To consider having a baby in these circumstances?

[SnappyTurtle]

I have a child with my ex partner. We still get on really well, see him most days. He works night shifts so he picks our little boy up from nursery and I pick him up from his after I finish work. Everything works well between us, we go on occasional days out together as a family of sorts and still attend family events on both sides together.

We were talking last week and ended up talking about whether either of us would have more kids. I said I would have liked one more if we’d have stayed together but I wasn’t sure about having kids with someone else because I wouldn’t want them to be split up for birthdays/Christmas etc (I know plenty of people make that work and it’s not meant to sound judgemental just my personal feelings).

Anyway he ended up saying he would like to have another child together if that was what I wanted. Am I being really stupid to think about doing this?

I guess my aibu is that I would be bringing a child into something that’s already broken, would it be unfair to do that to them? And would it be unfair to the child we already have if it all went wrong and changed the relationship we have together now?

I’m also a bit concerned that if I got pregnant and he met someone else, what would happen. I know he wouldn’t leave me to look after the baby by myself, he’s a great dad and I’m fairly sure from how he treats our boy that he would put the kids first. But it would change things if that happened.

Also what would happen the first few months. If I was breastfeeding I wouldn’t want the baby to stay overnight at his house without me so I’m not sure how we’d work that? I’d be happy for him to stay at my house a couple of nights a week but does that confuse things too much? And again what would happen if he met someone else?

Sorry that ended up being so long. Happy to hear any thoughts. I’m 37 so kind of feel like this is my last chance to have another baby, I don’t feel like I’d have time to meet someone else and spend enough time with them to know if I’d want a child with them before it was too late which I think is making me lean towards doing this.

You sound like great parents and mature enough to stay friends for the sake of your child. There’s plenty of posts you see on here where parents are together and the father doesn’t do fuckall.
I would in your situation, especially if you really want another child.

No, I wouldn’t. I’d rather have a second child with someone I actually loved than have one for the sake of keeping up appearances in a dead relationship.

So you get along great and you don't mind the idea of having sex with him for potentially many months. What makes you not willing to be a couple? You'll definitely be acting like one during that time.

Something else you need to consider is what may change when he meets someone else. I'm not saying dont, but do remember that the arrangements you have now are unlikely to last for the next 20 years.

Probably not the greatest idea, but not the worst. On balance, I'd rather have all of my children be full siblings.

I honestly don't see the difference between being born into a loving nuclear family and an equally loving family where the parents are not together romantically.

Coming from a pretty broken home myself, I'm grateful that my siblings and I share the same dad as I'd hate for us to be separated on occasions like Christmas. But the standout memory of my childhood is my parents being very unhappy and arguing constantly. If you've a chance to have your own family and avoid the unhappy relationship part then go for it.
(As a side note, there's absolutely nothing wrong with having children by different fathers, it's just not the experience I had).

I'm also baffled at pp's views that children are only legitimate members of the family if the mother and father are in a relationship!? Are children an 'accessory' if a woman decides to adopt, or use sperm donation? What you really mean by old fashioned views is that no one gas any place or purpose without a man present to legitimise it

And to say that children shouldn't be brought into the world just because of adult wants what alternative is there!? Are (planned) children not conceived after a decision made by adults based on what they want?

OP, I wouldn't say you are old or running out of time at 37. But you know this man and yourself better than anyone could guess here. If you think it could work then try and don't listen to naysayers here who think that we all need husbands to be valid people!

Honestly I think it would far more reckless to plan a baby with a relatively new unproven partner than with someone that you know you can co parent with and who is a good dad.
I also agree that I would prefer my children to be full siblings if possible.
I'd say go for it!

Do it! Ignore anyone with an old fashioned opinion. Times have changed.

At your (and my) age I would provided I was happy with the outcome of a proper discussion about it so you can both air all of your concerns.

It’s not ideal but life isn’t is it? It we all waited for the white picket fence and Prince Charming riding in on a white horse the human race would have died out long ago.

@whattodowith I do love him, I care about him a lot but I don’t love him in a romantic sense, I love him because we’ve been through a lot together, because I see the way he cares about our son and because he’s still been there for me even though he doesn’t have to be now. It’s more like a deep friendship love than how you would love a partner.

I’m not wanting a child to keep up the pretence of a relationship, everyone in our families knows we aren’t together. We haven’t been in relationship for about a year and a half so there’s definitely no pretence about anything.

