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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not get over that dh never gave me a say on which house we bought..

89 replies

Odd1 · 27/08/2019 09:16

We were in the process of looking for a house together. It was the back in 2008 when house prices were going crazy. I told him we should wait a year or two before we bought as prices would probably go down a bit. He wasn't really interested in buying a house and I had to drag him to viewings reluctantly.

A house then came up for sale near his brothers house. It was expensive for what it was. The house itself I very much disliked. The size and layout is just crap. So many things I hated about - eg no entrance hallway, no Garden, small awkward shaped rooms, no parking at the front- only back street- I could go on! It basically had everything I didn't want in a house.

He said this was the house that we would buy. It was this or nothing. It would be convenient for him and his family if we all lived near each other- the rest of his family live close by too.

Fast forward all these years and I still cannot enjoy living here. I hate it even more. We haven't even been able to decorate some of the rooms yet. We've been skint ever since buying it trying to pay off the mortgage. Over the years a couple of houses on the same street have been sold for a lot less than what we paid for as I had predicted.

I just can't seem to make peace and enjoy living here. I've had arguments and tears about it over the years but we really can't move now. I feel a sense of sadness for me when I see friends/ family couples excitedly buying their homes together with each others needs/ opinions in mind. i never got that. He thought about what his family wanted not me.

It's happened such a long time ago but I still can't seem to get over it. I don't know how to. All I want to do is move away and start afresh and not even want dh to have any input because he never let me.

OP posts:
lemonyellowtangerine · 27/08/2019 09:20

That's a massive thing to have no input into. I would struggle too. Why weren't you able to stop him?

Bubsworth · 27/08/2019 09:22

That was very selfish of him. Marriage is meant to be a partnership not a dictatorship especially when it comes to such huge decisions. Yanbu, I can imagine it must be very difficult to forgive and forget when you literally can't escape and are reminded of his selfish mistake every moment you're at home.

FredaFrogspawn · 27/08/2019 09:22

Sounds like a bigger issue than just the house. Are you unhappy in other areas of the marriage?

Shoxfordian · 27/08/2019 09:22

Why can't you sell? Move away by yourself because he doesn't see you as an equal

Are you both working and paying towards it? He sounds like a knob

IAmALazyArse · 27/08/2019 09:25

Is the mortgage just in his name?

kaytee87 · 27/08/2019 09:29

What did he say when you told him you didn't like it?

Wolfiefan · 27/08/2019 09:32

You say “we” bought. Surely you had to sign to buy the place. Or was it all in his name?

Toodeloo · 27/08/2019 09:33

Presumably you signed the papers/mortgage? Why?

Ghanagirl · 27/08/2019 09:33

I don’t get why went ahead if you were so unhappy.

bizmum1 · 27/08/2019 09:34

Hi OP, I can relate a bit because we also bought our house in 2008 and afterwards I had huge 'buyers remorse'. We also couldn't afford to do ours up straight away.

I decided to look upon it as a project and over the years, we've done jobs although we've still got a lovely 1989 bathroom lol.

I think not being able to put your stamp on a home due to affordability is not great. It was only when we could do some updating that I started to feel better about our house.

You say you can't move now - why not? One option is that you rent it out and rent somewhere else for the time being.

The bigger issue of course, is the fact that your husband didn't take your opinions into account and your ongoing resentment which is understandable. Sounds to me like you both need to make a plan togehter about how you are going to deal with this going forward in a way that you'll both be happy with.

katewhinesalot · 27/08/2019 09:34

I don't think I could get over that either.
It's probably indicative to the rest of your relationship though.

I'm assuming that he makes all the decisions. That you are laid back and don't mind most of the time so have never really thought of it as a problem. This decision had stick with you though.

QueefLatifah · 27/08/2019 09:36

Control freak springs to mind.
Him not you obv.

opinionminion · 27/08/2019 09:38

I feel for you - slightly different but I had no say in moving to a different part of the country - away from my family, friends and job.
The resentment never left me - all the tears, talking and tantrums didn't change one thing.
I felt I didn't have a voice.
Ultimately it broke us.

