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AIBU?

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Original poster

To feel hurt by smug boyfriend comments?

107 replies

OrlaithLaw · 26/08/2019 09:36

Last break up I was cheated on and left, around the same time best friend got with her new boyfriend.

It’s been 6/7 months now and I just get comments all the time of -

  • All his friends are saying he’s whipped
  • All his friends are saying they’ve never seen him this way before
  • His sister introduced me as the future SIL.
  • He said that his friends are OUR friends
  • Constantly showing me and telling me about the bruises from their amazing sex life

I want to feel happy for her ... but it’s hard when it’s being shoved in my face.

Aibu and a horrible friend to feel like this?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 26/08/2019 12:09

So, what had suddenly made so many young women nowadays appear to want this type of rough sex?!

Where are you getting your information from?

Some women have enjoyed rough sex since the dawn of time.

Perhaps you're just hearing about it more now with the rise of internet chatrooms/social media?

formerbabe · 26/08/2019 12:09

It's not for you or anyone else to tell a young woman what is 'normal' in her chosen sex life

People's perception of 'normal' within society change over time, so if you exist in a society/culture that says something is 'normal' then you accept it as being so, without challenging it or even deciding if you are genuinely happy with it.

gingersausage · 26/08/2019 12:10

@WorraLiberty I’m comfortable with being “horribly judgemental” if it saved even one young woman from getting hurt, by showing them that sex doesn’t have to be violent or pornographic to be “normal”.

Original poster
OrlaithLaw · 26/08/2019 12:12

What would happen if she got pregnant? Would she not be able to talk excitedly about that either?

Or if she gets engaged or moves in with him?

For the final time she’s allowed to discuss whatever she wants with me and I’ll always be happy for her (as long as she’s happy.)

But a friendship works both ways. I don’t think she needs to say share such initiate details or constantly repeat the same comments.

And for the record she’s already told me he plans to move in and asked me to plan her hen do (they aren’t engaged) and as a good friend I talk about it with her and share her joy.

But yes sometimes it goes too far and I do get hurt but I’ve always kept those feelings to myself - even when she’s said how horrible it is to be single.

If I was such a shit and bitter friend swimming in resentment I doubt she’d ask me to plan a hen do.

OP posts:
formerbabe · 26/08/2019 12:14

WorraLiberty

Are you really trying to deny that there's not a problem nowadays with porn affecting young men's expectations in regards to sex and the pressure placed on young women.

A quick trip to the relationships board will show you that some very niche practices are now considered acceptable and are expected as soon as a couple get together.

This really wasn't the case decades ago when I was single and dating.

formerbabe · 26/08/2019 12:18

asked me to plan her hen do (they aren’t engaged

She sounds deranged

NeatFreakMama · 26/08/2019 12:18

I wouldn't expect a friend to downplay their happiness at the new relationship but I would expect her to check-in and see that you're doing ok, does she miss that too?

Everyone has ups and downs to share and soon enough shell be down and you'll be up and that's the way it goes but neither person should mute their feelings I don't think. Obviously a little tact might be needed.

ScreamingLadySutch · 26/08/2019 12:20

Sounds like she might be trying to convince herself

WorraLiberty · 26/08/2019 12:27

Are you really trying to deny that there's not a problem nowadays with porn affecting young men's expectations in regards to sex and the pressure placed on young women.

No

However, that's no reason to automatically assume anyone who likes rough sex is either being abused/coerced/doesn't really like it etc.

Actually I think all the talk of sex and bruises has made us all go off track and stray from the OP's point.

The point here is that having broken up 7 months ago with a boyfriend, the OP still seems unable to move on.

OP, have you told her how you feel? Because if not, it may come as a surprise to her and she may start to rein it in a bit.

Bloggersdone · 26/08/2019 12:28

OP, I think you're getting an unbelievably hard time. The pile on is ridiculous.

There's nothing at all wrong with still being upset about a breakup 6 or 7 months later, and the advice to get yourself out there and find someone else is awful. If you want to stay single and recover then you're more than entitled to do that, there is nothing wrong with being single.

I think your friend is being incredibly insensitive. She knows you've been through an upsetting breakup, and whilst it's fair enough that she talks occasionally about her boyfriend, she doesn't have to go on and on about it.

Be good to your friend, rejoice, giggle and share in the joy with her.

Oh come on! A grown woman being told to giggle and rejoice because her mate's seeing a man? Hmm It isn't some great accomplishment.

