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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Colleague and friend's nasty comments

79 replies

origamiunicorn · 30/08/2019 17:00

I work in a large organisation, I have moved roles, sideways and up, within it over the last 8 years and have built up some lovely friendship groups. I've been in my current role since just before Christmas.

I've got to know a group of 2 men and 4 women on my team well and we often lunch together. (I catch up with old work colleagues at lunch separately too so it's as and when) Sometimes it's all of us together and sometimes it's just a few of us due to others are catching up with others themselves. We socialise outside of work too.

Anyway, I've come home today feeling upset and angry and want to know if IABU.

I was meeting these new(ish) colleagues for lunch and walked over to their table. The 4 women and 1 of the men were sat on the table eating and as I walked over I saw man number 2 at the tills talking to another colleague. I grabbed my food and as I walked past I asked if man 2 was joining us for lunch today. He snapped back: No, don't you mean YOU are joining US. (All I meant was, was he having lunch with us or having lunch with this other colleague)

I felt a bit hurt but sat down and all was fine until man 2 joined our table and said "nice of you to grace us with your presence" I asked him what he meant by that and he said where have you been the last week or so, I said away with work and catching up with others. One of the women was then talking about her ex- husband who is being difficult and she was saying how she had no family around for support so I said, we are here if you need us. To which man 2 said "well YOU'RE no use are you"

I made my excuses and left the table early.

I just feel really upset with this and angry with myself for not standing up for myself more.

We all get on well and I get on with man 2 well, I'm not sure what happened today. His comments have made me feel worthless and that I'm not really part of that group. It's pathetic, I'm in my 30s. It's brought back memories of being bullied at school and I have to admit I've had a cry since coming home.

AIBU to feel this way? Maybe I'm over reacting or being oversensitive.

Can someone shake some sense into me? I'm meant to be going out tonight for drinks with them all but am thinking of saying I'm tired and not going.

OP posts:
Butchyrestingface · 30/08/2019 17:38

It's definitely not that though.

Is the person he’s going out with a bloke?

Because otherwise, you can’t possibly know that.

Onlythelonelywelcome · 30/08/2019 17:44

I've had a cry since coming home.
I think this is a bit of an overreaction. Don’t let the actions of a dick like this upset you. He sounds like a total arse and I wouldn’t give him this power over me in making me feel worthless
Just be prepared next time and say something like “I didn’t know my lunchtime movements were under surveillance”

Original poster
origamiunicorn · 30/08/2019 17:45

I was leaning towards not going but Man 1 has sent me a WhatsApp:

"What time you getting there?"

I think I'll go, otherwise I'll be thinking about it all weekend. Blush

OP posts:
Onlythelonelywelcome · 30/08/2019 17:46

That’s good op, glad you are still going

Original poster
origamiunicorn · 30/08/2019 17:46

I've had a cry since coming home.
I think this is a bit of an overreaction

I know, but I was badly bullied and excluded for part of my school life and I think it made me feel like that again. I've never felt like that as an adult.

OP posts:
Original poster
origamiunicorn · 30/08/2019 17:47

Is the person he’s going out with a bloke?

Grin That made me giggle thanks. Smile

OP posts:
chucke · 30/08/2019 17:48

Ok, so I expected all the comments to be saying you're over sensitive and over thinking. It sounds like a joke to me. Maybe I'm thick skinned.

He's joking (not very funny but whatever) because they haven't seen you for a week or so 🤷🏽‍♀️. It's the equivalent of "hello stranger" isn't it?

Chunkers · 30/08/2019 17:48

It could all be down to the ‘are you joining us’ comment (regardless of how innocently you meant it). To him it could have sounded like you were making out that he was the outsider and you were inviting him to join your group (might have stirred up a previous grievance from his past). The rest could have been him still stewing over that.

It was shitty (of him) and hopefully by tonight he will have got over it and there won’t be any need for ‘words’. You can but hope!

Cary2012 · 30/08/2019 17:48

Fetch yer coat OP, you've pulled Grin He's got the hump because he's missed you! Don't care that you/he have partners, that's irrelevant.

Fannybaws52 · 30/08/2019 17:50

He sounds a right dick. Go out and spend time with man 1 and woman having hubby issues. Laugh and be jolly and be a shoulder for the woman so they prefer you to Mr Rude.

Dont let him talk to you like that again either. Tell him you cant abide bullies and if he cant be civil he should hold his tongue! Defend yourself.

