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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider having a baby in these circumstances?

84 replies

SnappyTurtle · 27/08/2019 08:36

I have a child with my ex partner. We still get on really well, see him most days. He works night shifts so he picks our little boy up from nursery and I pick him up from his after I finish work. Everything works well between us, we go on occasional days out together as a family of sorts and still attend family events on both sides together.

We were talking last week and ended up talking about whether either of us would have more kids. I said I would have liked one more if we’d have stayed together but I wasn’t sure about having kids with someone else because I wouldn’t want them to be split up for birthdays/Christmas etc (I know plenty of people make that work and it’s not meant to sound judgemental just my personal feelings).

Anyway he ended up saying he would like to have another child together if that was what I wanted. Am I being really stupid to think about doing this?

I guess my aibu is that I would be bringing a child into something that’s already broken, would it be unfair to do that to them? And would it be unfair to the child we already have if it all went wrong and changed the relationship we have together now?

I’m also a bit concerned that if I got pregnant and he met someone else, what would happen. I know he wouldn’t leave me to look after the baby by myself, he’s a great dad and I’m fairly sure from how he treats our boy that he would put the kids first. But it would change things if that happened.

Also what would happen the first few months. If I was breastfeeding I wouldn’t want the baby to stay overnight at his house without me so I’m not sure how we’d work that? I’d be happy for him to stay at my house a couple of nights a week but does that confuse things too much? And again what would happen if he met someone else?

Sorry that ended up being so long. Happy to hear any thoughts. I’m 37 so kind of feel like this is my last chance to have another baby, I don’t feel like I’d have time to meet someone else and spend enough time with them to know if I’d want a child with them before it was too late which I think is making me lean towards doing this.

OP posts:
ShippingNews · 27/08/2019 08:44

I would. It sounds as if he is a really nice guy and a good father to your DC. I'm sure he'd be the same with another child. I'd go for it in your position.

Your concerns are valid of course - but it's still doable. The breastfeeding thing wouldn't last forever , and he could still see the baby .

The idea that he might meet someone else is a possibility , but since you already have one child with him, it wouldn't be a big stretch if there were two children. His new partner would just have to accept his children, as we all do when we meet someone with kids.

There are always "what ifs" with any relationship, but in this situation I'd say go for it.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 27/08/2019 08:47

No I wouldn’t. It’s not fair on the child to be knowingly born into a split family just because of adult wants.

If you were going to make another go of it that would be very different but things obviously aren’t all rosy and light or you would still be in a relationship together.

Skittlenommer · 27/08/2019 09:17

Am I being really stupid to think about doing this?

Yes!!

FloatingObject · 27/08/2019 09:21

I would. Many women these days are going it alone. I don't see how this is different.

welshsoph · 27/08/2019 09:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CeeCee88 · 27/08/2019 09:24

I can somehow see both good and bad things about this.

If you were willing to give you as a family another shot, then absolutely go for it.

However if you have no intention of trying with each other as a romantic couple again, I wouldn't do it.

How would you explain to your child how they came into this world?

Would you really want to sleep with somebody for potential months and months for the sake of a child? That just doesn't sound right.

FilthyforFirth · 27/08/2019 09:24

What is the reason you split up and is there any chance of reconciliation? I understand why you want to do this, I also wouldnt have children with different dads, but unless you are getting back together I wouldnt. Too confusing for the existing child and unfair on the new one.

PurpleDaisies · 27/08/2019 09:26

Terrible idea.

VLCDoingIt · 27/08/2019 09:30

Go for it.

Many women do it alone these days.

If he pissed off completely would you be happy bringing 2 kids up alone. If yes do it. If no, don't.

And its not like you're bringing a kid J to an awful situation of arguments and abuse.

You all sound pretty chill and involved

Not every family is like the Waltons.

BinkyBaa · 27/08/2019 09:45

I think it depends on why you split up. If we're talking something fairly amicable like a mutual loss of attraction/better off as friends then YANBU. Some families are unconventional and if you can make it work as two good friends having kids together and maybe seeing other people theres nothing wrong with that.

If you split over something more serious or vitriolic, I'd probably say YABU though.

Original poster
SnappyTurtle · 27/08/2019 09:49

I don’t think we would ever get back together. That’s what concerns me most, knowing I’d be bringing a child into a split family but we don’t argue and get along fine so it’s not a completely terrible situation. They’d also have a brother whose in the same position so I don’t know if that makes things better or I’m just trying to convince myself about it! We split up when he was 1.5 so I don’t think he’d really remember us living together that much so it’d be kind of similar?

