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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not invite my brother, his girlfriend and her son to my wedding?

119 replies

Bride2bee · 27/08/2019 11:00

Sorry if this post is quite drawn out, I don’t want to drip-feed later!

I am 15 months older than my brother and we are both in our 30s. We grew up in Essex, and since he graduated from university, my brother lived for 5 years in Leicester and now for 2 years on the Scottish Borders.

I suppose we were close as children, we would play together etc but I suppose that’s what all siblings do!

Since adulthood however, he hasn’t really been bothered about having any sort of relationship, it’s always been down to me to call or text him. When I do text him, it’s mainly one word answers and really hard work. I’ve just had a look through old messages – the last time he started a conversation with me was in May 2017!

I feel like I’ve bent over backwards for him, one example of this is when he was moving from Leicester to Scotland, I hired a van and drove from Essex, to Leicester, to Scotland and home again to help him keep the costs of moving down. I often text him little anecdotes or see how he is, but like I said, it’s met with one word answers. If there’s no room for him to sleep at my parent’s house on Christmas Day I always invite him to stay at my house etc

He doesn’t bother with birthday cards/text messages for me or my little boy, and when he comes to visit my parents (who live 5 minutes’ drive from mine) he doesn’t bother to pop in or text me and let me know he’s in the area. 3 months’ ago my Dad was diagnosed with a terminal, life-limiting disease. My brother has been down to visit once, for the day, and doesn’t respond to any text messages sent by either myself, my mum or my dad in the WhatsApp group we had created when my dad went into hospital.

He is close with, and speaks to my Mum on the phone on a daily basis, so I know she keeps him up to date with what’s going on in Essex - I’m pregnant with my second baby but he hasn’t bothered with a congratulations or anything. I sent him a ‘Save-the-Date’ for my wedding, not even a text to say he’s received it, or congratulations.

Despite living in Scotland, his girlfriend lives in Wales, so it’s not like he doesn’t have the ability to maintain a long-distance relationship of any sort. There isn’t any financial reasons why he can’t stick a birthday card in the post to his nephew if not his sister – he has multiple trips to Vegas each year and owns a 3 bedroom house and drives a luxury car!

I’m just wondering if I’m BU if I don’t send him an invitation to the wedding despite the save-the-date? The date of the wedding has actually changed due to the pregnancy, and the invitations explain that. I’d rather save the money I’d spend inviting someone who doesn’t even bother with basic familial communication and conversation, and put it towards another part of the wedding. I know my Mum will be livid, but I feel like it’s my wedding day and I only really want to invite people who care and show an interest in my life. My mum has already told me I should invite his girlfriend and her son too, neither of which I’ve ever met nor has my brother expressed any desire to introduce us.

OP posts:

walkintheparc · 27/08/2019 11:06

Doesn't sound like he cares much about you, but the reality of not inviting him to the wedding will cause way more issues than it's worth. Invite him, he is your brother and isn't going to be a problem on the day, but now you know that you should stop bothering so much.

elvis86 · 27/08/2019 11:07

I would just invite your brother. It sounds like you have a lot going on in your life - it's not worth causing a huge family upset to save the cost of one head at your wedding.

I wouldn't invite the gf and her son. As you say, you've never met and your brother isn't serious enough about her to live in the same country.

You should really call your brother out on the way he is, rather than snubbing him from your wedding to make a point.

Confusedbeetle · 27/08/2019 11:09

What is a wedding for? Your big day its all about you? Or a family celebration? Your relationship with your brother is loose that you would like, common in many families. Do not use your wedding to create a rift. You say your mother will be livid, I susupect she will be devastated. You will put here between you both and potentially be asking her to take sides. Seems to me this wedding is little to do with a loving union but more do do with a party. You are already established in your relationship. If you feel this way, instead of havinf a big hoorah, pop down to the registrar and have a nice lunch with friends. Save the date cards are a nightmare

PrayingandHoping · 27/08/2019 11:10

I would invite him. You may not be close at the moment but things change over the years.

Also if he and your mum are close, would she not be upset if he wasn't there. Some people may not care about that, but especially as your dad is ill I would think she would really like a happy occasion with all her family around her

Congratulations on the wedding and baby

DowntonCrabby · 27/08/2019 11:11

YANBU

I’d probably still invite him for he sake of family harmony. Certainly not the GF & her son though.

Usually I am 100% your wedding your choice but given the situation with your Dad, I’d try and minimise stress or upset for your parents.

I expect he might not even come to the wedding.

SarahSinclair · 27/08/2019 11:12

I don’t think I’d invite him if this scenario was me.

Would he invite you if it were his wedding?

formerbabe · 27/08/2019 11:14

Just invite him. He sounds disinterested but not malicious or actively nasty. He might not come to the wedding anyway but if he does, it doesn't sound like his presence would sour the day.

Sympathy though...people who are disinterested in their family baffle me.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 27/08/2019 11:15

I would invite them for your parents sake, particularly as your dad is so unwell. It would make them happy to have both their children there.

