To consider having a baby in these circumstances?

[SnappyTurtle]

I have a child with my ex partner. We still get on really well, see him most days. He works night shifts so he picks our little boy up from nursery and I pick him up from his after I finish work. Everything works well between us, we go on occasional days out together as a family of sorts and still attend family events on both sides together.

We were talking last week and ended up talking about whether either of us would have more kids. I said I would have liked one more if we’d have stayed together but I wasn’t sure about having kids with someone else because I wouldn’t want them to be split up for birthdays/Christmas etc (I know plenty of people make that work and it’s not meant to sound judgemental just my personal feelings).

Anyway he ended up saying he would like to have another child together if that was what I wanted. Am I being really stupid to think about doing this?

I guess my aibu is that I would be bringing a child into something that’s already broken, would it be unfair to do that to them? And would it be unfair to the child we already have if it all went wrong and changed the relationship we have together now?

I’m also a bit concerned that if I got pregnant and he met someone else, what would happen. I know he wouldn’t leave me to look after the baby by myself, he’s a great dad and I’m fairly sure from how he treats our boy that he would put the kids first. But it would change things if that happened.

Also what would happen the first few months. If I was breastfeeding I wouldn’t want the baby to stay overnight at his house without me so I’m not sure how we’d work that? I’d be happy for him to stay at my house a couple of nights a week but does that confuse things too much? And again what would happen if he met someone else?

Sorry that ended up being so long. Happy to hear any thoughts. I’m 37 so kind of feel like this is my last chance to have another baby, I don’t feel like I’d have time to meet someone else and spend enough time with them to know if I’d want a child with them before it was too late which I think is making me lean towards doing this.

I would, the child would have two loving and supportive parents and a sibling too. It sounds as though you have a lovely relationship with your ex, and it’s good for children to see friendship modelled between parents. My only worry would be potential emotional attachment through this process so you’d both want to be as sure as you could about your boundaries.

I'm not sure I can see any difference between doing this and any other coparenting situation (as long as you're sure that it would not impact your situation to have sex together? I would be wary about assuming that...).

If you already get on well as co parents then it doesn't seem like a bad idea: and you do get the benefit that your children will be full siblings as well as knowing that the father of the new baby is reliable.

I'm not sure why so many posters are saying that it's unfair because you know you are not with the father and don't plan to be because I don't see how that's relevant as long as all parties are committed to the arrangement with the new baby?

Oh and do think about the practical implications of you having unprotected sex with him if he is going to see anyone else as it leaves you vulnerable to STDs which is bad when you're TTC. Maybe come up with an agreement that he must use protection with other people until you have conceived?

What a selfish idea, you are just having a child because you 'want' one

Er, well that's the main reason you have a child.

The child is going to have two parents who love him / her regardless of whether they're together. I don't think it's a bad idea at all.

Have you looked into the term co-parenting op. It sounds like your situation. I don't think it's a terrible idea, there are all different make ups of families these days. If he's a good person and a good father and co parent an you both would love and want the child, why's it so bad?

Families come in all shapes and sizes and as long as children are loved and we'll card for emotionally and physically, I can't see a problem. Yes, he may meet someone else and change, but so could a current partner/husband. There's no guarantees.

If it doesn’t happen straight I don’t think it’d be a problem unless he met someone during that time.

I’ll have another talk with him about what he’d want if that was to happen. For me I think I’d want us to stop trying because I don’t want to stop him from moving on if that’s what he wants and equally don’t want to have sex with him if he was sleeping with someone else at the same time. I’m sure any potential new girlfriend wouldn’t want that either

I’ll see where he stands on that and have another talk about having sex too. Thanks everyone, I’ll think over what you’ve all said and see where things stand after I’ve talked to him more about it.

I would do it, but syringe to start and then perhaps even IUI
I think it’s a great idea to actively chose to co- parent with someone.

OP I would only do this if you are fully expecting, able and comfortable with being a single mum to two. Everything is lovely now, but your situation will change when he meets someone else, which he undoubtably will at some point. This could change things a little, or massively. You can discuss this in advance but whatever you decide now might not transpire and he may behave completely differently once he meets someone. They will have needs and wishes and he may have a baby with them. Parenting two is exponentially harder than one, especially if you work.