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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider having a baby in these circumstances?

84 replies

SnappyTurtle · 27/08/2019 08:36

I have a child with my ex partner. We still get on really well, see him most days. He works night shifts so he picks our little boy up from nursery and I pick him up from his after I finish work. Everything works well between us, we go on occasional days out together as a family of sorts and still attend family events on both sides together.

We were talking last week and ended up talking about whether either of us would have more kids. I said I would have liked one more if we’d have stayed together but I wasn’t sure about having kids with someone else because I wouldn’t want them to be split up for birthdays/Christmas etc (I know plenty of people make that work and it’s not meant to sound judgemental just my personal feelings).

Anyway he ended up saying he would like to have another child together if that was what I wanted. Am I being really stupid to think about doing this?

I guess my aibu is that I would be bringing a child into something that’s already broken, would it be unfair to do that to them? And would it be unfair to the child we already have if it all went wrong and changed the relationship we have together now?

I’m also a bit concerned that if I got pregnant and he met someone else, what would happen. I know he wouldn’t leave me to look after the baby by myself, he’s a great dad and I’m fairly sure from how he treats our boy that he would put the kids first. But it would change things if that happened.

Also what would happen the first few months. If I was breastfeeding I wouldn’t want the baby to stay overnight at his house without me so I’m not sure how we’d work that? I’d be happy for him to stay at my house a couple of nights a week but does that confuse things too much? And again what would happen if he met someone else?

Sorry that ended up being so long. Happy to hear any thoughts. I’m 37 so kind of feel like this is my last chance to have another baby, I don’t feel like I’d have time to meet someone else and spend enough time with them to know if I’d want a child with them before it was too late which I think is making me lean towards doing this.

OP posts:
Tiredmum100 · 27/08/2019 11:24

Truthfully if I was in your situation I probably would go for it. It sounds like it's a mutual decision and you're both on the same page. In your first op all the questions you listed, I'd write them down and sit down with your ex and have a lengthy discussion about how you both feel.

OpenYourEyes · 27/08/2019 11:32

I think it could work, my only reservation is that neither of you have had a new relationship yet and that has the potential to cause huge issues when it does happen.

Are you sure you are both on the same page when it comes to not wanting to get back together.

Original poster
SnappyTurtle · 27/08/2019 11:57

@OpenYourEyes yes both agree on not getting back together. We talked about it a bit and both agree it wouldn’t work for the same reasons.

Him meeting someone new is a concern. I’m fairly confident he wouldn’t put a new relationship above his kids but realise that’s not a guarantee and it could all change. I’m not at a stage where I would be looking for a relationship with anyone else, I’m either working or have our son so don’t think I’d find the time even if I wanted one!

OP posts:
LucyAutumn · 27/08/2019 11:59

I would go for it, broken family is such an aged/ black and white turn of phrase, sounds like you have a nice nurturing set up between both parents.

Sparklypurpleunicornsaremyfav · 27/08/2019 12:12

I'd say go for it

adaline · 27/08/2019 12:30

What would happen if either of you got a new partner?

I think it works now because you're both single and neither of you have anyone else making demands on your time. A new partner (on either side) could change everything.

70sWitch · 27/08/2019 12:30

I'd be careful. He SAYS he doesn't want to get back together but this suggestion has come from him. You two becoming intimate again and enlarging your family together may be the goal here for him.

Be absolutely certain you're both on the same page here before committing to this idea or someone will get hurt.

QueenOfPain · 27/08/2019 12:33

I’d do it, but like you, would want to think and talk very carefully about how it will pan out if he meets someone else. Or is he taking dating and relationships off the table while you both work on all of this?

Also, are you sure he’s not still in love with you and hoping this will spark a reunion? I’m not saying it would be a bad thing if he was, but it would need getting out on the table and talking about, as you don’t want it to be the reason he’s doing it, and have him suddenly become unreasonable when he realises you’ve no intention of getting back with him.

Also, ignore all these old fashioned people who are using your post to validate their own nuclear families.

