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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my brother is a total arsehole

98 replies

mumsey2be · 27/08/2019 08:06

So background - my parents divorced when i was 10 and brother 8. mother was single parent and TBH worked very hard and thus was not really around to be a good parent. Also lives in her own world so somewhat emotionally distant. I coped with this by throwing self into studies and throwing self at boys. Brother got expelled from everywhere, stole loads of money, broke into people's homes and eventually ended up in prison.

Fast forward. I am 40 he is 38. Mum still a difficult person, no question. But she is our mum. Brother has 2 sons, third now on the way. Hasn't had a job in 5 years. Sends his wife out to clean toilets and run her manicure business while he gets stoned and scrounges off my parents. She is now 8 months pregnant. The council have told them they will not rehouse them from their 2 bed flat.

I am currently NC with them both. Love nephews but fundamentally don't agree with brother's lifestyle and sense of entitlement.

Normally, they don't speak to my mum or take her calls because they find her annoying.

But this summer Mum sold her house in London after many years. It was a massive job to help her pack everything up, get sorted- cope with her anxiety about it all, ship everything off to various parts of the globe. I am pregnant with my first after many years of trying and it was ever so stressful. I handle all mums admin etc for her. Brother did not even come round to pack a plate.

Very kindly Mum has offered both of us enough money from the sale to buy a house! Strangely, they are now being all nice and friendly to mum.

She has been staying with us while her overseas home gets sorted - she does drive me crackers in ways i won't explain now but anyway... she came home last night and told me my brother had shouted at her, in front of his 13 year old and 9 year old for not giving him money 'in the here and now' - she is willing to pay for the house but not to give him cash because of his lifestyle. He says she should.

WTF!WTF! the lazy cunt is getting a house with no mortgage, nothing, has a third child on the way, does fuck all to support his family and, in front of his children, tells her she should be giving him more money!

I am apoplectic. I sent him a furious email. No doubt his righteous wife will reply on his behalf as she is his personal secretary and loves to defend him. And her mother has also rung my mum ( she comes from long line of unemployed on the dole types) and demanded that mum give them 'more money'. WTF WTF! What to do? The shameless entitlement leaves me breathless!

AIBU?

OP posts:
PurpleWithRed · 27/08/2019 08:10

Of course YANBU. Can you support your Mum in standing firm on her plans so she doesn't feel she has to cave in?

Rationally it's hard to see that he should get anything at all, but it's hard to cast off your kids however awful they are.

QuiteChic · 27/08/2019 08:11

You hope that your Mum has the nous to keep her money in the bank and the ability to step away from such a bunch of users. But unfortunately I don’t think you can do anything.

Larlarleighlee · 27/08/2019 08:12

Its a true saying you can choose your friends but you cant choose your family my family is full of arseholes op. My advice is to rise above them all and not let them get the satisfaction of getting too you.

Tiredmum100 · 27/08/2019 08:12

No yanbu. I'm all for parents helping their kids out. My parents have helped myself and my sister out in the past. I would help my children out in the future as long as they are showing willing. Your brother sounds awful.

fromnowhere · 27/08/2019 08:12

Don't focus on your brother, don't contact him again, there's no point. Talk to and support your mum. Help her to see she's not being unreasonable.

DartmoorDoughnut · 27/08/2019 08:14

Jesus fucking christ that level of entitlement is just staggering!! Tell your DM to put it in a trust for your nephews for further education/to help them buy a house to get them out of the cycle rather than buy your brother a house, he’ll probably only have it repossessed by the sounds of it!

Original poster
mumsey2be · 27/08/2019 08:14

Thanks for your replies. They are total users but I think fair enough on the house front - it is mums money - she always promised when she sold she would help us both. Hubs and I have been able to buy a lovely home for baby due to her help so fair enough to match her generosity to me with her generosity to him. But then to demand, grumble, complain, in front of the kids - that she give him more cash! more than several hundred thousand ££££ ! i am appalled.

i have said i will help her to decide how she wants to leave money in will - as she is keen to support the grandkids but wants to make sure he doesn't have access to a bean - and who can blame her!

She worked bloody hard for that money - and what has he ever done to help her?

OP posts:
sheshootssheimplores · 27/08/2019 08:15

Tell your mum to put the money in a trust for his children when they hit 25. That will take the wind very nicely out of his sails.

