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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset w 18yo sister?

78 replies

Mirana · 25/08/2019 00:08

Hiya,

Up late fuming so thought I'd get some opinions 😂

I'm currently 18weeks pregnant. I cleared out my wardrobe a couple of weeks ago, and there were lots of party dresses and outfits I couldn't see myself wearing again. All the items were in the £40-£100 range. I have three younger sisters, 18, 16 and 14. They beg me for clothes, so when I clear out they have always had "first dibs" before I sell/charity shop clothing.

Anyway, as this stuff was all a bit more expensive, I took a black bag over to my parents house for said 18yo. I said she could pick what she wanted, but if there's anything she didn't want to please return it, as they have a reasonable value and I could sell on to buy some baby bits! My partner left me when I was 6 weeks so money is tight, and I explained it would help so to let me know. She agreed and was very excited at a big bag of new stuff!

I followed up a week later, and asked if there were any bits left over. She said no, because all the bits she didn't want she had passed to other sisters, which was great.

Anyway, I see on her Depop profile (selling app, bit like eBay) tonight that she is selling some of the clothes! One of the tops she wore once to dinner, and then put it up for sale the same evening, the rest is all unworn.

I'm really hormonal, so I feel awful, but I do feel quite used? And I'm disappointed as I feel like she's used the opportunity for personal gain instead of doing as I asked. The resale value of the stuff I gave her was probably £500-£600 which would have really helped in my situation. I really thought she would return the bits she didn't want instead of hiding it so she could sell them herself.

What would you do? Should I just avoid giving her anything in future? Am I being a megabitch? I really don't want a confrontation but I do feel sad about it :(

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 25/08/2019 00:11

I would be marching over there and telling her YOU will be pocketing the money from the sale of those items. Don't let her get away with this bullshit. She is stealing from you.

Thehop · 25/08/2019 00:13

That’s stealing! Get them back, every damn item and list them yourself! That would pay the bills for a long time!

Catapultaway · 25/08/2019 00:13

I can see why you're annoyed it's a bit cheeky, but once I'd given it away I wouldn't consider it mine anymore so wouldn't care.
If the money was important to you then you should have just sold it yourself.
Congratulations by the way

WhatWhyWhen · 25/08/2019 00:14

Erm you were really clear! You need to be asking her to pay you the money she makes back!

LisaMontgomery · 25/08/2019 00:14

Get them back and never give her anything again! You specifically said that anything she doesn't want to keep for herself should be returned so she can't claim you weren't clear.

WhatWhyWhen · 25/08/2019 00:15

Catapult but OP had made clear SHE would sell them?

Chocolate35 · 25/08/2019 00:17

YANBU, that’s proper CF. Ask her for the money and don’t give her anything again.

Apileofballyhoo · 25/08/2019 00:18

YANBU. Unless she is saving you the bother of selling the clothes yourself? I think it's horrible of her, if not, and it is stealing.

Crunchymum · 25/08/2019 00:18

Why didn't you sell the more high value items and give your sister dibs on the rest?

FrancisCrawford · 25/08/2019 00:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HarrietSchulenberg · 25/08/2019 00:29

Maybe she's intending to give you the money, or buy something for you and the baby.

Rachelover40 · 25/08/2019 00:29

Mirana, I'm so sorry to read this and can understand how you feel. There's not much you can do about it but I must ask, does your mum know? I would think she would have a few choice words for her daughter.

Original poster
Mirana · 25/08/2019 00:32

I could have sold the stuff myself and given them nothing, but I love giving my sisters nice things. I don't want to seem like a stingy giver but it just wasn't really the deal?

I pretty much said, here's a bag of stuff I want to sell, however take anything you want as I'd rather you had anything you like before I do. She took the whole bag (which I didn't even blink at, I thought it was great, and she said she shared with the others) but knowing she did that just to resell herself just left me feeling a bit upset?