VapeVamp12 · 27/08/2019 12:38

What a selfish idea, you are just having a child because you 'want' one.

As opposed to what reason which is completely selfless??

wlucy · 27/08/2019 12:47

I'de go for it.
My (split up) parents had a relationship like yours - really good mates, we all hung around together etc. It was way more healthy than some of the 'together' families you see today. Relationship status is no guarantee of security or happiness.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 27/08/2019 12:49

Ye I'd do it

Toneitdown · 27/08/2019 12:54

I would think about it as having another baby without him. Would you regret your decision if he disappeared as soon as you got the positive pregnancy test?

I'm not saying he would, but as you aren't in a relationship you need to think of this as if you are doing it alone. If he sticks around and does his due diligence then that's a bonus, but I wouldn't make any decisions based on the expectation that you will continue to co-parent amicably forever.

TofuChops · 27/08/2019 13:12

^What a selfish idea, you are just having a child because you 'want' one. I know it's an old fashioned view, but I really believe a child should be raised by two parents who really hope to stay together and provide a home together for their child(ren). I know death/divorce can happen but to deliberately have a child in these circumstances seems to me that you want a child as an 'accessory'. And how would you honestly explain to the child why he/she doesn't live their father?
I would love to hear from adult children born to single women and what their views are?^

What a ridiculous comment. Why would a child be upset that his parents decided together That they loved their child so much they wanted another one together? Hmm

You really felt as a child that a prerequisite for your parents loving you was that they had still enjoyed fucking each other and bi weekly date nights? Hmm

No of course not. Don't be so daft.

No relationship is bomb proof and the chances are that any relationship you bring a child into is likely to end with a separation. The OP knows this, has dealt with but unlike the other people entering into it while in lurrrve, she knows what it will look like after the baby.

It's far more "selfish" to have a baby with a second father when there will obviously be issues when children are separated at Christmas. When children are out with the "new family" etc. Where you don't know if the new child will be treated differently to the first by your partner.

OP re breastfeeding and the logistics... hash it out now with him. It's no big deal. I would 100% do it in your situation, though I'd 100% NOT have sex with him though. TTC brings up feelings and I think that's a road you don't need to go down. Either consider paying to have IUI which isn't cheap but also not ridiculously expensive, or do it at home with a syringe. Totally doable. It will also keep everything very boring, mundane and well, turkey basterish stopping any feelings rearing their head.

also who doesn't have a baby just because they want one*? Hmm

TofuChops · 27/08/2019 13:14

I'm not saying he would, but as you aren't in a relationship you need to think of this as if you are doing it alone. If he sticks around and does his due diligence then that's a bonus, but I wouldn't make any decisions based on the expectation that you will continue to co-parent amicably forever.

ANy man could do this in any circumstances though, if the only thing stopping them is currently being with their partner. As soon as the idea of a relatinoship wears off. The OP knows that he won't because she has seen this to be true.

TofuChops · 27/08/2019 13:15

I'd be careful. He SAYS he doesn't want to get back together but this suggestion has come from him. You two becoming intimate again and enlarging your family together may be the goal here for him.

This is the only hmm concern I would have, but again doing this via a syringe would help.

TofuChops · 27/08/2019 13:17

@AlwaysOnAbloodyDiet I am a bit worried it would be confusing for our son but it what he knows now, that we have him but live separately so I don’t really know how different it would be for him

Exactly, it's only "confusing" if a child thinks you need to be together when you have children..which your child can't because he won't remember that time in his life.

MondeoFan · 27/08/2019 13:20

In your circumstances I would you already know you could make it work and you will have siblings by the same father

Alsohuman · 27/08/2019 13:20

I’d do it. It’s a lot less risky than having another child with a new partner.

ElizaPancakes · 27/08/2019 13:23

Lots of women have babies with men who have proven time and time again they are selfish and feckless.

