To ask if motherhood was anything like you expected?

[mumaw]

I honestly underestimated how difficult motherhood is, it wasn't anything like I expected it to be. I love my DS to bits, but sometimes I yearn for my life before I had him - having a full night's uninterrupted sleep and being able to leave the house quickly etc.

I'm so sleep deprived and a few hours to myself would be absolutely bliss!

Was motherhood anything like you thought it would be?

Yes, much harder than I was expecting. When I was pregnant I worried loads about the birth and less about actually being a parent. That was the wrong way round! The birth was also hard but not in the way I had expected... but it was over in a few hours... parenting goes on and on! That said I sometimes look round in amazement at the child that DS is turning out to be, I generally feel I'm making each day up as I go along but he seems to be coming on in leaps and bounds. He makes me so proud. But I'm constantly exhausted. I enjoy life at a different pace than I did before and I feel like there are constant challenges and that I'm spinning a lot of plates- that something has to give. I think over time we've sort of got into a routine and so it gets easier but the baby days were extremely hard mentally and physically and I really had quite serious mental health difficulties during that time. I'm not sure I could cope with a baby no 2, even if I had a partner and was in a position to consider it.

What about the evenings? If kids go to sleep by 7-8pm why isn't there a few hours there to have adult time and chill?

Big if, for a start We generally have our three down by 8/half 8. Then someone has to cook tea, including prepping meals for the next day (all are pre-school age and need food provided), while the other typically sorts out bags/has a quick tidy/does life admin like shopping, banking etc/puts washing away. Eat tea, clear cooking stuff away, lucky to be done by 10. At which point we need to be in bed because we will be up between 5 and 6 and have yet to have more than about a dozen undisturbed nights since our eldest was born three and a half years ago.

I love being a mum, but I find it hard going. The relentless exhaustion is taking its toll on us and our relationship and I just hope we make it through.

I have teenagers, bring back the toddler years I say

It wasn't like I expected it to be. I'm not the mother I expected to be.

It's more relentless than I ever imagined. It's hard all the time. All. The. Time. But the joy and the highs are more than I ever imagined too. I knew I'd love my child, etc but I truly didn't understand what utterly unconditional love meant until I became a parent.

I didn't realise it would take an hour to leave the house just to buy a pint of milk. But I didn't realise there'd be moments when watching my children laugh and play together would make me so happy I could burst. I knew babies meant sleepless nights, I didn't realise that could last for years. I knew I'd love my baby, even though I generally found them boring. I didn't realise I'd be fascinated watching my baby do nothing!

I thought I'd be a full-time working mum who went for Super Nanny type parenting. I ended up quoting my career, becoming a WAHM and a gentle/attachment/positive parent (who doesn't actually like any of those terms and only realised what they were when someone told me that's what I was doing!).

What about the evenings? If kids go to sleep by 7-8pm why isn't there a few hours there to have adult time and chill?

My DS is a decent sleeper now so I do get time in the evenings which is nice. However the difference is that I'm so much more wiped out after being 'on' all day, plus the bedtime routine, which always makes me sleepy too, yet hating the thought of the tidy up operation awaiting me once he's gone down.

After that, you've always got half an ear out to hear if they're up and your mindful that just because they're alseep now doesn't mean they'll stay that way, so it feels different. Also, you still need to be in the house and responsible so you can't just go out to walk dinner off, or to see a friend or to a late spin class.

I find it better than expected. I was surprised to find that I actually love motherhood. My first slept v well front birth (later less so though...) But my second is a few months old and wakes every 2 hours. So I'm tired but aside from that it's genuinely the best thing I've ever done and I love it.

I thought I'd find it stressful but for the most part it's fine. I've never personally understood what's so difficult about babies, sickness or colicky issues aside. Or how It's hard to leave the house. A few nappies and some wipes in a bag, chuck a babygrow in and that's it isn't It? If goingboitnwith the toddler too, a sippy, pack of raisins and maybe spare pants. But evidently lots of people do find it difficult and they probably find things easy that I struggle with.

All I heard before having a baby was doom and gloom, and how hard a slog it was, but maternity leave genuinely felt like a holiday the first time.