I’m not wanting a child as an accessory either. What do you think I’m going to do, parade them around on family days out then not bother? I want a child for the same reasons anyone else would want a child. And I’d be choosing to have a child with someone who I know would love and care about them as much as I would. The circumstances aren’t ideal, I know that and that’s why I’m not jumping into doing it without thinking long and hard about it first. I’m worried about the impact on my son and on a new baby if it were to happen and wouldn’t do it if I thought it would damage my son in any way so I don’t feel like I’m being selfish to at least think about it and ask for some opinions.

And to say that children shouldn't be brought into the world just because of adult wants what alternative is there!? Are (planned) children not conceived after a decision made by adults based on what they want?

Ideally IMO it should adult wants but also by adults knowing that they have the ability to offer their child a decent life. It would be silly to deliberately try for a child knowing, for example, that you don't have enough money to make ends meet.

I personally wouldn't have a child if I knew that I would not stay together with their father. All the children I know and have known whose parents are divorced have been pretty miserable about it. Obviously, one can never say with certainty that any relationship won't end in divorce, but I personally wouldn't have a child unless I was pretty confident that I was in a stable, loving and committed marriage.

Have you spoken about what happens if either of you meet someone else? Any new partner probably wouldn't be comfortable doing so much together as a family or attending family events together. Also what if his new partner wanted kids and he had other commitments, how would that work?

I dont actually think there is anything wrong with your idea if the situation remained the same as now as it sounds like it works well for the kids

I would say go for it, OP. It would be lovely for your DC to have a sibling to grow up with. Good luck.

Nope - would NOT recommend pregnancy.

It sounds like you have thought about this far, far more than many people. Your first child has never known a situation where mum and dad lived together, so he hadn't had to go through a separation. From his perspective that's just how life is - Mumm and dad love him, both look after him, are nice to each other and hey, they both wanted to do it again.
The practicalities, like what happens in the first few months, what happens if one of you moved away, need to be discussed with your ex. I'd stop calling him your ex too - certainly in front of your son, ex implies failure and past, he's just nice man who is the father of your children

What if either of you meet someone while trying for the baby?

No, bad idea and very selfish. You are not thinking of the child

I’d say go for it. You both want another child, you know you work well together as parents, by the sound of it neither of you is heartbroken and looking as this as a way to get back together.
There’s risk whenever you have a child with anyone. At least you already know he’s a committed father.

Go for it. I have a close friend who had a baby with his exDW 5 years after they divorced - she was approaching 40 and was worried she wouldn’t have time to meet someone. They had IVF.

They have a loving and respectful friendship, and their DC has not had to experience their marital breakdown etc. DC is close to both sets of grandparents too.

Also, I dated this man for a while. I thought their whole family set up was wonderful and his respect for exDW was admirable. His DC was very loved and was surrounded by a family who demonstrated great kindness to each other.

What a selfish idea, you are just having a child because you 'want' one.

In fairness to OP, that is the reason for almost all planned children isn’t it? The only reason DH and I have our DD is because we wanted a child.
It sounds like if OP had a child in this situation it would be wanted by both parents, and presumably there would be lots of discussion about arrangements, childcare, impact on child, impact on sibling etc. That’s more consideration than some babies born to married parents will get.

The only worry I would have would be explaining to your child that mummy & daddy are having a baby together, but mummy lives here and daddy lives there.

Does the child understand parental separation and would it cause confusion? Would be hope/think that you're getting back together?

Think of the very early newborn days (think of all scenarios including a possible c-section) but being alone at night because your ex has left to go to his home.

@Athrawes I don’t call him my ex in front of our son, I just say dad or his name. He sees us get alone and enjoys when we do things together but is equally happy spending time with us separately so i don’t think he’s been too badly affected by anything.

@Carouselfish sorry missed your post before, I’m really glad things worked out for you both. How have you found starting up a relationship again?

People asking about what if he met someone else. We have talked a bit about that and he’s said he would put the kids first, I think I know him well enough to believe him when he says that, though it is in the back of my mind that it could change.

If he was with someone else I wouldn’t expect us to go on days out together still. I’m not looking at getting back together with him so am not expecting us to play happy families. It’s only occasionally that we do that anyway, around once every couple of months so changing from that to us spending time seperately with the children wouldn’t be a massive jump.

I Would. You sound in a better set up than many married women I know who do all the parenting. You sound like great parents. I wish you all the luck.

@AlwaysOnAbloodyDiet I am a bit worried it would be confusing for our son but it what he knows now, that we have him but live separately so I don’t really know how different it would be for him?

The newborn days would be the most difficult I agree, especially trying to sort out overnight care. He works nights, 4 on and 4 off so I was used to being on my own a bit when our son was born and he was back at work. I think we’re leaning towards him staying a couple of nights on his days off (if we ended up going ahead) but I don’t know if that would be more confusing for our son to have him stay at our house for a while.