Aibu - I called the police

[clpsmum]

Feel like I actually was unreasonable but didn't know what else to do. STBXH dropped by unannounced today and to cut a long story short it resulted in an argument. Me and my kids weren't in any danger.

He started crying and feeling sorry for himself in front of the kids. I told him I thought he should leave. He refused and said he was staying the night. I said absolutely not we've been separated almost two years and you can't just stay here and make me feel unsafe in my home (jointly owned). He refused to leave so I called the police

The police warned you off reporting the violence by warning of social services and horrible consequences for the family??

@Cheeserton yes basically. He said he would take a statement if that's what I wanted to do but warned it could make things very ugly and have consequences. I didn't actually want to get him into trouble or arrested etc I just wanted him to leave

They'll probably inform SS themselves anyway as they've been called to an address with children.

I think that's fairly standard?

@WorraLiberty yes I think so too. I'm expecting to hear from SS

Put the events in an email to the police, and complain that they threatened you with social services. If he has been violent, and is now acting very strangely, refusing to leave where you live, call the police every time - he’s violent and unpredictable and a threat. That is a police matter (assault if fear of violence) and harassment if more than 2/3 incidents.

@Cheeserton think they were just warning me what could happen rather than warning me off if you see what I mean.

I sure hope so, as they certainly shouldn't be in the business of advising people not to report any form of DV.

They asked me if I wanted to make a statement and he would be arrested and social services would be involved and it could have all sorts of horrible implications for all of us including DC

Not on

Absolutely no way should you be having to put up with this- he IS abusive and violent, the fact he hit you should be first in everything you say!!

You really do need to take legal advice. Your children need protecting from witnessing violence against you and you must ensure the proper systems are put into place to avoid their exposure to violence. If you don't take the appropriate steps, ss will become involved and remain involved. You must ensure yours but most importantly the children's safety.

I think you need to get your thoughts clear, try to get a timeline worked out: When he left and why? Has he lived in your house at all since then? The dates if he has (as far as you can remember). Anytimes he has made you of the DC feel uncomfortable. The events surrounding him hitting you. And then the events when you called the police.

SS being called will not necessarily cause problems - if you are seen as doing your best to keep your children safe from violence or witnessing violence etc. They may be able to help.

But you need to get legal advice and separate your lives properly. Get him off the mortgage or the house sold, and make sure you don't subsidise any profit he is going to make.

clpsmum YWNBU and the police were deliberately trying to influence you not to report the violence so they didn’t have to bother dealing with it. You should make the complaint properly and stop down playing (to yourself, to MN and to the police) the fact he hit you. CPS will be informed (they should be, your exDH being violent is not good for your DC) but they can help ensure your children are protected, it would only “get ugly” if you refused to take steps to protect them.

I can sort of see why the police are frustrated if you just want them to be your muscle (I don’t want him to get in trouble or get arrested, I just want him to leave) but they still have an obligation to treat the situation seriously and not try and pass the buck and minimize everything. The law is, unfortunately, not very easy or effective at nipping this sort of thing in the bud. These situations escalate. Last week he hit you. This week he insisted on staying and you had to call the police. What happens next time? Calling the police was sensible and you should feel able to do so again if he behave poorly.

What are you doing to put better boundaries in place? Do you have a court agreement about when he can see the children? What’s your timetable to finalize your financial settlement so he no longer has a claim on the house? Can you insist he picks up and drops off the children at a different location (you drop off and pick, maybe?) so he isn’t coming to the house?

You didn't overreact in the least. I suggest you phone a solicitor specialising in domestic violence about getting an injunction.

The police were way out of line. A desperate ex-partner refusing to leave your home (regardless of technical ownership, its where you and DC have resided for 2 yrs and he has not) is absolutely potentially dangerous. Add in the escalating violence and there's some serious red flags there. I think you should talk to a solicitor and a domestic violence advocate to sort out your rights with regard to his forcing his way back in. Yanbu.

Some years ago now, I had been separated from exH for 2 months, he lived elsewhere, when he turned up at the house and refused to leave.

I was paying the mortgage but we both owned the house. Even though he had not been physically violent (but plenty of sexual abuse, controlling behaviour etc) I ended up locking myself in the bathroom and calling the police.

