To go with my 14 year old DD to Doctors?

[vavavoomdeboom]

Been going to the doctors with DD age 14 about her acne at DDs request. Tried different antibiotics and now the pill as we await a dermatologist appointment (been nine months waiting).

Doctor has asked for regular appointments to monitor effectiveness so we've been going bi-monthly.

At last appointment I felt the Doctor was a bit snippy that I was there. A sort of 'oh, mums with you again' comment. She (the Doctor) has also commented that I set up the appointments and that DD could do them herself online. Never occurred to me not to be there. We have set up an online account for DD that I maintain as she can't be bothered. I get on great with DD and asked after last time if she wanted to go to the next appointments alone and she laughed and was clear she wanted me there.

We're due to go again next week and I'm probably overthinking what to say if another comment is made.

AIBU attending with DD? Is it normal to still go when they are teenagers?

Surely with an 11 year old the parent will know exactly what the problem is? You know, like an infected toenail, or strange headaches or whatever.
Do children really go to their gp just to talk?

Surely with an 11 year old the parent will know exactly what the problem is? You know, like an infected toenail, or strange headaches or whatever.
Do children really go to their gp just to talk?

11 is a difficult age - going from primary to secondary, the beginning of puberty for a lot of girls etc.

I see quite a few children (especially girls, it has to be said) around that age for issues relating to self-worth, anxiety about food/weight, school, friends etc. And often, while their parent is aware that their child seems worried and anxious, the child hasn’t felt fully able to discuss it with them, for fear of disappointing them or upsetting them.

By having a chat with the child without a parent in the room, they are usually able to be quite a bit more open with me, and it makes for a more productive conversation. It’s often easier to really get to the root of what’s bothering them - and I then encourage them to have an honest conversation with their parents about this.

Yes, I hadn’t considered that...

My mum came with me until I was about 17ish

ViaSacra I understand the guidance perfectly, thank you. Doctors are required to encourage their child patients to involve their parents. That does not mean an eleven year old should be encouraged to attend without their parents.

I'm a doctor (not GP).

There is almost always a parent present when I see teenagers because of the setting.

However I try really hard to engage patients in giving their own history and responses.

I usually ask if it ok to ask them the questions (some just don't want to which is fine) but that I will expect their parent to butt in if they think we are veering off track.

I only started explaining this as I got frustrated by so many parents just jumping in and speaking over their (very) capable children.

It isn't just teens though. I met an awesome 6yo recently who quite firmly told her mother that she would answer my questions and proceeded to do so with great aplomb.

I think it is important to learn how to deal with HCPs as a teen. Obviously some people get more exposure than others as they have more appts. And some find the whole concept of speaking to us terribly stressful and shouldn't be forced.

ViaSacra I understand the guidance perfectly, thank you. Doctors are required to encourage their child patients to involve their parents. That does not mean an eleven year old should be encouraged to attend without their parents

I don’t ‘encourage’, I give the option. Children are individuals who deserve to be treated as such.

And I am simply offering them the chance to have a private chat. I am not going to encourage them to make any important decisions, as cited in the GMC guidance, without their parents. Not every GP appointment involves important decisions...

Doctors are required to encourage their child patients to involve their parents

And I do this. See my response to HeadInTheClouds above.

Anyway going back to the OP.

No, OP, you are not unreasonable to go to the doctors’ with your 14 year old.

But neither is the GP being unreasonable for asking your 14 year old whether she’d be more comfortable talking without you in the room.

If she pushed it though, after your daughter made clear she was happy to have you there, then I think the GP was being unreasonable.

Curiously I was at the doctors today and there was a woman who was talking (loudly which is why everyone in the waiting room could hear) to the receptionist about joining the practice. The receptionist mentioned the online appointment system and said that they request an individual email for a separate log-in for any teen who was 13 or older as they are deemed old enough to have control over their own medical issues. The mother seemed horrified.

I think its a very good thing, not every teen has supportive parents, and not every teen will be willing to talk freely in front of their parent.

I've given my child the option since about 13/14 and while I often go in at their request, I rarely say much unless asked and now they are over 16 they usually go on their own.

DS19 has anxiety and hates talking to people he don't know so I have to make his doctor and dentist appointments and go with him to them at his request. I just sit in the room and only talk if he's struggling, he'll look at me with pleading eyes.
Infact he's having a wisdom tooth taken out next week and I'll be there in corner watching.

My doctor would insist someone over the age of consent was with a minor if they needed to be examined. I always accompany my DD to the doctor but never when she's with the nurse. But, at her last appointment it was a male nurse and he insisted I went into the room with her, otherwise he would ask one of his female colleagues to do it.

When we registered with our doctors DS was deemed too young to have online access. As he is now 14 should he have it?

Also he had to go to the GP earlier this year as he had a lump on his leg and he had to go and find out whether it was potentially bone cancer. Are people saying on here that he should have gone to that appointment on his own as he is 14? I went with him, but encouraged him to talk to the GP, while I was quietly gibbering in the corner until we were given the results. Luckily it was benign.

My DD now goes to the go to talk about her mental health issues without me.Started with me,then me on the waiting room then her going on her own to help her gain confidence.
I take her for other appointments and go in for some but not for others.
She is now 16 and got her own patient access account but still likes me to make appointments for her.

