To think we're deluding ourselves over childcare?

[aliteralAIBUforonce]

I have a child who goes to nursery one day a week. I am very lucky that I can go part time and family have the rest of the time.

He's been doing this since he was 11 months and I hate it. He doesn't dislike it but he doesn't look forward to it either. A couple of times o have dropped him off then had to duck back into the cloak room and I've seen him looking rather lost and alone at the breakfast table. Breaks my heart.

A few times when I've been out and about I've seen staff from nurseries taking groups of kids out. They never, ever engage with the kids. Just each other. Bloody joyless experience by the looks of it. Those are the better ones too.

AIBU to think that we're going to see an epidemic of adolescent mental health problems is the next few years?

This is a shit was to bring up our kids.

It might be different when she goes, but having looked round the nursery we’re sending our daughter to I genuinely think they’ll do a better job than me.

In terms of MH, I suspect not being able to pay our mortgage and having the house repossessed because I gave up work would have a bigger impact.

Have you seen adults walking with children
Just today I saw a female pushing a child in a pushchair. Child was awake and looking about. Female was on her phone. Also saw 10 tots with two nursery workers, all children were chatting over one another to the workers. I followed along the park pathway behind them, they were definitely engaged with the workers. You seem to be unlucky in what you have experienced or perhaps you are seeing things in the negative due to feeling guilty.

Very much depends on the nursery or childminder. The only childminders available when I went back to work had a job share. First one kept three dogs in a tiny flat. Other one had yellow condensation on her windows from smoking, got her dog to piss on the balcony and left child sitting mournfully on a bed with no toys no nothing during my visit. I walked out and straight into the nearest nursery.

On the other hand, i know some friends who had terrific childminders, including a former primary school teacher who was absolutely fantastic.

You should reassess your childcare arrangements if you dc is not happy.

Sounds like you made poor childcare choices, OP.

He is definitely going to benefit from it as it gets them used to being with other children. You have to accept that he may be the same when he starts school, and that’s compulsory five days a week. In fact it may be better if he is struggling for him to go maybe an extra day.

I was watching as I was out and about today (after reading these threads) and the number of parents constantly engaging with their baby/toddler/preschool DC as they walk around was miniscule. When there was another adult present as well I didn't see a single person who was talking to the DC more than the adult, and most were talking entirely to the other adult(s).

Is it me or is actually quite hard to engage constantly with a child in a buggy? When DS was tiny I'd try and witter on constantly because all the books say to, but talking constantly to a non-verbal baby in public made me very self-conscious, and looking around this felt justified because no one else was doing it! He's now more responsive, but facing the other way... I talk to him lots and lots throughout the day, but you could easily watch us walking into town and conclude that I don't interact with him.

Cross-post manic - clearly I agree with you!

I think I agree with you.especially when it comes to under 2 year olds in full time childcare. I don't think any nursery ideal for very young children. But parents are in an impossible situation and have so many pressures on them. I'm afraid I don't know the answer.

Just to throw in my two penneth:

My twins went to nursery for three days a week from age 8 months to three, when they started at pre-school. By then I had another baby as well - which is your 1:3 ratio that you don’t like. DS3 didn’t go into childcare till he was eligible for pre-school as unfortunately DH was made redundant so he became a SAHD.

I could have stayed at home with my children, but I didn’t want to and I don’t think we could have afforded it either. I wanted a life outside of childcare; I could feel myself sinking into boredom and depression. If I hadn’t gone back I don’t think I would be in my current job, as I’ve gone from earning £17k to £45k in ten years.

Neither of my boys exhibits any mental health issues, they were all happy to go into childcare, and all happy to see us when they finished for the day. Just asked and they don’t actually remember going to nursery.

I don’t know what the answer to your problem is if you don’t like this nursery, won’t try a childminder, won’t give up that day at work (or get husband to).

I’m not sure what other regulations you are thinking of when they already have Ofsted and the reports on individual children which you say are shit.

OP unless you live in the back of beyond, there must be more nurseries that you could try.

FWIW, I gave up my job after maternity leave. DS is now 2.5 and is in nursery two mornings a week because I needed a breather from him! Being with a toddler all day every day is hard work. So hats off to nursery staff who have the patience to deal with a while bunch of them!

I always feel the need to loudly narrate what I'm doing with my phone if I'm using it while out with DS so people know I'm not on fb!

"Mummys just looking at the bus times DS"
"Mummys just texting daddy to say we'll be home soon" etc.

Bad childcare is bad for children, that’s obvious. There will be bad nurseries, childminders and nannies, just as there are good ones. It’s all about balancing what you can afford with what is available and what will suit your child and I just think it’s impossible to generalise.

My own opinion was that when my baby was small (under 2) I wanted him to be in as “homelike” a setting as possible. Nurseries aren’t like homes, no matter how great they are. I felt that he would benefit from smaller numbers of children, more individual attention, consistency of care from one person day in day out (even with keyworkers the average child in nursery encounters many staff members during the day/the week). I don’t personally think that lots of educational activities are as important for babies as those things.

