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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my brother is a total arsehole

98 replies

mumsey2be · 27/08/2019 08:06

So background - my parents divorced when i was 10 and brother 8. mother was single parent and TBH worked very hard and thus was not really around to be a good parent. Also lives in her own world so somewhat emotionally distant. I coped with this by throwing self into studies and throwing self at boys. Brother got expelled from everywhere, stole loads of money, broke into people's homes and eventually ended up in prison.

Fast forward. I am 40 he is 38. Mum still a difficult person, no question. But she is our mum. Brother has 2 sons, third now on the way. Hasn't had a job in 5 years. Sends his wife out to clean toilets and run her manicure business while he gets stoned and scrounges off my parents. She is now 8 months pregnant. The council have told them they will not rehouse them from their 2 bed flat.

I am currently NC with them both. Love nephews but fundamentally don't agree with brother's lifestyle and sense of entitlement.

Normally, they don't speak to my mum or take her calls because they find her annoying.

But this summer Mum sold her house in London after many years. It was a massive job to help her pack everything up, get sorted- cope with her anxiety about it all, ship everything off to various parts of the globe. I am pregnant with my first after many years of trying and it was ever so stressful. I handle all mums admin etc for her. Brother did not even come round to pack a plate.

Very kindly Mum has offered both of us enough money from the sale to buy a house! Strangely, they are now being all nice and friendly to mum.

She has been staying with us while her overseas home gets sorted - she does drive me crackers in ways i won't explain now but anyway... she came home last night and told me my brother had shouted at her, in front of his 13 year old and 9 year old for not giving him money 'in the here and now' - she is willing to pay for the house but not to give him cash because of his lifestyle. He says she should.

WTF!WTF! the lazy cunt is getting a house with no mortgage, nothing, has a third child on the way, does fuck all to support his family and, in front of his children, tells her she should be giving him more money!

I am apoplectic. I sent him a furious email. No doubt his righteous wife will reply on his behalf as she is his personal secretary and loves to defend him. And her mother has also rung my mum ( she comes from long line of unemployed on the dole types) and demanded that mum give them 'more money'. WTF WTF! What to do? The shameless entitlement leaves me breathless!

AIBU?

OP posts:

Ninabean17 · 27/08/2019 08:36

Absolutely agree with the trust fund idea. Safest option, he won't be able to touch it.

And pp means previous poster. That's not in reference to you necessarily, just that they're talking about a 'previous poster' on the thread. Basically everyone on this thread is a pp.

AnyOldPrion · 27/08/2019 08:37

Good for you that you survived her neglect - which is a form of abuse - but your brother was clearly severely damaged by it.

That's your mother's fault and responsibility. Why the fuck are you blaming the victim of her abuse and making excuses for her?

Damaged or not, he’s an adult now and has to take responsibility for his own behaviour. And mumsy2B seems to be looking for practical solutions to a problem. Ensuring her brother doesn’t fritter away a large sum of money on drugs and trying to ensure his children don’t suffer seems reasonable enough.

RelaisBlu · 27/08/2019 08:38

I think hittheroadjack1 means a previous poster on this thread, not a previous post written by you OP

Original poster

mumsey2be · 27/08/2019 08:38

@insertusername ahhh ok sorry to those posters, I misunderstood the MN terms.

OP posts:

MargotLovedTom1 · 27/08/2019 08:39

All hittheroadjack meant was they agreed with what a PP (previous poster) had suggested about a trust fund for the children, not that there's anything dodgy about you.

This is a good suggestion, and I hope the solicitor advised accordingly. Also your brother 's MIL needs to butt out!

StCharlotte · 27/08/2019 08:39

And make sure he isn't one of the trustees!

Original poster

mumsey2be · 27/08/2019 08:39

Ah i understand PP now, sorry about that. This is very helpful thank you

OP posts:

MargotLovedTom1 · 27/08/2019 08:40

*advises

TheLime · 27/08/2019 08:40

You asked what PP meant and Controversial was telling you, not calling you a PP.

Just because you’ve seen children do better having gone through worse, does not mean your brother has not been profoundly affected by his neglectful upbringing. My mum and my aunt had the same exposure to the sexual, physical and emotional abuse of my grandfather..... my mum is a relatively normal woman with friends and family and a home and has just retired.... my aunt died four years ago choking on vomit after years and years of drug and alcohol abuse, prostitution, crime and eating disorders. She didn’t make it out.

Tableclothing · 27/08/2019 08:41

That's your mother's fault and responsibility.

It's likely that things are a bit more complicated than that.

Ilikethisone · 27/08/2019 08:41

I would really look at wether you can stop him or her a trustee.

GreenTulips · 27/08/2019 08:45

It’s an awful situation and I really feel for you.

Even if you did buy them a house, assuming they currently get housing benefit, they aren’t any better off. Plus SIL may still find herself homeless as he’ll either kick her and the kids out sell up and blow the money.
If they shared the money 50:50 neither would be able to afford separate houses and benefits would stop.

I’d also consider a trust fund for the grandchildren. The money is still your mothers money and she could tell them she’s sending it to the cats home instead. They don’t need to know about any fund until they are of age.

Even then, the kids might turn out like their dad.

Juells · 27/08/2019 08:47

I feel sorry for your SiL :( Doubly a victim - having to support your brother, look after children, and have him screw up all chance of having a home. From her point of view, it must be difficult to see money available, but not for the day-to-day expenses. It sounds like she does the best she can, while her efforts are being sabotaged by your brother.