I’m worried about the impact it’d have on our son too, fully aware a new baby and especially trying to find a way that works for us while not being together has the potential to change things as they are now and I don’t want him stuck in the middle of it.

I don’t think having sex would be a problem. We have talked about that and think we feel the same about that. I still care about him so don’t feel put off at the thought of having sex with him and I think he feels the same about me. We’d both be going into it knowing what it was going to be and what we expect so I think it’d be ok?

I know how he felt about kids before we had our son and see how he is with him so I’m as sure as I can be that he wouldn’t leave me with 2 kids on my own. I’m not worried about that part of it.

OP posts:
Bezalelle · 27/08/2019 09:50

Go for it!

aLilNonnyMouse · 27/08/2019 09:51

I'd happily do that. You already know that the two of you can co-parent well together.

Original poster
SnappyTurtle · 27/08/2019 09:53

@BinkyBaa we didn’t split up over anything serious. It just stopped working, we grew apart really and get on really well as friends since we split up. I don’t think either of us wants to try again because it wasn’t working before and I don’t see what would be different if we were to get back together. Plus I don’t want to put my son in a couple confusing situation of us being apart, together and potentially splitting up again.

Though i am aware it’s probably going to be confusing and different for him having a new baby too!

OP posts:
Ragwort · 27/08/2019 09:53

What a selfish idea, you are just having a child because you 'want' one. I know it's an old fashioned view, but I really believe a child should be raised by two parents who really hope to stay together and provide a home together for their child(ren). I know death/divorce can happen but to deliberately have a child in these circumstances seems to me that you want a child as an 'accessory'. And how would you honestly explain to the child why he/she doesn't live their father?

I would love to hear from adult children born to single women and what their views are?

MrsBungle · 27/08/2019 09:53

I’d do it!

MagicMojito · 27/08/2019 10:00

Tbh if you were you, I'd go for it. The old model of a family unit has changed. They literally all come in all shapes and sizes and yours would be 2 parents that love their children.
I personally don't believe whether you romantically love each other really comes into it 🤷

Herefortheduration · 27/08/2019 10:02

What a quandary, I can see both sides and understand the reasons for saying no.
I think I'll go with yes, do it. You're a stable family, even if it isn't in the traditional way. Both parents are committed to the family and have a good relationship. I think you need to talk more about the 'what ifs' and express clearly what you each expect.

MamaOomMowWow · 27/08/2019 10:02

No I wouldn’t. It’s not fair on the child to be knowingly born into a split family just because of adult wants.

This. Also it's bound to be confusing to your existing DS who might think you are getting back together and have his hopes raised.

Mumshappy · 27/08/2019 10:04

I would only do this if you would be happy to have
two children that you may have to bring up solo. Circumstances and people change.

Polyjuice · 27/08/2019 10:06

So long as you are prepared that his situation, commitment and attitude may well change when he meets someone else. It may not (hopefully) but I have heard countless stories where it has. I would be going into it prepared to go it alone in case that comes about. Also, with one child it is much easier for you to pick up your life again and move on. It will not be so easy with 2, and one so young. I’d weigh it all up carefully.

MagicMojito · 27/08/2019 10:07

Ragwort- I respect that's how you think a child should be brought into the world ideally, but to say OP views a baby as an accessory is a bit off to me, sorry. OP is already a mother and she fully well knows all of the feelings and lifelong responsibilities that come along with a child. All the normal, well thought out arguments of wanting a second child still exist regardless of her relationship status imo.

formerbabe · 27/08/2019 10:11

It's not a bad idea.

Probably a safer bet than waiting to meet someone else, who may or may not end up being a good dad and then having the complication of two separate fathers to deal with.

How is it any different to if you'd have had two kids anyway with your ex, then split up?

happycamper11 · 27/08/2019 10:15

Your situation sounds far less 'broken' than many marriages and families I know. I'd go for it, sounds like you have a great and stable system going

Carouselfish · 27/08/2019 10:16

Hi OP. Same position and age as you for first 3 years of dc life. Then he decided he was madly in love with me while on holiday together. I resisted and went on several dates with other people. Realised that it would be too sad not to have the family unit we'd created just for sake of meeting someone I was more attracted to but who was potentially not as mad about me or easy going or kind. It works well. It's not the major butterflies of crazy passion, but Ive had that before and it doesn't last or necessarily make for a happy life. We are going to have DC number two next year.