To think we're deluding ourselves over childcare?

[aliteralAIBUforonce]

I have a child who goes to nursery one day a week. I am very lucky that I can go part time and family have the rest of the time.

He's been doing this since he was 11 months and I hate it. He doesn't dislike it but he doesn't look forward to it either. A couple of times o have dropped him off then had to duck back into the cloak room and I've seen him looking rather lost and alone at the breakfast table. Breaks my heart.

A few times when I've been out and about I've seen staff from nurseries taking groups of kids out. They never, ever engage with the kids. Just each other. Bloody joyless experience by the looks of it. Those are the better ones too.

AIBU to think that we're going to see an epidemic of adolescent mental health problems is the next few years?

This is a shit was to bring up our kids.

Sorry OP but the only person deluding themselves is you. You do have options and if your child is not happy in your current arrangement the as a parent it's your job to step up and try some of the alternatives - discussion with the provider, a different nursery, different hours, a childminder, part-time nanny, whatever - and see if that makes you child happier. Many other parents have found paid childcare that works well for their child (and taken the time to suggest how to do it here!) but you seem to have ruled out everything except your current arrangement without even trying.

Anyone might think that instead of trying to solve a problem you were just looking for controversy.

Babies and children raised at home also form strong attachments with others. With family, family friends and other babies. Starting with the parent in a place of safety, naturally developing connections when they are ready.

Of course and I haven’t said anything to the contrary.

Nursery can and does provide a good setting for it though. The relationships with caregivers can be very strong and loving. But a) you probably have no experience of that and b) it would kill you to admit it so 🤷‍♀️

@KeepStill agreed. To add to it, children were often left alone or with not much older siblings or working themselves. That's not that many generations ago.

My nan was lucky enough to be a housewife and sahp, her parents left her with her 11 year old sister all day in the house. And that wasn't abnormal.

The key point you are missing is that there are many many parents who are very poor parents. They regularly lose their temper, have little patience, let their kids go on iPads all day/ meal times and generally engage in little learning. Then there are those who are too permissive and let their kids run riot with no regard for those around them. They rarely get told off and are well on the road to becoming spoilt entitled adults who will likely be disappointed and bitter in life when they realise the world won’t throw itself at their feet. Some parents are just shit. They contribute massively to MH issues. Philip Larkin wrote a poem about how parents fuck up their kids. So being at home with mum isn’t often all that.

It wasn't uncommon to leave your kids with neighbours etc or other mums. It takes a village to raise a child and all that.

The deprivation of love and care during nursery hours far outweighs the minimal benefits of a nursery setting Lovelookslikethis

If you are genuinely claiming as a generalisation that nursery settings automatically mean that there is deprivation of love and care, that is codswallop As the many, many posts on here attest.

My DS is was 2 in May. He has only just started going into nursery without tears (started going at 12 months). It’s been emotionally fought for us but required due to working to live - not just essentials but also give him a lovely life - toys, days out, live in safe area near the beach... He goes 2 days a week 830-430 - rest of his care is split between us (I work 4 days, DH works continental shifts) and my parents. DH parents’ do nursery pickup often.

I think this is a good balance. Close knit family care, mixing with others at nursery and doing some fun activities. He’s always happy when we pick him up. Everyone comments on what a happy child he is generally.

But I still feel a bit of guilt - don’t we all? I think this thread is quite mean and goady to be honest.

Saying that I don’t think 5 days a week 9-5 at nursery/CM is ideal for little ones. Sometimes needs must though :(

It's my last week of mat leave this week, 11 month old DS starts with a childminder for 3 days a week starting next wednesday

Wish I hadn't clicked on this thread

Speaking of deprived of love and care in nurseries...
My nursery school (in rural Italy) was run by nuns, everytime I see a nun in the street now I get some kind of pavlovian warm fuzzy feeling. I don't know if they had any qualifications but they were lovely ladies who looked after 3 generations of the village families (my DGM and her sisters in their 20s, my dad and his brothers in their 40s, and me in their 60s)

We don't all feel guilt Best bit of advice I got (separately) from both my mum and my best friend (working mum of 4 who had her kids well before me): that it was up to me, not society, whether I chose to feel guilt or not.

Why should I (and just as relevantly dh ) feel guilty about our (much loved - by everyone) ds who spent 8.15 to 5.30 in a happy, nurturing environment? He went in happy, came out happy.

Still had plenty of time in the morning and evening to love him A third of the time he was away, he was asleep anyway (He was always a good sleeper )

Ds3 has been in nursery 3 days a week since he was 5 months. I chose nursery as I didnt want him relying on 1 person like a childminder who could have off days and not be able to give him what he needed. I liked the idea of him being able to choose who he went to. His daycare adults are like extended family. He's the most secure out of all my kids!!