Ilikethisone · 27/08/2019 08:17

You need to discuss with you mum what happens if she gives in, if she starts to cave in.

Which is essentially, that the money will be gone and he will come knocking again. The kids wont be housed. Honestly, if I were her I would be tempted to out the house in the kids names.

In all likelihood, a few years down the line he will convince his wife that they should sell the house. Or borrow against it to access the money.

Unfortunately, even by buying him a house there is no guarantee that he wont fuck it up.

hittheroadjack1 · 27/08/2019 08:18

I would suggest what app has said and trust fund the money. He can't access it because it's not in his name and the kids will get it when they get older.

I wouldn't hand him that amount of cash either based on what you've said.

I can't believe how entitled he's being - that's awful.

Thehop · 27/08/2019 08:19

She should put his share in trust for his children.

hittheroadjack1 · 27/08/2019 08:19

What a pp*

Ilikethisone · 27/08/2019 08:20

Tell your mum to put the money in a trust for his children when they hit 25. That will take the wind very nicely out of his sails.

Yes do this. And if possible make it so they cant access it as late as possible. If it become accessible, to the kids when they are 18, you can bet he will get is hands on all or some.

Original poster
mumsey2be · 27/08/2019 08:20

PP?

OP posts:
ControversialFerret · 27/08/2019 08:22

PP = previous post/poster

lemonyellowtangerine · 27/08/2019 08:26

Mum still a difficult person, no question. But she is our mum.

Bullshit.

Good for you that you survived her neglect - which is a form of abuse - but your brother was clearly severely damaged by it.

That's your mother's fault and responsibility. Why the fuck are you blaming the victim of her abuse and making excuses for her?

Hello1231 · 27/08/2019 08:28

Ha yes, I agree that she should put it in the nephews names. I grew up with a brother who was similar and I have a lot of empathy OP, it's hard. You sound amazing though, helping your mum and looking after her even though you admit it is tricky, congratulations on your pregnancy as well- glad you have a lovely house.

Original poster
mumsey2be · 27/08/2019 08:29

I don't really understand how i can be a previous poster - this only happened last night? Whatever. Why would I bother to do that? And why would you bother to comment? That's just a bit weird.

Anyway i think this ' in kids name is a good idea @Ilikethisone @hittheroadjack1 @Thehop - it hadn't occurred to me that he might find a way to get money out of house that might put kids further at risk. I've just dropped an email to family solicitor to find out whats possible.

OP posts:
OhLookHeKickedTheBall · 27/08/2019 08:29

I suspect if your DB and SIL are getting benefits then the money offer, whether a house or just given to them would stop them being able to claim. A house may not actually help them that much on a day to day basis. That said, I don't think your DM should give them them the money if that's how they're going to act, and a later release trust fund for the GCs would be far better.

FamilyOfAliens · 27/08/2019 08:29

YABU for saying “hubs” Grin

Original poster
mumsey2be · 27/08/2019 08:31

@lemonyellowtangerine thanks for your input. We all deal with difficult situations in different ways. Sorry but i don't accept your perspective on how he has responded. And i didn't ask for your input on my family experience, I asked for perspective on my point of view. He is a lazy shit.

Sorry but i have worked with kids who have seen their family brutally murdered in front of them and not become a dick like my brother. How you respond to trauma and difficulty is your choice as a grown up.

OP posts:
Original poster
mumsey2be · 27/08/2019 08:32

@FamilyOfAliens Wink I have been taking the piss out of him all morning for his Susan Boyle bouffant hair.The Hubster. Ball and Chain etc etc.

OP posts:
FamilyOfAliens · 27/08/2019 08:33

Ah, ok, OP. You’re forgiven Grin

InsertFunnyUsername · 27/08/2019 08:35

The poster was saying they agree with a previous poster about putting the money In to a trust, not that you are one...

Anyway, I feel your pain OP my sibling is similar and would urge your mum to set it up in a trust for the grandchildren. He will spend the money on fuck all and be knocking on her, or your door.

Ilikethisone · 27/08/2019 08:36

I don't really understand how i can be a previous poster - this only happened last night? Whatever. Why would I bother to do that? And why would you bother to comment? That's just a bit weird.

No a pp is someone else who commented on thread.

So I might say I agree with pp, but it in the kids names. That pp could be anyone on the thread. Not that you have posted this before.