To ask if motherhood was anything like you expected?

[mumaw]

I honestly underestimated how difficult motherhood is, it wasn't anything like I expected it to be. I love my DS to bits, but sometimes I yearn for my life before I had him - having a full night's uninterrupted sleep and being able to leave the house quickly etc.

I'm so sleep deprived and a few hours to myself would be absolutely bliss!

Was motherhood anything like you thought it would be?

I feel like I was prepared for the slog, the relentlessness of it all. In hindsight I felt I bossed the baby years. It's the toddler ones I've found harder.

What I didn't expect or anticipate was how crap my mental health would come as a result. I have become a bit of a shell of the person I was before. The chronic anxiety has really worn me down and I dread some days. I think if my MH had been better (it was fine before being pregnant) I wouldn't feel like such an abject failure, but there we go. I just hope it gets easier.

I found breastfeeding harder than I imagined but the other stuff not as hard as some people said. Maybe im lucky because I have loads of shops and activities on my doorstep but it takes us 15 mins to leave the house. There are things I miss... Actually getting ready and putting make up on for longer than 60 seconds. Going out for a meal with my DP. Having regular massages and self care. I think maybe the pressure you put on yourself is the hardest Oh and of course the sleep deprivation is grim!!

If I'm honest, and this is going to sound like I'm being goady, I dont think it's been that difficult 14 months in. The first few weeks were terrifying and I didnt get "the rush" at birth which I felt guilty and scared about but beyond that and deciding to stop breastfeeding it's been fine. I always wanted to protect ds and loved him but one day few weeks in I realised he was the love of my life and it's a fierce feeling.

It's been a lifestyle change for sure and tantrums and nights with no sleep is rubbish are no fun but I haven't regretted it.

My ds was very sicky up to 6 months but hes always settled in his own cot, in his first year we had a couple of (minor thank goodness) and a overnight hospital stay which I felt sad for him about rather than upset.

I actually think becoming a mother has had a positive effect on my (previously fairly extreme) anxiety, ds keeps me busy and I see this little thing that I made and am nurturing and who is developing so beautifully and things just seem better. I have a really supportive family and DH is a very hands on daddy.

Saying that, I'm leaning towards only having the one because I'm currently so content having ds.

Much, much harder than I thought. I didn’t have any experience at all of babies and v little of being responsible for DC.

I thought it would be hard work for a while with sleep deprivation etc, then get easier, which has only happened to a certain extent.

The impact on my working life was huge.

Motherhood has also opened my eyes to sex inequality. For example, I had thought my DH would share all the domestic work and parenting and was pro equality, but although he does more than all the other fathers I know, he thinks he does his fair share but doesn’t!

It was much harder than I thought it would be because my first child was born with a physical disability. It had never crossed my mind that this was something that might happen and it was and still is, such a challenge.

Being a mum is what I expected, but I think I had realistic expectations to start with, I didn’t imagine everything perfect. I knew it was hard as I wasn’t the first in my group of friends to become a mum. Close friend’s tend to be honest and will openly tell you the really shitty bits, no topic is off limits!

I think a lot of people have unrealistic expectations, they see the nice bits shared on social media and don’t realise that isn’t the reality.

I’ve joked IRL that because it took me 12 years I spent a long time resentful and used to think Mat leave was a long holiday I was desperate for

Well DS is 7 months and as holidays go it’s the worst one I’ve had sort of.

I didn’t know that newborns were so wierd and wriggly abs they didn’t sleep although he didn’t cry.

The all night shuffling kept me awake for 4 months and I hated him for it. I went mental til I started co sleeping and he fell asleep properly

Of course I’d do it again but I’m not having any more - I’m not having sex til the vasectomy safe letter has arrived

Much, much harder than expected and I expected it to be really hard. DD1 was a stressed out, reflux baby. I thought I was losing my mind. Always a handful and diagnosed with ASD at 8. DD2 is NT but clingy and a poor sleeper. They are both ace and I don’t regret it. Glad I got some carefree years in before having them though.

I've not got used to how low down my own list of priorities I am now. Two years in and I've not lost the stone I gained in pregnancy (and I was trying to lose another stone even before that!). It feels like I've got no mental, let alone physical energy to do anything about it between sorting out DS, working full time and sorting general life stuff. I gave up my gym membership as it was money down the drain and I'm lucky if I get out for a decent dog walk a couple of times per week around DH's shifts now.

How old is your little one OP? The first few months arent what I imagined at all, I found it extremely claustrophobic emotionally (although the physical aspects such as sleep deprivation weren't as bad as I thought). Now it's much better than I ever imagined, with the monotonous parts not as bad as I thought they would be. To be honest though I hadn't grown up really wanting children so I hadn't thought about it too much.

First time I adored it. Second time I was a sahm to a baby and school starter during my maternity leave and I sort of hated it. It was relentlessly boring, and I felt exhausted spending my days cooking for everyone, sorting their clothes, washing them, putting up their hair etc. It was so tiring yet so deeply unsatisfying. There were nice days when we had successful trips etc or they learnt some thing exciting but most of it was so draining.

My DS is 13 months (my first) and I’ve found it harder than I expected. I’m quite realistic and when I was pregnant I resigned myself to the fact I’d be a complete slave to him for the first year or two. What I did get wrong is:-

• Assuming their sleep just gets gradually better and once they’re done with nightfeeds, they just sleep through by 6-8 months (or whatever) when in reality it’s 1 step forward and 2 steps back! When they say nothing prepares you for the exhaustion, they’re not kidding.

