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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be pissed off at expense for her wedding?

85 replies

Tightorright · 29/08/2019 11:45

My sister is getting married in London which is where we're from: except all of us kids emigrated. Her soon to be DH is from America, which is where they live. There was a massive hoo ha about where they would get married, in the US or UK, with my DM recommending they just have two small dos in both countries to keep things simple. However my sister decided to do a big thing in London because she wanted to dazzle his US crew (her words).

Our family is scattered over Europe. My sister set the date of the wedding: and she chose NYE. We told her that was a bad idea because of flights and venue expenses as well as town being mad, but it emerged that it had to be NYE because his family would be in Europe for Xmas anyway.

She has been really tight with her wedding despite getting four figure sums from both my DM and his to help with it, to the point where she decided that none of the cousins on our side would be invited (all our age), but that the young children of his friends (??????) would be. This has caused a little bit of friction in the family because we have aunts and uncles from our family, but none of our cousins there, and some people have been a bit offended.

Anyway, our DM lives in a small terraced house with two bedrooms. And rather than get a bridal suite or something (?) my sister has decided that she and soon to be DH will be staying at my mums. This means that all of us travelling from around Europe back to London not only have to buy our travel tickets for NYE which is really expensive (plus I dont have the cash to advance buy them now), but we also have to get an Air Bnb. An uncle coming down from Scotland has just been in touch and said he's found a place we could all get together but it will be 500 quid for four nights per couple.

I don't know I just feel annoyed because money is so tight for me atm. But am I being unreasonable? In her defence, what else could she do?

OP posts:
SomewhereInbetween1 · 29/08/2019 11:57

It feels like it would have been expensive wherever she decided to get married if you're all coming from different parts of the world. Just one of those things.

Weezol · 29/08/2019 12:04

I probably wouldn't go. I have declined a couple of 'event' weddings, including one that the B&G had 'kindly negotiated' a travel package that worked out at 4k per couple (excluding visas and connecting travel) for five days (two full days of whuch were travelling). All of us earn around the UK average income.

They were quite upset when their 100 guests became 8.

Also, who wants to spend their wedding night in the room next door to Mum/MIL?

Weezol · 29/08/2019 12:06

As to what she could do - not book NYE for a start!

Give people a decent amount of notice to book advance flights, not put friends kids above family?

whocanbebothered · 29/08/2019 12:07

Agree with PP, don't see how everyone jetting in from across the globe would ever be cheap. I also don't think that NYE function would cost any more to book than a random Saturday in July. Winter weddings tend to cost a lot less.

Sorry, but also confused by the comment "She has been really tight with her wedding despite getting four figure sums from both my DM and his to help with it," - Four figure sums could be £1000 to £9000. I appreciate that potentially £18,000 is a lot of money but it's not ground breaking and doesn't even nearly cover the cost of a transatlantic wedding. So, sorry but I think YABU. If you don't want to attend, just decline the invite.

MorganKitten · 29/08/2019 12:07

Why would you expect for her to pay for your hotel?
If you don’t want to pay for it don’t go.

Passthecherrycoke · 29/08/2019 12:10

I’m afraid I agree- the costs would always be this surely? What else could they do?

Tightorright · 29/08/2019 12:11

Yes, I know you're right. It seems like I'm just being arsey. Think I just needed to rant. I do feel better now 🤣

OP posts:
Alb1 · 29/08/2019 12:13

I think YABU, I can understand why though. Also if they live in America they will probably regularly see friends kids, whereas they must very rarely see her cousins, so why shouldn’t she invite them? She’s absolutely not unreasonable to invite whoever she wants to her wedding. And doing it NYE as some of his family are already here sounds sort of logical as it’s further away that Europe. I don’t think she’d be able to please everyone no matter what she did. If your mum only has 2 bedrooms her staying there hasn’t resulted in everyone else having to get an airbnb has it, it’s not like you would all fit in the house if she got a bridal suite. I do fully understand the frustration of not being able to afford it though

Benidictius · 29/08/2019 12:16

Decline. If you all decline then she will have to stop being so selfish and think again. If none of you do anything then why would she. You are all just enabling it by going along with her.

