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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not get over that dh never gave me a say on which house we bought..

89 replies

Odd1 · 27/08/2019 09:16

We were in the process of looking for a house together. It was the back in 2008 when house prices were going crazy. I told him we should wait a year or two before we bought as prices would probably go down a bit. He wasn't really interested in buying a house and I had to drag him to viewings reluctantly.

A house then came up for sale near his brothers house. It was expensive for what it was. The house itself I very much disliked. The size and layout is just crap. So many things I hated about - eg no entrance hallway, no Garden, small awkward shaped rooms, no parking at the front- only back street- I could go on! It basically had everything I didn't want in a house.

He said this was the house that we would buy. It was this or nothing. It would be convenient for him and his family if we all lived near each other- the rest of his family live close by too.

Fast forward all these years and I still cannot enjoy living here. I hate it even more. We haven't even been able to decorate some of the rooms yet. We've been skint ever since buying it trying to pay off the mortgage. Over the years a couple of houses on the same street have been sold for a lot less than what we paid for as I had predicted.

I just can't seem to make peace and enjoy living here. I've had arguments and tears about it over the years but we really can't move now. I feel a sense of sadness for me when I see friends/ family couples excitedly buying their homes together with each others needs/ opinions in mind. i never got that. He thought about what his family wanted not me.

It's happened such a long time ago but I still can't seem to get over it. I don't know how to. All I want to do is move away and start afresh and not even want dh to have any input because he never let me.

OP posts:
ChicCroissant · 27/08/2019 09:48

No way is this about the house! It must be something else. 11 years on and you are blaming a property purchase for problems in your marriage?

Whatever the real reason is, it can only be fixed by dealing with it directly, not blaming a house purchase.

SunniDay · 27/08/2019 09:49

Hi,
Not taking your opinion into account when choosing a house is terrible but I also think your partner is getting the blame for things that are not his fault.

You suggest you predicted prices falling so why did you "drag him to viewings reluctantly"? Why were you taking him to view houses that you didn't want to buy as you thought prices would fall? It sounds like you blame him for prices falling and you not having a fat lump of equity to move with?

I think in reality you did not know prices would fall. You thought perhaps they might fall - or perhaps they might not. So you viewed houses. You bought one. Not your choice of house and that was unfair. But it is not your husband's fault that there was then a world financial crash and your house has, after all this time, not recovered it's value. Lots of people have suffered with the same.

We bought in 2007. Our house has only just recovered it's value. It has been rented out for years on and off while we rent elsewhere. Not once has my husband ever blamed me for driving house buying before the financial crash. Life happens. Your partner could just as easily blame you for dragging him to viewing and say that if you didn't push him at the time you could have bought when the market fell in 2009. This is also true. Accept that life happens and plan what you are going to do with your life now rather than dwell on what happened 10+ years ago.

BarbariansMum · 27/08/2019 09:51

I think you should start by taking responsibility for the part you played in purchasing this house. You wanted to buy together and you agreed to the purchase against your better judgement. Own it.

berlinbabylon · 27/08/2019 09:51

This happened to my mother too - back in 1974! Fortunately she only had to live with the house for a year. The house itself was lovely but in the middle of nowhere with no pavements on a country lane and I was 2 and she didn't have a car. They were going to buy something else, were very close to exchanging contracts and then my dad went to a house auction and bought the out in the sticks house. It was absolutely illustrative of his control freakery.

Cherrysoup · 27/08/2019 09:53

Why did you sign the paperwork? If I hated the house, I’d say so at the start.

shithappens123 · 27/08/2019 09:54

OP may I ask, what is about the house that you hate? Bad energies? I only ask because I hated my first marital home even though I picked it! I always felt uncomfortable for no reason and I can’t understand why

zonkin · 27/08/2019 09:56

You say you wanted to wait a year or two before buying a house but you were dragging him to viewings even though he wasn't interested. Why were you viewing houses when you didn't want to buy for a year or two? It doesn't make sense.

You wanted to wait to buy a house (despite going to viewings), he didn't want to buy a house, and then you end up buying an overpriced house that you dislike and are now stuck in due to negative equity.

Did you get the property independently valued given you were so worried about house prices falling?

lovelookslikethis · 27/08/2019 09:56

My advice to you: move house. Not next year or in a few years but now.
Talk to your dh, explain the deep unhappiness you feel. The complete lack of joy the house brings you, and you no longer wish to live theee. The house belongs to you too, and you have the right to sell it and find somewhere you love. Move!!

gamesanddaisychains · 27/08/2019 09:57

When he said it was either this house or nothing, I think I would have jumped on that and said , "it's nothing then". After all you were willing to wait a couple of years before buying anyway and there may have been something more suitable become available in an area acceptable for both of you. But it is easy for me to say that when I'm not involved, and I am sure you have thought that yourself over the years.

I voted YANBU, because I think at the time you felt backed into a corner over buying. It is a really sad thing to be living in a house you hate, which doesn't feel like home and costs a lot both monetary and emotionally, and I fully understand your resentment.

Original poster
Odd1 · 27/08/2019 09:57

The value of the house I wouldn't even care about if I was happy with rhe house but it's just another negative thing about this whole thing.

The reason I was so desparate to move was because we were living with his parents which was beyond unbearable We went to rental viewings and properties to buy.

I guess there are other more deeper issues that are in the marriage but it's this house thing that just makes me so bitter every now and again.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 27/08/2019 09:57

Why did you sign it though? You should look into some assertiveness classes op. Wow.

Idontwanttotalk · 27/08/2019 09:59

YABU. You had a choice in 2008 and you moved into the home he'd decided on. If you really didn't like it then you shouldn't have moved into it.

