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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think adult birthday wishlists are grabby and cheeky?

121 replies

IsThisACheekyThingToDo · 26/08/2019 11:45

My Mil sends a wishlist for her birthday and Christmas every year. Nothing is cheap, nothing below 60 pounds, some of the items are 80 to 100 pounds. I thought mainly children did this. Do you have any adults who send gift wishlists to you for their birthdays and Christmas?
AIBU to think it's grabby and cheeky to send a wishlist if you are not asked for one?
Is it unreasonable for me and dh to not get something on her wishlist?
When we don't get something from her wishlist she has a very disappointed look on her face after she opens the present.

OP posts:
Original poster
IsThisACheekyThingToDo · 26/08/2019 13:17

Funghi my Sil is a bit like your sister but not as bad. We receive a wishlist with one item usually 60 - 80 pounds. She huffs while opening it if she doesn't get what she wanted. We never get a thank you. We just get cheap tat for 5 - 10 pounds in return.

OP posts:
greenwaterbottle · 26/08/2019 13:17

I'd get dh to send a text

Hi pil, bills are looking tight this year as we are saving up for x.
We've decided just to do token presents for adults birthdays and would like to set up a secret Santa at Xmas with a limit of £x
We know this is a big change but hope you can appreciate why.
See you soon.

Pollydron · 26/08/2019 13:20

I’d also love to stop adult presents at Christmas, although I get accused of being a Grinch. I love shopping for DC but find both buying and receiving for anyone over the age of about 20 quite exhausting.

DH’s family have always gone with the wishlist concept and I fought it tooth and nail for many years. I think it’s naff, plus why not just go out and buy those items for yourself when you need or want them?

I had a partial victory for a few years when we all agreed to go and buy each other an item worth £x in the post-Christmas sales. We actually had fun doing it but it somehow fell by the wayside.

So I grudgingly accept that the wishlist saves a lot of time and angst and, for me, is worth the misery of running around the shops. I detest shopping and have better things to be doing with my time.

Not to mention that if there isn’t a wishlist, everyone emails me asking what to get DH etc for Christmas/birthday and, because I’m a muggins, I hand over all my best ideas only to be left frantically scouring the shops at the last minute.

Apologies for the rant on your thread OP but shopping is something I get quite crabby about. First world problems and all that...

TempleCloud · 26/08/2019 13:20

Agree with the others, tell don't ask. Make it a statement that only children get presents from now on or set a £10 limit if you feel there must be presents. MIL seems very grabby - is she normally an attention seeker? TBH I'd have stopped buying after the sulking when she did not get something from her list.

I have to say though, we all have too much stuff already.

billy1966 · 26/08/2019 13:21

It's just another example of being bullied if you feel like you can't bow out of something like this.

We had a great system when the children were small. We each bought a gifts for our own children that we knew they would like max 10-15 pounds and wrapped them etc. At Christmas the adults would discreetly do the exchange of gifts out of sight of the children when we would meet up.
The children were always so impressed with what they received from their Aunties and Uncle's as it was always something they wanted.

It was a very practical way of doing things. I would pick things up throughout the year to that value and know that they would be an ideal present.

It was DH and his brothers who came up with the idea.

MulticolourMophead · 26/08/2019 13:21

We do lists, not to be grabby, but because we all want to make sure we give each other things we actually want.

The lists rarely have expensive items on, I've got a link to some wool I want for crochet on my list.

ourkidmolly · 26/08/2019 13:24

But why are you allowing yourself to be treated like a piece of shit? You spend £80 and are poor, they spend £15 and are rich? You can't ask for cash, they can? Confused Are you always such a doormat?

TiredOldTable · 26/08/2019 13:25

I think that adult gifts for birthday and Christmas are unnecessary and we don’t do it

But if you are a family does then a wish list is a great idea rather than exchange unwanted gifts. Not cheeky, being honest most of us probably don’t know our parents or siblings well enough to get that perfect gift.

Original poster
IsThisACheekyThingToDo · 26/08/2019 13:26

Pollydron I would get accused of something similar especially by mil and sil. A Grinch who is trying to ruin their Christmas. I think bil would be relieved by an adult gift free Christmas though. I agree shopping especially around Christmas is a bit crappy.

OP posts:
Coulddowithanap · 26/08/2019 13:27

We do lists in our family. If there is something expensive someone wants then we all club together to buy it. For example my husband wanted something that cost over £100. My family all put an amount towards it (£15-20 each) and then I paid the difference. Just means we don't end up with several presents that we just don't use or want.

Leighhalfpennysthigh · 26/08/2019 13:27

For those who advocate children only presents - that's fine for those relatives who are parents, but often what happens is that children will buy their parents a gift, spouses will buy their other half a gift and the single, childless person ends up with bugger all.

