Should they pay?

[wedmin]

We are getting married in a few weeks and have to take all the rooms at the venue in the night of the wedding. It's a beautiful hotel so I offered the rooms to close family and the bridal party before offering them to other guests. Most of the bridal party said yes, one said no as they live near by, absolutely fine.

A few weeks ago I sent the details around including amount and bank details. One of my bridesmaids said she'd speak to her husband and let me know, I replied saying that was fine, let me know by X date as I have someone else who will take it if not (DH's parents friends who had asked if there was space). I followed up with her a few days later and she confirmed they 'definitely wanted it'. We let DH's parents friends know there wasn't a room available and they booked somewhere else.

Her husband messaged me this morning saying he's booked somewhere else (£100 cheaper) so didn't need the room. I explained that it was too late as we couldn't give it to someone else now and we would have to pay if he didn't. He's just saying the venue should let us cancel (they won't, we have to take the whole hotel) and acknowledging it's their fault but hasn't offered to pay for it. She hasn't said anything!

AIBU to insist they pay? I'm so upset and can't understand why they would think this is acceptable behaviour, or why her husband is messaging me. She is a long standing, close friend so I'm really hurt.

Just for information, their daughter (my god daughter) is also one of my flower girls and I have paid everything for both of their outfits, right down to the socks and shoes, so it's not like I've put them out of pocket in any way.

You should have asked people who wanted to book rooms to pay upfront. That was your mistake. Send email around all wedding guest stating parents of flower girl booked room with you but now decided at last minute they don't want it so do any other guest still need accomodation as you have to pay for it.

I'm wondering if it was made clear at the outset that they were expected to pay for it - or if they backed out when OP surprised them with the nightly tarriff. To have found a nearby hotel at £100 per night cheaper suggests very big bucks.

They probably didn't realise that you would have to pay, have booked the other place with no cancellations and paid for it meaning they are trying not to lose both sets of hotel payment.

Morally yes, they should pay. I would genuinely consider whether the 100 is worth your friendship as I don't think you will get it but I do think you should talk to them again and clearly say what the issues are.

When a very close relative of DPs got married they had to book all the rooms. The price of the rooms was stated on the invite. It was quite expensive and most people booked the generic cheap hotel across the road. Those who had booked the wedding hotel got regular updates that as there weren't as many rooms booked as expected, the cost had now gone up to x. And again as more dropped out. They had obviously divided the room cost by guest and then expected guests to cover costs regardless. There was quite a to do about expectations.

I would disinvite the fuckers. Friends don’t pull this shit.

Hmm, seems to me what's likely happened is that friend / bridesmaid said she wanted room but didn’t communicate to her H how much it cost until recently. At which point, after his jaw hit the floor, he googled, discovered they would be paying 100 squid more than other accom and has decided to let you know they no longer want the room (perhaps assuming similar cancellation policies to many hotels) possibly against friend's wishes. They may have had a massive row. They may have money worries you don't know about - no-one knows about anyone elses finances. Maybe they have a massive debt they're trying to pay off. So before you start demanding payment maybe have a quiet, non confrontational chat with your friend and find out what's really going on. If you really are good friends, that's what I'd do.

Meanwhile, an email seeing if anyone else wants the room would be a good idea as if someone does then the problem is sorted with no need for nastiness.

"Those who had booked the wedding hotel got regular updates that as there weren't as many rooms booked as expected, the cost had now gone up to x. And again as more dropped out*

This happened to me. A room I booked for neice's wedding started at £80 and I ended up paying £110. I had to suck it up. It was causing no end of upset. These bloody wedding packages are just another MLM scam.

NoSquirrels that’s not very explicit. It doesn’t mention anything about cancellations or payment terms or a whole host of other things that are contained in the terms and conditions when you book a room with a hotel. And since with most hotels if you book a room you can cancel at a later date unless it specifically states otherwise on your tariff it’s not an unreasonable assumption for the bridesmaid to have made if she wasn’t told otherwise.

Still not great of them to have said they’d take it, knowing another guest also wanted it, and then backed out later. But not at all clear they would have realised the OP would consider them on the hook for the money if they changed their mind.

