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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Colleague and friend's nasty comments

79 replies

origamiunicorn · 30/08/2019 17:00

I work in a large organisation, I have moved roles, sideways and up, within it over the last 8 years and have built up some lovely friendship groups. I've been in my current role since just before Christmas.

I've got to know a group of 2 men and 4 women on my team well and we often lunch together. (I catch up with old work colleagues at lunch separately too so it's as and when) Sometimes it's all of us together and sometimes it's just a few of us due to others are catching up with others themselves. We socialise outside of work too.

Anyway, I've come home today feeling upset and angry and want to know if IABU.

I was meeting these new(ish) colleagues for lunch and walked over to their table. The 4 women and 1 of the men were sat on the table eating and as I walked over I saw man number 2 at the tills talking to another colleague. I grabbed my food and as I walked past I asked if man 2 was joining us for lunch today. He snapped back: No, don't you mean YOU are joining US. (All I meant was, was he having lunch with us or having lunch with this other colleague)

I felt a bit hurt but sat down and all was fine until man 2 joined our table and said "nice of you to grace us with your presence" I asked him what he meant by that and he said where have you been the last week or so, I said away with work and catching up with others. One of the women was then talking about her ex- husband who is being difficult and she was saying how she had no family around for support so I said, we are here if you need us. To which man 2 said "well YOU'RE no use are you"

I made my excuses and left the table early.

I just feel really upset with this and angry with myself for not standing up for myself more.

We all get on well and I get on with man 2 well, I'm not sure what happened today. His comments have made me feel worthless and that I'm not really part of that group. It's pathetic, I'm in my 30s. It's brought back memories of being bullied at school and I have to admit I've had a cry since coming home.

AIBU to feel this way? Maybe I'm over reacting or being oversensitive.

Can someone shake some sense into me? I'm meant to be going out tonight for drinks with them all but am thinking of saying I'm tired and not going.

OP posts:
AlternativePerspective · 30/08/2019 18:11

Going to go against the grain here. The comment about “don’t you mean are you lunching with us” sounds as if he considers that you are intruding on their friendship group. Even butting in iyswim.

I’ve been there OP. I used to work for a large organisation which had an open plan office. Every morning when we used to come into the office we tended to chat for a bit while getting ready for the day. They weren’t private conversations, they were cross-office conversations iyswim. I didn’t even consider them a mass group of friends but I thought we got on fine.

Anyway this company was one which encouraged people to give feedback on their team members for their appraisals. It was a hideous practice which brought out the worst in people and enabled them to air their personal dislikes and grievances and make them official. I used to type up all the appraisals so I used to see what was said about other people and these days I think much of it would have been considered bullying in the workplace.

Anyway, my appraisal came up and my team members, with who I felt I had a decent working relationship, made it clear that they thought I constantly joined in their private conversations without being invited. These were as I say conversations which happened across the office so by no means private.

I have never felt so humiliated and I went into the toilets after my appraisal and cried. And I never joined in one of their conversations again. Not long after they started having very public conversations discussing their nights out to which I wasn’t invited which just sealed the situation for me. I wasn’t expecting an invite, but the message in the conversations was clear. Sad.

TBH if this man has been so blatant about you intruding on their group I would put money on the fact that the group have discussed it when you’ weren’t there.

Personally I wouldn’t sit with them again, and if anyone asks I would tell them why.

chucke · 30/08/2019 18:12

"It wasn't that comment that hurt, it was the "Are you lunching with us today?" "No. Don't you mean YOU'RE lunching with US?" As if I was being allowed to lunch and I wasn't part of the group."

Well you hadn't been part of that group at lunch for a week or so. He's trying to be (unsuccessfully) funny and referring to the fact that you've been missing/away.

Honestly, I'd just forget it and have a good night

catzrulz · 30/08/2019 18:12

Definitely go out, have a great time.
If he says anything, call him out, make him think about what he's saying.
Also don't forget to update us with your excellent response to him! 😉

rosedream · 30/08/2019 18:13

May be he's had a bad morning or something going on. He may of said something mean in the heat of his own mood. Nothing to do with you.
It doesn't excuse what he did but might be the reason.
Go tonight. He may realise what he's done and hopefully make it up to you.
Don't reject the whole friendship group as someone suggested. That's a big overreaction and unnecessary.

DoomsdayCult · 30/08/2019 18:13

God Man 2 sounds grumpy. Sometimes you have to give as good as you get though. If he starts up again have some nice stingers ready to go. It’s good to show you have thick skin and won’t take this sort of thing like a doormat.

IAmBannedAgainTheBastards · 30/08/2019 18:24

I'd probably arrive 5/10 minutes late in the hope that someone had said something to him and told him how rude he was

If he carries on, I would ask him directly what his problem is
Wanker

lyingwanker · 30/08/2019 18:27

It's threads like these that make me realise that I'm a gobby cow. I know 100% after the 2nd comment the words out of my mouth would've been "what is your fucking problem with me today?"

Don't take shit off anyone, especially in a social setting. I suppose at work you've got to be more careful/tactful but on a night out? No, just get straight to the point.

