To not invite my brother, his girlfriend and her son to my wedding?

[Bride2bee]

Sorry if this post is quite drawn out, I don’t want to drip-feed later!

I am 15 months older than my brother and we are both in our 30s. We grew up in Essex, and since he graduated from university, my brother lived for 5 years in Leicester and now for 2 years on the Scottish Borders.

I suppose we were close as children, we would play together etc but I suppose that’s what all siblings do!

Since adulthood however, he hasn’t really been bothered about having any sort of relationship, it’s always been down to me to call or text him. When I do text him, it’s mainly one word answers and really hard work. I’ve just had a look through old messages – the last time he started a conversation with me was in May 2017!

I feel like I’ve bent over backwards for him, one example of this is when he was moving from Leicester to Scotland, I hired a van and drove from Essex, to Leicester, to Scotland and home again to help him keep the costs of moving down. I often text him little anecdotes or see how he is, but like I said, it’s met with one word answers. If there’s no room for him to sleep at my parent’s house on Christmas Day I always invite him to stay at my house etc

He doesn’t bother with birthday cards/text messages for me or my little boy, and when he comes to visit my parents (who live 5 minutes’ drive from mine) he doesn’t bother to pop in or text me and let me know he’s in the area. 3 months’ ago my Dad was diagnosed with a terminal, life-limiting disease. My brother has been down to visit once, for the day, and doesn’t respond to any text messages sent by either myself, my mum or my dad in the WhatsApp group we had created when my dad went into hospital.

He is close with, and speaks to my Mum on the phone on a daily basis, so I know she keeps him up to date with what’s going on in Essex - I’m pregnant with my second baby but he hasn’t bothered with a congratulations or anything. I sent him a ‘Save-the-Date’ for my wedding, not even a text to say he’s received it, or congratulations.

Despite living in Scotland, his girlfriend lives in Wales, so it’s not like he doesn’t have the ability to maintain a long-distance relationship of any sort. There isn’t any financial reasons why he can’t stick a birthday card in the post to his nephew if not his sister – he has multiple trips to Vegas each year and owns a 3 bedroom house and drives a luxury car!

I’m just wondering if I’m BU if I don’t send him an invitation to the wedding despite the save-the-date? The date of the wedding has actually changed due to the pregnancy, and the invitations explain that. I’d rather save the money I’d spend inviting someone who doesn’t even bother with basic familial communication and conversation, and put it towards another part of the wedding. I know my Mum will be livid, but I feel like it’s my wedding day and I only really want to invite people who care and show an interest in my life. My mum has already told me I should invite his girlfriend and her son too, neither of which I’ve ever met nor has my brother expressed any desire to introduce us.

He is selfish. Treat him
How he treats you. That includes any children he has in the future.

Invite him to the wedding though. Dont make him part of the wedding party.

Of course you invite him/them. Your brother is a useless dickhead, you're not. Do the right thing, OP.

YANBU I didn’t invite the majority of my family to my recent wedding- my partners friends/fam outnumbered mine 2:1 but the people I had were people I know I will be seeing for the rest of my life and will never regret having in my photos.
However, as this is your brother and it’s such a close link, you might want to consider making this invitation your last olive branch and if he can’t be bothered to rsvp then you’ll know where you stand and your mum can’t hold you responsible.

Also- I was a 7month pregnant bride as all deposits had been paid when we got the news! It was an amazing day and I wish you all the best for yours!

I would speak to him about how you are feeling. I am so bad at texting back and starting conversations. My life is busy and so if everyone else’s. It’s not malice, it’s just how things go some times. It’s nice that you make the effort with him but just speak to him, tell him it feels one sided and you want to have as close a relationship as possible with him, especially since you both will be needing to support your mum (and dad) at this time.

your wedding, your choice but I would invite him, he’s not done anything wrong and your family needs to be strong at this point, your mum doesn’t need another issue on her plate and neither does your dad. Your wedding pictures will last your whole life and you don’t want a brother shaped whole in them as a constant reminder of an upset that could be avoided.

You should invite him. Your parents know that you will not have a relationship with your brother after they have gone and it is probably very painful for them. Don't give them a preview.

Did he actually ask you to drive to Scotland for him? Or did you initiate that?

Tbh, I think you have been kind of overdoing it in what you've been doing for him before, and you'd certainly be overdoing it the other way if you didn't invite him.

It doesn't sound like, as a person, you actually like and miss him. You just feel that, as Family, you should communicate and support each other, etc. And in an ideal world... But in this world, you aren't close and he doesn't go out of his way for you. So let go what you have done, unreciprocated, in the past, and don't do more for him than he would do for you again.

But. Not inviting a full sibling to your wedding is tantamount to a declaration of war. It's a major escalation, it will look dramatic and disproportionate to most people, it will rightly make him feel pretty aggrieved, and it will probably upset your parents terribly and overshadow the wedding. Invite him. Tbh if you know he has a steady long term partner you should invite them too even if you've never met them. If the partner is new this is not obligatory though.

Try to accept the relationship as it is, ie a bit perfunctory and distant, rather than turn it into a bomb crater.

