To think adult birthday wishlists are grabby and cheeky?

[IsThisACheekyThingToDo]

My Mil sends a wishlist for her birthday and Christmas every year. Nothing is cheap, nothing below 60 pounds, some of the items are 80 to 100 pounds. I thought mainly children did this. Do you have any adults who send gift wishlists to you for their birthdays and Christmas?
AIBU to think it's grabby and cheeky to send a wishlist if you are not asked for one?
Is it unreasonable for me and dh to not get something on her wishlist?
When we don't get something from her wishlist she has a very disappointed look on her face after she opens the present.

You ring them now and say "we've decided we're not going to buy any adult Christmas presents this year so will only be buying for the children. Obviously we don't expect anyone to buy for the adults in the house either".
How they respond is not your responsibility.

I've got an amazon wish list that I direct people to if they don't know what to buy me if they have expressed a desire to buy me something but I would never send it out without being asked!!

That’s very odd and I’d not be humouring it

We do wish lists in our family. It's just easier than wasting your time, effort and money on a present no one wants. We do all have various items with various prices on them. I have things priced at £60 or more on mine. I don't expect anyone to buy me them. I generally put the pricier things on for DH. Or sometimes if we know someone wants something expensive we give vouchers to get it as a collative present. I'd never expect anything.

timshelthechoice I’ve no idea why I go along with it. Maybe it’s to avoid the drama. She once stopped speaking to me for almost a year for daring to ignore birthday and Christmas lists (because I genuinely couldn’t afford anything outside of my bills).

To be honest it was probably the most relaxing year of my life though so I may well go back to ignoring the lists

How did you persuade your family to go along with a no adult gift Christmas?

We just said something along the lines of

we aren’t buying for adults this Christmas so please don’t buy for us, we all have so much stuff and there isn’t anything we need so let’s just buy for the children from now on.

We do still buy for birthdays.

We do lists in my family and my ILs family because we're going to be getting each other something and we'd rather it was something that was wanted/needed. It makes it easier to shop for people, too! Everyone includes things at a range of prices though starting with things that are just a few quid. And it's ok to go off-list too.

we don't buy for birthdays or do christmas, don't celebrate it, simple.

Adults who make a fuss about their birthdays are embarrassing

Not at all, it is nice to celebrate. I spent many many years ignoring my birthday because to me it represented that fact that I was getting older whilst my late husband was dead and it made me feel as if I was drifting further away from him. But eventually I realised that it's nice to celebrate being alive for another year and, as an adult, it is also nice to have people celebrate with me and receive gifts. I don't give a shit if that makes me embarrassing or grabby. Anyone who is so miserly and miserable as to think that has no room in my life anyway.

As for wish lists - I love them. My family and friends all have amazon wishlists and each birthday/Christmas we just have a look and choose something. Job done and the recipient gets something they want and love.

It is beyond cheeky OP, and I would ignore everything on her list every single time until she got the message that she gets what she's given unless you decide to ask her for ideas. And if some one asked me what I wanted I would chose something that cost no more than $20 because unlike Lockheart I live in the real world and recognise that 60 to 100 quid is a hell of a lot of money to spend on a present for an inlaw

Send her a polite message and say that due to rising costs you are scaling back on gifts and whilst you appreciate the heads up with her wishlist - you have set an adult gift budget at no more than 25.00 per person and could she adjust the wish lists accordingly.

Also, take the opportunity to suggest adults only with extended family members - with kids.

You're failing to distinguish between wish lists in general, and the grabby behaviour of MIL in particular.

As to adult presents at Christmas - no wonder people feel "Christmas is only for the children" if you cut out the adults from a key part of it. No to presents to relatives I see only once a year if that, but certainly presents for the adults in my everyday life and who will be with me on Christmas Day.

I have an Amazon wishlist but I don't send it anyone unless they ask for it. My whole family do this, it works for us.