Original poster
Odd1 · 27/08/2019 09:39

We pay for it together. Are finances are pooled together. I don't know why I let him do it. I was stupid, I know that now. I knew he wasn't interested in buying a house and he kept dragging his feet when I'd want to go to viewings. In my head I felt it was this house or nothing at all. I think because his whole family were involved I also found it hard to put my foot down. I know I really regret it now. It's had a massive impact on my marriage.

OP posts:
isabellerossignol · 27/08/2019 09:40

I'd be really pissed off too. But is there more to it than just the house? How did he get you to sign the paperwork if you already knew that you hated it?

isabellerossignol · 27/08/2019 09:41

Sorry, I cross posted with you.

bridgetreilly · 27/08/2019 09:43

I completely understand why you aren't able to let go of it - you're literally living with that decision every single day. But I also think you have to find a way to move forward. Your DH behaved appallingly, making a bad decision and refusing to listen to you at the time. But again, if you want to remain in the relationship, the two of you have to find a way to move forward.

I would try to explain to him, as calmly as possible, why you are still hurt by the way he acted and why you still find the house difficult to live in (those are two separate conversations). The first needs him to admit that he acted unfairly to you and the second needs him to admit that he made a bad choice. But then you need to forgive him and the two of you TOGETHER need to start planning a better way ahead - renting, selling, saving to make changes to the house, or whatever. You can't live with this resentment for the next 50 years.

SleepingStandingUp · 27/08/2019 09:44

He was a dick to railroad you into it and out his families wants ahead of your joint family's needs but you're due a share of responsibility too. You didn't want to buy for a few years but was dragging him to viewings then signed for a house you hated.
Agree with PP, sounds like the issues go much deeper

LillithsFamiliar · 27/08/2019 09:45

YWNBU to be annoyed at the time but I think YABU to still be dwelling on it 11 years later. Is it symptomatic of a bigger problem in your relationship ie that you don't feel heard or valued?
You spend so much time at home that I think it's important for your MH to be happy there. You need to decide if you can make peace with this house, decorate or make some cheap superficial changes that make it feel more like your's or come up with a plan for how you can sell and move. Even if the selling plan would take 5 years, it gives you an end point to aim towards.

Jade218 · 27/08/2019 09:45

Is moving house now not an option?

Juells · 27/08/2019 09:45

Could you not sell, even though you'll take a loss? Then you could buy a house that doesn't have the bitter memories.

Original poster
Odd1 · 27/08/2019 09:46

My long term plan is to move out. Earlier on I would get heart palpitations when walking down the street to the house.

OP posts:
percheron67 · 27/08/2019 09:47

I really feel for you. I, also, was "railroaded" into buying a house that I was not too keen on. On a main road, constant heavy traffic and fumes. Ought to have been stronger but it was his home town and I thought he knew best. He always thought he knew best!

It has turned out well though - he is no longer around and I have bought again in a place I really like. I hope your life takes a turn for the better.

DungeonDweller · 27/08/2019 09:48

Your husband has behaved appallingly. Has he ever apologized for railroading you into this?.
I'd feel differently in your shoes if DH was sorry and ensured such a massive thing wasn't a repeat pattern of him dictating things.. but then honestly this sort of stunt would have broken many marriages. Does your DH even acknowledge that?

I mean, your house dictates so much.. which GP surgery you can use... What schools future children go to ... Where and how you can work (public transport links, parking or not, on a rat run or whatever), what neighbours you have ffs.. I mean, aside from living in the house with all the features you hate... It dictates what your day to day looks like.

It's not a minor thing!!

KeepStill · 27/08/2019 09:48

I knew he wasn't interested in buying a house and he kept dragging his feet when I'd want to go to viewings. In my head I felt it was this house or nothing at all.

Then, in the nicest possible way, you created, or co-created the situation, OP. I absolutely sympathise with you not being able to let go of it, but I think it might actually help to take some responsibility for the situation.

Why were you trying to badger someone who didn't want to buy a house into buying a house in the first place? Were you already married and living together in a rental? And you seem to say different things in your OP on the one hand, you say you were dragging him to viewings, as though you were the one who wanted to buy, but on the other, you say you were the one who wanted to wait a few years to let the housing bubble deflate how did that suddenly turn into buying a house when (a) he didn't want a house at all and (b) you hated the house you eventually bought?

I'm not intending to be nasty here, but it might help to understand the dynamics better.

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