Clangus00 · 27/08/2019 08:49

PP....previous poster

Mydogmylife · 27/08/2019 08:49

@Ilikethisone
If you set up a trust you can appoint anyone to be the trustee, ops brother does not need to be any part of it. Running a trust can be expensive though so look carefully into he costs involved

CoraPirbright · 27/08/2019 08:50

Yes - like the trust fund idea. As someone upthread said, it might help break the cycle (as it sounds like your SIL’s family are somewhat similar in outlook so this is all your nieces/nephews are getting in terms of role models). The fallout will be huge, though, so your mum is really going to get it in the neck if she does go down that route. Support her all you can. But just to give your brother a ton of money is going to do him absolutely no favours and simply enable him to continue the lifestyle he now has.

Missingstreetlife · 27/08/2019 08:51

She can put money in a trust for the children. It could be used to buy a house or for their education. She could leave him a life interest (he would get an income but the kids the capital, she probably doesn't want this). She could buy a house and leave that to the children with stipulations about how he can live in it and for how long. Need good lawyer to make watertight and trustees who won't bow to pressure.
Need to think about impact on benefits and future housing entitlement, maybe to his advantage not to have unfettered access.

LillithsFamiliar · 27/08/2019 08:51

Your DB is obviously difficult but I think you should step back and let your DM decide whether she gives him money or a trust fund or buys him a house. You can't micro-manage their relationship.

I do agree with a PP that you seem to think because you have forgiven your DM that your DB should. You also seem to think your DM worked hard and DB didn't support that. Your DB may feel that you both lost part of your childhood to support your DM's career.

DH has a DSIL who sounds similar to your DM. Interestingly, her DD always makes excuses for her about their childhood. Her DS doesn't talk to her at all. That dynamic of a neglected DD over-compensating and a DS embracing being estranged seems similar to your's.

Ilikethisone · 27/08/2019 08:53

@Mydogmylife thank you I dont know that much about them.

The kids may turn out like him and spunk the money away.

But the only other option is to not give them anything and write them out of the will.

EileenAlanna · 27/08/2019 09:00

If it doesn't complicate your mother's own position iro taxes etc could she simply buy a house in her own name that she lets them live in? She could pay him to be essentially a live-in caretaker. My job provides a rent free flat but the only wages I get is the cost of the Council tax & landline rental for work use. I get Working Tax Credit as well. He should be able to continue getting other means tested benefits if that's how he chooses to live.
The house could then be disposed of in her will, either directly to his children if they're old enough or via a Trust.
There's no way of being sure your brother wouldn't sell/borrow against the house if it was in his name & there's always the chance that his marriage ends, house gets sold & his wife walks off with half of it & the grandchildren never see a penny of the money.

RB68 · 27/08/2019 09:02

I think she should go and get some advice from a lawyer with specialist trust fund knowledge.

I would not put his name on anything he will just sell and take the money until it has gone and come back for more. She has a range of options:

Put some money and the house in a trust and allow him to live there for his lifetime at which point the trust resolves and money goes elsewhere (I would send it to charity but I suppose grandkids might be an option - 18 if go to college and drip fed over 4 years, ptherwise 21 or 25 your choice)

Say fuck it and give him a cash lump now that he signs for and signs no further claim etc Or give him an annual amount that does not attract any tax oe inheritance issues. Or straight set him up a trust fund to feed it him slowly (If he gets a large cash amount it will effect his entitlement to benefits as well)

Buy the house keep in Mums name and leave to him in will (so he can't sell) (ps please make sure it is somewhere the neighbours won't be up in alms about his behaviour)

plus I am sure a million other issues but I am sure they will work through these with her - and bonus is its with a lawyer so if he starts arguing its not just against your Mum.

LiveInAHidingPlace · 27/08/2019 09:07

I get it. My brother's not half as bad as this but it still fucks me off that my mum ended up paying the deposit for his mortgage, packed his whole house so he could move, cleaned out his whole garden...he does nothing, then mummy comes to pick up the pieces for him and his equally useless wife.

It drives me fucking crazy.

Topsecretidentity · 27/08/2019 09:12

Yes echo previous posters in that your mum can structure the inheritance in a way that provides security for her grandchildren while also reducing your brother's and SILs outgoings by buying a house for the grandchildren - in which the grandchildren and not DB have beneficial interest. She can also appoint someone other than BIL and SIL as executor of this fund. And say terms are that DB and SIL can live in the house until the youngest of the 3 grandchildren reaches maturity (I think she should also specify which grandchildren to avoid a situation whereby DB and SIL keep popping children out and reducing the inheritance/ tying up the inheritance for longer).

Really feel for you and your mum. DB sounds awful.

Grandmi · 27/08/2019 09:16

Lemon yellow tangerine ...What an unhelpful shit comment Ihave a similar sibling who has spent his whole adult life blaming everyone apart from himself for his problems-and shortcomings....there are many!! !He had the same upbringing as me and is convinced he had such a shit childhood ! Nothing to do with smoking weed everyday for the last 40 years !! He made my darling Mums life a misery for the last 10 years of her life ...she disinherited him and even now 4 years later he is bullying and blaming myself and other siblings !! Good luck and def ensure your Mum doesn’t part with any cash and that her will is watertight!!

Beautiful3 · 27/08/2019 09:18

I wouldn't give him the money towards a home. I would take the next year to think about what I want to do regarding my will. Money could be left to the grandchildren through a will.

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