To not invite my brother, his girlfriend and her son to my wedding?

[Bride2bee]

Sorry if this post is quite drawn out, I don’t want to drip-feed later!

I am 15 months older than my brother and we are both in our 30s. We grew up in Essex, and since he graduated from university, my brother lived for 5 years in Leicester and now for 2 years on the Scottish Borders.

I suppose we were close as children, we would play together etc but I suppose that’s what all siblings do!

Since adulthood however, he hasn’t really been bothered about having any sort of relationship, it’s always been down to me to call or text him. When I do text him, it’s mainly one word answers and really hard work. I’ve just had a look through old messages – the last time he started a conversation with me was in May 2017!

I feel like I’ve bent over backwards for him, one example of this is when he was moving from Leicester to Scotland, I hired a van and drove from Essex, to Leicester, to Scotland and home again to help him keep the costs of moving down. I often text him little anecdotes or see how he is, but like I said, it’s met with one word answers. If there’s no room for him to sleep at my parent’s house on Christmas Day I always invite him to stay at my house etc

He doesn’t bother with birthday cards/text messages for me or my little boy, and when he comes to visit my parents (who live 5 minutes’ drive from mine) he doesn’t bother to pop in or text me and let me know he’s in the area. 3 months’ ago my Dad was diagnosed with a terminal, life-limiting disease. My brother has been down to visit once, for the day, and doesn’t respond to any text messages sent by either myself, my mum or my dad in the WhatsApp group we had created when my dad went into hospital.

He is close with, and speaks to my Mum on the phone on a daily basis, so I know she keeps him up to date with what’s going on in Essex - I’m pregnant with my second baby but he hasn’t bothered with a congratulations or anything. I sent him a ‘Save-the-Date’ for my wedding, not even a text to say he’s received it, or congratulations.

Despite living in Scotland, his girlfriend lives in Wales, so it’s not like he doesn’t have the ability to maintain a long-distance relationship of any sort. There isn’t any financial reasons why he can’t stick a birthday card in the post to his nephew if not his sister – he has multiple trips to Vegas each year and owns a 3 bedroom house and drives a luxury car!

I’m just wondering if I’m BU if I don’t send him an invitation to the wedding despite the save-the-date? The date of the wedding has actually changed due to the pregnancy, and the invitations explain that. I’d rather save the money I’d spend inviting someone who doesn’t even bother with basic familial communication and conversation, and put it towards another part of the wedding. I know my Mum will be livid, but I feel like it’s my wedding day and I only really want to invite people who care and show an interest in my life. My mum has already told me I should invite his girlfriend and her son too, neither of which I’ve ever met nor has my brother expressed any desire to introduce us.

Please invite all 3

Just invite him he is your brother it will keep your mum happy and he isn't going to cause a fuss. I think a lot of sibling relationships are like yours it isa real shame he won't be involved in your life.

If it were me I would invite all 3 for my Dads sake. Your Dad doesnt need the drama right now neither does your Mum. Make however long he has left happy and drama free.

Invite him and then it’s up to him if he wants to attend. He may have not responded to the Save the Date as he just assumed you know he’d be there. I don’t think I sent an invitation to my siblings as I just thought it’s a given that they would be there. I think they would have been bewildered if I had sent them invitations. Maybe your brother is the same.

Since he receives all updates of your life through your mum maybe it doesn’t occur to him to actually pick the phone and properly catch up with you.

I get a sense you might regret not inviting him anyway as you do seem to care about your brother. You are hurt by his indifference. That’s understandable. Invite him. Have a clear conscience and no regrets.

I would just invite him.

I agree with Crankybitch and with Coyoacan

When my Mum was still alive, none of my adult siblings and I phoned each other or talked that regularly - we all spoke to Mum fairly regularly and she passed on any mildly interesting news from the others. You say he speaks to your Mum every day, and presumably she would pass on anything significant about your life, and visa versa. I don't think it is that unusual not to be in regular contact, tbh. Thinking about it, we only speak to dh's db when there is a wider family gathering - not that we don't get on or he doesn't love us, or us him, but he just moves in different circles, and dh's Mum shares news about the other sibling as and when.

I would add that cultivating a relationship with his girlfriend may pay dividends in the long-term if they stay together. My sister in law is not only a lovely person and a great friend, but without her involvement I'd have much less of a relationship with their children - which is something that I value a lot!

Yes, because doing the emotional gruntwork of maintaining relationships with your DH/DP's side of the family is totally a woman's job.

keepstill in the part you quoted, I don't think that person once said it was a woman's job?