Propertyfaux · 27/08/2019 11:16

Your relationship with him may change or it may stay the same if you invite him but not inviting could bring it to an end and it never recover.

Twooter · 27/08/2019 11:17

He possibly feels closer to you than you think if your mother is keeping him up to date. I would invite him and gf( but probably not son) - you may get in really well with her and it may help your sibling relationship. Not the time to make a point.

twoshedsjackson · 27/08/2019 11:18

My slightly cynical guess is that, if you invite him for the sake of family harmony, and your mother's feelings, while doing nothing to actually facilitate his attendance, he'll probably slide out of the hassle and expense. You, on the other hand, will be seen to have done the right thing. and can't have non-invitation dragged up as a grievance many years later, when it suits him....

MzHz · 27/08/2019 11:18

I agree, send an invitation, be the bigger person - huge possibility that he won't be bothered to come anyway. You can at least say YOU did the right thing.

Whether you invite his GF and child is totally up to you, although as they are not living together and you have not met them, its not beyond the realms of thinking that the invitation may only be for him and him only.

Why not speak to your mum? see what she thinks you should do?

Alsohuman · 27/08/2019 11:18

Just invite him. He probably won’t come anyway.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 27/08/2019 11:19

I agree with PP I'd invite him. I think it's different if you've fallen out or his bad behaviour would ruin the day for you, but it's more you've just lost touch. Things may change in the future. I would speak to him though, tell him you miss him, that you're sad your child doesnt know who he is, that you would appreciate the odd phone call. If nothing changes at least you tried

Aria2015 · 27/08/2019 11:19

I'd invite him even if it's for your mum’s sake. I really don't think it's worth the upset. It would a shame if your happy day was overshadowed by family feuding.

I get why you’re fed up with him but better to challenge him and tell him it bothers you than to take the more passive-aggressive approach and not invite him to a big event like your wedding.

GruciusMalfoy · 27/08/2019 11:19

I agree with previous posters, to avoid any further stress and upset to your parents I would invite him. I don't think it's necessary to invite his GF, though. I understand why you'd not want to invite him, but is it worth the inevitable fallout?

Lauralaaaa · 27/08/2019 11:19

Congratulations on your baby and engagement! I don’t think you are being completely unreasonable but I think it would upset the family more than it’s worth. I definitely think you should stop bothering with him if he isn’t going to engage, you deserve better than that.

I understand you want to make a point to your brother that he’s not putting in enough effort, but the only person it would probably actually upset in this situation is your mum, and probably your dad in extension.

If your brother is as you said is uninterested he may not even come, but not inviting him makes you the bad guy, especially in your parents eyes. I would only send an invite to him, unless he then engages and asks for his girlfriend and her child.

Good luck with everything OP!

Pardonwhat · 27/08/2019 11:20

Invite him even if just for your parents sake.

NoSquirrels · 27/08/2019 11:20

I know my Mum will be livid

Don’t fall out with your mum, OP. Invite him (you can put your foot down about the girlfriend etc if you’ve never met them).
The consequences of taking a stand in principle would be worse than just sending him the invite. It won’t ruin your day, but it might if there’s bad feeling all round.

noeyedeer · 27/08/2019 11:20

Pick up the phone, ring your brother and talk to him. Have a hard conversation rather than passive aggressively not inviting him to your wedding. Either that or just invite him (not GF). I certainly wouldn't use your wedding to make a point, especially when your dad is ill. Does your mum really need the added stress that this will bring to her life right now?

Davespecifico · 27/08/2019 11:21

Invite him (alone) as a formality in the knowledge that he may not come anyway. Then you avoid upsetting your mum. Make sure you have a clear rsvp by a certain date on invite so if you get no reply, you know not to factor him in numbers. Do t get your mum to chase rsvp up (he’s an adult). Keep your expectations regarding rsvp, presents and interaction on the day low.
Remember that you can’t make someone be what you think they should be. Accept the situation for what it is and don’t put yourself out any more than you want to.

Fifthtimelucky · 27/08/2019 11:21

I'd invite him. It might be the last time you get together with both your parents.

Not sure about his girlfriend and her son, but I'd probably invite them too.

Luckingfovely · 27/08/2019 11:22

Yes, for the sake of the wider family, just invite him. Even though he doesn't deserve it.

Do you want to force your mum and dad to have to take sides, especially when he is ill? No, of course.

He's taken the low road - you take the high road.

CalmdownJanet · 27/08/2019 11:22

I'd invite your brother but only because your mam has enough on her plate with your dad but I wouldn't bother with the girlfriend or son and i'd not care who had anything to say about it.

By the sounds of it he might not come if they aren't invited and if that happens it's win win for without being thd bad guy.

Passthecherrycoke · 27/08/2019 11:22

You should to invite him. Lots of people aren’t great at staying in contact- I only have sisters but there’s certainly a rubbish brother stereotype that they can be like this! Why on earth wouldn’t you want him there? Yes it’s hurtful that he doesn’t contact you but don’t you love him?
In the absence of no contact I can’t imagine anyone I know not inviting a sibling, apart from out of spite maybe

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