To think adult birthday wishlists are grabby and cheeky?

[IsThisACheekyThingToDo]

My Mil sends a wishlist for her birthday and Christmas every year. Nothing is cheap, nothing below 60 pounds, some of the items are 80 to 100 pounds. I thought mainly children did this. Do you have any adults who send gift wishlists to you for their birthdays and Christmas?
AIBU to think it's grabby and cheeky to send a wishlist if you are not asked for one?
Is it unreasonable for me and dh to not get something on her wishlist?
When we don't get something from her wishlist she has a very disappointed look on her face after she opens the present.

Our family (4 adult children, my 3 sibs have kids, I don't, our parents are dead) do a Secret Santa at Christmas for the adults, though the kids get presents). It works well for us.

The adults exchange bday cards with each other, but presents only on milestone birthdays. My own rule for nieces and nephews birthdays is presents till they're about 12 or 13, then cash or Amazon vouchers till 21, then just cards. I usually give them between £15-30, or up to £50 for an 18th or 21st.

It is not a lot of money but only if you have it.

I am eternally flummoxed by adults who make a big deal of their birthdays, particularly when its grandparents but I often think its a way of making themselves still the focus of attention. In my experience its only the very narcissistic that make demands on their birthdays.

My mother is like this, nothing is ever enough and after all these years I really resent doing anything for her birthday.

Cake, maybe lunch or dinner out should be enough and if its affordable some sort of gift.

I think it's ok as long as the understanding is that they're optional-especially if the prices start at £60!

Also think it's grabby.
I am also really pointlessly annoyed with those 'birthday fundraisers' shared on social media, virtue signalling nonsense.

Fully agree with lubeyboobey. We do wishlists in my family and find them very useful.

It's not the wishlist that's the problem, it's your mother-in-law. Just be straight - we can't afford anything on your list, have you got any smaller options.

We do it for Christmas. It doesn't feel grabby because we all have a list at the same time, and we make sure that nothing on it is ever over £30. No lists for birthdays though, except for the children.

It's totally wrong for adults to make these lists, Its shameful really,that people would even think of doing this. If the MIL has done this for years,she has probably got enough of everything already.

I voted YANBU as I definitely think it’s grabby to send an unasked for wish list. But don’t think it would be cheeky to have one, but only send it if requested. And have things on it for all budgets.
I occasionally drop hints to my ds around my birthday etc, but that’s because I’m a single mum, I know he’d want to buy for me, but doesn’t always know what. It tends to be cheaper items though like “ooh I’m really needing a new pair of slippers..”

Shameful that your FIL ons four properties and is well off, but asks for money for his birthday. Even worse if he's told you and DH you are not allowed to request money for your own birthdays.

My grown up kids usually ask me for ideas for my birthday.
I don't give ideas for anything over £20- £25.
We don't do gifts to each other for Christmas now because there are so many grandchildren to buy for. It's too expensive for them and for us.
There seems to all these 'rules' these days. When I was a child, and in my teens, people tended to buy really simple inexpensive gifts and didn't necessarily expect one back. I can't remember ever hearing people moaning about gift exchanges etc.

We do wish lists here, birthdays and Christmases. With links.
No pressure, it just means that people have the opportunity to get someone a gift they really want, and we have numerous weird hobbies and interests, so it’s very unlikely that we’d know what the other person is talking about without a link.
Not compulsory, it works very well for us.

To be fair between two people (you and your DH) I don't think £60-£80 for a birthday present is hugely extravagant, unless she knows you're not as well off as she might be? It's £30-£40 each, which is about what I'd spend for a birthday

For us, spending £30 between us on a parents birthday present would be plenty. My brother and I went halves this year on a present for our dad, it cost £40. We both have spouses too and I have 3 dc. So it was £40 between 7 of us. My dad would never have thought that wasn’t enough and he loved his gift. He would not thank us for spending a lot on his present. He often tells us not to buy him anything, he’d rather we went and spent the day with him. I’m grateful I don’t have really grabby parents, who expect us to spend money we can’t really afford on them.

I generally think having a wishlist is a really good idea, but the mil has been really rude in only having really expensive things on it. If she insists on having one, she should ensure it has gifts on it for various budgets and understand that not everyone wants to spend £80 on her birthday gift.