I found it a bit harder than expected with my firstborn when she was a baby and toddler - very intense. On the other hand it was more enjoyable than I expected, especially the baby years and the teen years. My teens have both been really lovely, reasonable people.

The relentless tedium of baby days was hard, pp mentioned life going by for everyone else around them, totally agree. The responsibility, you are always switched on.
Mum guilt sucks.
Although now she's nearly 19 months I look at the baby days with rose tinted specs. I watched 3 films once with her sleeping on me. Three! Like fuck could I do that now! I'm chasing around after her so much.

But now she plays and interacts with me, gives me cheeky grins and hugs which is so lovely.

Yes, it's relentless.

Not just the nights, washing, cooking, cleaning runb, but actually being a pillar of morals, setting a good example can be very wearing.

I found it very different to what I expected and much easier than I thought it was going to be. Although I think that was mainly my parents telling me to never, ever have kids as they ruin your life and get in the way. I was (and am) pleasantly surprised by how much I like having my children around and how much I want to spend time with them. My kids are still little (2 under 2) but I love it and them. Obviously there are hard days and weeks but I love my new Mum life more than I ever thought I would ❤️

Pregnant with my first and threads like this freak me out.

Alice- who said that there should be chill out time in the evenings, sorry I don't know how to quote- I think this was my biggest misconception! Before having dd I thought exactly the same.

Sometimes by the time bedtime is done it's almost 830. Then as someone said all life admin has to fit in somewhere and having a shower. You're so shattered that 10pm is late. I'm lucky to catch 30 minutes of telly in an evening and as for books- haven't picked one up since she was born and she's over 2. I work full time, but term time only, to be honest the working and non working days are just as full on as I have dd all the time when I'm off. I never knew just how much attention she would need. Also thought that after the first few months she'd be sleeping through the night - just when we thought the sleepless nights we over they'd start again. Also breastfeeding, so hard for ages, but so worth it.

LiveInAHidingPlace me too, I might stop reading! Honestly are there no nice things to say about being a parent?

“What about the evenings? If kids go to sleep by 7-8pm why isn't there a few hours there to have adult time and chill?”

I think I thought this before DC!

Lots of babies, toddlers, and older DC don’t sleep at those times.

DC of all ages massively increase domestic work and admin. Unless you SAH or have time in the mornings before work (we don’t as we commute) this all needs to be done in the evenings. (Stuff that can’t be left to weekends). This can be hard to do while DC are up, eg choosing between reading with them at bedtime vs sorting stuff for the next day.

On a normal work/school night, getting in just before 6pm, if I run around and eat with the DC, get them into bed for 8 and 8.45 respectively, by 9pm or 9.15pm everything is done for the next day. Am v lucky to have a cleaner, so this is just cooking, food planning/prep, online shopping, laundry, school and health admin etc.

The DC were recently away for a few days with DH and I was all done by 7pm and had evenings free.

Honestly - the baby & toddler years are a walk in the park compared to the teenage years.

I’ve aged 10 years these last 2 years.

SM has a lot to answer for. I’d go back to the baby sleepless nights tomorrow rather than endure the teenage sleepless nights.

Most people if teens I know say the same.

And you can’t even have a glass of wine half the time as you are picking them up from God knows where at stupid o’clock!

I actually found it much better than I thought! I've discovered I love babies and toddlers. I am not at all looking forward to the teenage years, however, which is going to stop me having too many! The worst part so far has definitely been pregnancy and childbirth.

@LiveInAHidingPlace don't be, there are plenty of positives, as with anything it's easier/more common to point out the negatives. I also think most people who want children expect it to be enjoyable, so they aren't shocked at the bits that are. Everyone's experience is different as well, as our everyone's children; some will find the baby years hardest and some teenage years. Congratulations

The first weeks were so much harder than I imagined. A bit like a train crashing into the middle of our life with chaos and debris left everywhere.

I had imagined the baby sleeping all day, waking for feeds every couple of hours, whipping a boob out and her going back to sleep. I didn’t realise that she just WOULD NOT SLEEP! I spent those first weeks feeling tired, anxious and wondering what on earth I had done. She BF well, but constantly - I had no idea how all consuming this would be. I couldn’t do anything and was pretty much tied to the sofa.

