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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be pissed off at expense for her wedding?

85 replies

Tightorright · 29/08/2019 11:45

My sister is getting married in London which is where we're from: except all of us kids emigrated. Her soon to be DH is from America, which is where they live. There was a massive hoo ha about where they would get married, in the US or UK, with my DM recommending they just have two small dos in both countries to keep things simple. However my sister decided to do a big thing in London because she wanted to dazzle his US crew (her words).

Our family is scattered over Europe. My sister set the date of the wedding: and she chose NYE. We told her that was a bad idea because of flights and venue expenses as well as town being mad, but it emerged that it had to be NYE because his family would be in Europe for Xmas anyway.

She has been really tight with her wedding despite getting four figure sums from both my DM and his to help with it, to the point where she decided that none of the cousins on our side would be invited (all our age), but that the young children of his friends (??????) would be. This has caused a little bit of friction in the family because we have aunts and uncles from our family, but none of our cousins there, and some people have been a bit offended.

Anyway, our DM lives in a small terraced house with two bedrooms. And rather than get a bridal suite or something (?) my sister has decided that she and soon to be DH will be staying at my mums. This means that all of us travelling from around Europe back to London not only have to buy our travel tickets for NYE which is really expensive (plus I dont have the cash to advance buy them now), but we also have to get an Air Bnb. An uncle coming down from Scotland has just been in touch and said he's found a place we could all get together but it will be 500 quid for four nights per couple.

I don't know I just feel annoyed because money is so tight for me atm. But am I being unreasonable? In her defence, what else could she do?

OP posts:

SeaToSki · 29/08/2019 12:51

Sorry, just read that back after posting and realised that I didn’t say that you have to apply for the fiancee visa in the UK and you cant travel to the US until it is granted. You then have an amount of time in which you have to get married in the Us

Teachermaths · 29/08/2019 12:51

Yabu about your mum's house. Why should she have to have loads of people in a 2 bed? Your sister and husband is enough, especially with a wedding going on. Why do you deserve it any more than she does?

It would have cost you whenever. At least London is cheaper than going to the USA.

£500 for 4 nights is pretty reasonable over new year.

Spingtrolls · 29/08/2019 12:53

Have you looked on airbnb. Places from £28 per night. And there's houses a lot less than what your uncle found.

It makes sense to do it then when family are all in Europe because they probably want one wedding with both sides of the family there. Just juggle the dates and it won't be as expensive as you are anticipating. Plus there are alternatives of flying.

The alternative would be you all fly to them, still have accommodation and all additional costs to pay.

It would also be nice surely to see all the family together and catch up with those that you don't see often.

shearwater · 29/08/2019 12:55

Instead of posting on MN, all talk to one another. Your parents could kindly suggest that while they are most welcome to spend their first night under their roof, would they not like the privacy of a hotel room and could they not use some of the four figure sum already given towards that, er, end.

thecatsthecats · 29/08/2019 12:58

I think you only have slight grounds from grumbling about it being NYE, because that is an expensive time, but then it sounds like she's making the most out of a big number of logistical considerations.

Those considerations include friends visiting from another country during the festive season having their kids there, vs cousins she can't see that much of. No wedding ceremony on earth is only considered to be for the purpose of a catch up with cousins!

I honestly think you're being a bit of a twat about the mum's house thing - you want it for YOUR benefit for HER wedding - well so does she, except it IS her wedding! Don't be such a selfish mare! It's only right she should get first dibs.

I don't think she could necessarily have saved very much money here at all to be honest, for themselves or for their guests, once you take into account the limitations of international guest who already have fixed plans.

Original poster

Tightorright · 29/08/2019 12:59

shearwater DM already said that and she said "no I want to be in the family home". She's coming back for 3 weeks.

OP posts:

Spingtrolls · 29/08/2019 12:59

As for staying with mum. Maybe as a bride to be she wants to spend that time with her mum. Even more so if they rarely see each other.

And maybe your mum doesn't want 4 additional adults in the house which includes the living room taken over.

Even if she didn't stay it would also probably turn into bride central. And leaving for the wedding, if it was you would you prefer leaving from parents house or some random house/hotel?

Original poster

Tightorright · 29/08/2019 13:01

thecatsthecats Haha you did make me laugh with "selfish mare". Yeah, I do know I'm being a but unreasonable. It's just shes bought a house and a freaking $800 rug and stuff and I'm like....Bloody get a bridal suite because I'm broke!!!!