If the house/mortgage is in both your names then you have been even more stupid in signing up for something you didn't want.

Your marriage cannot be a good one if you have a relationship where your 'dh' dictates what is going to happen and you just capitulate.

You are responsible for your life and your life choices. If you don't like something about it then you need to change those aspects.

I doubt the house was greatly over-priced when bought in 2008. Mortgage companies value homes specifically to ensure their investment is safe. They will not lend you all the money if they consider it to be over-valued. It is more likely that market conditions have affected sales values.

So, you need to either stay put, jointly decide to sell the house and buy another together (that you both decide on) or you need to just leave.

You have 3 choices and each choice is yours to make.

You might benefit from having some sort of counselling/therapy to increase your assertiveness.

ChuckleBuckles · 27/08/2019 10:00

How involved are his family in all your decisions OP? Moving from his parents to his brothers street, it sounds claustrophobic, even if they are lovely people a bit of space can be nice.

Iminagony · 27/08/2019 10:00

You said you wanted to wait to buy a house but were dragging him to viewings. Doesn't sound like you knew what you wanted.

But obviously he wasn't right to buy a house you hated without input from you. Had you expressed your dislike before buying? Did he buy the house solely in his name or is it a joint mortgage?

If it's joint, you had every opportunity to not purchase it, you would have had to actively participate in the purchase, as you would have had to sign all the documents to purchase it.

It sounds to me like you are annoyed at yourself, for going along with it all, as much as dh for wanting and buying that house.

But regardless of all that, you can't change the past. Arguments and tears won't help either. Sounds like you and your dh have bugger problems.

Maybe you could try counselling to help you figure out how to accept this and move past it.

Also maybe you could afford some cheap redecorating for some of those rooms. I've seen people do geometric walls with paint tester pots for example. There are loads of tips and videos online for making little changes cheaply. Tile paint if you hate the bathroom, that kind of thing.

zonkin · 27/08/2019 10:01

When you talk to your DH about the house and this whole issue, what is his response?

KeepStill · 27/08/2019 10:02

But if you were also looking at rentals, why didn't you just rent, as a way of moving out of his parents' house? Instead you ended up with one of you buying a house when he didn't want to buy a house, and the other one of you buying a house she hated and hates. No one got what they wanted.

lemonyellowtangerine · 27/08/2019 10:06

Do you mean move out alone or together?

sanityisamyth · 27/08/2019 10:06

My now ExH put an offer in on the house that "we" eventually bought. I'd never even seen it. I didn't even know which town it was in.

I still own that fucking house. I can't seem to sell it. Been trying to get rid of it for 4 years.

He got away lightly by just signing it over to me in the divorce. I hated the house and always have.

Make sure that you buy a house that you actually want OP. It's a very expensive mistake if you don't.

Walkingthedog46 · 27/08/2019 10:07

Resentment festers! When we bought our first house there was absolutely nothing worth having on the market. We originally turned our house down as there was a lot we didn’t like about it. However, we wanted to move out of rented ASAP so we went ahead with the purchase because in my mind we would only be there a couple of years before we moved to something better. Unfortunately, unbeknown to me my husband saw this as a one- purchase and refused ever to move. The very frequent rows over his refusal to move over the years certainly took its toll on our marriage.

lemonyellowtangerine · 27/08/2019 10:10

Unless we have a time machine to offer the op I'm not sure how it's helpful to make suggestions on alternative paths she could have pursued eleven years ago.

What would you hope for life to look like going forward, op? Forget about practical constraints and the "how", what do you want life to look like in five years? Where would you be living? Who would be with you there? What would you be doing? What would be important to you? What would bring you joy?

Then work backwards and do the problem solving and compromising to get as close to that picture as you can.

Original poster
Odd1 · 27/08/2019 10:14

lemonyellowtangerine Thanks that's a really useful suggestion. I think if I have some control of what the future looks like then I will be able to move on

OP posts:
tobypercy · 27/08/2019 10:15

But... why were you dragging him to view houses when you thought you shouldn't buy until prices go down? Clearly you shouldn't have been forced into buying the house, but it sounds like you started the process.

supersop60 · 27/08/2019 10:16

I voted YANBU because I have been in a similar situation. I got railroaded into buying a property abroad, which then made us very broke. I felt resentment to my DP for years, but I had to admit to myself that I chose to sign the papers (he convinced me it was a good idea at the time).
With us, it was a symptom of something deeper - him being bossy controlling and not taking my opinions or feelings into account.
I have got better at asserting myself, and the foreign property is now up for sale.
OP, you feel that you had no choice, and I get that, even though you actually did - however impossible it might have seemed at the time.
Now start planning what you are going to do about it. Get counselling if you can, and decide what is best for you, moving forward. (I hate that phrase)

KeepStill · 27/08/2019 10:16

Unless we have a time machine to offer the op I'm not sure how it's helpful to make suggestions on alternative paths she could have pursued eleven years ago.

Because she's not taking responsibility for her part in creating the situation. If she does acknowledge that the far from ideal situation happened with her participation she was not forced to sign the mortgage forms at gunpoint it might help her take ownership of the situation and move forward from her current fug of resentment and regret.

ChicCroissant · 27/08/2019 10:19

There are people for whom anything they don't like is never their fault, never down to their own actions and you are coming across like that, OP. You signed the paperwork, you bought the house - it's not entirely down to your DH. It's not his fault you are not happy.

I doubt changing the house or where you live will make you happy either. It might be easier to blame the house/your DH than face up to the real problem, but only working on the real issue will make you happy in the end.