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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not get over that dh never gave me a say on which house we bought..

89 replies

Odd1 · 27/08/2019 09:16

We were in the process of looking for a house together. It was the back in 2008 when house prices were going crazy. I told him we should wait a year or two before we bought as prices would probably go down a bit. He wasn't really interested in buying a house and I had to drag him to viewings reluctantly.

A house then came up for sale near his brothers house. It was expensive for what it was. The house itself I very much disliked. The size and layout is just crap. So many things I hated about - eg no entrance hallway, no Garden, small awkward shaped rooms, no parking at the front- only back street- I could go on! It basically had everything I didn't want in a house.

He said this was the house that we would buy. It was this or nothing. It would be convenient for him and his family if we all lived near each other- the rest of his family live close by too.

Fast forward all these years and I still cannot enjoy living here. I hate it even more. We haven't even been able to decorate some of the rooms yet. We've been skint ever since buying it trying to pay off the mortgage. Over the years a couple of houses on the same street have been sold for a lot less than what we paid for as I had predicted.

I just can't seem to make peace and enjoy living here. I've had arguments and tears about it over the years but we really can't move now. I feel a sense of sadness for me when I see friends/ family couples excitedly buying their homes together with each others needs/ opinions in mind. i never got that. He thought about what his family wanted not me.

It's happened such a long time ago but I still can't seem to get over it. I don't know how to. All I want to do is move away and start afresh and not even want dh to have any input because he never let me.

OP posts:

woodchuck99 · 27/08/2019 10:20

I wonder what his version of events would be? Unless he held a gun to your head I think that you need to take ownership of the fact that this situation is not entirely down to him and it is now time to move on.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 27/08/2019 10:24

Why can't you sell?

It sounds like they'd have negative equity.

Awful position for you to be in OP. I'm so sorry.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 27/08/2019 10:28

I think people are unkind to blame the OP so much.

Yes, she colluded in the purchase, but she was desperate to get out of an in-laws' home (I've been there - I was almost suicidal) and her DH told her it was this or nothing.

If you haven't been in a stressful situation like this you can haven idea how much it impacts you emotionally and mentally and even impairs your thinking processes.

It isn't helpful to pick on her, rightly or wrongly she agreed to this house because she was desperate - it seemed the least-worst option at the time.

Rainycloudyday · 27/08/2019 10:30

OP I don’t mean to Ben unkind but you need to take responsibility for the fact that you went along with this and signed papers. Assuming that no one held a gun to your head, you’re an adult and are responsible for your own decisions and actions. You hated the house, so why on earth did you even attend a second viewing never mind buy the place?! It’s not kind of your husband to pressure you but you’re responsible for your own response. ‘I hate that house and I won’t consider buying it’ followed by walking out of the room if he carried on would surely mean you weren’t living there 11 years later. And if he refused to buy any other house than that one, so be it. He wasn’t clearly being a manipulative prick and you should have questioned on that basis whether you even wanted to buy a house with him! I know hindsight is a wonderful thing but you need to examine your own role in this and whether you need to address your own self confidence and boundaries.

Rainycloudyday · 27/08/2019 10:31

was not wasn’t being a manipulative prick

raspberryk · 27/08/2019 10:33

Yabu , you wanted to wait but then you dragged him to viewings.
You signed the papers too.