OP posts:

RosaWaiting · 29/08/2019 13:06

OP I get it

she's booked a very expensive time and then decided to use free accommodation, while simultaneously spending on other things, in her words, to show off.

that's annoying. She's making the cost to her as much less as she can while increasing it for others.

floatinglily · 29/08/2019 13:06

Yeah sorry but YABU and very selfish. Also what's it to you if she invites cousins? It's her wedding - although you appear to have not grasped that...

Henrysnoopy · 29/08/2019 13:07

You dont sound like a kind sister

saraclara · 29/08/2019 13:07

My daughter has just got married. If she lived in the states and I had the choice of her and her partner staying with me, or my other two children and their partners, Damn right I'd choose the bride! Sorry, but what mother wouldn't?
Your mum will want to help her get ready, and did all the other lovely mother of the bride stuff.
My daughter stayed with me the night before her wedding, and the bridesmaids arrived early next morning to get ready. It was lovely!

saraclara · 29/08/2019 13:07

Did= do

EdtheBear · 29/08/2019 13:08

She's making the best out the situation. His family in Europe so why on earth not.
He can't exactly invite friends to a transatlantic wedding without kids. Has he even met your cousins?

Another considation is Americans get far less holiday leave than people in the UK. So makes sense to do it while they are in Europe.

SavingSpaces2019 · 29/08/2019 13:11

I love my sister and wouldn't dream of missing her wedding!
She knows this - and still she chooses to behave in a selfish, entitled and bratty manner.
You choose to enable her - so you got no sympathy from me.

reginafelangee · 29/08/2019 13:13

An international wedding was always going to cost no matter what.

At least at new year then people also aren't also having to use up lots of annual leave to attend.

corkmammy3 · 29/08/2019 13:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Teachermaths · 29/08/2019 13:16

Fly in and out for one night if you're that broke.

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 29/08/2019 13:16

Agree London seems the best place but actual NYE is daft.
It’s stupidly expensive,most places will be booked already, accommodation sky high. Also having a seperate U.K. celebration ie New Years works out better for guests rather than just one celebration.

I’d also be careful with Visas. My U.K. friend had to get married to their us partner in the states for that reason. But maybe it’s to do with green cards which I assume she has already.

mistermagpie · 29/08/2019 13:21

Well the NYE thing isn't great but given those circumstances it was always going to be expensive and you would have been spending a hell of a lot more if they were getting married in America!

The thing with the friends children, I do think you're being unreasonable there. Are you suggesting that her friends travel from the US and what? Leave their children behind? Who with for a start? Unless these 'children' are adult children then you aren't really being fair. Not everyone has childcare and they obviously want their friends to come.

nothingsreallynewunderthesun · 29/08/2019 13:23

I think it's supposed to be traditional to get married "from" the bride's home, so spending the night before there with your mum is understandable, but not to spend the following night there!

I don't like weddings personally and would be tempted not to go, but would because a sibling's wedding kind of is compulsory in the end, for all people pretend to believe it's an invitation not a summons your mutual parent might never really forgive you for not going and you'd certainly be painted as the unreasonable one in the family.

I do however understand completely why the small children of his friends are invited - wtf are they supposed to do with them otherwise! They'll be thousands of miles from home and would have to pay for grandparents to fly too to babysit or leave them for several days or with complete strangers.

Does your sister even really know your cousin's? I didn't invite my cousins to my small wedding and did invite close friends, with their small children, because I barely know my cousins, having seen them once or twice a year as children and then only every 3 or 4 years at weddings or funerals, to exchange two minutes of small talk with, as an adult, and my friends were far more important!

thetoddleratemyhomework · 29/08/2019 13:24

Could you stay out of Central London for all but the night of NYE, or fly in and out?

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 29/08/2019 13:24

I dont think 500 quid per couple for 4 nights in London on NYE sounds bad? Lots of people get married in a country type hotel that's a couple of hundred quid a night. And you will be able to cook etc so save money there

Anyway I know it's not the point of the thread! For a destination wedding you have to invite friends kids (so the grooms friends kids) as most people wont leave their kids behind in another continent for someone elses wedding.

It is rubbish its costing you so much but I think you just have to suck it up, and stand firm on any additional costs (eg if she wanted you to go on a hen night beforehand or buy an expensive wedding gift). Realistically if its already booked there isn't much else you can do. Unless you ask your mum if you can sleep on the lounge floor in an air bed or something as you cant afford it otherwise? Also if you live abroad you might find the uk nice and cheap in December!

justasking111 · 29/08/2019 13:26

Well of course she will be staying with her Mum on the eve of her wedding, puzzled why you think that is not on

flouncyfanny · 29/08/2019 13:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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