To think we're deluding ourselves over childcare?

[aliteralAIBUforonce]

I have a child who goes to nursery one day a week. I am very lucky that I can go part time and family have the rest of the time.

He's been doing this since he was 11 months and I hate it. He doesn't dislike it but he doesn't look forward to it either. A couple of times o have dropped him off then had to duck back into the cloak room and I've seen him looking rather lost and alone at the breakfast table. Breaks my heart.

A few times when I've been out and about I've seen staff from nurseries taking groups of kids out. They never, ever engage with the kids. Just each other. Bloody joyless experience by the looks of it. Those are the better ones too.

AIBU to think that we're going to see an epidemic of adolescent mental health problems is the next few years?

This is a shit was to bring up our kids.

Many a stay-at-home Mum has raised a delinquent with mental health problems & many a child who attended full time nursery that grew into a high achieving, well balanced adult & vice versa. Different folks, different strokes. Would deffo look at alternative providers & fwiw I was told 1 day at nursery can be hard to settle so the setting I used advised minimum of 2 days even if 2 half days which makes sense to me but appreciate it may not necessarily be a viable option

Have you considered a childminder instead? Has been great for my DCs if you get a good one

Look at other nurseries as around at mums and tots groups

Agree, all the important brain neurons are being formed in the years 0-3.

And the 'it takes a community to raise a child' excuse for a nursery - well childcare is amongst the poorest paid work, and these staff are mainly young, with a high turnover. Most aren't doing it for the love

As a childminder, it was galling for the parents quibling over my childcare bill and then telling me how much the extension cost and how much they paid the architect.

I still see the children I looked after too, as do many many childminders I know! Choose a lovely childminder, best way is to see one at a toddler group or out and about and see how they treat the children. Best thing is when people say they had no idea I was a childminder, assumed the children were my own.

Both my children went to nursery FT from being really quite small (5.5 months for DD, 8 months for DS). They’re perfectly normal and well-adjusted teenagers (currently 15 and 13).

In the early days of humans kids were actually jointly brought up by the village. In war years kids often were part of a large extended family and were looked after by different relatives.

The child knows who mum (and dad) is, instutionalised, what fucking bollocks. Kids need love. Sounds like the OP needs to change nursery but fgs don’t turn it into working mum blaming. Jesus.

*I waited until dd could speak and express herself really well before organising professional childcare

far easier to do with an early talker like yours tho, or if you wages aren't needed for the bills. DS was still unintelligible at 3.5 years and I'd say at 4.5 he still lacks the language stills to communicate if something wa happening to him

I’m a childminder and I personally feel we are a better option . More a one to one relationship with the child in a honest environment

I haven't read the full thread but I have read all OP's comments.

From the little info shared, you come across as fairly negative, insular and very presumptuous. It also seems evident that your childhood experience left its mark and it may be worth considering whether that needs to be addressed.

We've had experience of childminders, nurseries (both state provided and private) and an au pair (2 years).

We've had 2 negative experiences. One quite serious (child locked in a room with TV, no toys/interaction /stimuli , fed food she really didn't like day after day until she ate it, taken for swimming lessons but dropped outside a busy large sports centre withoo go in alone, get ready alien, go into pool alone - aged 6/7). She was reported to local council.

This, however, did not blind/skew our view.it just made us aware that we needed to be more thorough and vigilant. We had amazing childcare. We still see our au pair - 13 years on. We holiday with her and her partner. She comes to visit regularly. Our daughter sees her like an older sister.

My daughter has extremely find memories of her nursery and had volunteered there in the past. The private nursery no longer exists but we regularly have contact with staff and families from there. In fact my daughter has babysat for some of them. My daughter lived it there. The staff were caring, loving, attentive and committed. We noe know their children!

And our childminder (she was with us 7 years) and her family remain close friends. Out uther childminder had children very close in age to our DD and even though she hasn't been with them for 5 years, she and the CM's daughters are still good friends.

Your experience is not typical. One bad egg, or even a few bad eggs does not mean they're ALL bad.

Our DD definitely 'gained' from our CC options.

It's sad that you are in this position. For me - if there's no other option - I'd change jobs rather than send my child to CC that clearly is lacking in the basics.
Best of luck

That was meant to read homely environment

Sounds like you have a crap nursery or perhaps one day just isn't enough to settle properly.

My youngest has just left nursery today. We have been going there for nearly 7 years for both children and they have been an intrinsic part of our life and my kids have loved it. We all sobbed as we said goodbye! Nursery has helped my children with their social, academic and confidence skills and I don't regret it for a minute.

Oliver James has his own issues...

Indeed. He's a famously misogynistic arse, to put it mildly.

I am glad that I was able to be a SAHM for a few years while my children were very young. Many modern parents are unable to do so, and both have to work from when their child or children are very young.

Good for you, but it denies women agency to shake your head over how poor 'modern mothers' are forced to work. Certainly, some are. But equally, it never occurred to many of us to stop working because we'd had a child, any more than it presumably didn't occur to your husband to become a SAHP when you had your children.

