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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should they pay?

102 replies

wedmin · 28/08/2019 20:53

We are getting married in a few weeks and have to take all the rooms at the venue in the night of the wedding. It's a beautiful hotel so I offered the rooms to close family and the bridal party before offering them to other guests. Most of the bridal party said yes, one said no as they live near by, absolutely fine.

A few weeks ago I sent the details around including amount and bank details. One of my bridesmaids said she'd speak to her husband and let me know, I replied saying that was fine, let me know by X date as I have someone else who will take it if not (DH's parents friends who had asked if there was space). I followed up with her a few days later and she confirmed they 'definitely wanted it'. We let DH's parents friends know there wasn't a room available and they booked somewhere else.

Her husband messaged me this morning saying he's booked somewhere else (£100 cheaper) so didn't need the room. I explained that it was too late as we couldn't give it to someone else now and we would have to pay if he didn't. He's just saying the venue should let us cancel (they won't, we have to take the whole hotel) and acknowledging it's their fault but hasn't offered to pay for it. She hasn't said anything!

AIBU to insist they pay? I'm so upset and can't understand why they would think this is acceptable behaviour, or why her husband is messaging me. She is a long standing, close friend so I'm really hurt.

Just for information, their daughter (my god daughter) is also one of my flower girls and I have paid everything for both of their outfits, right down to the socks and shoes, so it's not like I've put them out of pocket in any way.

OP posts:

Ambydex · 28/08/2019 22:09

Also I'm afraid as she is your bridesmaid and her DD is your flowergirl, you absolutely can't insist they stump up for 2 hotel rooms. That would be really, really rude. You paying for the flowergirl's dress doesn't make it ok. Your friend is still spending money and time to be there, paying accommodation and a gift, probably drinks on the night, hen night etc and time in supporting you. Appreciate what she is giving to you and let the hotel room go.

elvis86 · 28/08/2019 22:16

Can't believe anyone is defending the
OP's friend?!

Even if it was £1000 for a night in a Travelodge, nobody was insisting the friend took the room! She was offered the room and accepted, and furthermore she confirmed when asked if she was sure at a later date.

It's totally shitty to then go about looking for and booking somewhere different, and cowardly to get her husband to tell the OP (assuming she's the OP's friend).

I think you need to hope someone else takes the room or swallow it, OP. I wouldn't raise it with them for fear of it ruining your wedding. But I'd probably tell her exactly how you felt after the event.

Singinginshower · 28/08/2019 22:17

I think price matching is a good idea

CheeryB · 28/08/2019 22:19

My daughter is getting married next weekend at a venue that includes 16 rooms in the 'deal'. She is paying for it and has allocated rooms to close friends and wedding party. No way would she ask them to pay for it.

CheeryB · 28/08/2019 22:25

,AIBU to insist they pay? I'm so upset and can't understand why they would think this is acceptable behaviour

I think YABU. It's your wedding, at an expensive venue. She's your bridesmaid. You should pay.

ASandwichNamedKevin · 28/08/2019 22:25

This is really shitty behaviour from them, and cowardly getting her DH to text you. I'd screenshot the messages back to them and say you could have had the room filled if they'd said no at the time.

I know rooms at hotels where it's all booked for a wedding can be expensive but I'd always pay it given the chance to not have to worry about getting home later after rather a few drinks and to be able to go to my room to touch up make up/change into comfy shoes/loosen corset/once indulged in some romantic activity with DH!

BoomBoomsCousin · 28/08/2019 22:26

I think charging your guests to stay at your wedding venue is pretty crap. You’re effectively getting them to subsidise your wedding and that’s kind of crass. Nevertheless, having said they would take the room they shouldn’t be backing out. It’s difficult for them though, they get put in the spot, no doubt feel an obligation and probably end up second guessing themselves when they tot up how much money they are spending to see you get married.

I get why you’re annoyed, but I don’t think it’s helpful to pursue this. Let it go and see if any of your other guests would like the opportunity.

CheeryB · 28/08/2019 22:28

Why should they have to suffer financial loss because of your choice of venue? I wouldn't have asked her to pay in the first place.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/08/2019 22:28

The people defending this couple - how do you justify their insistence they wanted it in, even when someone else could have taken it?

elvis86 · 28/08/2019 22:29

Some people on Mumsnet are so fucking tight! Actually makes me cringe.

Bibijayne · 28/08/2019 22:34

YANBU. I'd message saying you're now out of pocket by £X and you had to say no to other people who wanted the room because they said they wanted it.