SmudgeButt · 26/08/2019 13:28

"I would love to stop adult gifts at Christmas."

Well then just say you're not doing it anymore. Chances are others in the family will breathe a sigh of relief.

And anyone who says "oh it's just £60 - 80, that's not a lot" has no imagination. Say there's 5 people you're buying for in a year, that's £60+ for birthdays and the same again for Christmas. That's £600 a year. For that you could buy a cheap car, pay the electric or have a weekend away for the family. Things that you may need or that you and the kids might enjoy. For some people that may be a whole month's salary after taxes - particularly if it's a mom working part-time.

So just say no, and email them a picture of a home made card. No charge.

IncyWincyGrownUp · 26/08/2019 13:31

I felt guilty for asking for a paperback for my birthday, even though I was asked what I’d like. I felt even more guilty to then get that book and the sequel. I can’t imagine having the front to send an unsolicited wish list to anybody.

BrokenWing · 26/08/2019 13:32

We just get cheap tat for 5 - 10 pounds in return.

It is his family, leave it to your dh to sort out one way or the other, he can buy/wrap and give and deal with the huffs. Don't take the huffs personally, just say your son/brother chose it for you.

justasking111 · 26/08/2019 13:43

We do wishlists for 2 DS married because they are so hard to buy for it helps their wives out as well. With the grandchildren we get a whats app link so that we buy something suitable not plastic crap which fills the house, other granny (cough) I can buy for DILs no problem it is the men in the family that are a pain in the ass. Actually I am too because all I want are photographs of the children. Grin

sall74 · 26/08/2019 13:45

I can't remember the last time I actually asked for something/anything for my birthday, probably was back when I was still a school child.

Even if there is something I want or need I just tell people there's nothing I want as it just feels 'grabby' to me.

My mother on the other hand even if there is nothing she needs (as she's already treated herself to everything she ever wants) will quite openly just tell people to give her money!

I suppose it's a generational thing and with my mother coming from the ''me, me, me, I'm entitled to everything generation'' that are the boomers, it's no real surprise.

cheeseypuff · 26/08/2019 13:47

My MIL does this for us to choose presents our for birthdays/ xmas. I'm not massively comfortable with it tbh but I get that she wants to buy us something we want/ need. There isn't much we can't buy ourselves though & I'm always a bit unsure as to how much she wants to spend. Personally I'd rather have a surprise or she asked my OH what I'd like.

Someonesayroadtrip · 26/08/2019 13:47

I have an amazon wish list. I've never sent it to anyone though. My mum and husband look at it and they have their own. My husband's has hysterical things like a £1000 kayak 😂 ... none of us expect anyone to buy anything off our wish lists, but to be fair mine is mostly books. It's kind of just a safe place to keep things we want, like I fully expect my husband to spontaneously buy the kayak one day 😂

I have kids wish lists on there too, but it's just for me to look into as and when.

It's very grabby to tell someone what to get them.

Thehop · 26/08/2019 13:47

We told everyone one summer that we weren’t buying any adult gifts for birthdays or Christmas anymore. After a year or two of moaning, everyone has joined in and admitted it suits them all much better! No stress and no panicking about money we don’t have!

OtraCosaMariposa · 26/08/2019 13:47

Totally ridiculous. I'll sometimes ask adult relatives what they want and will get replies like "could do with a new book to take on holiday" or "a nice wool scarf would be nice" but that's all the detail you get. Certainly not links to specific products.

daisychain01 · 26/08/2019 13:48

Tell your ILs that the messages Extinction Rebellion have given this year about global waste and consumerism have had such an impact on you that you're only doing eCards* and donations to eco friendly charities 'on behalf of'.

And that you hope they understand but don't give a stuff if they don't

  • Jacquielawson.com does the most amazing ecards.
lubeybooby · 26/08/2019 13:49

YABU for a few reasons

  1. You don't have to buy from them
  1. People only do them for the people who want to get them something but have no clue what. If you're not one of those people then cool get whatever you feel is right or nothing at all.
  1. People do them to avoid receiving unwanted gifts from those people who DO want to buy them something - again if you are not in this category then what's the problem? Don't get them something or chuck them a shite box of milk tray or a rank baylis and harding gift set

...and before anyone asks, no I don't have a gift list anywhere but I'm also not such a funhating melon that I have a problem with others who do. I find it useful when others do!

AryaStarkWolf · 26/08/2019 13:51

Never came across this in r/l. I would find it odd though

lubeybooby · 26/08/2019 13:51

also I'm answering the title not the message - the MIL here is unreasonable to not have any cheaper options and to not be grateful for what she receives.

pinkstripeycat · 26/08/2019 13:53

It is grabby and weird for a parent to do. Why does she need to ask for such expensive presents. My mum is happy with a plant for her garden. She wouldn’t dream of providing a list of things she wants!