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AIBU?

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Original poster

Should they pay?

102 replies

wedmin · 28/08/2019 20:53

We are getting married in a few weeks and have to take all the rooms at the venue in the night of the wedding. It's a beautiful hotel so I offered the rooms to close family and the bridal party before offering them to other guests. Most of the bridal party said yes, one said no as they live near by, absolutely fine.

A few weeks ago I sent the details around including amount and bank details. One of my bridesmaids said she'd speak to her husband and let me know, I replied saying that was fine, let me know by X date as I have someone else who will take it if not (DH's parents friends who had asked if there was space). I followed up with her a few days later and she confirmed they 'definitely wanted it'. We let DH's parents friends know there wasn't a room available and they booked somewhere else.

Her husband messaged me this morning saying he's booked somewhere else (£100 cheaper) so didn't need the room. I explained that it was too late as we couldn't give it to someone else now and we would have to pay if he didn't. He's just saying the venue should let us cancel (they won't, we have to take the whole hotel) and acknowledging it's their fault but hasn't offered to pay for it. She hasn't said anything!

AIBU to insist they pay? I'm so upset and can't understand why they would think this is acceptable behaviour, or why her husband is messaging me. She is a long standing, close friend so I'm really hurt.

Just for information, their daughter (my god daughter) is also one of my flower girls and I have paid everything for both of their outfits, right down to the socks and shoes, so it's not like I've put them out of pocket in any way.

OP posts:
MsVestibule · 28/08/2019 21:01

Morally, yes, they should pay. (We did exactly the same as you for our wedding and had to pay for a couple of unused rooms.)

However, it's your wedding day - is it really worth sticking to your guns and potentially making things difficult? Is it possible for the other couple who wanted it to cancel their hotel booking and take it now?

Cheeserton · 28/08/2019 21:01

YANBU, they definitely need to pay, no ifs or buts. Message your friend firmly and clearly.

IAskTooManyQuestions · 28/08/2019 21:02

Yes it is shitty behaviour, and I'd be reviewing the friendship in its entirety - but do you think he might be a bit of skinflint, or even that they are finding things tight and £100 is a lot of difference.

I would do the following - go to the bridesmaid/wife and say - we've paid for the room, do you do still want it don't you, just in case blokie is trying a fast one

Check with parents friends that they cant switch back

Offer it to the wider party

CakeWarrior · 28/08/2019 21:16

I literally had this exact thing happen to me. They refused to pay despite promising for months they "definitely" wanted it and then dropped us in it the month before. She was a bridesmaid and her husband a groomsman. We were very clear from the outset the price and we had also reduced the prices and paid a sum ourselves to reduce the costs. Needless to say they made out we were the unreasonable ones and couldn't see how they has left us in the creek. We gave the room to a family member for half the price just to get it used and needless to say they were not at the wedding and we no longer speak to them.
Op, They knew all along had no intention of having it and have clearly been looking around to book elsewhere - and they havent even had the decency to tell you they were looking for someplace else.

Waveysnail · 28/08/2019 21:21

Any chance they cant afford it so the husband went ahead and booked other place? I'd put a message out to all guests and say that a room has become available for £x if anyone would like to stay at the wedding venue. Perhaps someone will decide they want to stay last minute

TabbyMumz · 28/08/2019 21:26

I don't think they should pay. Is there not anyone else who wants the room?

Salene · 28/08/2019 21:30

Can they afford to pay is what I would be asking.? Nd if not I would offer to pay the difference so they can still stay in the hotel.

NoSquirrels · 28/08/2019 21:32

You need to email or message BOTH your friend & her husband and say that while you appreciate the room they have booked is £100 cheaper, you are now £X00 out of pocket. And you’d checked multiple times as others would have taken the room. So please could they either a) cancel their booking and take the room they’d originally agreed to?

If it is no, I’d ask around your friends and offer it out at a reduced rate, just so you’re not stuck with the full cost.

How awful of them! If she’s a dear friend she should be ripping her husband a new one.

WaterSheep · 28/08/2019 21:34

In this situation I would have said first to pay can have it. Unfortunately for you they won't pay, as they think you'll be able to find someone else.

Onlythelonelywelcome · 28/08/2019 21:36

You don’t have to pay though.
You’ve already paid for the whole venue so you aren’t having to pay again. Your not anymore out of pocket.
It might seem a bit shitty but if no one was prepared to take any of the rooms you would still be paying the same price

Witchinaditch · 28/08/2019 21:37

It bugs me when you have to take the whole hotel it’s like guests have to subsidise your wedding. misses point of thread not sure who should pay, if I was the bride I’d just pay, if I was the bridesmaid I wouldn’t have accepted the room and gone somewhere else... not helpful sorry

Original poster
wedmin · 28/08/2019 21:45

They definitely can afford it. They are well off enough, an extra £100 wouldn't have broken the bank. Plus she could have just said no thanks.