CheeryB · 28/08/2019 22:34

"The people defending this couple - how do you justify their insistence they wanted it in, even when someone else could have taken it?*

I want you to be my bridesmaid, and you can stay overnight for £200 . That is majorly cheeky fucker

Hello1231 · 28/08/2019 22:38

Is she normally like this? It's hard to tell whether she is getting him to tell you to try and avoid drama, or if he is dictating where they stay and she's refused to be the one to tell you. I can see how it's annoying and they should pay, although not sure if you can make them. Is there definitely no one else who might want to stay? Rather than the room go to waste, can the friends who found somewhere else cancel their hotel? The bridesmaid who lives nearby stay?

Cassilis · 28/08/2019 22:39

@Cheeryb the hint is in the room being ‘offered’ to family and friends. No one told them that you have to book a room to be a guest or bridesmaid!

Ginger1982 · 28/08/2019 22:39

When I got married the venue asked if we wanted to reserve all the rooms and get them filled. Initially we said yes but it became too problematic so we released them all and told guests that if they wanted to book a room there then there were x number of rooms and first come first served. I wouldn't have paid for them all to stay though and have never expected a bride and groom to pay for me to stay at their wedding either.

CheeryB · 28/08/2019 22:40

I think it's cheeky to invite someone to your event and expect them to be hugely out of pocket.

elvis86 · 28/08/2019 22:44

CheeryB, that wasn't what happened though was it?

It was "Rooms are available at £X if you'd like one? No worries if not".

Totally fine to decline the offer if they couldn't afford it or if they just didn't want to spend that much on accomodation.

Not fine and really shitty to say that they'd like a room, to confirm that they still wanted a room when later asked to confirm, and then to drop out at the eleventh hour and cause stress and expense for friends in the lead up to their wedding.

Aridane · 28/08/2019 22:45

I realise I just don't understand wedding etiquette and practice.

CheeryB · 28/08/2019 22:46

@Cheeryb the hint is in the room being ‘offered’ to family and friends. No one told them that you have to book a room to be a guest or bridesmaid!

Fair comment. But we weren't there to hear how it was discussed. I know how this stuff works and I think it all quite tasteless. Accommodate your guests, or don't. But don't try to 'sell' them rooms. Like you're doing them a favour.

SleepWarrior · 28/08/2019 22:46

I think they are utterly in the wrong BUT would take the hit personally as I think you made a slight mistake in the handling of it:

People consistently (but wrongly) view these things where they say yes but don't pay for ages as not a proper commitment. I think in hindsight you should have said "if you want the room then pay within the next 2 days or it will go to the next guest in line".

I've been screwed over in a similar manner when organising a minibus. Cost to be divided by number of people coming, everyone agreed and happy that it would be somewhere around £20 each. Then they dropped out one by one leaving me to stump a £300 bill. I realised after much gnashing of teeth that this is just what people do when they haven't had to part with money yet. The trick is to make them pay at the point they agree, then any ducking out is on them and not you.

Aridane · 28/08/2019 22:46

Oh and don't price match - makes you sound desperate or like some market trader / John Lewis never knowingly undersold

Bluntness100 · 28/08/2019 22:47

I'm also shocked anyone is defending the friend.

They committed to the room. No one forced their hand, they could have said no and someone else would have taken it. You don't commit and then back out and stick your mate with the cost. Doesn't matter if it's a wedding, holiday, whatever.

Op, I'd disinvite them from the wedding. Simply text and say you committed to the room and the cost needs to be paid. Either pay what you owe or don't bother coming to the wedding.

And you know why he's texting you and not her. He is rhe one doing this to you.

Bluntness100 · 28/08/2019 22:49

Cheery, are you in a different thread or something, there was no expectation to take the room, they could have stayed where ever they wished,

elvis86 · 28/08/2019 22:49

CheeryB it sounds like you'd misinterpret an offer as an instruction or expectation.

What's made you so suspicious? Lol.

If you're offered a room at the wedding venue and don't want it.... just politely decline. It's really quite simple.

Cassilis · 28/08/2019 22:51

@Cheeryb for our wedding we actually did pay for accommodation for family that travelled 4+ hours at a cost of £100 per room, which cost us £1500 but I don’t think OP is BU at all. Sounds like she has plenty of people wanting to stay.

There have been CFs on MN who expect others to find their wedding venue but I don’t think OP is one.

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