Totally unreasonable. They had the choice and they wanted the room so they should be paying for the room.
I think they are acting really unfairly at such short notice.
I also can't believe those saying that you should be paying. I've never heard of the bride and groom paying for accommodation before?? Jeez, weddings are expensive enough already.

@CheeryB I can't believe there are two families that do this. I wonder how many more. It's shocking.

I'm wondering if it was made clear at the outset that they were expected to pay for it - or if they backed out when OP surprised them with the nightly tarriff.

@CheeryB you're clearly clutching at straws and being deliberately obtuse as the OP clearly states in their opening post (so not even an update that could have been missed) A few weeks ago I sent the details around including amount and bank details. One of my bridesmaids said she'd speak to her husband and let me know

So the OP made it clear that the rooms were available at £X and the friend agreed to take the room after speaking with her husband, knowing the price at the beginning of the agreement.

OP YANBU I attended my brothers wedding a couple of weeks ago, it was in a hotel in our hometown, no more than 10 minutes drive from 95% of the guests homes and still a large proportion of us stayed the night at the hotel.

Fortunately as it was a large venue the bride and groom didn't have to book all the rooms but a certain number are included in the package. For the package they booked they had 15 rooms included. The bridal party, groom and groomsmen, my parents, the brides parents, me and my siblings and the bride's brother only took up 10 rooms so 5 rooms were left.

All guests had the opportunity to book rooms at a discounted "wedding rate" but to prevent dramas if certain family/friends or one side were offered the "free" rooms over others (my family is v. large whereas the bride's family is fairly small) the bride and groom simply told family members "You can book with the hotel and use the code "XWedding" to get our wedding rate of £X, but we have 5 rooms already booked at £X rate that are going spare so before you book, let us know and if those rooms are still free then you are welcome to it at £X"

If nobody took them up on the offer then they were happy to eat the cost as it was all part of the package cost, but no guest (that i spoke to at least) had any issue with them making those "free" rooms available for their guests after the wedding party was accommodated. That way guests had somewhere to stay, were not paying any more than those who booked direct, and the hotel didn't have rooms sitting empty while potentially having to turn away other guests bookings because they were fully booked (there were two weddings in the venue that day so between both wedding parties and guests from both events the venue was sold out that night)

It can't believe there are two families that do this. I wonder how many more. It's shocking
😁

Ineedacupofteadesperately I think you are spot on there.

their daughter (my god daughter) is also one of my flower girls and I have paid everything for both of their outfits, right down to the socks and shoes, so it's not like I've put them out of pocket in any way
This is irrelevant. You wanted her as FG, you pay for the outfit.

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She is they can cancel their room and offer them the room in your hotel for the same price

No point in falling out and you are meeting them half way and only losing £100 but see it as contributing as a nice place for them to stay

I assume it includes breakfast etc so nice to cover that for them as they have such roles at the wedding

Your friend prob feels awkward as fuck as her husband is now insisting it's too much just to literally sleep for the night

@CheeryB Someone else has missed out on being able to stay at the venue, because of BM and her dh’s cheeky fuckery! It was made explicitly clear about costs etc and they still stated they wanted the room! Maybe you wouldn’t charge for the rooms, but they have and it is up to them.

Op to be honest I would give them one more chance too pay for the room they reserved. If they said no, I would email other guests asking if anyone wished the room and if anyone (who would fit ex. bm’s dress) wishes to be a bridesmaid!

Woah, do we think the OP will have a nice day with a random in an ill fitting bridesmaids dress, having cruelly shattered the dreams of a small child, excited to be a flower girl, who played no part in her parents (possibly just Dad's) decision to save £100?

The question really is, does your friendship mean more to you than £100? Personally, if I was paying for an expensive wedding (in which probably £100 is relatively small change) and this happened I'd be the bigger person, assume some financial hardship had befallen my very good friend and pay the difference (by being so generous the H may actually see they've been a bit U and pay anyway).

