To think adult birthday wishlists are grabby and cheeky?

[IsThisACheekyThingToDo]

My Mil sends a wishlist for her birthday and Christmas every year. Nothing is cheap, nothing below 60 pounds, some of the items are 80 to 100 pounds. I thought mainly children did this. Do you have any adults who send gift wishlists to you for their birthdays and Christmas?
AIBU to think it's grabby and cheeky to send a wishlist if you are not asked for one?
Is it unreasonable for me and dh to not get something on her wishlist?
When we don't get something from her wishlist she has a very disappointed look on her face after she opens the present.

@Funghi

Sounds the best way to go.

AIBU to think it's grabby and cheeky to send a wishlist if you are not asked for one?

No, you're not BU, and the disappointed looks if you go off-list are just downright rude. Frankly I get tired of the endless expectations from folk who've apparently forgotten what "gift" actually means

As with all of them - birthdays, weddings, whatever - it's fine to offer some suggestions if you're asked - otherwise just keep schtum apart from a nicely phrased thank you

Wish lists are great.

BUT

Not unless you're asked.

There is reasonable priced items on it.

You don't sulk if you don't stuff on your list.

Any of the above is prima Donna stuff.

We do buy adults in our family by immediate family only. We all do lists to as it helps everyone - we all get asked so that way it makes it easier. However we all have a limit on what we spend and never have anything more than about £30 and lots below.

Saying wishlists are grabby is BU, but a MIL who only puts very expensive items on the list or people who sulk if you go off the list are definitely BU.

My Mil has been asking me for my birthday wishlist for a month already.... My birthday is towards the end of October!
And I tend to write "surprise" on it but apparently that's not good enough.. I hate asking for presents it feels grabby to me.

Gift exchanges are a fairly well-establihsed, long term part of human cultures. It used to be (broadly) the case that gifts at festivals were specific - certain fruits, or religious accessories, which people exchanged.
To an extent, the idea of a'what I want next time you're buying me a gift' list isn't awful. White wine rather than red, chutney rather than jam, socks rather than gloves, the latest book by my favourite author rather than the ones I already have, etc.
But people who specify stuff that's outside other people's budgets, and issue their demands without any discussion: those people atre grabby brats.

GRABBY wishlists are grabby. No surprise there. But with a different set of adults, wishlists can equally be used to suggest that a cheap and accessible gifts that the giver might never have thought of would actually make someone happy.
After a stay in the UK some years ago, my SIL puts Quaker Oats on her Christmas list every year. Hardly going to break the bank, but will be appreciated.

I love my ILs but they are from a very different world yo me. My house was filled with unwanted gifts because i didnt give them wish lists. That has now changed. I dont celebrate my birthday with them, no party. PILs still buy me something but ask for a wish list. So much better.

DH and I have pretty large families and with babies coming along it was all getting v expensive. I sent a text to mine and DH’S Parents and our siblings suggesting that we limit Xmas presents to £10 per couple or single adult with a theme agreed (such as a game we can all play, or an item we can all buy from an iron mongers , or gift of homemade sweets or biscuits etc). For children up to 21 we would still buy nice present up to £25. It became very competitive with people proposing ideas way before Xmas. Then the under 21’s asked if they could propose themes and come into the £10ers early. It’s great - all the kids want to propose and join the £10 team. Couple of years ago the theme was music. We bought loads of cheap music instruments on Ebay (under £10) and DH wrote some music for all the family to play on their cheap and dodgy instruments . I even sourced a didgerdoo for less than £10!

Voucher towards one of her chosen gifts with a nice kind saying happy birthday/Christmas, hope this contributes towards... Job done!

Mum asks me, i rarely comply, she sends a cheque for my birthday but due to the random Christmas presents (costing lots of cash) I have started actually telling her what I need eg a drill or a set of car mats!

Wish lists aren't grabby.

I'd much rather buy something that I know someone wants or needs as opposed to me buying something that ends up in landfill or the charity shop.

Your MIL is greedy for expecting £60+ presents though.

I don't have a wish list, but if I did, it would have presents that cost no more then £20 and could be bought from lots of different shops.

I ignore all gift lists including wedding ones

My IL ask for wishlists from DH and I. If you don't provide one (as I didn't this year as I didn't want anything) you get increasing hassle via phone, WhatsApp etc until you do. DH has asked for and got drain cleaning gloves before! I guess they just want to make sure they get you something you want

Mine do this too, it drives me crazy. IMO part of the point of giving a gift is putting some thought into it. I have no desire to dish out a list of things I'd like to receive, as the list of things I'd genuinely like to receive is more expensive than things I would expect others to buy me, so I end up asking for really boring functional things that I would have bought myself anyway. I HATE it, it's making me mad just writing it down. Whenever I refuse they deliberately buy awful gifts. I honestly don't think adults should be buying each other gifts anyway, let alone sending out wish lists. Your MiL sounds even more ridiculous than mine.

*We just said something along the lines of

we aren’t buying for adults this Christmas so please don’t buy for us, we all have so much stuff and there isn’t anything we need so let’s just buy for the children from now on.

We do still buy for birthdays.*

Just do this OP. This is what we said too.

Due to the size of family on dps side we decided to not do birthdays and still do Christmas because that's the one we spend all together. I tend to buy through out the year because we don't do birthdays if I see an offer and think that would be nice for..... I pick it up and put it in the cupboard. Spreads the Christmas cost and I think we enjoy it more than doing birthdays as we all get to see everyone open gifts together. The kids love it.

I ask my 3 adult DC for one; and they ask me for a list of 5 - 10 ideas for members of our immediate family. It saves us all wasting money on unwanted presents - but we always put in some items costing £5 - £10, for those with not much money!

Funghi great idea

EmpressJewel thinking about it, alot of the items on mil's wishlist can only be bought from one store and the wishlist is always just a link to the items on their website. So it's hard to shop around to get it cheaper as well

My MIL does this. Its infuriating, as she encourages her adult children to do the same. She's also super ungrateful when we get her what she's asked for so its a lose-lose situation. We cant afford to spend £50 on one person, as our immediate families are massive, so it adds up really quickly.

This year to combat the festering air of spoiled grabby entitlement from the inlaes, DP and I are making a family present box - so a board game, some family movies, hot chocolate and all sorts of christmas themed snacks and things. Budget is £50 for all of them. And if they are as ungrateful as they have been the last 2 Christmases, they get nothing next year.

I just don't understand the mentality of people expecting to receive expensive gifts when they know the giver is going to struggle/go without in order to fund it.

Using wishlist is good and nice manner. It will help to get and give presents that are wanted. Everybody wants to give a present that is wanted, and everybody would like to receive present that is wished. It is also ecological thing to use wishlist, as it reduces the junk.

However, asking too expensive items with the wishlist is bad thing. Wishlist should always hold a items in different values.