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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

People with experience living abroad

125 replies

FloatingObject · 28/08/2019 17:16

Whether British in another country, or from another country living in the UK....

Do you/did you ever get homesick? What for? Have you considered moving back to the UK? If you moved back to the UK, do you regret it at all?

I'm asking because I feel unsure what to do with Brexit looming. I really miss the UK and want to come back. On the other hand I'm worried that doing so will remove any chance of residency permits/nationality I could potentially get here (EU) - and what if I'm just romanticising the UK? Would like to read your thoughts, whatever your perspective. The going back and forth in my head is really grinding me down. My heart tells me to go home but my head is telling me I could regret it.

OP posts:
mbosnz · 28/08/2019 17:21

Chortles manically. . . Do I ever get homesick? Mate, it's a permanent dull ache.

We hope to move back home eventually, but it's not certain, and it wouldn't be for years and years, until the girls' schooling is complete.

Living in the middle of the nightmare shitshow that is Brexit is not fun, either.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 28/08/2019 17:22

Currently on the boat home from 4 years living abroad. 2 years in one country, then 2 years in another. Difference was this was always time limited, the jobs (DHs) were both two years long.
I had the odd bit of homesickness... But these last few months, knowing we were coming 'home', I really started pining for it. Silly things like British bacon and a takeaway curry.

I think the decision whether to move back is really personal. We would happily take another foreign posting, but for now UK is where we want to be.

Original poster
FloatingObject · 28/08/2019 17:24

mbosnz Whereabouts are you?

OP posts:
Asta19 · 28/08/2019 17:25

So difficult to answer. It very much depends where you are. Economic factors, family and support networks etc. I do think the UK is in a mess and it won’t get better anytime soon so yes a lot of places will be better than here! I have actively encouraged my adult DC to move abroad, ones gone already, the other plans to over the next 2 years. I feel it’s a bit late for me but I don’t want them suffering here just for my sake. Their future prospects are so much better in their chosen countries. I’ve spent periods of time out of the UK, longer than holidays but not long term, and it depresses me coming back to be quite honest.

hedgehoglurker · 28/08/2019 17:27

I came home from a large, wealthy non-EU country before the Brexit vote. (I voted Remain). I don't regret it, as the other country has its issues too. My children are my priority and overall, I feel they are "safer" here. Better the devil you know...

mbosnz · 28/08/2019 17:27

I'm in the UK, shifted here a year ago yesterday, from NZ.

There's a lot to like about the UK, there really is - some lovely people, we're in a beautiful part of the country, we love going to London for a day trip, the history, the culture, the concerts, the galleries, fabulous riding school, awesome ballet school, NHS has been great, my girls are a great fit in the school they're in, excelling and thriving.

Great work opportunities for ibos.

But this little kiwi remains at heart a flightless bird. . .

Original poster
FloatingObject · 28/08/2019 17:28

Asta19 It really depends how you define "better" though. Lots of places you can have much better living standards, your general quality of life is massively improved compared to the UK. I know moving back to the UK would definitely be a blow in that sense. But to be honest it's the people I miss. And not just friends and family, just people generally.

OP posts:
lovemenorca · 28/08/2019 17:29

*Living in the middle of the nightmare shitshow that is Brexit is not fun, either.
Might seem that way from the news

But trust me... on a day to day, week to week - it’s not making the slightest difference to the vast majority of people’s lives

mbosnz · 28/08/2019 17:29

Is it the just easily fitting in, knowing the in-jokes, how people behave, expect you to behave, having the same cultural references? Hearing the similar accents - around you, and on the TV and the radio?

mbosnz · 28/08/2019 17:30

But trust me... on a day to day, week to week - it’s not making the slightest difference to the vast majority of people’s lives

And I hope like hell that this may long continue. . . however, believing that is a significant exercise of hope and faith at the moment! Smile

Original poster
FloatingObject · 28/08/2019 17:32

mbosnz Completely. That's exactly it. And also this strange feeling of being unquestionably on the inside, rather than on the outside looking in, no matter how well integrated you are. Do you know what I mean?!

OP posts:
mbosnz · 28/08/2019 17:33

I really, really do. 'tisn't easy.

Outtheforest · 28/08/2019 17:34

I dont miss the UK as a whole as I know I have a better life here, we earn more money and will be able to raise any kids with alot more opportunities than if we had stayed in the UK. What I do miss is people, I miss having family near by and friends who've I've known my whole life. Yes you make new friends but it's not quite the same. I also miss everyday interactions bumping into acquaintances, telling someone you love their dress at the coffe shop, chat to a taxi driver etc. Although I'm hoping as my language skills improve this will ease.

mbosnz · 28/08/2019 17:34

Part of the 'we', rather than the 'they' - who are welcomed or tolerated, but not unquestionably belonging.

wineymummy · 28/08/2019 17:37

Lived and worked in NZ for 2 years. Came home because we just felt too far from friends and family. We always pine to go back, but no, essentially we don't regret it. I would definitely consider moving back when my kids are grown up (if they would have me.) I do wish we'd stayed long enough to gain residency.

ComeOnGordon · 28/08/2019 17:38

I miss friends and family and Indian curry but I’ve been away from the UK for 10 years and homesickness definitely ebbs and flows.
I think modern technology means I don’t feel that far away from people - I can video chat with them and text lots.
What would stress me out about living in the UK now would be the NHS - I’m used to a much better level of healthcare now and think I would be very frustrated if I went back

T0getherindreams · 28/08/2019 17:39

I have lived in the far east for a decade, been back "home" for almost five years.