No, but she didn’t have to, she was advocating from her own experience of an uninterested brother that the OP bypass her actual brother and cultivate a friendship with a woman she’s never met who is presumed (on no grounds I can see other than gender) to be likely to have more time for her, and to take over maintaining the family relationship between the OP, her own brother and any potential nephews and nieces.

Presumably this comes from the same ‘wifework’ place as the women on Mn who routinely maintain all contacts with their DH’s family, remember birthdays, buy presents etc.

I agree with those saying to invite all 3.

Think about it. There is a pretty unanimous feeling here that the brother should be invited. Also, the relationship with the brother going forward many years is important to the OP.
If this is a serious relationship then the girlfriend will have a big say in the ongoing contact that the brother will ave with the OP in future. In fact she could help improve the relationship. There is a possibility that the brother could reverse the invitation on the OP saying that the girlfriend was not invited (even though they had not met it would be clear that the OP knew of her existence)

If the brother and the girlfrend chose to continue to ignore the OP then the OP can move on with held high nowing everything possible has been tried.

Regarding the child I would invite him also, he will probably cost very little anyway. And, maybe in this case, go with the request from your mum to invite all 3.

I would invite the GF and her son too. Your parents are going through a lot and it sounds like your Mum would like her to come.

keepstill I have been back and read the post. I can see why you may think that but the way I see it is that she has an uninterested sibling so she kept in contact with the sibling's partner. Irregardless of gender.

I’d invite him to save the fall out. My dh and his sister rarely speak. My dh didn’t go to his sister’s wedding as she doesn’t bother with our kids (she only lives an hour away). We were originally all invited then it became just adults. We barely have anything to do with her. Sad but sometimes it’s just the way it is whereas I’m close to my brother who lives abroad.

Agree put the inviations out to all immediate family members' and partners, so invite your brother and brother's girlfriend. If you are inviting kids, invite brother's partner's kid. Everyone in immediate family and friends treated equally.
My brother was similar , but mellowed with middle age and we sit and chat for ages when we do get together now, which is stillnot that often, but relaxed and genuinely lovely now.

My Dad also had a diagnosis of terminal cancer prior to my wedding We made it very small, lighthearted and fun with kids entertainment which the adults loved as they got a break and kids bring such joy and honesty at times such as these, when we really need to treasure the moments. Many great photos & videos of Dad , who died two years later. My brother has now been diagnosed with similar cancer at a much younger age.

Congrats and I hope you have a wonderful celebration of your love between you and partner, with your friends and family.

Yanbu. But invite all 3. They prob won't come but at least you did the right thing.
If you only invite him he has a reason to make a fuss. Imo v unlikely they will all come but maybe he will which would make your parents happy and may even be the start of a thaw in relations

"doesn’t respond to any text messages sent by either myself, my mum or my dad in the WhatsApp group we had created when my dad went into hospital."

"He is close with, and speaks to my Mum on the phone on a daily basis,"
So, you send him texts and he only spends one word answers, he doesn't respond to anyone's text messages in the WhatsApp group but he does speak on the phone with your mum every day? Clearly he doesn't like texting and prefers proper telephone conversations.

He might wonder why you can't pick up a phone and chat properly rather than texting. He might wonder why you send anecdotes. Some people consider that bizarre.

My brother won't respond to text messages. He's a bit of a technophobe anyway and will speak on the phone but doesn't text although he will read any texts he receives. I know this though so only text things that don't warrant replies like commenting on our football team's result.

As there hasn't been any major falling out, I would definitely invite him to the wedding if I was in your shoes. It's better to try and improve relationships than discard them unless there is a good reason to do so. I would also invite his gf and child. Great opportunity for the day to draw closer.

Have you ever chatted to your mum about the lack of birthday cards and does he send them to your parents? Some people consider them a waste. Do you not know from when you lived in your childhood home together how he feels about such things?

Just invite him& his girlfriend etc.Life's too short.Some good may come out of it and you'll feel better too.
I've a brother who sounds a lot like yours.Not a good communicator and tricky to talk to on the phone.It's not done maliciously,it's just the way he is.I still love him...

It's an emotional time getting married, and it is understandable that you wish only those who truly respect hpw precious this occasion is for you to be present. I don't blame you for thinking of leaving your brother out , as it must feel difficult to see why you should invite him when he has been so indifferent towarda you.

It is difficult when you have a less than perfect relationship to feel confident that he wishes you and your partner the best. I hope you have a beautiful celebration , whatever you end up deciding to do.

I'd invite him, but I'd stop doing any of the rest of the 'wifework' to maintain your relationship with him, i.e. don't reach out unless you actually want to.