I think nursery is right for some children but not for others. Mine would have taken ages to settle in a nursery and even then i don't think they would have enjoyed the experience. They were both very shy and clingy as babies, even taking them to stay and play groups were tricky let alone having to leave them. My number one option if I'd had to use childcare for either of my two would have been grandparents or another family member so they could form that attachment with sometime who would be meaningful in their lives. As they had no grandparents or family members willing or able to help, in the end I decided to do it myself and not go back to work. I appreciate I was lucky this was an option for me and its not for many. But if you choose the right option for your child and your family then I think that's all you can do. Maybe, OP, you need to think about a childminder or see if your family can help out more just until your DC is a bit older and more up for socialising.

Bet there's no men's forums discussed this topic

There might be. They sometimes come onto the Times (newspaper) comment pages on topics relating to childcare and spout about how wonderful it was for their children to have a SAHM (and for them, to have wifey at home dealing with the grunt work, no doubt, but they don't mention that bit).

Where do I find a better nursery? There aren't any.

Cleary there are though, or do you think other parents such as those on this thread are lying about it?

FWIW we were very happy with both of DD's nurseries. She only moved from first one because I changed job so needed one in a new location. DD loved her nursery time. She went from being about 20 weeks old - several years back before mat leave changed to longer time. She went 2-3 days a week from about 8am to about 4:30-5pm, so fairly long hours but not as long as some.

Because of my job I did sometimes call at different times and I was always happy with the care she was being given and they way the staff cared for and engaged with her.

DD is now a very well adjusted, cared for and loved 17 year old who has no issues with attachment, mental health, etc.

My own experience has been positive. My son bounces into nursery, chats away in the car about what he's been up to on the way home. Talks fondly about the staff, his favourite seems to change weekly.

They do the stuff I hate. Can't abide messy play, Baking ext anything messy drives me up the wall. I'm outdoorsy mum, will take him puddle jumping ext so he gets something from that environment he wouldn't get at home. He does long days as well 7:30-6 so far no signs of trauma.

I know everyone else's expectations and experiences will differ. But there are more imaginative ways to mess your kids up then day care

Chose a better childcare placement, I would choose a fun loving placement over anything else. I worked as a nanny for a few families with nursery age children, i laughed with them, hugged and kissed them. I’m not sure you can do that in a nursery because it’s more formal, They would have always chosen their parents over me but hopefully they thought of me as a fun aunt they loved and not just someone paid to do a job. At nursery age they just need love and attention, go with your gut

@Nearlyalmost50

It's definitely not evidence, and I'm not suggesting it is - it's a personal observation.

I think there's a bit of a happy medium, really, and there's always going to be opportunity costs and benefits.

I'm fairly comfortable in the level of attachment we have with our kids, and the relationship we have with them, but I'm also very pleased to see them self confident and able to engage with new people and experiences.

Because we had no family, if we hadn't used ECE (or a childminder, which I wasn't going to do because I'm not a terribly trusting person!), then our children would have had the same lack of experience as those children had had.

Im sorry to hear your having this experience at your nursery.
Having read the replies so far, what most say is spot on. You need to visit every nursery within the distance your willing to drive. If this is 30 then visit them all!
I spent 18 years working in nurseries. From the bottom as a freshly qualified nursery nurse at 17 right to the top as manager many years later. Iv seen many excellent provisions but also many that fall below the standard of care i would want my own child to receive. The last 5 years of my carer i was incredibly lucky to run an outstanding provision. This was down to the nursery owners (former teachers) understanding that you get what you pay for with staff. I was able to staff my nursery with former colleagues from other provisions that i knew were the best out there rather than the girls straight from college. In their defence i have to say i also employed several outstanding staff under the age of 25 but they all worked under extremely experienced room leaders. No child in my nursery would have been left to sit alone even if the child was reluctant to engage.
As a mum i also never employed staff i wouldnt be happy to leave my own child with. Infact while being short staffed for a few weeks i worked in the rooms myself rather than taking on someone unsuitable from our first round of interviews.

Also as has already been said just 1 day a week will make it difficult for your child to settle. In fact many nurseries i worked in had a minimum of 3 half days or 2 full days. This isnt for profit but to help your child. 7 days is a long time to come round when your only 2.

If your having that stomach flip feeling every time you leave your child you need to do something about it.

I would look for personal opinions not just ofsted ratings 🤦‍♀️

Plus I've had family in and worked in a few nurseries. There is a wide range, looks like you've picked two crap ones.

My little one is thriving at her Nursery. She loves the staff (and they seem to love her). She is 18 months and stringing sentences together and comes home singing old McDonald and wind the bobbin up! It may be the Nursery, it may be the fact that they are only there one day a week or it may just be the Nursery set up doesn’t suit them. I don’t think that every child going to Nursery has the experience you think yours does or that it will lead to Teenagers with issues. If you have concerns you need to speak to the Nursery. Good luck.

Maybe it's not a case of there not being any good nurseries around you but more that your child isn't suited to a nursery environment at the moment and that's why none of them feel right for you. Look at other options with your DP such as childminder, family helping more or even your DP going part time too so you can share the childcare.

My niece used to hate nursery and cried everyday about it. Her mom changed her nursery and now she is always so happy.
My daughter loves her nursery but my son hates it so I’m not going to make him go. He used to love his old nursery but it’s closed for summer. Each child is different. Some staff are different too. It’s hard to constantly talk to children and not adults. You need to make a switch for your little one.

It’s hard to constantly talk to children and not adults.

^^this doesn't make someone a bad carer