him out and ask him why he's being a dick towards you

Drogosnextwife · 30/08/2019 17:06

He sounds childish. You should make a joke of it if he says anything again. "jeezo, not allowed out your sight for 2 minutes colleague 2?" or call him out on it. Ask him exactly what his problem is.
Perhaps he feels as though you use them when you have no better options?

helpmum2003 · 30/08/2019 17:08

Go out as planned and have fun. Pull him up in a nice way if he starts up. Maybe he thinks he's funny?

Original poster

origamiunicorn · 30/08/2019 17:08

I think you're right. I was close to saying that at lunch tbh but I didn't want to cause a drama/scene. He is early 30s as well. It's just strange as we get on well, I'd even go as far to say I get on with him and the woman with the difficult ex-husband the best out of the group. I dunno, the comments made me feel very excluded I guess.

OP posts:

Original poster

origamiunicorn · 30/08/2019 17:11

Perhaps he feels as though you use them when you have no better options?

I thought that but they all go on lunch with others too as and when. We have a chat group and we just say "lunch?" and people will say yes or can't today going with XYZ etc.

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Windbeneathmybingowings · 30/08/2019 17:14

“What’s your problem man2, I’m not your wife?” Should resolve it

CassandraCross · 30/08/2019 17:15

Odd, but it does seem as if this man is under the impression that this group are somehow second division to you and you only join them when the first division are unavailable. Go tonight, speak to him on his own and ask him exactly what all that was about today at lunch.

HimHerWhatever · 30/08/2019 17:15

So he is sore because you weren't around for a week? He fancies you. Not that I would recommend going there if he's acting that much of a prick.

dollydaydream114 · 30/08/2019 17:16

Do you think he could have been joking and was just being really clumsy about it? If you usually get on very well, it seems odd that he would suddenly be unpleasant to you.

If it carries on when you go for drinks tonight, I agree with what Drogosnextwife says - respond in a jokey way with something like 'Haha, I know, I can't believe I dared to have other commitments when I can tell how much you've missed me' and laugh it off.

I suppose if he really does seem to mean it nastily you could quietly take one of the others aside and ask if they know what he means or why he's being a bit weird with you.

Original poster

origamiunicorn · 30/08/2019 17:19

Odd, but it does seem as if this man is under the impression that this group are somehow second division to you and you only join them when the first division are unavailable

That has been playing on my mind but like I said above, everyone flits in and out and has lunch with other colleagues. Not sure why I've been singled out

OP posts:

Original poster

origamiunicorn · 30/08/2019 17:21

So he is sore because you weren't around for a week? He fancies you.

He definitely doesn't, he's going out with someone else at work in a different team

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BumbleBeee69 · 30/08/2019 17:21

Personally OP.. I wouldn't sit with them ever again.. but that's just me.

CassandraCross · 30/08/2019 17:24

It does seem strange that he has singled you out when as you say the culture is not one of only lunching with certain colleagues and forming cliques. I'd ask him outright when you see him tonight.

Original poster

origamiunicorn · 30/08/2019 17:24

Do you think he could have been joking and was just being really clumsy about it?

I have been replaying it and think the "grace your presence" comment on its own could be construed as a joke but the other two weren't. The "No. You mean YOU'RE coming with US." was said quite spitefully, the colleague he was with visibly flinched when he said it and looked at me like 'ouch'.

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ClemDanFango · 30/08/2019 17:24

Did anyone else react to his behaviour? Why does he think you need his permission to eat lunch with other people?

Original poster

origamiunicorn · 30/08/2019 17:27

Personally OP.. I wouldn't sit with them ever again.. but that's just me.

That has crossed my mind too. I think my reaction to it is my own personal problem because of my school days. I'm really 50/50 about tonight.

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JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 30/08/2019 17:28

I’d ask him straight what his issue is and why he thinks you owe him your lunch hour.

Butchyrestingface · 30/08/2019 17:28

He definitely doesn't, he's going out with someone else at work in a different team smile

Doesn’t have anything to do with him fancying you. Which, I agree with PP, it has to be a possibility. Are there 30 something blokes among your other friends?

Sad sack that he is to behave this way.

Original poster

origamiunicorn · 30/08/2019 17:28

Did anyone else react to his behaviour? Why does he think you need his permission to eat lunch with other people?

Woman with the difficult ex-husband looked at me with a bit of a sad face but no one said anything. Man 1 asked me if I was ok as I seemed a bit quiet.

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100timewforgotten · 30/08/2019 17:29

Go out tonight and see what this man is like, if he makes comments again pull him up on them.

Zakana · 30/08/2019 17:34

Go tonight and defo call him out on it in front of everyone. There’s no need to be unpleasant, as he has been, but just make sure you firmly state your case.

Original poster

origamiunicorn · 30/08/2019 17:34

Doesn’t have anything to do with him fancying you. Which, I agree with PP, it has to be a possibility. Are there 30 something blokes among your other friends?

Sorry I forgot to also say I have a DP but he doesn't work with us. My friends include other males in their 30s yes. It's definitely not that though.

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happytoday73 · 30/08/2019 17:38

I wouldn't go... But that's not necessarily the right thing to do
Next time talk of lunch I'd be inclined to make some comment re:yes would love too but only if I'm not being got at... I like to enjoy my lunch!
I hate horrible situations like this

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