Should they pay?

[wedmin]

We are getting married in a few weeks and have to take all the rooms at the venue in the night of the wedding. It's a beautiful hotel so I offered the rooms to close family and the bridal party before offering them to other guests. Most of the bridal party said yes, one said no as they live near by, absolutely fine.

A few weeks ago I sent the details around including amount and bank details. One of my bridesmaids said she'd speak to her husband and let me know, I replied saying that was fine, let me know by X date as I have someone else who will take it if not (DH's parents friends who had asked if there was space). I followed up with her a few days later and she confirmed they 'definitely wanted it'. We let DH's parents friends know there wasn't a room available and they booked somewhere else.

Her husband messaged me this morning saying he's booked somewhere else (£100 cheaper) so didn't need the room. I explained that it was too late as we couldn't give it to someone else now and we would have to pay if he didn't. He's just saying the venue should let us cancel (they won't, we have to take the whole hotel) and acknowledging it's their fault but hasn't offered to pay for it. She hasn't said anything!

AIBU to insist they pay? I'm so upset and can't understand why they would think this is acceptable behaviour, or why her husband is messaging me. She is a long standing, close friend so I'm really hurt.

Just for information, their daughter (my god daughter) is also one of my flower girls and I have paid everything for both of their outfits, right down to the socks and shoes, so it's not like I've put them out of pocket in any way.

*to find their wedding venue

FFS to FUND their wedding venue

I'm with SleepWarrior on this, people will screw you over time and time again when they haven't stumped up the money early on in the piece.

It is appalling two weeks out from the wedding your friend's husband has advised they won't be taking the room his wife agreed upon. It's unnecessary stress and cost for you for what is supposed to be your happy occasion. Whatever you do now in regard to your friend and daughter, this memory is going to stay with you forever and I suspect will affect your friendship from here on in.

I think the best thing is to call your friend when you know her Hubby is out (work?) and put it on the table to her the position they have left you in. From that, you will gauge from her reaction how much of a friend she really is.

Honestly, the fact that YOU entered into a contract with the hotel to book all the rooms is not really their problem.

This is a ridiculously threadbare argument. THEY entered into a contract with the bride to take the room.

If you're offered a room at the wedding venue and don't want it.... just politely decline. It's really quite simple

I wouldn't charge someone to stay at my wedding venue to subsidise the cost of my wedding. Especially my bridesmaid. I can't really get past that.

I wouldn't charge someone to stay at my wedding venue to subsidise the cost of my wedding. Especially my bridesmaid. I can't really get past that.

If you can’t get part your own opinion on this, then you can’t really help the OP, as the dilemma is relevant to what was agreed by the guest, not whether it’s reasonable to charge for hotel rooms!

“There have been CFs on MN who expect others to find their wedding venue but I don’t think OP is one.”

If you book a boutique hotel on an exclusive basis then have some of your guests pay for rooms then yes, you are getting your guests to subsidize your wedding. However willingly some of your friends do so. And when you go that route you put yourself in the position of not only being a bride inviting people to a wedding but also of being a middleman in the sale of those hotel rooms, which changes the nature of your relationship with your guests. If you don’t obligate yourself to sell on those hotel rooms you don’t put yourself in the position of arguing over what the terms and conditions of the room “sale” were with your guests. In this case, unless the OP was very explicit (which tends not to happen in these sorts of cases, the bridesmaid and partner might not actually have realised when the said yes that they could put her out of pocket further down the line if they pulled out. They might have thought they were getting first dibs on a room in the hotel and turning it down later wouldn’t leave anyone out of pocket.

I could have written this post myself!! My chief bridesmaid did this to me a week before the wedding! I had turned away 3 lots of people who wanted a room.

I was fuming, she said she couldn't afford it. Fair enough but surely you would have known 6 weeks ago you couldn't afford it? She even when saying she wanted a room requested she have a larger room with room for travel cot etc.

We fell out big time. By some grace of God, there was a guest who last minute wanted a room and saved us having to pay for the room.

YANBU . She committed. They should either find a replacement for you or pay.

YANBU
And some people on Mumsnet really don't understand the situation.
Money aside, most people would much rather have a room at the wedding venue, it gives you the option to call it a night when you want to, to leave a change of clothes/shoes, and saves getting a cab/public transport at the end of the night. Usually wedding venue hotel rooms are sought after and there aren't enough to go round.

@CheeryB we haven't tried to sell anyone anything! There's 15 rooms and 140 guests, we definitely didn't need to push people in to booking them. It wouldn't have mattered at all if she says no.