• The sheer relentless. I didn’t realise how much I procrastinated before I had him. Even when you feel utterly shit, you have to drag yourself up to sterilise bottles, change nappies, feed, etc. I thought I’d done some fairly difficult things in my life (i.e. getting up at 5:30am to run 7k four times a week, worked full time since I was 16 in an emotionally draining job, etc). The difference is, all those things are temporary and come to an end. Having a child is 24/7!

• The boredom - maternity leave is a special kind of hell imo. Have felt like my life is on hold and everybody was happily getting on with their lives but the world was just passing me by.

As he grows up and becomes a bit more of a “functioning” little person, I’m assuming (hoping) all this will be a distant memory and he will slot into family life rather than being some kind of high maintenance pet you can’t ignore

I honestly thought having a baby would be like having another dog. I was great at training dogs, how much more difficult could a baby be?

I thought that the baby would slot right into my life, why would it be disruptive? Whatever I wanted to do, the baby would simply come along too.

Needless to say, the ridiculous Utopia I had built up in my head did not become a reality.

I still regularly think that I shouldn't have become a parent which is so fucking sad. I would obviously never let on to my child but I feel internally anxious and stressed most of the time (5 yrs on) and I know it's not going to go away.

I hate the pressure and worry I feel every day. I hate noise and demands. I hate being so tired all the time.

I only wish I had known how important those things were before I decided to have a child. I had NO idea what I was letting myself in for.

@SleepIsForTheWeeak I think that's where I fell foul - I was the first to have a baby in my friendship group and didn't have a lot of experience with babies or toddlers. I had experience of 4+ as my ex had an elder child, which I found a doddle, but even then I was woefully naive!

I found it easier than expected, especially after reading all the scary stuff on the Internet. But it was manageable and not horrible at all. My daughter is a very easy baby though, that probably makes all the difference. Going back to work was the hardest part, no time for anything now. But my Oh is great with her and it really helps. She just turned 1, so everything is still ahead of us... I have no expectations, will just deal with things as they come.

Was her child disabled, or unwell for a long time previously? Unless you’ve been in that situation you can’t possibly understand what it’s like.

No, the child wasn't disabled and died in an accident I think. Btw I'm not judging this women - you feel how you feel. But when you read things like that, can you really say that "I never knew how hard it wod be". Clearly it's bloody hard.

With ds1 it was a shock to the system. I don’t think I knew what to expect. I didn’t expect a colicky nightmare that screamed every hour he was awake. I used to dread him waking up again so I’d have to be someone’s mum. I just wanted to be myself again, and almost forgot who that was. I was suffering from ptsd from the birth which certainly didn’t help.

After I had my cbt sessions and his colic stopped it got better and became more like my general idea of what looking after a baby was like. I adore his company now (he’s 2) and while some days are harder than others I would say parenting is so much better than I could have ever thought it could be. We have ds2 now so I’ve pretty much forgotten what life was like before them 😂

It can be hard. I’m a solitary person by nature. I love quiet, naps, alone time which I rarely get. But they are worth it. And I’m hoping in future years it might be a bit less full on than it is now.

The following were sort of as I expected:
The sleep deprivation of newborn days
The mess of weaning/nappies
How long it would take to get out of the house
The difficulty of having two that are at different stages c
Money and the cost of childcare and going part time

The following were much more difficult that I could ever have anticipated:
The sheer relentlessness of it all
Breastfeeding
That babies don’t suddenly start sleeping by the end of maternity leave and sleep deprivation whilst going to work is a thing
Having a child with developmental delay
Giving up so much of what makes me, “me”
Losing touch/finding little in common with some childless friends
That it actually doesn’t get easier

I agree that some people have unrealistic expectations and see what others share on social media as the real thing... I post a lot of insta-worthy pictures but you don’t see the bad bits!

it is so hard. i didn't know it was going to be so hard emotionally

I've been trying for 4 years and this thread is making me feel a lot better! I am absolutely desperate for my child, but.... Maybe the last 4 years swanning about on holiday, sorting out my career and reading lots of books in peace has been a good thing.
I worry I massively idealise it because I can't have it.

What about the evenings? If kids go to sleep by 7-8pm why isn't there a few hours there to have adult time and chill?

Honestly the baby stage just bored me.
I found it so repetitive.
Loved the toddler stage, everything was an adventure.
Hated being tied to the school run.
But over all, I enjoyed motherhood and am so looking forward to hopefully being a grandma one day .

@1300cakes I didn't read that thread, but if I had read it before I had DS I'd have thought 'I don't think I'll find it that hard'. And I would have been 100% right so far - I've found bits of it hard, but there is no way my life would ever have been more enjoyable if he died (that was hard to type). I don't think many parents do feel that (though I completely agree with sinkgirl that it is very different if a child has a very serious illness in which case I can understand why there would be relief along with the grief)

The actual hardest bit of motherhood for me so far has been getting to have a baby - I had three miscarriages and after the third I had my worst depressive episode of my life so far. It's all been downhill from there. We're still incredibly early days so who can say, but I hope I'll always hold onto some of that sense of how incredibly lucky I am to have him

No

Feel like a failure because of the birth. Could t breastfeed. PND that still makes me hate DD at times

I found the baby stage incredibly, incredibly hard (despite loving my dc very much). Mainly because of the sleep deprivation I think. I am confident and accomplished in my career, and I didn't expect to find it so hard.

I also found it much harder to stick to doing equal parenting with dp (we mainly have stuck to this, but it often felt like the world is set up to make it difficult).

But my dc are so astonishing! I sir of hadn't expected them to be their own little people so quickly. The strength of love and pride I have in them is like nothing else.

Better than I expected

Firstly because I love him insanely and he makes me laugh

But mostly because I was the last of my friends to have a child and all had already told me how hard it was. I absolutely expected it