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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be hacked off and not go to either wedding

119 replies

ItsalwaysLTB · 29/08/2019 17:33

I have two brothers who live in different countries both of which are a long haul flight away. Both have decided to get married in their respective countries within a month of each other. Neither have kids (we have 2 school age dc) .
DB1 booked his wedding in termtime, very expensive flight as not popular destination. Said would love us to come but understands if not. DM would love me to go. No chance of childcare so would be solo trip for me to destination I am not fussed about.

DB2 asked for holiday info then decided to book outside of holidays even though we said we wouldn't be able to bring the kids and possibly not come. Destination cheaper and more attractive. MIL has said she can look after the kids so DH and I could both go, but that would involve doing school drop offs, after school activities, walking the dog etc. MIL is a bit frail but determined.

Fwiw we can afford both weddings but could, and would prefer to, use the money for other things.

Can't decide if IABU and a bit of a spoiled brat or not?

OP posts:

dayslikethese1 · 29/08/2019 19:35

It's not about whether you'd choose to go to the destination surely it's about the fact that they're your DBs and it's an important day for them both. I think you should go if you can afford it and get childcare.

GabsAlot · 29/08/2019 19:36

Did they know they wer both going to do it close to each other-and are they gong to each others wedding

StarlingsInSummer · 29/08/2019 19:38

I don’t think you’re especially unreasonable not to go, though it does look a little like pique if you can afford it. I do think you’re unreasonable to be hacked off. Their weddings are about them and their brides, not you.

dayslikethese1 · 29/08/2019 19:40

It might be a bit awkward and expensive but I think I'd look at it as a year where you spend/travel slightly more. It's not like you'll be doing it every year.

Blubluboo · 29/08/2019 19:42

I wouldn't miss my brother's wedding for the world. It is unfortunate that they are a month apart but there will be lots of reasons for this I'm sure.

Unless there's a major back story, I don't understand why people make out that weddings (especially sibling ones) are such an inconvenience. I loved my brother's wedding day, I loved the build up, the day and just being with all the family. It was expensive, yes. But I would spend all that money again to relive the fun day.
Also if the children are invited, I'd be taking them. Unless GCSE year, and even then, I would potentially take them depending on time of year.

Rubicon80 · 29/08/2019 19:42

I wouldn't go.

Leeds2 · 29/08/2019 19:43

Will any/many of your family be going to both weddings? It is a big ask of anyone, assuming family live in the UK.

gamerwidow · 29/08/2019 19:44

It's fine for you not to go but you don't get to be hacked off about their wedding plans. They are marrying where they live i.e. where their friends, work and lives are. If you don't want to go then say no but wholeheartedly wish them the best.

Onceuponacheesecake · 29/08/2019 19:47

I'm not sure what you're annoyed about? Your brother's have booked their weddings in the countries they live in at a time convenient for them as do pretty much any couple getting married and you're annoyed about what?

If you can afford it id go

Norma27 · 29/08/2019 19:48

I think when family live abroad it is difficult.
I live in UK and my my brother us in USA after moving there with mum when in our teens.
I went to his wedding without my now dh, then dp.
He came to my wedding without his dw( she was pregnant otherwise would have come I think).
A few years ago mum and my stepdad but his dad moved back to UK. Stepdad died tragically a few months ago and my dB for various reasons could get here for funeral.
It is always easy to say what people should/shouldn’t do but only you know what is right and best for you and your family.
It is always nice to attend weddings etc, but honestly not the end of the world if you can’t.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 29/08/2019 20:14

Just do whatever you want to do- one wedding, both or neither. It's your time and money and it's not your problem they booked dates so close together.
Dont take your kids out of school though, and there is your perfectly valid reason for not having to attend either or both if you dont want to.

JingsMahBucket · 29/08/2019 20:16

YABU. Woman up and make the trips. They’re your brothers for crying out loud.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 29/08/2019 20:18

How is poster selfish for not going when it was her siblings choice to live abroad. Selfish of siblings to book wedding in termtime knowing frail old lady has to manage by herself providing childcare.

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 29/08/2019 20:33

Selfish of siblings to book wedding in termtime

Nit necessarily. For some people it might be unreasonable if they booked the wedding for school holidays as it could make flights etc more expensive.

Maybe the countries in which they live have different term dates

Maybe they couldn't find the venue/date combination that would suit one relative. I know when I married we booked it to suit us/availability in the church/avoiding a religious holiday.

Rubicon80 · 29/08/2019 20:34

I know when I married we booked it to suit us/availability in the church/avoiding a religious holiday.

That's fine, but then you can't complain if people can't make it.

DottyScarf · 29/08/2019 20:42

Don’t go. If the children can’t go it’s not going to be much fun, you may as well Skype. Send a great gift, no one will remember whether you were there or not by Christmas!

PurpleDaisies · 29/08/2019 20:44

If the children can’t go it’s not going to be much fun, you may as well Skype.

What a load of rubbish. Parents are perfectly capable of having fun without their kids.

DottyScarf · 29/08/2019 20:54

purpledaisies that’s as maybe but at a family wedding with all the relatives there... except your kids?

PurpleDaisies · 29/08/2019 20:57

DottyScarf Presumably they know (and maybe even like) their relatives and might enjoy catching up with them?

BackOnceAgainWithABurnerEmail · 29/08/2019 20:58

Yabu to be hacked off, that’s where they live.

Not going to a siblings wedding is a big statement. I would go to both but on my own.

Polyjuice · 29/08/2019 21:04

I think I’d have a bloody good moan and then go to both. Not sure I’d ask MIL though - I’d ask dH to stay behind for the second wedding too unless he’s really keen. That way you’ll spend less and not impose on mIL.

Polyjuice · 29/08/2019 21:05

“If the children go it’s not going to be much fun”.
you must have a different idea of fun to me if kids are always required!

Polyjuice · 29/08/2019 21:06

can’t go

whattodowith · 29/08/2019 21:09

I’d say no to both to keep the peace. I think if you say no to one but go to the other it’s going to look like favouritism. Both are term time and abroad so just decline both. I’m a teacher so couldn’t do either of them whether I had children of my own or not.

CorBlimeyGovenor · 29/08/2019 21:16

I think that yabvu to consider not going to DB1's because it's not somewhere that you would like to holiday at! That is bratty! I think that you should try to go to both.

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