Uh that's cheeky as hell!

Bottle of wine and a card - job done

I spend about £50 on my mum for her birthday and dh will spend more or less on mil depending on his expenses. I think it is grabby to set up a wishlist however my mum does always ask what I want even though I have told her to stop buying for me as she buys for my kid's birthdays. If she insists I always pick something £50 or under as I just don't need so much stuff, I would rather go out for lunch or afternoon tea. If asked my mum will say she needs a new bag or what not and I would buy it within my budget, she is not the type to specify a brand. She is being unreasonable but is being allowed to get away with it! Don't get into debt or make things tight for yourselves just over presents.

Re-wrap whatever presents they give you & give them back to them on their birthday/Christmas - obviously don't use the things before you do. Watch their little faces light up with joy at the collection of cheap tat.
Just tell them it's a choice for you between giving in to their unreasonable demands for stuff you can't afford or putting food on the table for your DC & clothes on their backs & you've chosen to go with option 2.

We all stopped buying for adults in my family many years ago because it cost too much for everyone. We stopped buying presents for each others DC as they got older too, just money in a card which they appreciated much more at that stage.

I love Amazon wish lists-they are very useful!

Mil is quite well off. Her and fil have 4 properties between them and mortgage paid off etc. We live in a small house and have alot more expenses due to childcare expenses and mortgage etc, so things are certainly tighter for us. 60 - 80 pounds for both birthdays and Christmas plus all the other adults in family to buy for makes it quite expensive. She and fil don't spend that much on me for Christmas/ birthdays etc.

This is just cheeky and self absorbed though.

I was going to say YABU as with a big family who always ask what I want, sometimes it's easy to have a list of things I like so they have an idea.
Your MIL is being an absolute cheeky grabby so and so though, 60 - 80 pounds? Stuff I say is something like a book or a dvd I'd like which are about a tenner, and if I didn't get them of course I wouldn't mind!
Get something off list, she's being ridiculous.

When we don't get something from her wishlist she has a very disappointed look on her face after she opens the present

She wouldn't be getting another present from me.

"Obviously my gifts don't match up to her standards so rather than cause her disappointment, I won't offend her further by continuing to give her unwanted gifts"

To be fair between two people (you and your DH) I don't think £60-£80 for a birthday present is hugely extravagant

I think £60-80 is loads for a gift for your Mum. It's not really between 2 people because you're a couple - you wouldn't get a separate present from you and from DH.

My mum had a milestone birthday and my brother and me/DH went halves on a bigger than usual present. We spent £30 each. My mum was annoyed because she said it was far too much, we usually get her a book or take her out for coffee and cake for £10.

But it is irrelevant what we think about the cost. It's obviously too much for you and especially if you only get a token gift in return. I would just buy her a small thing and if she huffs about it, she is the one who looks like an ungrateful child.

Have you tried giving your MIL a list of what YOU want for XMas/your birthday, with everything on it £80-100? You could get quite a few household necessities that way . Though I do like the idea a pp had for re-wrapping what they gave you last time and see how they like that.

I did a list for my DSis for my recent birthday. It had a mahoosive list of all my favorite chocolate & nibbles on it, I think the most expensive item was £2, and asked her to mix & match whatever she felt like from it & spend as much/little as she wanted as everything would be gratefully appreciated & eaten. I would have been happy with just a couple of multi packs of Caramels or Wispas, but as it was she got me a big mixed basket of Stuff that all came specifically from the list . Luffs my DSis.

did she know you were struggling? What does she buy for your birthday and Christmas? I'm going to bet its something cheap?

Yes she did, her response would always be: ‘other people on benefits manage to afford presents’.

The only gifts she gives others are always regifted things she and the DC don’t want. I’ve received boggle twice. Maybe I should give her a list this year.

Funghi
her response would always be: ‘other people on benefits manage to afford presents’ I'm lost for words, just awful. Very selfish and very self centered of her.

I’ve received boggle twice aren't you tempted to regift and give her boogle this Christmas?

seems too generous. Maybe I’ll give her one boggle cube a year from now on, make her really appreciate it when she has the full set.