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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu - I called the police

115 replies

clpsmum · 28/08/2019 23:00

Feel like I actually was unreasonable but didn't know what else to do. STBXH dropped by unannounced today and to cut a long story short it resulted in an argument. Me and my kids weren't in any danger.

He started crying and feeling sorry for himself in front of the kids. I told him I thought he should leave. He refused and said he was staying the night. I said absolutely not we've been separated almost two years and you can't just stay here and make me feel unsafe in my home (jointly owned). He refused to leave so I called the police

OP posts:

StillCoughingandLaughing · 28/08/2019 23:14

Given that you know that, legally, you can’t force him to leave, you can’t really be surprised by how the police reacted. This sounds like a civil rather than criminal matter.

Lumene · 28/08/2019 23:14

YANBU

WorraLiberty · 28/08/2019 23:15

What did the police do?

BIWI · 28/08/2019 23:15

Did you report the fact that he hit you to the police?

TiredyMcTired · 28/08/2019 23:15

Although I can understand your reasons for calling the police, I do think YWBU. Could you have called a friend for support instead? From what you’ve said, nothing illegal happened and you and the kids weren’t in danger so I’m not surprised the police weren’t too impressed at being called out.

Original poster

clpsmum · 28/08/2019 23:16

@WorraLiberty the police actually did tell him to leave. They advised us to sell the house ASAP and go out separate ways completely.

OP posts:

Shouldbedoing · 28/08/2019 23:17

Can't find where I got that info.from but it was very comforting 2 years ago when.we'd been separated 6 months. Didn't stop him.rooting about in the house while I was away on holiday though.

Crowdo · 28/08/2019 23:17

I wouldn't have called the police. I'd have got him a blanket and let him sleep on the sofa.

IamtheOA · 28/08/2019 23:17

You did the right thing.

Tbh, police don't give a shit about this sort of thing.
But you still did the right thing

Haggisfish · 28/08/2019 23:18

I’d report the hitting you.

dollydaydream114 · 28/08/2019 23:18

he did hit me last weekend

You probably should have said in your original post, because that's a hell of a drip-feed - if he has been violent towards you at the weekend then of course you were potentially in danger when he turned up today and of course you were right to call the police today. You should have called the police when he hit you, in fact. Did you tell them today that this man you separated from two years ago has started hitting you?

Crowdo · 28/08/2019 23:18

Oh, missed the bit where he hit you. In that case, no I'd have insisted he left.

WorraLiberty · 28/08/2019 23:19

I wouldn't have called the police. I'd have got him a blanket and let him sleep on the sofa.

Yes but there's been a bit of a drip feed in that he was violent to the OP last weekend.

Original poster

clpsmum · 28/08/2019 23:19

@BIWI I told them about the violence last weekend. They asked me if I wanted to make a statement and he would be arrested and social services would be involved and it could have all sorts of horrible implications for all of us including DC. I said I just wanted him out of the house.

I told them that I'd panicked and didn't know what to do. I didn't want him to just decide he would move back in and try and force me to get back with him.

I'm here with my dc and have no family and few friends. I didn't know what else to do and feel like it was a total over reaction on my part tbh. Feel very confused

OP posts:

AnotherEmma · 28/08/2019 23:19

"he did hit me last weekend for the first time ever."

Would have been relevant if you'd put that in the first post.

Given that vital piece of information, of course you felt intimidated by him.

I don't know why you said there was no abuse or violence, clearly there was a risk/threat of violence if he has hit you recently.

I hope you reported the hitting incident.

Get a chain for your front door and use it, don't let him in at all.

Are you absolutely sure he no longer has any keys to the property?

dollydaydream114 · 28/08/2019 23:19

@crowdo - you'd have let him sleep on the sofa, really? And got him a nice blanket? Did you miss the follow-up post where the OP explains that he hit her at the weekend? Christ.

AnotherEmma · 28/08/2019 23:20

Cross post

I think you need to contact women's aid

Original poster

clpsmum · 28/08/2019 23:20

Sorry for drip feeding everyone didn't mean to.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 28/08/2019 23:21

Yes dolly she did, which is why it would have been a good idea if the OP had put it in her opening post.

I expect a few other posters will miss it too.

Original poster

clpsmum · 28/08/2019 23:22

@dollydaydream114 I did tell them today and he told them a different version. They said we are basically as bad as each other as they couldn't determine who was telling the truth!

OP posts:

dollydaydream114 · 28/08/2019 23:22

Feel very confused

There is nothing to be confused about. He cheated on you, has lived apart from you for two years, has hit you at the weekend and then a couple of days later turned up at the house he hasn't lived in for two years and insisted he was going to stay the night with you. He is violent and abusive and dangerous and he shouldn't be anywhere near you or your children. Please, please wake up and see what's happening here. He is a textbook abuser.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 28/08/2019 23:24

No "history" of violence but he did hit me last weekend for the first time ever. Never ever saw that coming and just don't know him any more.

Hit you last weekend and turning up insisting on staying today?? This guy is abusive. He almost certainly would have engineered another violent situation tonight had you not made him leave. You did absolutely the right thing and you need to report the assault on you last weekend.

Original poster

clpsmum · 28/08/2019 23:26

Sorry everyone for dripfeeding and not being very clear. When I said no history of violence what I meant was the incident last weekend was a one off and I've not lived with him hitting me throughout the marriage if you know what I mean

OP posts:

Templetonstunafish · 28/08/2019 23:27

YANBU. Can you speak to a lawyer about getting in writing that he cannot just turn up? He sounds unstable.

Original poster

clpsmum · 28/08/2019 23:28

@Templetonstunafish I agree he does sound unstable and he's acting it and that's why I was scared. I never thought he would've hit me but he did. I don't think he'd do it again but I don't know he wouldn't. He's unstable, desperate and unpredictable and that's what scares me

OP posts:

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