My MIL however, buys herself presents then gives them to my fiance for us to wrap and give back to her (DF transfers her the money too obv)
I think it stems from when her two sons were teenagers so she did this as they were typical boys, not knowing what to get and my DF barely goes in a shop. It kills me every year, drives me batty. He's told her but not strongly enough as she has carried on!

My SIL did this for her 40th birthday, so grabby and presumptive that I deliberately ignored it!

Very rude of her.
I usually ask my adult children, mum and other family what they want for Christmas, and they always come back a range of items at a range if prices. Mum would say something like: a new black handbag, Anais Anais, some decent black leggings and a new diary, and she’d be equally rapturous about any of the above.

Daughter does email links to specific things (when asked what she wants) - but none of them are very expensive items, think boots from Dorothy Perkins. She also gives a range of options and prices.

Always been completely normal in my family - at Christmas everyone would write a list, including Mum and Dad. That just means everyone gets something they want. Rarely is it ultra specific or expensive - leather gloves could be expensive, but there would also be things like “bubble bath” which is as expensive as you make it.

My DH’s family don’t do lists (although MIL asks for suggestions for the DC) and so invariably you get some thoughtfully chosen stuff but not always to your taste or anything you really want. I don’t like waste so that always makes me feel awkward.

I think in normal situations a wish list for presents isn't grabby at all, if it is what you and your family have decided to do.

We have them between us as a family. We used to ask for ideas back before it was as easy to set up, not we use Amazon wish lists but also add things from other sites, and add general ideas comments totem too, rather than just specific items. We also include a range of items with varying prices. Plus we all know a rough price range we spend on family gifts anyway. Everyone is also free to go 'off its' too if they have an idea of their own - the lists are just there for some pointers if you want them as we all acknowledge it can be hard sometimes, but all want to buy gifts.

It just makes life easier for us all. We all use them and there is nothing grabby about it!

How did you persuade your family to go along with a no adult gift Christmas?

You simply tell them that you/Dh are bowing out of gift exchanges from now on and not to get you anything. It's very easy. I did it years ago, my parents/siblings continued between themselves. The world didn't end.

As for expecting birthday gifts, I'd start giving a £20 bunch of flowers with a card and say nothing more about it. She can sulk all she wants.

I don’t see the problem with adult wishlists. In this day and age I think we should all be less squeamish about it. I absolutely hate receiving junk plastic gifts from Boots 3 for 2 or whatever that I know I’m going to have to throw out or give to charity.

I do see a problem with having a wishlist where nothing’s under £60 though!

This was us too. Until one day we announced 3 weeks before Xmas as moneys tight at the moment, no presents for grown ups, children only (so not to buy us anything). Its been this way the last 7 years. Its great. I only have to buy lovely presents for the children. Sure we were embarrassed saying it at first, but it's a great relief.

Funghi
She once stopped speaking to me for almost a year for daring to ignore birthday and Christmas lists (because I genuinely couldn’t afford anything outside of my bills) that's shockingly grabby of her, did she know you were struggling? What does she buy for your birthday and Christmas? I'm going to bet its something cheap?

This is perfectly normal in my family and saves expensive but wasted or unappreciated gifts being given/received (although everyone would be much too polite to say otherwise). However, I don’t think it would be acceptable if it was known others couldn’t afford it or didn’t want the mutual gift exchanges to take place.

Forgot to say that birthday cards and a small gift (up to £10) for parents and grandparents. Usually a bottle of alcohol. We don't bother with the cousins anymore as they didn't reciprocate. Nothing wrong with living within your means.

Also fil often asks for money for his birthday but we aren't allowed to ask for the same

We have adult wishlists in my family. My own personal wishlist is a mishmash of stuff I also want to buy for myself, I've never given it out unprompted but having other's wishlists saved is really useful.

Sending out a wishlist without being asked for one is CF territory. I have a relative turning 18 in a couple of weeks and I thought he was a bit of a CF for setting one up but am now happy I can buy him something useful for a joint birthday and going to uni present.