Gillick competence. Her right to make her own decisions about medical care. No doubt would include the right to choose to have someone with her. Children are not independent agents though, and having a parent present changes the dynamic between the young adult and the doctor.

My mum made and went with me to all my GP appointments until I was 18 and left for uni. I never had a problem with it. Nor did I have a problem making my own appointments at the sexual health clinic to get on the pill when I didn’t want her to know about it! I’m nearly 30 and if I asked her to go with me now, she would.

I don’t think going in with your daughter or making her appointments will prevent her becoming independent or making her own in the future.

My dd disclosed self harm and asked for help from the gp at 16 alone. A very brave thing to do. GP rang me to make a double apt. Dd disclosed to me, went to GP together. GP v supportive and reassuring and assured dd CAMHS were best to deal and she would have an apt. In two weeks. We were moving a few days later.

New GP wouldn't make an apt until they had notes (receptionist refused). Got an apt. three weeks after moving. Saw GP who spoke to dd with and without me. GP then told dd and me that CAMHS were hopeless in the New area and would do nothing; she'd once had a child so unwell she'd banged on their door and they'd still done nothing. I asked what she'd suggest instead and was given a post-it note with the name of a charity. I asked for a private referral and was told to find someone off the internet. I had to say I thought thst inadequate, I expected support and insisted she refer to CAMHS. It was not an appropriate conversation in front of dd who was not well and who had been brave enough to ask for help because she wanted it. What I didn't and know at that juncture but former GP had was that as well as cutting dd was also taking small overdoses. New GP as well as not giving a toss hadn't bothered to read the notes that reception had said were so essential before an apt with the GP could be facilitated.

CAMHS were useless although they only got a half arsed referral. DD got care because I saw a practice partner and read the riot act and could pay for a private psychiatrist whom I had to source personally. DD needed massive support for a couple of years. None of it would have been forthcoming if I hadn't been her advocate. On her ownshe'd have been pushed from pillar to post with zilch. She'd have dropped out of school, remained undiagnosed, and have ended up in a bleak place. Very few people we encountered in the NHS gave a flying fuck, including GPs, CAMHS and our local A&E who conducted themselves disgracefully and attempted an involuntary admission prior to my arrival.

Of course young people need advocates. My dd learnt that the hard way. She learnt first hand the system doesn't give a damn esp vis mh. I learnt first hand the system parent blames first and then orovides every excuse possible to avoid providing care.

How very dare any doctor or GP infer a parent is not their child's best advocate when things go tits up. It was certainly our experience that GPs and NHS MH services for young people will not lift a finger of support. Mentally unwell teens are not able to advocate for themselves but it suits the system to try to insist they do because it allows a rotten system to more easily abdicate its responsibilities and thus save money.

Our experiences persuaded me that no HCP is ever to be trusted.

My 15 year old ds still expects me to accompany him to all of his appointments.

DS struggles with anxiety and finds talking to people difficult. I try and encourage him to talk at appointments but he struggles to get the words out properly.

I have also accompanied both of my parents to appointments in the past.

If your daughter wants you with her, then you go with her. I had Roaccutane when i was 15 it made my acne completely disappear and never returned again. It did dry out my skin, eyes and nose (hence nose bleeds) but so worth it in my eyes.

No I have a 13 year old son and he wouldn't want too go alone and I would not ever let him. However if he wanted too talk about something personal or asked me too wait outside in the waiting room. Then ofcourse I would. He is a teenage boy and deserves his privacy in teenage boy matters. I hope your daughter gets help with her acne soon. I had acne from the age of 11 very badly. My parents never persisted with the doctors. GPS attitude was always she will grow out of it. They tried various pills. Potions contraceptives too treat it and nothing worked for me. On visiting a new surgery as an adult I was referred immediately at 24 to a dermatologist. Who changed my life too be honest. I am 32 now and I am not acne free I have had two rounds of roaccutane/isotrtnoin and I am now using duac gel daily as my acne has come back again however nothing too the extent it was before kthere is no comparison) the duac gel works well now as it is not that bad. I can have another round when I feel like it. The side effects for me where brutal though and I am holding off for this reason. Keep going with your daughter though. Be persitant and hats off too you for being there for her. Acne ruined my self esteem and confidence. It caused scarring and when it was bad would leave me swollen and disfigured looking and it was painful. I had boils continuously all over my face and I would be bullied so badly. I truly sympathise with you daughter and I hope she doesn't have too wait too long. Thankfully she has you too fight her corner

@OhTheRoses your experience is very sad, and you have my utmost sympathy, but that has to be balanced with children who are being abused and need to be able to have a voice separate from their parent. A parent is not always a child’s best advocate. In most cases? Yes.

Aside from that, I literally cannot believe that neuro-typical, mentally healthy, adult women need their mothers to go to the bloody doctor with them. I’ve heard it all now. That’s definitely another one for the “only on Mumsnet” file!

I think you’re rightly led by your child - when they are ready to go it alone then you let her be, but otherwise of course it’s ok! Think about antenatal stuff when your partner comes - is that bad?

I’d send a gentle note to the practice manager asking the doctor not to mention your presence again as your daughter wants you there for the time being, reassuring them that when she’s ready to attend alone she’ll no doubt let her parents know.

@Sp3849

Thank you for your thoughtful and insightful reply and in particular in describing your experience. That's been good to know and reflects a lot of our concerns.