roundturnandtwohalfhitches · 27/08/2019 10:34

I think people re being very harsh on here. If one partner in a marriage really wants something they can manipulate you into doing it. The other partner can give in for an easy life or because they don't feel they have any options or at the time they thought a house can be sold- its not the end of the world. I know, I spent 10 years in a house that I hated.
It was Scotland if you made an offer that was it you'd bought it. The property market was hot, houses were being sold in a week. I was in one city, DH was up there and we had missed out on 4 other houses in the area despite having forked out £700 for a survey on each property like you had to at the time. We saw this house, it was perfect area but I had issues from the description- bad layout, perhaps dated, windows looked shot and pretty much said if these are issues don't buy it. DH went, said it was amazing- no work, perfect etc. No camera phones in those days.So we paid for the survey and we ended up winning the bidding war. I went to see it and I came out and cried all the way back to our rental. I fucking hated I. It needed so much work done to it, it was dark and gloomy and smelt funny. The layout was atrocious and couldn't be fixed. Turned out he'd bought it because it had a double garage. A rare thing in Edinburgh but still. I pulled myself together and said well we'll stay here do it up and move. He refused point blank to move until 10 years later and only for his convenience. That house depressed me every day it was like my soul lifted when we left. I should've left him. You need to move. Somehow.

dottiedodah · 27/08/2019 10:41

I feel for you but sadly not everyone lives in their "dream home "!.Sometimes Circumstances dictate what we can afford at that particular time.No one has a Crystal Ball really ,to see if they held on for a year or two prices would increase/decrease.Can you maybe make some changes : Conservatory /Porch maybe .Some new doors for the kitchen .Fresh coat of paint?.Home is obviously very important but its still just a house at the end of the day .Maybe you could look into a sideways move ?Same sort of price but a little more to your liking?.Sometimes its esy to blame your OH bit often we need to take some responsiblity too.Can you talk to DH and explain to him now you feel?.If it is a case of feeling squashed by his manner of doing things this needs going through maybe with a Marriage Counsellor?

Applejack5 · 27/08/2019 10:41

I can understand you just wanted to move out, but you know it was ultimately a joint decision to buy and you could've said no to buying the house.

Your husband was unreasonable pressuring you like that, but if I were you I wouldn't have put up with it.

OneRingToRuleThemAll · 27/08/2019 10:41

Have you had your place valued recently? Even if the value is the same as 11 years ago, with all those years of mortgage payment you surely have a fair chunk of equity.

I too bought in 2008. A flat I hated but felt it would be now or never. I'm still here, but having recently had it valued, I was pleasantly surprised at the equity we have.

dollydaydream114 · 27/08/2019 10:45

I don't think it's actually the house that's the problem here. It's the fact that you're married to someone who doesn't give a shit about your feelings or opinions, even on the biggest decisions you will ever make in your life.

Oliversmumsarmy · 27/08/2019 10:52

Why move in it.

Is your name on the mortgage/deeds or was this all about his family

Why are you pooling your money to pay for his mistake.

I would have with held any money from the start because it was his choice.

He wanted the house then he can pay for it

Loubylouchirino · 27/08/2019 10:56

I had similar with my now ex husband when we moved to the house I live in now. I saw one that was perfect, he said a categoric no with no reasoning at all. We looked round this one, I hated it from the minute I walked in. The layout isn’t great, some rooms are huge and some are so tiny that it was a struggle to use them for anything, we needed 4 bedrooms and it had 3, it was rundown and needed work. He then put pressure on me to agree to putting an offer in, which I didn’t want to do for the reasons above. In the end, he just put an offer in anyway which was accepted. I hated it all along and it needed so much work doing to it that we couldn’t afford (and definitely can’t afford now). He then had an affair and left me 18 months later. The affair was ‘brewing’ while we were looking at houses which probably didn’t help. I still live in the house because I can’t get a mortgage elsewhere as he left me in a VERY precarious financial situation. I’ve since remarried and it’s only since I’ve been with my current husband that I’ve thawed towards the house. I still really resent my ex for effectively forcing me to buy a house that I hated though.

LightsInOtherPeoplesHouses · 27/08/2019 11:04

Why can't you sell?

It sounds like they might have negative equity:

"Over the years a couple of houses on the same street have been sold for a lot less than what we paid for as I had predicted."

I'm sorry OP, it's a shitty position to be in. How does your DH react when you bring it up?

LightsInOtherPeoplesHouses · 27/08/2019 11:05

Have you had your place valued recently? Even if the value is the same as 11 years ago, with all those years of mortgage payment you surely have a fair chunk of equity.