I agree with prettybird. I don’t feel guilty, but I do sometimes feel other women are desperate to make me so

I don’t feel guilty, but I do sometimes feel other women are desperate to make me so

Yes, or just to 'normalise' maternal guilt as something inevitable and almost biological.It's not. Feel guilty, or don't feel guilty, as you prefer, but it's not something everyone feels, and it doesn't make you a better (or worse) parent.

Yes. Like there is something wrong with you for not feeling emotionally ragged about your children’s life. I actually feel my children are very lucky and privileged. I would’ve loved to have the opportunities they get

The nursery staff really do not love your child, they are working minimum age often out of necessity than choice, it’s hardly the same unless you are a really lame parent laurie

I think it's dreadful how little we pay nursery workers.

Why would I feel guilty about ensuring that my DT’s went to the best nursery we could find - and we visited lots. Between our parenting and the nursery care they received, they received an excellent start in life which now they are at Uni we can see the benefits they had at the start of their lives. I would have felt guilty if they hadn’t had those advantages.

@lovelookslikethis I think you have a very strange attitude. Why think people who work in low paid roles are desperate, devoid of choice and uncaring about their job? I know many people who work on minimum wage doing all sorts of things- retail, cleaning, reception work etc and are very happy and dedicated. Working in a nursery is a vocation you need qualifications for, you don’t just fall into it resentfully because you’re incapable of anything else.

Whilst I don’t think nursery staff love my child, I do believe they love children and that’s why they work with them. Who on earth would do such a hard, unrelenting job if they didn’t love children?

Absolutely beg to to differ love but as I keep saying you sound like you have no experience and therefore no clue of these relationships.

My mother was a childminder for a while and still has a lovely relationship with her mindees. She meets them for coffee / hot chocolate regularly still even through it’s been 10 years and the oldest is going to university.

And DS’s nursery are all trained professionals and not paid minimum wage.

I’m v confident in my own parenting abilities, but thanks for the little dig () I’m sure it’s coming from a super secure place at your end. Oh wait.

I regularly see after school carers escorting children from the various schools near us to the after-school club they work at, chatting and having a laugh with the children. Usually quite young employees not getting paid much more than minimum wage too, the children look happy. My DC both spent a good number of hours at preschool, my ds went 3 full days a week for 18 months before school. I'm certain it is good for social skills as both my DC are very open, social creatures which they certainly didn't get from me (an introvert that never went to nursery or preschool incidentally).

Families are complicated and varied and the needs of all family members need to be balanced out to make for the best outcome.

We all try to do this as best we can in our own individual circumstances and what is the best childcare option for one family may not be for another family.

Not everybody has the luxury of choice. There are always parents who are smug about their parenting choices and generally nobody likes them much. Which paradoxically tends to be unhelpful for their dc.

I don’t feel guilty about working and even the most judgmental of mums seems to cope fine with my choices when I turn up to keep their desperately ill kid alive.

Have not heard a peep out of them re my kid’s future mental health for some reason.

love when my baby son was in hospital my daughters nursery key person called round to our house, on her day off, to deliver a box of treats she’d put together for our family in a box she’d decorated herself- this was a personal gift she used her own money to create. There were games and treats for my daughter and things for us too plus a card saying how much she felt for us and that she was there for us any time day or night we needed help.

This is the person my daughter spends three days a week with at nursery, who she says she loves almost daily and the person who she’s the most excited to see. She isn’t paid minimum wage, has a host of relevant quals and is currently studying for a masters in child development.

Yes. Like there is something wrong with you for not feeling emotionally ragged about your children’s life. I actually feel my children are very lucky and privileged. I would’ve loved to have the opportunities they get

Absolutely.

The nursery staff really do not love your child

I have never paid anyone involved in my child's care to 'love' him. What an odd idea. I pay them to give him professional, high-quality care and look after his physical, developmental and emotional needs during set periods. His excellent childminder, and the small group of children of all ages who are/have been looked after by that childminder down the years, have been an invaluable extra resource for him, but 'love' is not in question.

I think it’s true that parents project their own love of their kids on to others and assume they adore their kids too. I often hear parents talk about how such and such teacher adores their kid or they are teachers’ pet. Same with nurseries. Sure they are good at connecting with all the kids maybe some more than others but they are paid to engage with them to some degree. Nursery staff would be highly unlikely to “ love” your child. Sometimes “ love” isn’t as good as it sounds. So me parents’ idea of love can be pretty toxic and a more robust form of caring with boundaries is preferable