Runningsmooth · 26/08/2019 12:30

Yabu. She is just happy with her new boyfriend. Happy does not equal smug. You are just choosing to see her happiness in a mean way.

doublesheesh · 26/08/2019 12:45

people, just today I kicked my DH in the eye socket during the act. Nothing abusive going on and we both fell about laughing. Bruises happen.

Aprillygirl · 26/08/2019 12:49

She's in the honeymoon period of her relationship. If you were a true friend she should be able to share her happiness and excitement with you. If you can't handle it that is your problem and maybe you should back away from the friendship.

Original poster
OrlaithLaw · 26/08/2019 12:56

There's nothing at all wrong with still being upset about a breakup 6 or 7 months later, and the advice to get yourself out there and find someone else is awful. If you want to stay single and recover then you're more than entitled to do that, there is nothing wrong with being single.

Thank you. I’m definitely over him and the break up itself.
It’s just my confidence and the thought of putting myself out there to potentially have to go through the same hurt is very daunting because I’m in a better place now and it took a while.
But every relationship is a risk.

Thank you for your kind words.

OP posts:
Bloggersdone · 26/08/2019 12:57

If you were a true friend she should be able to share her happiness and excitement with you. If you can't handle it that is your problem

If the friend was a true friend she'd realise that a bit sensitivity to the feelings of her friend wouldn't go amiss, and not rub her nose in that friend is in a happy relationship and OP is not.

Original poster
OrlaithLaw · 26/08/2019 13:00

She's in the honeymoon period of her relationship. If you were a true friend she should be able to share her happiness and excitement with you.

Where have I said she shouldn’t share it?

I’m pretty certain I never said on here or to her. She should never share any detail of her relationship with me ever.
I just wish she’d tone down the oversharing.

Clearly I hide this well as she’s never once noticed.

At the end of the day as a human being you feel what you feel - anger, sadness, happiness etc and you can’t help it. How you express it you can control.

OP posts:
Aprillygirl · 26/08/2019 13:10

If the friend was a true friend she'd realise that a bit sensitivity to the feelings of her friend wouldn't go amiss, and not rub her nose in that friend is in a happy relationship and OP is not.

It's been over 6 months. OP herself says she's over her ex, so why can't she be happy for her friend?

OP concentrate on ways to build your self esteem instead of wasting time on jealousy.

Jade218 · 26/08/2019 13:25

YABU

Bloggersdone · 26/08/2019 13:32

It's been over 6 months. OP herself says she's over her ex, so why can't she be happy for her friend?

But she has said that she's happy for her friend, but that the oversharing is too much.

If a friend goes on holiday you're pleased for them, but you don't want to look through 300 photos and have to sit through hours of hearing about 'on day 1 we woke up at 10 and had x for breakfast and x for dinner' etc. It's the going on and on about it that OP is objecting to.

Icecreamsoda99 · 26/08/2019 13:32

Hmm the fact she has to constantly tell you this, and I'm taking it that you are getting all the info from her and not him or his friends, does sound like she is desperate to reassure herself that this is all going to work out. It's a bit "the lady doth protest to much" and honestly OP I'd find it very boring and grating to. There is of course the honeymoon period when all you want to do is talk about you OH but this seems like she had to reassure herself by telling you that this is the "one" by backing it up with "evidence" from his sister and friends.

ErickBroch · 26/08/2019 13:38

I think she just sounds really immature and also trying to show off because in reality, things aren't as great as she's making out. People who are genuinely happy in their relationship don't try and brag and show off all the time.

Re: bruises. I like rough sex, lots of people do, it does not mean someone is being abused or anything is wrong.

recrudescence · 26/08/2019 13:53

Try not to see your friend’s behaviour in the context of your own break-up and situation as a singleton - this just makes it feel far more personal that it actually is. What your friend is doing is irritating in its own right but see it for what it is - excitement, infatuation, and superficial validation that will, sooner or later, burn itself out. Whether she’s left with something worth holding onto, only time will tell.

Batcrazymum3 · 26/08/2019 13:55

OP your post has gone from I want to feel happy for her ... but it’s hard when it’s being shoved in my face. to I don’t mind it’s just over sharing

If it’s just she’s telling you things you don’t want to know, tell her that. You must be close if she wants you to plan her hen. But you know it’s more than that. It seems you are jealous that she is happy in a progressing relationship and you’re not. it is a normal reaction to have, especially with someone close to you.

Speak about the oversharing but also get over yourself and be happy for her. Remove her happiness from your unhappiness or it will poison your friendship

Batcrazymum3 · 26/08/2019 13:59

even the title "To feel hurt by smug boyfriend comments" Yes you are being unreasonable

GinbergsHowl · 26/08/2019 14:01

I have no idea what you are talking about, so YABU

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