To be hacked off and not go to either wedding

[ItsalwaysLTB]

I have two brothers who live in different countries both of which are a long haul flight away. Both have decided to get married in their respective countries within a month of each other. Neither have kids (we have 2 school age dc) .
DB1 booked his wedding in termtime, very expensive flight as not popular destination. Said would love us to come but understands if not. DM would love me to go. No chance of childcare so would be solo trip for me to destination I am not fussed about.

DB2 asked for holiday info then decided to book outside of holidays even though we said we wouldn't be able to bring the kids and possibly not come. Destination cheaper and more attractive. MIL has said she can look after the kids so DH and I could both go, but that would involve doing school drop offs, after school activities, walking the dog etc. MIL is a bit frail but determined.

Fwiw we can afford both weddings but could, and would prefer to, use the money for other things.

Can't decide if IABU and a bit of a spoiled brat or not?

I don’t really get why you’re annoyed either. They’re just getting married where they live as most people do. Either go or don’t but they haven’t done anything wrong whether you choose to go or not.

I also don’t get why your kids and husband can’t come to DB1s wedding? Did he say no kids?

I’d go to both for sure.

If they are both second weddings I think that changes things.

I’m not sure I’d want to pay for two trips abroad for a second wedding.

My Younger SIL was still paying off the expense of going to older SIL’s long haul wedding when older SIL was getting divorced. FIL shouted at me because I wouldn’t go to that wedding (they didn’t know but I was having ivf and couldn’t afford it). DH was going to go but declined after the shouting. The ivf worked. If we’d skipped it and waited who knows.

Everyone has to do what is right for them. Life isn’t simple.

It’s one day. Think about whether it is worth it.

Also, I wouldn’t want to leave my family behind. If I was going I’d like to go as a family.

Just go - and stop making excuses.
Enjoy your brothers’ weddings x

Nah, I wouldn't go for a second wedding seeing as you have other things you can spend the money on that will benefit your family. Assume you were there for their first weddings so you've done your bit.

You've answered your own question: you could afford to go to both but you can't take the kids and you require the money for other things.

They may well be your brothers but they moved to the other side of the world and they've already said they understand if you can't go.

Don't go to either but maybe send a generous present and card to wish them well.

Job done.

I personally think two long haul flights, one of which is extremely expensive, is a big ask! I really don’t think YABU to have a winge about it!

Could another option be that you just go with your DM to both weddings? Have some quality time with your DM? We did something similar but for a special birthday of a relative that required a long train journey, a relative I really wanted to celebrate the day with. Location wise meant an overnight stay so dp was happy to stay at home with Ds as the whole event, accommodation and travel would have been too much for all of us. I actually had an amazing time with my DM, last time we went away together I was 16 so it was pretty special just being the two of us.

I'd say no to both, spend the money on what you'd both rather spend it on... Get both of them to stream it live to you or at least record it. The money you've saved you can take you children away on dream holiday as a family!

YABU to be annoyed that your brothers are getting married in their home countries

If you can afford it, go to both weddings.
When you see the photos you will probably regret not going.
Either accept the help of MIL or take the children out of school.
This is not about you , it’s about 2 brothers getting married and want their sister to share the experience.

It's either both or neither wedding I feel as one brother is going to be put out if you only attend the other's wedding. I had a similar problem and didn't attend either wedding. Instead we took each couple out for a lovely dinner when they got back from honeymoon and caught up on all the gossip and photos. We also bought each couple a spa weekend, which they loved.

I think it's kind of your duty to be at your siblings' weddings unless they have chosen a destination to be inaccessible, or you really can't manage it, or you have a bad relationship. Think of how you will feel down the line when you have missed these important days in your family's history?

Your brothers may be hurt if you don't make the effort, and conversely be really touched if you do. Being childless they won't really get how complicated it is for you, and if they are getting married where they live that is quite reasonable - especially if the bride is from there.

My brother in law didn't come to our wedding (long-haul flight, but not expensive.) His wife (my husband's sister, so the actual blood relation) came with their grown son. I am a second wife and I felt this was a slap in the face, like he didn't consider our wedding as important as my husband's first (which he did attend.) I was really hurt by this as he and I had always been good friends and I had told him how much I had wanted him to be there. It took me a long time to get over feeling stung.

I would go to both weddings alone, on weekend trips, and enjoy being with your family. Or take your husband to the second one if you feel your MIL is up to it, explaining that she was not able to help out on the dates of the other one. I'm sure they will understand that the kids can't come in term-time and someone has to care for them. But if you have a good relationship with both you should not risk it by not at least going yourself.

Both brothers have been married before

I wouldn't go.

Neither or both. Despite them marrying where they live, there shouldn't be an expectation for people who don't live there to attend. And it's term time so you would be spending money going away without DCs when you could use that for a family holiday. Don't feel you have to go, you don't!

Yanbu to not go to either. If you wanted a break, maybe go to the second, scrap after school clubs and hire a dog walker to make it easier for MIL.

Both brothers have chosen the most convenient time and cost for themselves, so you as a guest should choose what’s convenient to you.

Although it sounded like you could afford it, the other things you mention also sound like a good priority too and also less like you had buckets of money to spare.
I also wouldn’t listen too much to those saying you can’t miss it, it’s once in a lifetime when clearly it’s not!
Personally I’d say no to both - if excuse needed say you could probably come to one but not both so you’re not going to choose.

I travelled to the other side of the world for my sibling's wedding and have regretted it ever since. It was expensive, exhausting, disruptive and since we're not actually all that close, not as meaningful as it would be to other people in the same situation.
I don't think you're being bratty or unreasonable. If you genuinely don't think your brothers would mind then that's the right decision for you and your family.