We reserved another couple of local b&b's so that people would have somewhere to stay, so everyone that isn't able to travel home is sorted for accommodation. It's 2 weeks away.

I've just said I think he's being unfair.

OP posts:
mrsm43s · 28/08/2019 21:47

Honestly, the fact that YOU entered into a contract with the hotel to book all the rooms is not really their problem. Morally, yes, I guess they're dropping you in it to an extent, however if they can save £100 a night going elsewhere, then that suggests that your venue is expensive, and possibly they don't have an extra £100 to spare. Often the room price in "exclusive venues" are, in fact, subsidising the wedding cost. Given how much more this is than other local venues, I wonder if this is the case?

lisasimpsonssaxophone · 28/08/2019 21:48

Ooh, tricky... them pulling out now is crappy and YANBU to be annoyed but I would personally stop short of making them pay. If you have to take all the rooms anyway then you’re sort of asking people to subsidise your wedding (albeit in a small way) by insisting on having people pay for and fill those rooms. It’s always a tricky situation and one which I think needs handling quite carefully. As a guest it’s rather irritating to have someone beg you to stay at the venue and stump up £X when you know the alternative is that they just have to cover it themselves!

But they should really have stuck to their word if they already agreed to take it.

I think it would be best to offer it to the parents’ friends now as they still might be able to cancel their hotel booking. Or you could offer it to other guests and see if there are any other takers. Otherwise for the sake of a couple of hundred quid I’d probably grit my teeth and just pay it...

lisasimpsonssaxophone · 28/08/2019 21:50

As a compromise you could ask them to take the room and cover the £100 difference?

Original poster
wedmin · 28/08/2019 21:51

@Onlythelonelywelcome that's the point, we didn't, as we had someone else who wanted the room. I'd already offered it to my bridesmaid and she then confirmed they wanted it, so I had to say no to the other people. If she'd just said no it wouldn't have been a problem.

@Witchinaditch it's a fairly small boutique hotel so it would be a bit weird if there were random people staying at the same time. I get what you mean though.

OP posts:
misspiggy19 · 28/08/2019 21:54

Op, They knew all along had no intention of having it and have clearly been looking around to book elsewhere - and they havent even had the decency to tell you they were looking for someplace else.

^This. Their behaviour is shitty and unreasonable.

Original poster
wedmin · 28/08/2019 21:55

@lisasimpsonssaxophone we absolutely didn't beg. It was offered as it's really lovely and I thought they might like to stay, my other bridesmaid just said no and that was absolutely fine.
We could have easily filled the rooms but letting us down 2 weeks before is what's upset me.

OP posts:
WaterSheep · 28/08/2019 21:56

we had someone else who wanted the room.

As quite a lot of time had passed, it was also a very real possibility that had the bridesmaid and husband pulled out on the date you set, the other couple could have already sorted accommodation.

InvisibleWomenMustBeRead · 28/08/2019 21:57

They should pay Op and have been completely out of order, however I'd let it go as otherwise it will spoil things for you and you'll be unable to make them pay anyway!

Belfield · 28/08/2019 22:00

When you take all the rooms it is a gamble whether all can be filled. I would be annoyed that you were told so late but ultimately you are only paying for one and given there is a £100 difference for local accomodation you did well to fill the other rooms.the dh probably emailed you directly because your friend may not agree without him and so told him your decision, you can deal with it. You never truly know peoples finances either. I would see £100 difference a lot.

lisasimpsonssaxophone · 28/08/2019 22:01

wedmin I’m not suggesting you begged but it’s just a fact that you needed someone to take the room or you’d have to pay for it, which guests are usually well aware of and it can therefore make things a bit awkward. Particularly if the place is much pricier than other nearby options!

I do sympathise though. My own (fairly well-off) father is choosing to stay miles away from my wedding venue purely to save money and I’m a bit peeved about it!

Ambydex · 28/08/2019 22:02

These things are really awkward. Yes it's bad behaviour and not well handled on their part but OTOH I really dislike this thing of B&Gs "reselling" rooms to guests, who usually feel obliged to stump up more than they'd otherwise be paying.

Maybe offer them a price match and swallow the £100 loss.

Ginger1982 · 28/08/2019 22:03

It's a bit shitty that she is hiding behind her DH!

NoSquirrels · 28/08/2019 22:04

As a guest it’s rather irritating to have someone beg you to stay at the venue and stump up £X when you know the alternative is that they just have to cover it themselves!

The OP wasn’t begging them, though - just giving them first refusal.

And if they’d said no, the alternative wasn’t that the bride & groom would have to pay, as there were others who would have had the room. The OP made that crystal clear to them, including a date when they’d need to know by - and they agreed they “definitely” would take the room. And apparently the DH was consulted in the decision too, so can’t be that he was unaware!

In my view it’s equivalent to accepting an invite and then getting a better offer. They basically took the option of the hotel for the night of the wedding until they could be arsed to sort a better value offer. Poor form.

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