Passthecherrycoke · 29/08/2019 12:18

You can’t decline a sisters wedding invite for such silly reasons. The only reasons is if you cant afford it. Don’t listen to posters saying that, it’s easily to say when it’s not your sister

Tonnerre · 29/08/2019 12:25

Agree with PP, don't see how everyone jetting in from across the globe would ever be cheap.

But would certainly be cheaper at other times of year, as would hotel prices.

Benidictius · 29/08/2019 12:28

Passthecherrycoke Expecting people to fly in from all over the place and stay in London on NYE is crazy and declining that would absolutely not be a silly reason.

Oldraver · 29/08/2019 12:29

£500 for four nights per couple is pretty good going anyway (I appreciate it may not be affordable to you)

Veterinari · 29/08/2019 12:30

£500 for 4 nights for a couple is pretty cheap.

It’s your sister’s Wedding so up to her who she invites. Just go, be supportive, have a nice time

boredboredboredboredbored · 29/08/2019 12:32

NYE wedding are not cheap either, even though its winter there is a huge premium. I do not think yabu at all to be annoyed at the expense but when you emigrated did you not take things like weddings into consideration and imagine that you would need to travel for them?

Rubicon80 · 29/08/2019 12:34

Just don't go, why would you?

Coconutbug · 29/08/2019 12:39

If his friends are from America and they are coming over for the wedding, who would you expect to look after the kids whilst they are here? Especially as leaving at home may not be an option.
I think she should at least invite your cousin s for the evening if possible. But if she doesn't see or speak to them very often I can see why perhaps she wouldn't want them there

Jellybeansincognito · 29/08/2019 12:39

So how much would your expenses be for this wedding?
I don’t think I’d go... I mean, the wedding isn’t anything to do with you anyway (I’m not really a wedding fan however, I just don’t understand it!)
(I am married though, intimate wedding!)

Passthecherrycoke · 29/08/2019 12:43

“ Expecting people to fly in from all over the place and stay in London on NYE is crazy and declining that would absolutely not be a silly reason.”

Everyone would’ve had to fly in from all over the place no matter where she got married.

Cheeserton · 29/08/2019 12:43

NYE is seriously, seriously stupid.

Passthecherrycoke · 29/08/2019 12:43

@Jellybeansincognito you don’t understand that people invite guests to their wedding?

This thread is bonkers

AmIThough · 29/08/2019 12:45

Travelling to London from mainland Europe is much more reasonable than travelling to America.

Of course they have to invite their friends children - they're travelling from the states during the festive season!

They'll also be closer to those children than your cousins, presumably.

Suck it up - it's her wedding day.

Tightorright · 29/08/2019 12:46

I absolutely will be going, I love my sister and wouldn't dream of missing her wedding! I'm just pissed off at a) choosing NYE and b) taking over my mums house (as me and my other sister could have shared that second bedroom and put the guys downstairs, or one couple taken the second bedroom and one couple downstairs)

OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 29/08/2019 12:47

i agree it would be expensive regardless, however I would get annoyed if my sister was solely worried about appeasing the grooms side and not her familiy's.
I would have an open convo about the mounting costs for you with her.

SeaToSki · 29/08/2019 12:49

She needs to be REALLY careful about this as it could cause visa problems with her going back to the US to live.

My info may be out of date, but my understanding is
If she is British and he is American and they want to live in the US as a married couple
If they marry in the UK, she then needs to apply for an adjustment of status to enter the USA as a spouse of an American. She applies in the UK and cant enter the US until it is granted. The wait time for this can be months (it was 18 months when i enquired 20 yrs ago)

If they marry in the US, they have to apply for a fiancee visa for her to enter the US and get married there, which also has a processing time.

If she tries to enter the US outside of either of these two routes with the intention of just working around the rules, they will probably find out as they will be able to access her social media and email and they will ban her from the US for 5 years or more. They access social media and email by asking to look at your phone when you are entering... if you say no, they just send you back to where you came from

She and her DH need a proper plan for this BEFORE everyone books flights and hotels etc

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