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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu - I called the police

115 replies

clpsmum · 28/08/2019 23:00

Feel like I actually was unreasonable but didn't know what else to do. STBXH dropped by unannounced today and to cut a long story short it resulted in an argument. Me and my kids weren't in any danger.

He started crying and feeling sorry for himself in front of the kids. I told him I thought he should leave. He refused and said he was staying the night. I said absolutely not we've been separated almost two years and you can't just stay here and make me feel unsafe in my home (jointly owned). He refused to leave so I called the police

OP posts:
mrssoap · 29/08/2019 07:13

Just read a comment that it's jointly owned. In that case I'm not sure because he has same right as you to live there.

IAskTooManyQuestions · 29/08/2019 07:53

They asked me if I wanted to make a statement and he would be arrested and social services would be involved and it could have all sorts of horrible implications for all of us including DC.

He said he would take a statement if that's what I wanted to do but warned it could make things very ugly and have consequences. I didn't actually want to get him into trouble or arrested etc I just wanted him to leave

The police gave this level of opinion? They would have informed you they would have to do a safeguarding report, no way would they second guess what SS may or may not decide.

However, Im now getting irritated with your whole story because you are using the police as your personal man guarding team. That's not what they are there for. You didn't want him arrested or charged, just moved along. Its actually irrelevant whether he pays the mortgage or you do, his name is on the deeds, and without a court order he has ever right to enter his property, he could move back in if he so chose.

So get a court order.

Original poster
clpsmum · 29/08/2019 07:53

It's just all so messed up. Really didn't want it to come to this, didn't intend to phone the police but panicked and didn't know what to do. I can't live in the same house as him and have nowhere else to go

OP posts:
Original poster
clpsmum · 29/08/2019 07:56

@IAskTooManyQuestions sorry that I'm irritating you. As I've said I phoned the police as I panicked and didn't know what else to do.

OP posts:
YouSayPotatoesISayVodka · 29/08/2019 08:02

You totally did the right thing OP and just one indication of this is despite the attitude of the officers they sent him on his way. Don’t let anyone make you feel bad for this. This mess is your ex’s responsibility because of his awful shitty behaviour.

Lweji · 29/08/2019 08:11

You had some good advice on this thread.

This man is a risk to you and the children. You simply don't know what he's capable of if he decides in his head that he should be back together with you and that his family is being kept away from him.

Do contact Woman's Aid and get a court order to prevent him from entering the house.
Report all instances of violence and intimidating behaviour. They make up a pattern of domestic violence that authorities shouldn't ignore.

As for the consequences, it's his problem. He's the one acting and you're the one suffering from his actions. He should think of those consequences before hitting you. When you report him for it, consequences are not your problem.

It won't be too ugly unless his behaviour gets worse. Men still don't get put in jail for one instance of physical violence.
More likely he'll get an order to stay away from you.

My advice (and I've been there) is to get legal protection and, yes, do call the police every time you need to.
Take precautionary measures, ideally. Change locks, put chains, arrange drop offs in public places or with witnesses.

I hope the children didn't witness him hitting you. Sad

Horsemad · 29/08/2019 08:12

OP, you really need to speak to Women's Aid or a solicitor ASAP.

This can be sorted but you need legal assistance.

Andysbestadventure · 29/08/2019 08:18

If he hit you OP and you used the police to remove him from the property in that instance then chose not to make a statement or prosecute, then yes. You are wasting their time.

The Police are not Bouncers. And you need to make a statement and follow it through.

Your ex's behaviour is escalating and you need to protect your children. Open your bloody eyes.

Daylily34 · 29/08/2019 08:25

You didn’t put in your first post that he hit you last weekend ... I think the responses you are getting would be different if you had.

I personally think you were right to call the police - you really do need to tell them exactly what’s happening though .

candycane222 · 29/08/2019 08:51

OP you say you "didn't want it to come to this" but IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. It is HIM who has made it "come to this", by his actions. He hit you. He refused to leave and acted in an intimidating and bullying fashion.

The police appear to have been unsympathetic, but they got him to go. I can't see what your alternative was to be honest.

It has "come to this" BECAUSE OF HIM AND HIS ACTIONS. It's a mess. but it's a mess of his making. You are 1000% entitled - no - obliged, in fact, given that you have young children - to keep yourself safe.