ChristmasFluff · 30/08/2019 18:37

I think you've had a great insight, that this has reminded you of 'stuff' from your past. Now is the time to have compassion for that person you once were, and at the same time let her know that you now have her back, and you aren't going to let that sort of thing happen again.

I'm so glad you are going out tonight. If he says anything, just ask him, as the PP says, 'what is your problem?' and see what he says - but remember - it is HIS problem, not yours. Don't take it from him; don't make it about you.

TheresSummatUnderThatBed · 30/08/2019 18:41

I was wondering the same as AlternativePerspective above.

Emus · 30/08/2019 18:41

Hopefully tonight will clear the air and then you can forget about it for the rest of the weekend (for what it's worth, I too thought his reaction may be to do with missing you/fancying you/not getting enough attention from you!).

Kplpandd · 30/08/2019 18:48

I would have cried too OP I'm very sensitive! I used to have a girl be like this with me at work. Really picky and snappy about what I said one minute and then best friend the next. Maybe he's a moody bitch x

Mummadeeze · 30/08/2019 18:57

Glad u are going out. There are five other nice friends in the mix to have fun with. If he makes another snide comment, I would try and speak to him on his own and ask him in a nice way if everything is okay. I would say that I thought we were friends and I was worried I might have upset him in some way. It might bring his problem to the surface without making a bigger problem out of it. Best of luck.

Mia184 · 30/08/2019 19:20

Has your career progressed somewhat further than his, or could he view it that way? I detect a hint of the green-eyed monster and he's trying to bring you down to size.

This

happytoday73 · 30/08/2019 20:05

I think man 1 has realised that the other has upset you and deliberately messaged you about getting there to try and help you feel better about going.
Hope you have a fab night!

BobbyPuck · 30/08/2019 22:01

How did it go OP?

Okurrrrrrrr · 30/08/2019 22:29

Really hope it's gone okay for the OP

Original poster
origamiunicorn · 30/08/2019 23:09

Thanks all. Smile

So, where do I begin!?

I got there and everyone was there at the table except man 2 and woman with the shitty ex-husband. I'm going to call them Phil and Emma to make it easier.

Apparently Emma went to Phil's after work (Emma lives more than an hour commute away so not too weird) but then according to Man 1, who I'm going to call Dan, Phil WhatsApped him to say they decided they didn't want to come out and we're going to get a takeaway pizza. ?? So we all had a few drinks (just soft drinks for me) and a laugh and it was fine and then Dan just mentioned how weird it was that Phil and Emma are at Phil's having pizza and I just said how I felt he was a bit shitty with me at lunch and hoped that wasn't the reason. Everyone agreed but in a don't take it to heart, probably having a bad day sort of thing and we left it there.

Anyway, we decide to get food at the pub as we are all hungry now and so we order and food arrives. Dan then gets a WhatsApp from Phil saying are we still in the pub because they'll come out now (which I was a little deflated about as the night was going well) Dan replied, yeah but we were eating. Lots of talk around the table saying they won't come. Next thing we know they're at the table saying, "scoot up, room for 2 more?"

The atmosphere seemed a bit weird and Phil seemed to be picking a bit on what one of the women was saying, lots of little digs ( she's the youngest of us all and the most bolshy, I'll call her Olivia) She ended up saying "look, what's your problem?" to which it escalated and I got dragged in. I said my bit calmly, Olivia went to the bar. Phil was then saying, why is she so aggressive, we shouldn't invite her out again as it changes the atmosphere etc etc. Dan basically said "mate, calm down you're being a dick" and voices were raised etc etc. I joined Olivia at the bar and when I got back with drinks Phil and Emma were gone.

So I am ShockConfused no nearer to sorting it out, although I got it off my chest with him but the weirdest thing is Phil and Emma, what's that about?!

OP posts:
FazakerlyJackie · 30/08/2019 23:29

Bizarre. I thought man2/Phil(?) was already seeing someone else from work?
Good you said your piece and well done for going out tonight though.

Stressedout10 · 30/08/2019 23:49

Phil and Emma are having an affair

dollydaydream114 · 30/08/2019 23:59

I think Phil and Emma are having an affair. Maybe it's the stress of that that's turned Phil into a complete cunt, but as he's now started picking on someone else in your team as well (Olivia) at least you know it's nothing personal. And clearly Dan and Olivia also think Phil is a dick, so it's not just you who thinks he's behaving weirdly.

Oh, and another possibility - could Phil be a cocaine user? Because that sort of needlessly arsey, confrontational behaviour is very much something I associate with men who are gakked up to the eyeballs.

MrsA2015 · 30/08/2019 23:59

Phil and Emma are at it

cstaff · 31/08/2019 00:04

It does sound like Phil has other shit going on in his life and you just happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Maybe it's personal but it also may have nothing to do with you. Has he broken up with the gf. It will all come out eventually. Very hard to keep a secret like this in work.

StoneofDestiny · 31/08/2019 00:29

Great update as it shows he has problems with others, not just you. He has gone off with a slapped arse - his problem now, as everybody has seen he is a 'dick' as your pal said.

HimHerWhatever · 31/08/2019 01:40

Phil and Emma are playing a very private game of Hide The Sausage :-)

Claphands · 31/08/2019 11:49

Phil and Emma are shagging