This whole situation is because of venues doing this ridiculous grabby thing of subsidising wedding cost with rooms. The wedding should cost a certain amount and if that includes "free rooms" then fine. There is pressure for guests to pay over the odds in these situations - and sometimes no other rooms very nearby - and it is hard to say no, and if you're not well off that 100 could mean a lot (clubs for the kids, shoes etc). It really taints what is supposed to be a lovely celebration.

They (possibly just the H) have been a bit U but if you want a stress free wedding being U back doesn't seem the best move.

And if the 100 is really a big deal, ask the venue if you can scale back by a few bottles of booze, to save the 100 since it's their room policy that caused all this.

Omg OP, I'm COMPLETELY with you and can't believe anyone is supporting the other couple here. Or the PP calling you a CF - what the F, that is such a bizarre POV! You offered, and they said yes. Of course they shouldn't bail two weeks before the event. It's really unfair.

What I've learnt from personal experience (of attending weddings) is that it's a total minefield, and otherwise reasonable people sometimes hold very odd and very unreasonable views on what's fair. I probably wouldn't fall out with your friend over this, but it's worth messaging both her and her husband to make it clear you'd be out of pocket if they decide to bail, and see what SHE says. I'd also offer the room to your parents' friends, and if they don't want it, to a wider group. I hope someone takes it.

you still have a few weeks, I'd send a message around to the friends of your parents and older relatives, saying a room is now available in hotel if anyone wants it let you know, if they have bookings in b&b these can be cancelled, often older guests like to be able to just go upstairs to their room, or people with kids (ironically) and will be able to change their plans.

I think these sort of deals with hotels that you must take all the rooms put pressure on family members to use the rooms. Perhaps they felt that they should say yes, then thought no, we can get somewhere cheaper elsewhere. We know of a couple having the sane quandary....bride has secured them a room, they'd rather go somewhere cheaper but feel bad bride will be left with the cost, but they never wanted her to reserve rooms for them in the first place. The whole things a minefield.

I'd probably reply with something like "You didn't need to worry about that. You've already got a room booked at the for the £250 Mrs X agreed too months ago. It would be daft to have two rooms - unless you're trying to say that you're shafting us for £250 a week before my wedding? That doesn't like like something Mrs X would do"

"When there's a premier Inn 7 minutes away. (There always is!)"

Not always and if it's a Friday or Saturday, they are a lot more to book than the B&Bs the OP said had been booked. You get a bit sick of the PI and they are always too hot for me.

If you're in a couple with separate finances. Take off the taxi money and it's about £40 each for the convenience of staying at the venue. Well worth it if you like a drink and to freshen up (although i know even showering once a day on MN is seen as indulgent).

But that's beside the point.

You don't agree to something, confirm it again and then back out two weeks before.

To cut my losses though, I'd offer her the room for the price she is paying, as long as they don't tell anyone, because that would cause ruptures.

@wedmin this is really shoddy behaviour on the part of your bridesmaid/her DH but sadly I think you need to accept it and write the cost off. Try to mentally draw a line under it so that it doesn't taint the day.

When DH and I were planning our wedding, we really loved a venue with the same set-up as yours but I just didn't want the aggro or hassle of exactly this type of situation, because I KNEW it would happen! Weddings really do bring out the best and worst in people.

One of life's lessons, I guess - people aren't always upfront and reliable.

redpanda you are wise! I can see both sides to be honest and agree this sort of set up is almost inevitably going to cause aggravation - even if only annoying guests who feel they are being pressured into too expensive accommodation that they maybe can't really afford. Good reason to avoid a venue IMO

The venue is really telling you the cost is X when in fact it's X plus 2/3k and you're expected to persuade your guests to pay over the odds and in addition to organising a wedding act as hotel booking service. The truth is the bride and groom (possibly their parents) agree with the venue to pay X plus 2/3k. The guests may agree to paying a certain price but they don't have a contract and, if not clued up to this kind of practice, most people would assume you CAN cancel 2 weeks before.

Last wedding I went to I was offered a special wedding rate (non-refundable / non cancellable) only to discover rooms cheaper through booking.com which could be cancelled up to 24 hours before (which is essential when you have small children who are prone to sickness!)