Flowers for you.

Notverygrownup · 29/08/2019 08:52

Well done for standing up for yourself and calling the police. You are on a huge learning curve here - we don't always get it right first time, but you did the right thing to protect your children, yourself and your home.

You have posted in AIBU (and you didn't mention your stbxh hitting you in your OP) so you are getting some harsh posts because AIBU is like that.

Please can I suggest that you start a thread in Relationships asking for help and advice and support in moving forward. Your stbxh has hit you and is now behaving unpredictably. You managed to get him out of your home with the help of the police - you did the right thing. However, you may have more challenges ahead and there are loads of people in relationships with the experience and knowledge to support and help you.

Best of luck

Juells · 29/08/2019 08:58

Wildorchidz

I can see their point. You were at no risk. Your children were at no risk. He is still legally joint owner of the house. Why was it a police matter?

What next? He's still legally married to her and wants to share a bed?

StroppyWoman · 29/08/2019 09:07

YWNBU
Change your locks and take the excellent advice of PP. Women’s Aid are there for precisely this.

FirstTimeFlyer · 29/08/2019 09:13

You'll have the SS on your door either way, police don't wait for permission if they think your kids are in danger.

Missingstreetlife · 29/08/2019 09:17

Get legal aid free if domestic abuse. You may get an order to stay in the house, keep him out, sort out contact, child support etc.
He doesn't sound well, is he fit to see/have kids, does he need help?
Social services may be helpful, the police are out of order warning you about them

Juells · 29/08/2019 09:33

He said he would take a statement if that's what I wanted to do but warned it could make things very ugly and have consequences.

Absolutely shocking thing to say to you. The police who came out didn't want to be arsed, that old thing of "it's only a domestic".

HasThisSoddingNameGoneToo · 29/08/2019 09:41

You called the police because you - understandably - felt powerless and vulnerable. Please act on those feelings and take immediate, effective steps to stop this happening again.

You need a solicitor.

Batqueen · 29/08/2019 11:19

The police really let you down here.

You called because you felt scared and were made to feel silly and told you were as bad as your abuser who told them lies and gaslighted you. They made you feel ridiculous when you were already feeling like you were overreacting in spite of the fact he has been violent to you. They are making you worry more about getting your violent ex partner in trouble and the consequences of social services involvement when you should be more worried about protecting your kids from a violent father and welcoming social services if they can support you in doing that.

They let you down. You weren’t unreasonable to call them. Get some help from a solicitor or women’s aid to empower yourself.

Crowdo · 29/08/2019 11:45

In my experience, OP, the police have tried to put me off reporting things. I honestly don't know why.

GinNotGym19 · 29/08/2019 11:53

I don’t think you was wrong to call the police. I’m separated and was told by cab and my solicitor to call the police if something like this happens to me again. We jointly own and he doesn’t live here. My ex has a habit of turning up and refusing to go, I completely get how you feel. It’s the anxiety and the horrible feeling of being forced to spend time with them.

Grambler · 29/08/2019 11:54

If anything you (and the police) are under-reacting. It's not so much 'my ex wanted to spend the night in the house he half-owns' rather than 'the abusive man that hit me last weekend refused to leave my house.'

You can look into an occupation order and a non-molestation order. Welcome SS getting involved to keep your children safe.

brighteyeowl17 · 29/08/2019 11:56

If someone wouldn’t leave my house jointly owned or not I would feel threatened. Not unreasonable. Especially behaving badly in front of kids as some sort of bargaining tool.

Millie2017 · 29/08/2019 12:44

@Crowdo same experience here. Once a member of the public called the police when they saw my exH be violent towards me. When they came they questioned me in front of exH, not separately and described the incident as a domestic rather then an assault.

Juells · 29/08/2019 12:52

"domestic" is such a useful word. It means if the man threatening a woman has had a relationship with her - ever - then she shouldn't be making a fuss.

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 29/08/2019 13:05

You weren't unreasonable to call the police.

You could try another thread in relationships with a bit more in the op about his violence and get some advice about what to do now.

Specialist police officers dealing with reports of domestic abuse are often a lot better at this sort of thing than beat coppers.

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