Be 'the bigger person' and invite him to the wedding but in all other respects back off totally and don't bother to contact him. If he contacts you, be civil but don't over-invest. Harsh as it may seem, just because you are family doesn't mean you are close.

Thank you everyone for your kind replies! I was expecting to be made to feel like I'm behaving like a real brat but you've all been so understanding about how I'm feeling!

I think I'll just invite him and not his girlfriend or her child.

If he comes, he comes, if he doesn't then the day won't be lacking anything!!

Thanks all for making me see a bit clearer!

If you do this, you’ll be closing the door on your relationship with him forever. Keep that in mind. I know you feel hurt by his action now, but is it really worth all the hurt it will parents? Especially with what your dad is going through? Maybe actually tell him how he’s making you fell. He may not realise it bothers you so much.

I am glad you are going to invite him - you wedding is not the hill to die on as your Mum will be torn and it will end up being about your brother by his absence! Don’t facilitate his attendance or anything, if he is a crap as he sounds he won’t bother coming but it won’t be on your head.

I'm not one to say family has an automatic right to be invited and must be included at all costs. DH didn't invite one of his sisters to our wedding, but that was due to an existing family rift. But in this case, with your Mum being close to him and your Dad being ill, I think you're doing the right thing in inviting him. If he declines, so be it, but that will be firmly of his own doing.

Invite him. Not inviting him will possibly cause issues and will likely then affect your DP's which isn't really fair.

Some men are just absolutely useless at keeping in contact. It's not like he's ever done anything really awful to you. My own DBIL is useless. Family learn of job promotions and holidays via his social media updates, it just doesn't occur to him to contact his siblings directly but he doesn't mean to upset people, it's just how he is.

Perhaps your DB is kept updated on you and your life via the daily calls with you DM, so doesn't see the need to make regular contact with you? That happens in my own family a lot. DM updates us on what everyone else is doing.

Invite him. If he comes see it as a bonus, if he doesn't, don't let it impact your special day

I would invite him, to be honest: it's not worth having a family drama over it, given that he seems just uncaring rather than actively abusive. With any luck, he won't bother to come anyway!

You're doing the right thing by inviting him. You'd only be creating drama for yourself by not doing so. Take the high road and all that.

But don't bother making any effort for him. Stop sending messages, stop helping with stuff, stop offering for him to stay at your for family occasions. Treat him as he treats you. If he wants something from you he can bloody well pick up the phone and ask you. And you have every right to refuse, frankly, after the way he's behaved.

My daughter will be getting married soon ,my middle son is,just like your brother,he’s not got the social skills.
I’d be devastated if she didn’t invite him

I think you should invite him, despite the lack of interest he shows in your life.
However you don't need to invite his girlfriend if she doesn't live with him and you don't have much/anything to do with her.

I invited my brother for form's sake - he didn't add anything to the wedding or the celebrations, but at least it kept my parents happy and didn't cause a massive amount of bad feeling and angst.

As with everyone else, invite him but not the gf or her son.

I have seen your update btw, and I think that’s the right thing to do. You’ve left the ball in his court now.

Just to add, inviting his gf and son is your decision, not your mums.

I’m glad you’re leaning towards inviting your brother and can only reiterate what many other posters have said about it.
I’m going against the grain a bit though because I think you probably should invite his girlfriend too.
I realise you don’t know her, and they don’t live together (although I don’t see why that would make all the difference anyway), but it might make him more likely to attend, and you might get on really well with her. She may well be the person who pushes him to recognise that it’s actually a good thing to have a relationship with your sister.
Also, don’t most people get a “plus one” invite anyway?

I would also add that you should invite him because he’s your brother, not for your mum’s sake. And PPs are right, his GF and her son are very different issue, they don’t live together, he never introduced her so presumably he doesn’t consider her as a part of the family.
Just to add, my DH has sisters. At some point he had very little contact with them. It’s just happened this way. We moved to UK. Life became very busy. They are very different ( in a good way, just different) . He’s regularly in contact with his Mum and she tells us all wider family news so he sees this as enough. We struggle with managing things and often can’t find time for one more call. I know it doesn’t sound good but it’s just life. Last few years we became more in touch.

Nah, I wouldn’t bother, he has opted out of being your family, so he doesn’t get to play the part of a brother hen he’s got an audience. Fuck inviting people to your wedding to ‘keep the peace’, invite only people who like and love you both. It’s not a family reunion, it’s a wedding, for the bride and groom to make legally binding vows to each other and they pay a fortune to feed people who love them. He’s cut you from his life, so respect that, your mum can cry to him about it.

I don’t mean to be mean op as you are clearly hurt by lack of interest from your brother but you are coming off as quite petty. Invite all 3 of them and if they come it could be a way into building a better relationship in the future

I'd do what you've said, invite just your brother.

Tell your mum that his isn't the day to be meeting new people and "we can all do that at xmas".

If your brother comes 🤷🏼‍♀️, and if he doesn't your mum can only be mad at him.

I have very little contact with my brother. I invited him to my wedding anyway. He couldn't come, with good reason. I felt I did the right thing by inviting him.

That's good OP, you invite him to keep the peace but do the minimum as he does for you. If he chooses not to come, his choice just give set rsvp date. Oh and be ready to be honest to your parents if they moan about the gf.