Some places haven't recovered yet and if they overpaid at the time...

WhyBirdStop · 27/08/2019 11:06

Where on earth did you buy and how much over the odds did you pay to still be in negative equity eleven years later? There have been a giant property crash, they're was a bit of a dip in the few years after you bought but that's recovered. You might not make money but you should be able to get back what you paid.
You won't move pay this until you accept two things, the first that you had a role to play , he didn't want to buy and you forced the issue so he gave you an ultimatum this house or none. At that point you should've said none, and I don't understand why you didn't if you wanted to wait another to years to buy (why were you even dragging him to viewings?). The second that your relationship sounds very unhealthy, you trying to force him to do things he doesn't want, him giving odd ultimatums, you resenting him for a decade, him seemingly oblivious or not caring.
So now you have choices, you own half of that house so legally you can force a sale, your marksheet might not survive that, but do you really want it to anyway?

isabellerossignol · 27/08/2019 11:21

Where on earth did you buy and how much over the odds did you pay to still be in negative equity eleven years later?

It might be N Ireland. My house is worth about £100k less than it was in 2007. Doesn't matter to me because I bought a few years earlier and was never in negative equity, but I certainly know a few people who were much younger, panicked about the rising prices and bought a small starter home for maybe £200,000 only to find themselves stuck there all these years later in a house worth considerably less than that.

DungeonDweller · 27/08/2019 11:27

@isabellerossignol 100k?!
Had no idea some areas of the UK were still so badly hit. Wow. Thought most areas had recovered by now!

CatteStreet · 27/08/2019 11:44

It sounds as if his family is the common factor in this. You were living with his parents, it was 'beyond unbearable' for you but he didn't want to move out. Then he insisted on buying a house near his family. Does he put his family first (above you) in other areas of your lives? Do you have children?

In your position I'd have moved out alone rather than going along with this house purchase, but that horse has bolted and you are in the position you are in now.

Weezol · 27/08/2019 11:46

The N East and N West, NI and parts of Wales took a hammering. Rapidly followed by recession and compounded by austerity. A lot of the country is screwed - you can get a 3 bed semi for less than 85k round here. You can't get a dentist, massive NHS waiting lists, shortage of school places and a lot of minimum wage zero hours work, so it might as well be 850k for a lot of people.

WhyBirdStop · 27/08/2019 11:52

@isabellerossignol oh wow I didn't realise NI had been hit so badly

Original poster

Odd1 · 27/08/2019 12:08

dollydaydream114 yes that's exactly how I feel. Like he doesn't give a shit about me for not listening to what I wanted.

In the early years when I spoke to him about the house he would shut me down and refuse to speak about it. I was very very naive and regret never standing up to him. It's all easy saying you should have been assertive/ stood your ground/ walked out. If everyone was like that noone would be in shitty marriages / crap situations. We're not all full of high self esteem and confidence.

OP posts:

steff13 · 27/08/2019 12:28

I don't understand this. You wanted to wait to buy, and he didn't want to look, how did you end up buying a house? It didn't seem like like either of you wanted to buy at the time you did.

lemonyellowtangerine · 27/08/2019 12:33

It isn't helpful to pick on her, rightly or wrongly she agreed to this house because she was desperate - it seemed the least-worst option at the time.

Agree. It's just people making themselves feel superior by kicking someone else.

gamesanddaisychains · 27/08/2019 12:48

lemonyellowtangerine

It isn't helpful to pick on her, rightly or wrongly she agreed to this house because she was desperate - it seemed the least-worst option at the time.

I agree with you. Once OP explained they were living with her in laws where she was desperately unhappy, I understood.

We moved in with my DH's parents for a short term only (3 months) between selling one house and moving into the next. I agreed to this arrangement as I got on well with PIL, we lived in different parts of the country and stayed with each other a few times a year.

Visiting and living with are not the same - longest 3 months of my life - and I knew there was an end in sight.

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