Things got a lot better once we got into a decent routine after moving to formula at 6 weeks, and I learned how to help her settle.

A lot of the time it could still be a bit boring / difficult - she was never a baby who would nap in the car seat whilst I drunk a coffee with a friend - she wanted to be held / roll around on the floor / climb on the table etc.

It all got loads better when she could walk, and even better now she can talk (she’s 2 and 3 months) - this toddler stage is by far the best and easiest bit yet. We can go out for dinner and have a good time, have great conversations and just generally enjoy things together.

I still sometimes yearn for the days when I could do what the hell I liked though. Currently on a UK holiday, pouring with rain yesterday. 3 years ago we would have been cosied up in the pub looking out to sea - we spent yesterday getting soaked at an animal sanctuary! (Still fun though!)

It doesn’t take long at all to leave the house now, and we all get plenty of sleep, so don’t worry, better times are ahead!

First time round I loved it! My PFB was just amazing, I coped ok with the lack of sleep...when he was 15 months old I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant with DS2. Still ds1 was an absolute little angel, such a sweet little toddler.

DS2 was born just before ds1 turned 2...the first 6 months I was so snug, the last 12 have been damn hard! Ds1 turned into a terror, used to bite, run off, run feral! Just hell! I also suspect I had undiagnosed post-natal depression as mentally I was not in a good place at all.

I thought I wanted 3 children but now at 18 months and 3 it's getting easier again. I'm looking forward to them being 3 and 5 if I'm being totally honest!

It's certainly not easy and I'm not the "natural" mother I thought I would be!

I get no family support though and my husband works long hours. Most of my friends have parents who regularly take their grandchildren (or at least one!) overnight.

We’re among the last of our friends to have kids (chronic ditherers ) so we’d seen what others had gone through - the good and bad.

But overall it’s been fantastic and easier than I expected. I wasn’t prepared for how much fun our DS would be from very early on - he’s a total hoot and I just love being in his company.

I don’t underestimate how much it has helped having a DH who works from home. Just having another adult on site, even if he’s behind an office door and on a Very Important Skype call that must not be disturbed...

It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on as well. You’re so tired you think you can’t continue, but somehow you do.

I don't have children - partly because it's never been the right time, I have issues (Endo) and have always been on the fence so never taken the plunge to try. So I find that these threads are always really insightful!

My DH has a brother very close in age and he has two teenage girls. He looks 20 years older than my DH, has gone grey (DH hasn't), always looks tired and is very grumpy. They haven't been on holiday for years.

His girls are absolutely lovely, but it does make me think

The thought of having kids and entering into the drudgery described is really quite frightening.

Not at all like I expected. I didn't really have any young cousins or nieces/nephews growing up so I basically had an image of motherhood tht was gathered from watching TV - so I expected a quiet blob who would sit and occupy itself, probably in another room, while I got on with my life, with me obviously feeding it etc. I thought it would spend a lot of time off camera! With perhaps occasional amusing baby-related shenanigans. I didn't expect life as I knew it to implode or my body never to return to what it was.

I did have a very high-needs baby though.

I found the baby days really tough as my ds was a screamer and would not sleep. Car journeys were horrendous, he would scream if put in his pram, even in the sling... he screamed through every baby class and I had to give up the NCT group meetups because he would scream through those and I felt judged. I only ate food that could be eaten one handed for months as he just wanted to be held all the time.

He is a dream toddler though and I adore being a mum.

Honestly are there no nice things to say about being a parent?

Quite a few people on the thread have said that parenthood, or at least some stages of it, are better than expected.

Motherhood is way harder than I expected but an absolute joy at the same time.
I had ds when I was 22 but he was premature due to me having a life threatening condition and spent 5 weeks in hospital due to life threatening feeding issues which he still has. I've always been around babies so know what I'm doing but having to relearn everything for my son was hard. He has special needs and the days are relentless. Its like trying to parent the tazmainian devil with sensory issues.
We often end up nearly passed out on the sofa by 10pm (once he's asleep) but its worth it for the amazing moments when he achieves something of hugs me and says he loves me. We've lost 2 babies since December 2018 and it just makes him more precious to us