As they get older though and become interested in socialising (2+) the balance starts to shift. I think therefore you also need to differentiate carefully between the ages of the children you’re talking about in nursery.

It’s a difficult issue because there certainly are poor childcare offerings out there. I saw a couple of absolutely awful ones when looking at nurseries for my son (they were rated Good by Ofsted) but I wouldn’t have put a dog in there), and they were full of children. I wonder do their parents think they’re great - maybe even posting on this thread- or do they know they’re bad but have no other choice? Either way is depressing.

We need to respect childcare jobs more, pay them better and have tighter regulations for all childcare in my opinion.

Well some kids who are overly attached to parents or 1 person never settle at school properly and end up with social anxiety and depression.... i think we all (myself included) do not really allow our children to interact without supervision in the same way we did when growing up, which is why they have trouble with socialising.... my dd went to nursery from 9months 1st was not great second was amazing and she loved it

My dd hated nursery. I was apprehensive about childminders for the same reason as you are, but when my son was born I started looking at childminders in advance (basically a year before I would need them). I asked the mums at the local school for their opinions and recommendations, and read reviews online. I have ended up so happy with the care my son receives! The childminders are a married couple and are excellent. My son loves going there (been with them 1.5 years now, around 30 hours a week). Take some time looking around, it is really worthwhile.

Also agree with HarrietM87, the homelike environment trumps any learning activities for me. Though my CMs do loads of that too.

I was in ft childcare from that age and I am perfectly normal, as is son no 1 who was at nursery from 3 months old. I was a single mother and had to get back to work, or no doubt people like the OP would have criticised me for being on benefits.
Oddly it's my second child with a sahd since birth that has socialisation issues. So I think the lessons are 1. Let's not generalise and 2. Let's not judge and make things harder for other mothers.

CM's have rigorous OFSTED inspections, paperwork, training and and are required to follow the Early Years programme.

Yeah, despite that, mine was still absolutely vile and let her kids bully & abuse all the other kids without saying anything about it ("play nicely"), whereas if you ever retaliated, she would put in a complaint. I hated going to her but I never felt I could tell my parents. I've heard similar stories from friends.

I would never send my kids to one. You never know what they are like behind closed doors.

Why not try a childminder. Mine was lovely and the children adored her.

From personal experience your nursery may be rated outstanding that doesn’t mean it’s the best for your child. We tried loads of nurseries and the best for us was the one DD felt comfortable in which was one with a good rating not outstanding. She felt confident, comfortable and happy and as a result she flourished. She made great friendships, learnt to share, gained confidence and social skills she wouldn’t have learnt at home with me or members of our family.

Just because you’ve chosen one that isn’t right doesn’t mean they are all awful! Look around, consider adding another day as one day a week means they will take longer to settle. Perhaps two half days so the frequency is increased but the time spent there is not.

What @KeepStill said.

(And I’m a SAHM)

How old is your child and how long has be been going? I think the issue is that he is only there one day a week. He's going to find it much harder to form a bond with the other kids. You can take him out of this nursery and put him into another but I think you'll come up against the same problem. Although I do eye spy with my little one when I'm out and about, I'm also having a cheeky check of the phone... Like most other people no doubt so think you're being very unfair towards nursery staff who i think have a very hard job to do.

@NewAccount270219 I agree, I used to chat to DD endlessly when she was facing me in her pram but now she’s facing the other way I think she forgets I’m there tbh. I chat to her all the time when we’re doing things together, can she not just sit back in her pushchair and enjoy looking around without me narrating everything like a madwoman?

OP, now that I've actually read all your responses I don't think it's nurseries or childminders that's the problem but your own personal experience and attitude towards childcare, which your son is obviously picked up on.

@sleepingstandingup He might be delayed? It wasn’t easy financially, I turned down a really well paid job last minute when dd was 2 because I had a bad feeling about the nursery I Had chosen at the time and so stepped back from it all.. it was a non negotiable I grew up with a constant theme of either being abused (firstly from 6yo by the husband of someone trusted to care for me) or friends being abused. for me personally to send my own daughter away with complete strangers while she couldn’t clearly articulate or express any fears concerns etc was never going to happen whether money was tight or not. Communication with her is really important to me cause of my experiences growing up. Your Ds may not be able to articulate himself clearly with the English language yet but he will have other ways of being able to express himself and communicate with you, eg I’m sure that you can tell the difference of him being nervous/fearful or of him being angry or how he feels around cerain ppl etc.

Ive seen plenty of uninspiring looking parents out there with small kids and not interacting either. Let's be frank, this is as long as it's wide, there are great nurseries and average ones and crap ones, same to sonnet extent with nannies or childminders, same with a miserable bored unhappy stay at home mum. Not every mother not opting for organised childcare is out there gymboreeing it and on the floor with fuzzy felt every day. I've used all 3 when my son was small, family, nursery and childminder and the really good nursery suited him nicely, but he went at 2 and a half.