When they arrived they took me quite seriously, had a ‘chat’ with ex outside the house, and told me they had explained to him that he had no right to demand access to our house. Then also advised me to change the locks.

I don’t know if it made any difference, but my daughters, 12 and 16 at the time, and I all looked scared and shaken. They most certainly did not make me feel I had wasted their time. They told me to call them again if he came back.

It sounds like the officers who dealt with you and your ex were pretty poor at their jobs.

Good grief, surely police officers should know that they don't get a perfectly coherent, detailed, timeline of events when called to domestic situations? And they should well know that they need to be careful mentioning social services involvement, so it doesn't sound like a threat. Those police officers have handled the situation very badly.

And I'd say it was a domestic violence situation - bullying, intimidating, refusing to leave a house he hasn't lived in for two years - I can't see how that could be anything other than domestic violence.

On the other hand, clpsmum, you did everything right. Above all, you've demonstrated that if you think there's the slightest risk to your children, you called the police. That's what social services would be looking for.

Whatever the legal rights he's got because his name is on some bit of paper, he doesn't have the moral right to walk into a house he hasn't lived in for two years and behave the way he did.

If the police are called to a domestic incident where children are resident, SS are involved as a matter of course whether you emeantbit or not and whether or not further charges are brought. If you called them because your ex was there causing trouble their job is to avoid an escalation. If children are involved their first port of call is NOT who owns the house/who pays the mortgage. It's 'are the children safe and what needs to be done to ensure the children are/continue to remain safe'

That's my experience of these situations so your account leaves me wondering what else has gone on?

His behaviour is escalating, you need to contact the police domestic violence team and women’s aide.

He has assaulted you, so your concern should not be about him but yourself and your children. Ss can help by the way

I don't think the police are being very helpful. He turned up at your home making demands and hit you previously. His behaviour is escalating.
I think you need an injunction. See a solicitor.
If you hadn't have called the police he'd have been on your doorstep non stop.

This sounds very frightening. The fact that his behaviour is unravelling now, 2 years after your relationship ended makes it seem more sinister. I am sorry you and your children are going through this.

I would recommend you speak to your local domestic abuse support service. He has hit you and he has made you and your children feel unsafe in your home. You need specialist advice. If Social Services get involved, you tell them what is happening. You aren’t in an intimate relationship with him, he has hit you and when you felt threatened, you called the police. You are doing all you can to protect your children.

I would also speak to the police and ask if they have a specialist domestic abuse team - they will be a bit more aware of the red flags of escalating abuse than whichever bobbies on the beat that attended your house. They should not have made you feel like you were wasting their time. 2 women a week are murdered by current or ex partners. You are absolutely right o call for help if you don’t feel safe.

Women’s Aid (or your local service) would be a great place to start.

'warned it could make things very ugly and have consequences'

What the actual? And then the deciding you're 'both as bad as each other' - sounds like policing from the 1970s, driven by the cultural attitude that the woman should put up and shut up.

If that's what happened, I would be making a complaint to the police, tbh.

Agree with the posters saying his behaviour is escalating. Please be careful.
Sadly I had a similar experience with the police and my exH. They wouldn’t make him leave a jointly owned property despite recorded incidents of violence and told me in front of him we had to sort out our own “domestic”.
As soon as he realised the police weren’t going to make him leave he started to turn up all the time. I had to leave the property (no DC thank goodness).
I’d suggest a call to the DV support unit for advice and also reconsider reporting him for hitting you. Best of luck.

Change the locks.

Yes SS will be informed but don't worry, it will be to support you in protecting your children. Go to CAB and find out what your rights are, it's a pity you didn't call the police when you hit you last week. Change the locks and don't let him past the front door in future. If he keeps harassing you , you can apply for a harassment order I would think. Go to women's aid and CAB to get advice on what to do next/in future.

YABU. Your poor kids.

I would have done the same. Been separated from my ex same amount of time and if he wouldn't leave my home I'd maybe try and call friends first to get him out but if that didn't work yes the police. Why the hell should you have to put up with him being in your home when you don't want him there.