Aibu - I called the police

[clpsmum]

Feel like I actually was unreasonable but didn't know what else to do. STBXH dropped by unannounced today and to cut a long story short it resulted in an argument. Me and my kids weren't in any danger.

He started crying and feeling sorry for himself in front of the kids. I told him I thought he should leave. He refused and said he was staying the night. I said absolutely not we've been separated almost two years and you can't just stay here and make me feel unsafe in my home (jointly owned). He refused to leave so I called the police

Have a look at these people, then give them a ring. They specialise in getting court orders to prevent abusive partners approaching you, or your house, or anywhere you are likely to be (e.g. your work). If they breach the order, that IS a criminal offence and they will be immediately arrested.

So, talk to them. Tell them what's happened - all of it. They will tell you whether you have a case to get these court orders or not. If you do, they will sort it out, usually within 24 hours.

www.ncdv.org.uk/

The police are there to prevent crime, as well as investigate it. Removing a violent man from your house is perfectly legitimate use of their time. As others have said, please contact women's aid and get their advice on what to do next.

You need to make a formal statement about him hitting you as this will only escalate.

I'm sorry that the police made you feel as though you'd wasted their time - in fact it was probably the right thing to do, given that he'd hit you the week before and was acting strangely this time too. Also it would have sent him a message that you're not just going to take his shit lying down, you will stand up for yourself.

The police at least removed him - so they did understand that there was a potential threat - but they shouldn't have been so negative about the reporting. Although I can understand that - they will have done it so often, where they've started the paperwork for charging him etc. and then the woman pulls the complaint, which IS a colossal waste of everyone's time, especially as it's likely to happen again.

Sorry the police made you feel
This way I’d say you 100% did the right thing. If a stranger wouldn’t leave your house you’d call the police, if you don’t want them there and they won’t leave that is a police matter.

Ps change the locks.

Thank you all so much for your support and advice it is very greatly appreciated.

He seems to be under the impression that if he comes back here he'll be arrested, that isn't the case but I'm letting him believe it!

Sounds like a plan!

Yes.

And it might not be untrue, depending on his behaviour.

IME, once you are prepared to call the police, they become more careful, but beware that he may find other ways of pushing boundaries.

I had a very similar situation with my ex, he had been violent in the past and turned up at my house unnanounced a year after we broke up.
He'd been drinking and wouldn't leave so I rang the police. They did remove him but made me feel like shit for ringing them. I had to explain that if I didnt ring them there was a very good chance he would of become violent and the last time he did he almost killed me. It was much better to ring before it escalated then them have to come out in the morning when my children would of found me dead.
I think you did the right thing op, its not normal for him to still be like this 2 years on, please contact woman's aid and maybe social services to arrange contact? It sounds like this man should be no where near you.

Whatever the circumstances relating to ownership, turning up and using intimidatory tactics to stay the night would be regarded by a court as dubious at best. The police are a different matter; they probably rugswept it as 'just another domestic'. Even so, you did the right thing in reporting it as if this becomes a precedent there is now the start of a paper trail.

You need to talk to your solicitor about a clean break settlement happening sooner rather than later. Even if this means selling the house or buying your ex out. He can't be using his joint ownership of the home to hold you to ransom in this way.

Legal aid is not available unless there is both dv and the person seeking advice has very limited means of capital and income.

The police will inform SS they have a duty to do so. I reported an ex once for harassing me and threats over emails and they informed social services. They asked me to go down for a formal interview and explain what had happened and filled out some kind of handheld note pad (can’t remember what they called it now) but basically a risk assessment so they may well be back in touch to as you to complete this.

The officer I spoke to advised he would need to discuss with his supervisor to assess the risk and it would be discussed in an open forum if you will, with social services present who would decide on the level of risk.

I feel if they don’t follow up on this then they are not doing their job properly as he has been violent towards you and turned up unannounced demanding to stay at your home.

The police will inform SS they have a duty to do so

This has been said throughout the thread, but I wouldn't be so sure, considering how dismissive they were and their warning about consequences. It seems like they didn't welcome the extra work.

www.family-solicitors.co.uk/occupation-orders/

Yanbu

Covers all eventualities without getting SS involved and if broken by him can carry upto 5 year prison sentence.

Might be viewed as extreme by some but you and kids safety and peace of mind is paramount.

Best of luck whatever you decide x