Original poster
origamiunicorn · 30/08/2019 17:51

He's joking (not very funny but whatever) because they haven't seen you for a week or so 🤷🏽‍♀️. It's the equivalent of "hello stranger" isn't it?*

It wasn't that comment that hurt, it was the "Are you lunching with us today?" "No. Don't you mean YOU'RE lunching with US?" As if I was being allowed to lunch and I wasn't part of the group.

I dunno I felt embarrassed and excluded but yes I know I've overreacted but I do have my reasons (mentioned already) no matter how silly it does feel Blush

OP posts:
WillowSummerSloth · 30/08/2019 17:52

I can see why you're annoyed/ upset and I think it depends on how he said it. I think I would have tried to joke it away with something like 'well I can't help being so popular' with a massive smile. And when he said about gracing them with your presence I would have said 'yes you're very honoured' again with a big smile/ laugh. Don't let him bully or intimidate you. If you just bat it back, it will just fall away to nothing. If you act sensitive, it will throw the dynamics (assuming it is just banter) and could cause a bigger problem. Go tonight and have a fab night, you've done absolutely nothing wrong x

Original poster
origamiunicorn · 30/08/2019 17:53

It could all be down to the ‘are you joining us’ comment (regardless of how innocently you meant it). To him it could have sounded like you were making out that he was the outsider and you were inviting him to join your group

I have thought that too but I definitely didn't mean it like that. He made it clear I'm the outsider though!

OP posts:
Original poster
origamiunicorn · 30/08/2019 17:56

Fetch yer coat OP, you've pulled grin He's got the hump because he's missed you! Don't care that you/he have partners, that's irrelevant.

Grin I'm sure it's not that but this has made me laugh.

OP posts:
sonjadog · 30/08/2019 17:56

Does this man socialize with other groups of people or does he see you as "his gang"? Where I used to work, there was a group of people who hung around together all the time, they were a real unit and never sat or socialized with anyone from outside. I guess it was a friendship model that worked for them, but I would have found it utterly stifling. Could it be that he is the type to want his friends to make his own personal gang like this and that he is annoyed that you aren't fitting in to this?

Original poster
origamiunicorn · 30/08/2019 17:58

Thanks all I'm getting my big girl knickers on and going out. Better get ready Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
origamiunicorn · 30/08/2019 17:59

Does this man socialize with other groups of people or does he see you as "his gang"?

No he has plenty of other friends and spends many lunches with his girlfriend who also works with us.

OP posts:
JustDanceAddict · 30/08/2019 18:00

A colleague/friend got a bit pissed off when I didn’t lunch with her. I also felt like I was back at school! It made me feel very awkward but she said she was only joking. Hmmm.
I think he feels you’re treating the group as a last resort, even if you’re not and it was a clumsy joke at that.

StoneofDestiny · 30/08/2019 18:00

I'd go out and talk to the others as if there is no issue. I'd no raise anything with man 2 unless he kicks off again. (Not the time on a night out). If he does kick off I'd ask him to explain his problem.

sonjadog · 30/08/2019 18:00

In that case, I think his behaviour is a mystery! I'm glad you aren't letting him ruin your night. Go out and have fun and put him in his place if he gives you any grief.

CocoLoco87 · 30/08/2019 18:01

Definitely go, and have a nice evening! If he's arsey tonight then maybe ask him or another colleague what the problem is. Maybe he's just having a bad day and you were his target! People are odd Grin

diddl · 30/08/2019 18:02

" I definitely didn't mean it like that."

It could have come across like that though.

Hopefully things will be fine tonight.

bamboocat · 30/08/2019 18:05

It was definitely a snide dig if you ask me. Has your career progressed somewhat further than his, or could he view it that way? I detect a hint of the green-eyed monster and he's trying to bring you down to size.

Rise above it. I suspect that the other people weren't impressed by what he said and if he does it again they will probably call him out on it - maybe not in front of you though.

AnAC12UCOinanOCG · 30/08/2019 18:08

Have fun! I think you'll find the others don't feel the same as this weirdo. Rise above it and HE is the one they will start to avoid because he makes things awkward.

rosedream · 30/08/2019 18:09

May be he's had a bad morning or something going on. He may of said something mean in the heat of his own mood. Nothing to do with you.
It doesn't excuse what he did but might be the reason.

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