Side note - our venue was no where near anyone's home so most people stayed. On my invites I stated cheaper places to stay and gave their contact details. Also we only charged the rooms out at £120 for the room including breakfast, normally they go for £300+ a night. So we didn't rip anyone off.

They maybe couldn't afford it and the husband is putting his foot down. They shouldn't pay...

Bridal party shouldn't have to pay for anything. YOU'VE asked them to be a part of your day... why should they shell out. We paid for everything at ours.

YABU!!!! Your friend was just probably too embarrassed. Who asks the bridal party to pay for their own accommodation?! BAD etiquette!!!!

I think it’s really rude to hire a venue exclusively then sell rooms to guests to recoup some of the wedding costs. I’d have stayed elsewhere on principle.

In this case, unless the OP was very explicit (which tends not to happen in these sorts of cases, the bridesmaid and partner might not actually have realised when the said yes that they could put her out of pocket further down the line if they pulled out.

Read the OP again. She was explicit- with a price list AND a deadline AND checked again AND was explicit someone else wanted the room if they did not.

They committed with all the details then reneged. Doesn’t sound at all like a misunderstanding.

Alot of venues now, will bundle the rooms in with ANY of their packages. As they can't sell to the public if there is a huge wedding going on downstairs. It makes business sense.

I find it a relief if I can stay at the venue and would certainly not expect the bride and groom to pay for MY hotel room for the night and my breakfast the next day. After they had probably spent £80 a head on us anyway.

Imagine if the rooms were free? It would be a nightmare trying to allocate them .

We paid for our parents rooms, and our best man's / my sister's room. The rest were given the option if they wanted a room at a reasonable rate and our hands were snapped off and I had to turn people away. (bar the whole bridesmaid incident)

Read the OP again. She was explicit- with a price list AND a deadline.

I've read it over a couple of times. Still tacky and classless to sell hotel rooms to guests to subsidise your wedding, even if they're (as it appears in this case) falling over themselves to fork out. When there's a premier Inn 7 minutes away. (There always is!) If there are people champing at the bit to have the room - why don't they?

If there are people champing at the bit to have the room - why don't they?

Because someone else has reserved it, because they “definitely” want it and then don’t pay

Upon reading MN wedding threads there’s basically no sort of wedding that won’t cause people to complain about something that’s not to their personal standards or internal code. Get married in a hotel and offer rooms to guests - outrage! Get married in a field - so inconsiderate being in the middle of nowhere and what about my high heels? Get married abroad - triple outrage! Elope - won’t someone think of their family and friends?

Wonder anyone bothers trying to celebrate at all, frankly.

YANBU. It's rude of your friend (so close you chose her as your bridesmaid) to hide behind her husband and let him be the big bad wolf.

Personally I would say something along the lines of - if they don't want the room, THEY will need to find someone to fill it but say they owe the money which is due now and give a deadline of midday tomorrow.

If you were really determined, you could return the stress/favour even more by passing their contact number over to the hotel (telling your bridesmaid that's what you are doing) and asking for the hotel to liaise directly with your bridesmaid for payments.

That leaves you to focus on your big day.

Did you make it crystal clear that you would need to pay for their room at the time they committed to it and they couldn’t unhook it. Most hotel rooms you can unbook so maybe they think you can just tell the venue you don’t want the room now.

,Wonder anyone bothers trying to celebrate at all, frankly
I think you're absolutely right. We all look at things from our own frame of reference. In this particular instance I can't imagine booking a venue which had to include all bedrooms, and then try to claw some cash back from my guests. As a host, I wouldn't book a venue I couldn't afford. It would embarrass me to try to flog the rooms off.
I'm not well off financially, but I have standards. I'd plan the event within my means, and give due consideration to the means of my guests.

Personally I would say something along the lines of - if they don't want the room, THEY will need to find someone to fill it but say they owe the money which is due now and give a deadline of midday tomorrow
Because that will make everything so much more relaxed in the lead up to the wedding.

If you were really determined, you could return the stress/favour even more by passing their contact number over to the hotel (telling your bridesmaid that's what you are doing) and asking for the hotel to liaise directly with your bridesmaid for payments

That wouldn't carry any weight. They didn't book the rooms. It's part of the wedding package.

£100 diff. Wow

How much. Is a room at your wedding hotel

Yes tech they should pay as they said they wanted it and you could have filled it

But they prob won’t

@Cheeryb it does sound like you’re deliberately missing the point just to be contrary.

You can’t make them pay, so you either suck it up or lose the friendship, that’s your call