To not get over that dh never gave me a say on which house we bought..

[Odd1]

We were in the process of looking for a house together. It was the back in 2008 when house prices were going crazy. I told him we should wait a year or two before we bought as prices would probably go down a bit. He wasn't really interested in buying a house and I had to drag him to viewings reluctantly.

A house then came up for sale near his brothers house. It was expensive for what it was. The house itself I very much disliked. The size and layout is just crap. So many things I hated about - eg no entrance hallway, no Garden, small awkward shaped rooms, no parking at the front- only back street- I could go on! It basically had everything I didn't want in a house.

He said this was the house that we would buy. It was this or nothing. It would be convenient for him and his family if we all lived near each other- the rest of his family live close by too.

Fast forward all these years and I still cannot enjoy living here. I hate it even more. We haven't even been able to decorate some of the rooms yet. We've been skint ever since buying it trying to pay off the mortgage. Over the years a couple of houses on the same street have been sold for a lot less than what we paid for as I had predicted.

I just can't seem to make peace and enjoy living here. I've had arguments and tears about it over the years but we really can't move now. I feel a sense of sadness for me when I see friends/ family couples excitedly buying their homes together with each others needs/ opinions in mind. i never got that. He thought about what his family wanted not me.

It's happened such a long time ago but I still can't seem to get over it. I don't know how to. All I want to do is move away and start afresh and not even want dh to have any input because he never let me.

I think people are questioning the OP because she seems to hold her DH wholly responsible for buying the house, particularly when she thought they should wait a year or two. But then in the same post she says that she was the one who wanted to buy a house and was viewing houses and dragging her reluctant DH along to look at them. So in that case, wasn't it her who was pushing DH into something he didn't want?

Yes, he shouldn't have bought the house against her wishes. But given the info about her dragging him around to view houses, I wonder what his side of the story is. Did she say anything at the time? Either she wanted to buy a house or she didn't. It doesn't make sense to me.

Clearly, there is a lot going on in this relationship other than just the house purchase issue. There are ways out of the situation, as PPs have pointed out.

To hold onto this issue so bitterly for 11 years cannot make for a healthy relationship.

It's just people making themselves feel superior by kicking someone else.

Or it's a way of attempting to get the OP to recognise that she in fact helped to create the situation, and that, while it's obvious there's a complex dynamic going on in the relationship of which the house purchase is just an example, there are ways of moving forward.

But those are probably not going to involve her DH suddenly striking his forehead with his hand and crying 'You never liked this house and I was wrong to push you into buying it! Let's move!' She will have to decide what to do.

Was your name on the mortgage? You said you pay for it but didn't say if you're on the paperwork.
If you are on the mortgage why did you sign it? If you felt that strongly why didn't you refuse to move in? Is he abusive?

@Mummyshark2018
If you felt that strongly why didn't you refuse to move in? Is he abusive?

This is why OP felt she had to move, she was desperately unhappy living with her inlaws:

The reason I was so desparate to move was because we were living with his parents which was beyond unbearable We went to rental viewings and properties to buy.

No matter what happened when you bought the house, it’s what you do now that’s going to affect how you feel in the future. I think perhaps you need to let go of the resentment—I know it’s hard when you feel you’ve been put in a difficult situation, but as others have said you also have some responsibility for that.

Instead of dwelling on the perfect imaginary home you might have bought (which clearly wasn’t available or you would both have chosen it), think what this house does give you. For instance, you could still be with your in-laws! Also, although it has features you dislike, what are its good points? A lot of your dissatisfaction seems to come from positive “what might have been” thoughts. Imagine some negative “might have beens” to balance them out and help you see the good in your home.

This is why OP felt she had to move, she was desperately unhappy living with her inlaws

But she also said that she wanted to wait a couple of years to buy, and that she had to drag her husband to viewings, so he didn't seem to eager to buy as well. I think that's what people are questioning, those things are inconsistent.

As others have asked.
If you didn't think you should buy for a couple of years why were you forcing him to look at houses.
When he said its this one or nothing. Why not say 'that suits me because I don't want to buy for a few years'!
If you agreed to buy it and signed the papers then you as an adult are responsible for your own actions.

It doesn’t matter if you move or not. As long as you live with a husband who doesn’t take your needs into account, who puts his family first, you’re going to be unhappy because it’s not just about the house. If you’re still “mad” at him about the house, and the vote shows almost 600 people think YANBU, then it’s more than the house and buying another won’t fix it. Many people have recommended you move. I recommend you start therapy to determine if, when you move, you want to take your husband with you.

Can you cut down a little on outgoings for a few weeks and put some paint on the walls of the rooms you haven't decorated yet? It is amazing how a bit of paint can lift the mood of a room. I know it won't be ideal but it might make you enjoy it a little more and if you plan to move at some point it will be better if freshly decorated. Even if you can't recarpet at least freshen it up.

11 years is a long time to stew, I think there must be something else eating away at you and not a decade old decision.

I don’t understand why if you did not want to buy a house, you were dragging your DH to viewings? That’s contradictory behaviour.
You don’t want a house. You wanted to wait a year or two
But at the same time you are booking viewings and dragging your DH to them?
So, was this a house you found and then dragged DH to?
Why were you doing that?
Cannot you not see you we’re giving mixed messages?
Personally I think YABU and trying to blame DH for the economic crash that lowered your home value, trapping you both in upside down mortgage.

Moving out of in laws house is no excuse. Since you were able to buy a house, you could definitely have afforded to privately rent for a few years.

OP, are you struggling in general with trying to take control of, and accept responsibility for, your life? I think the house is symbolic of something else, and I'm wondering whether you're angry at yourself as much as your husband because you have been complicit in creating the situation in which you now find yourself.

OP, I see that you initially lived with your in-laws and then your DH would only purchase a house that was right by his brothers house. Are there cultural elements here? If so, the house isn’t your issue.