I guess the unknown here is whether he’ll get a girlfriend and change completely. However, you only have to read a page of the Relationships board to see men who have immediately become absolute bastards when they have a child so as far as I’m concerned, you take that chance whether or not you’re in a relationship.

I think it sounds ok though, so long as you’re very clear about expectations regarding contact when the baby is tiny.

Lunafortheloveogod · 27/08/2019 13:26

I’m a tad suspicious of his motives.. your still on the hook, you love him and I’m assuming would get back together with him if he agreed to it?
He’s just been offered regular sex.. unless he’s already agreed to insemination of some form but I doubt that... saves him having to actually “look” for a hook up, would he agree to regular std tests? No sex with other people.. you want a baby not the clap.

It’s odd but honestly it’s no different to falling pregnant in a fwb situation (besides ds who might get his hopes up if daddy’s staying with mummy, even not all the time)

What if he meets someone before you conceive? I doubt any other woman would be happy with her dp shagging his ex on the side. There’s a lot of what ifs tbh. Some of them more outlandish.. what if he’s had a vasectomy for example. But ultimately it’s your choice and as long as you’re prepared to deal with any consequences (not just a baby) it’s up to you.

GrumpyMiddleAgedWoman · 27/08/2019 13:33

Okay in theory but will the status quo last for 18-20 years? What happens if/when he meets someone else, marries, moves away, has more DC? Could you offer the necessary emotional stability on your own? Explain things to your children?

Ragwort · 27/08/2019 13:47

What arrangements would you put in place for looking after the DC if you were seriously ill or died? Would your Ex take full responsibility for both children in such circumstances? Do you have close family who would bring them up?
You only have to read a few threads on Mumsnet to know how hard it is for children from 'blended' homes, even if you both intend to remain single you just never know what might happen if one of you meets someone else.

Original poster
SnappyTurtle · 27/08/2019 14:23

@Lunafortheloveogod I don’t think he’s seeing anyone else at the moment. He sleeps during the day after work, then picks up our son for a few hours until I finish work then goes to work himself 4 days a week. He has him overnight 2 days when he’s off so I don’t think he’s spending time with anyone else. I think he would tell me if he was, especially when we were talking about this.

I’m not sure what would happen if he met someone while we were trying to conceive. I guess I’d hope he’d be honest with me and tell me and we’d stop trying. That’s something we’d have to talk a bit more about.

Yes I’d be prepared to bring up the baby without him if it came to that. I come from quite a big family and have mum and siblings living fairly close together so would have help if I needed it. I honestly don’t think he would leave the kids to move away though. He has all his family living in the same area too.

I think I need to give some more thought to the sex issue. I’m wondering if it might bring up some old feelings and confuse things a bit. I don’t think he’s wanting to do this just for sex or because he wants us to get back together, he would care more about the kids and having a baby than he would about being with me Grin I’ve known since we met how he’s felt about kids, it’s something that’s always been important to him.

OP posts:
CheerfulMuddler · 27/08/2019 14:34

I'd do it. To me it sounds like having a child alone, but with a really good support system - your ex. Your son is young enough that you don't need to go into details about how the baby was conceived, and I don't think it needs to be confusing if you don't make it so.
I think in your situation I'd be going the turkey baster route to conception rather than the sex though. I think that would probably make things more emotionally complicated than you realise. This is already going to be an emotionally complicated situation, so I wouldn't be adding extra complications. You don't want a relationship with this man, so respect that.

QueenofmyPrinces · 27/08/2019 14:47

What if it doesn’t work straight away?

What if 4 months down the line you still aren’t pregnant? Do you just carry on having sex with each other until it does happen?

What if during all that time he meets someone? Does he tell her that he’s still having sex with his ex as they want to have a baby and hope she’s ok with that?

Or does he turn around to you and casually pull out of the deal because a better offer has come along? How would you feel about your hopes being dashed like that?

On paper it looks like a great idea and I can completely understand why you would consider it (I would too) but you just need to be aware of potential pitfalls in the actual conception process, not just what happens afterwards.