To think we're deluding ourselves over childcare?

[aliteralAIBUforonce]

I have a child who goes to nursery one day a week. I am very lucky that I can go part time and family have the rest of the time.

He's been doing this since he was 11 months and I hate it. He doesn't dislike it but he doesn't look forward to it either. A couple of times o have dropped him off then had to duck back into the cloak room and I've seen him looking rather lost and alone at the breakfast table. Breaks my heart.

A few times when I've been out and about I've seen staff from nurseries taking groups of kids out. They never, ever engage with the kids. Just each other. Bloody joyless experience by the looks of it. Those are the better ones too.

AIBU to think that we're going to see an epidemic of adolescent mental health problems is the next few years?

This is a shit was to bring up our kids.

TuckMyWin, that sounds fab. The fact they have a low turnover of staff as you say suggests the staff are well paid and treated with respect. I'd love to know what they earn.

Oh dear, sounds like you've either picked a duff nursery or your dc is struggling there fir whatever reason.

Sounds like you need to change.

I think there probably is a link. but what is the alternative? I don't want to stay home with the kids, we can't afford for my husband to. Maybe I should just not have had kids? I don't know.

Mind you, the first nursery we tried my eldest in, whilst supposedly a good nursery, was a complete disaster. I pulled him out after a week and sent him to a childminder, then sent him and his younger brother to our current nursery a couple of years later when our childminder stopped childminding. Honestly, now, I can see the difference in the two settings is massive. Find a better nursery, and don't send your child there just one day a week. The other children will be there much more, and will form greater bonds with each other as a result. That might not be important at 2, but it will be soon.

My nursery have just advertised a room leader role at £22k which isn’t great, but not minimum wage anyway. They also apparently get performance bonus(?) they get a large discount for their own children so lots of mothers work there and have their children in the nursery too. Very low turnover, of the 20 or so staff about 8 have been there for the 5 years we’ve used the nursery

I don't expect people to be keeping up with the current research, but I find it astonishing that so many people are speculating that there must be a link between rising mental health issues and childcare and for it not to even occur to them that of course people have researched that, and that if there was the obvious link on a population level that they think there is then of course it would be obvious in the data and widely known. Do you honestly think you've just had a bright idea that's never occurred to the entire field of psychology/child development?

Your nursery just sounds shit - I would shop around!

Passthecherrycoke - sounds similar. A lot of the staff at our nursery have children at the same nursery, or the sister nursery.

Honestly OP, I'd have felt the same as you if I'd only experienced the first nursery my child went to. Better nurseries do exist. And it doesn't come down to ofsted ratings. Ours is well known locally for being fab- and expensive because of it. It's rated good. I don't much care if it never gets outstanding.

Incidentally, the biggest actual, measurable change in western parenting in the last fifty years isn't the rise of childcare, it's the massive increase in the intensity of parenting. One US study found that parents were spending twice as much time on childcare as they did in 1965, despite the rise in women's average working hours: www.pewsocialtrends.org/2013/03/14/modern-parenthood-roles-of-moms-and-dads-converge-as-they-balance-work-and-family/

In 1965 the average US woman was spending three times longer on housework than active interaction with their child.

If we're talking about historical and cultural anomalies, then 'one woman spending pretty much all day instantly responding to one child' is much 'weirder' than 'child cared for by a group of adults in a group setting alongside other, non-related children'. Which I don't think makes it any inherently better or worse - using toilet paper is also 'weird', both culturally and historically, but I happen to think it's a good idea - but don't present it as the universal norm from which modern working mothers are dangerously deviating

I think this is just a bit of mama guilt, don’t overthink it. It might be that because he only goes once a week it takes like half hour to “warm” to it and then gets stuck in. Surely he has like a keyworker, discuss it with them, they must get a lot of mums asking whether they’re settling and happy at nursery

I was a full time SAHM and my DC had a pretty idyllic childhood. Sadly it didn’t stop them developing mental health issues as they entered adulthood.

All we can do for our kids is the best we know how to at the time. If you genuinely think the nursery isn’t the best place for your child, make other arrangements, but there is no perfect parent or perfect way to raise a child. You can’t guarantee good mental health anymore than you can guarantee perfect physical health.

Hmm. One of the reasons I chose my daughter's preschool was that I saw the staff out at the park with the kids and they were fully engaged with them and having a lot of fun and laughs. Maybe look at another childcare provider.

Yours won’t be a popular view because people all want expensive holidays

So insulting. Most people work to keep a roof over their heads and food in their bellies. Many women are the main breadwinners so have to work.

My DD goes to a childminder for most of the week. They pick her up and drop her off, she's more than happy to go, has several "best friends" there, they built a playground in their back garden. They threw her a birthday party when it was her birthday, they do a lot of activities and trips. But not much focus on education, which a lot of nurseries have. She's not really on top of numbers, letters etc. Like her friends who go to nursery settings (who are also fine, socially... By the way)

If you aren't happy with your child care setting, change. We had to "shop around" a bit before finding the right one

Some parents kid themselves about nurseries, other kid themselves about family providing childcare.
Best to do it yourself if you want to be 100% certain, and it's free, so win win.

I’ll never understand the

great education thing at nursery - all children end up pretty much equal by year 6 regardless of nursery/ childminder/ or neither.

I have worked in a few nurseries personally wouldn’t send my children to any of them ,

Try and find a childminder and go with your gut feeling . Lots of young people get into childcare now and seem totally bored by it .
Personally I think the under twos are better in a home environment.

I feel ill about having to put dd into childcare so i can return to work. I desperately don't want to but can't afford not to work. I actually think it's going to impact my mental health massively when the time comes.

DD had a bad day last week. We went for a walk in the pram which was distraction enough to sooth her but it did make me think, what would they do with her in nursery if she was like that?

Rarfy

Does it not cost more in childcare than what you make?
I think a lot of people don't work post dc because of this, it wipes a full wage out for most.

@Rarfy childcare isn't nursery only.

@Rarfy, if they're a good nursery, they'll try all sorts of things - cuddles, rocking, comforters, distraction, music, sensory activities etc etc. Whether they can take her out in a buggy will depend on staffing ratios, unlikely to be able to go on her own but my son's nursery regularly takes small groups out for walks. It's not quite the same as being at home with mummy, but any decent nursery will try their best to keep all their charges happy. DS1 has been going since he was 9 months, now almost 3 and we're very happy with our choice. He's not one for running in and having to be dragged away like some describe; he's always happy to see us at the end of the day, but he is also delighted to see his keyworker in the morning and tells us loads of things he's been doing. It's hard leaving them at first but if you find a good place then you will learn to feel secure about it.

@BirdsInTheAttic I agree. We opted for a childminder for our second child and really wish we had for our first. It's a huge difference from a nursery. A much more nurturing environment IMO.

The opinions of those who have worked in these settings are really interesting.

No one should be made to feel guilty for trying to do the best for their family.

My eldest never settled well at nursery On one day a week, but I couldn't shake the feeling it generally wasn't right for her personality- but I'm sure other children can and do cope brilliantly.

It's just so hard for parents when standards of childcare vary so wildly,

I do think it's a topic worth debating- but without recrimination and judgement.

Shame on you OP. You are using your experience of choosing a bad nursery to bring everyone down who uses a nursery. Nasty.