TBH it's not what I thought it would be. The UK is no longer a nice place to live. I had forgotten just how (I know I'llget flamed for saying this) horrible people are, unfriendly, angry, impatient. There is little joy I think. Work places are awful, and people seem to revel in others failures.

Also, I hate, hate, hate the attitude society here has towards men. It's just toxic, no wonder there is such a high suicide rate. Society here is broken. I will be moving back Asia in the next few years, It was a mistake to come back. You don't really see how fucked up and horrible the UK has become unless you spend time away from it all.

Brexit will end the UK. Maybe that's a good thing . .who knows.

leomama81 · 28/08/2019 17:40

Totally understand everything you are saying OP. I came home last autumn from a very lovely country that I loved in many ways and had always planned to make my home (after living overseas in various places).

Yes not everything is great and I miss some things about being away and there is the odd day (usually in the depth of winter) I wonder why I came back - but ultimately I know why, because I was homesick, because the people I care about most in the world are here, and the reasons why I wanted to be elsewhere just weren't enough. Yes Brexit is a shitshow (and I think it does affect things on a day to day actually, it's kind of this maddening, depressing, neverending national argument) but I think I would rather be here experiencing it than being somewhere I am less invested.

The way I saw it in the end was that if the Uk wasn't my home, it probably wouldn't be where I choose to live - but it is my home.

user1497997754 · 28/08/2019 17:47

We are buying a house in Crete and intend to move out next year. It will be for 10/15 years I hope but we intend to come back to our house in the UK when we are in our 70's as the place we live in the UK will be fantastic for us when we are in this age group. We are making the move now because we are healthy and not to old to enjoy all the wonderful weather, history and alternative life if we leave it to long then it maybe to late

IWouldPreferNotTo · 28/08/2019 17:52

Currently living in an EU country with my wife who is from there. Brexit is a worry, we have no idea what it will do. Homesick, yes a little bit due to the language barrier.

However, it's worth it. We live in the countryside eating fruit, veg and meat from the family farm. We save nearly 80% of my net salary ready for moving back to the UK

makingmammaries · 28/08/2019 17:53

I’ve been in France for 14 years; lived in other countries for several years before that. I certainly don’t feel that France is my country, but at this point it’s my home, and I have absolutely zero intention of returning to the UK, the daily incivilities, the NHS and don’t even get me started on Brexit.

Myriade · 28/08/2019 18:06

It is ALWAYS hard to come back to your home country.
Things will have changed whilst you are away (more or less depending on how you've been away) but more importantly, you willhavelearnt new ways to approach things, new ways to do things, new ways to think.
What used to be obviouly logical and normal wont be anymore. It can be anything from the time the shops are open to the way you are paying for your taxes or how the government is conducing politics.

Plenty of things will make a difference on whether you find it easy/hard or extremely hard. How long you've lived abroad and how integrated in the society you are.

eg: Im an EU citizen living int he UK. married to a brit, dcs born here. After 20 years, I know I would struggle (But i suspect less than living in the UK if all the Brexit shit is going ahead and xenophobia is ramped a knotch or to up).
On the other side, my parents lived in the UK for 10 years before moving back. They kept themselves to themselves, never inetgrated into the society so the shock wasnt big (i include there not speaking the language fluently, having very few friends in the country etc...)

Fwiw i would NOT move back to the UK. The new few months/years will be extremely unstable politically. Its the last place you want to be tbh. Its not just that you will have to deal woth moving 'back home' but that you would have to do so in a very unusual environment, with 'rules' that never applied before and a sense of heightened aggressivity/stress/fer.

scaryteacher · 28/08/2019 18:08

13 years in Belgium. Moving home for good in 6 weeks....very excited underneath all the hassle of moving.

We are moving back to our house, that will we own outright when we get back. Dh is retiring at 58, and this is the next stage of our lives. There is so much I miss, and I'll be closer to my Mum, which is great, as her bad days are getting more frequent. It's easier to help out at 10 minutes away, as opposed to 12 hours.

Myriade · 28/08/2019 18:11

And also this strange feeling of being unquestionably on the inside, rather than on the outside looking in, no matter how well integrated you are. Do you know what I mean?!

My own experience from living abroad (not jut the UK). when you are feeling that much that you are on the outside, then you are not integrated. Regardless of how long you've lived there, it's still not 'home' iyswim.
It is totally possible to feel at home in a foreign country. It takes a few years. And it is easier when people in that country are inclusive, you speak the language fluently. And you are making the effort to understand people/rules.

Unfortunatly, it is also possible to then feel like you dint belong anymore (Thanks TM, Breshit etc...)

Asta19 · 28/08/2019 18:12

For me OP, it also makes a difference whether you have DC or not. When my parents divorced, I was 12, my GP asked my mum to return home (different European country), offered to sort out a flat for us all etc. My mum said no as she loved the Uk. Honestly, we would have been so much better off in my mums home country. We would have had a better standard of living, better opportunities etc. It didn’t work out well for us kids being in the UK. Now you can look at it 2 ways. My mum had a right to live where she wanted, but at the same time, wouldn’t she want the best for her children? If you don’t have DC and you miss the UK that much, then go home. If you do have DC I would look at what’s best for them in all honesty.