I know I'm also hormonal so really trying to be fair about it and not get all emotional over nothing! I guess I'm sad she prioritised money for herself, but maybe that's unfair?

OP posts:
savingshoes · 25/08/2019 00:32

"Aww thanks for putting my clothes up for sale for me so I don't have to. Saw them on your Depop profile and this is a huge weight off my mind. Do you have my account number to transfer my money to me when they sell or shall I send it to you now?" Would probably be how I would challenge her.

summersherewishiwasnt · 25/08/2019 00:34

Politely ask her, what did keep from the bag?? I’ll collect the rest when I leave,
Any deviation or tantrums you tell you her straight the reality of needing the money for the baby. I would not mention seeing her selling app, that looks like you are checking up on her.

Original poster
Mirana · 25/08/2019 00:34

I'm 99% sure it's not for me, she's thrown all the stuff on there really cheaply (£5-£10) and said it all needs to be gone by a certain date - 2 days before her holiday with her boyfriend.

I haven't told my Mum, I am really crap with confrontation and wanted to sound things out before I said anything (I have aspergers and can be a bit reactive).

OP posts:
Original poster
Mirana · 25/08/2019 00:48

I did ask her if there was anything left, she said no and she'd shared it with my other sisters so not sure I could ask that again in a nice way?

I also really wasn't checking up, the app is like instagram and shows people you follow in your feed- I only follow her and 2 of my best friends on there. I went on this evie to hunt down a baby shower dress and my whole feed was just her selling my stuff :/ It just took me by surprise and I was a bit upset.

OP posts:
theunrivalledjoysofparenting · 25/08/2019 01:00

My god, why give her your stuff then? Get her to take it all off sale. You can sell if you want to.

Drum2018 · 25/08/2019 01:03

Call her and thank her for selling your clothes for you, saves you the hassle, and that you you assume the money she makes will be transferred to your account asap to help buy baby clothes. Be cheery as if you really believe she's doing you a big favour. See what her reaction is. If she does admit she's planning to keep the money, lose your shit with her. I'd be over to get the clothes back asap.

Yabbers · 25/08/2019 01:12

If you’re short of cash, why would you give away 500 quid worth of stuff?

CutsAndSnoozes · 25/08/2019 01:33

I'm with the PP who suggests saying to her "thanks for putting the items on Depop for me, it's such a relief to have someone helping" etc.

I don't want to seem patronising but I think you misunderstood why the PP wrote that, and you mentioned your Aspergers, so what she meant is that although you know she's being underhand here, you say this to your sister so she knows you know what she's doing, but you've been nice about it and it puts the ball back in her court to explain that she is either being rude and disrespectful, or that "of course I'm doing it to help you..." if you get me.

It should prevent any big blowups

LovePoppy · 25/08/2019 01:43

She gets nothing ever again

PinkP65 · 25/08/2019 02:02

Hey there Mirana,

The ultimate way to teach her a lesson is to give her wiggle room to get out of a dicey mistake. This will play pretty well on her conscience, and is a sure-fire way to play on her mind plenty.

Tell your mother and her boyfriend, her friends and your two other sisters that you are expecting them to support you, and why. Their new addition to the family is being brought to join the family circle among loving, caring, honest family members, and for that, you also need to trust them that they will be there in every way for the new baby's arrival.

Do this:
Write a thank you letter to her, in name, in a card for offering to take care of the details in selling the clothes, as you know she is in your corner supporting you, especially after being abandoned by the baby's natural father. Explain your fears, your financial woes, and how fortunate you are to have the best sisters and mother a daughter in need could ask for!

Tell her that you are desperate for every penny, and that you know she was going to tell you eventually about the selling effort online, albeit on your behalf.

Thank her truckloads, and this will be the one chance she'll get to wiggle out of this one.

If she is smart, (not the same as conniving, mind you...) and respectful, looking only for what is best for baby and mommy, she will face up to it, shell out the money back to you, and offer to help even more.

Getting your mother and her boyfriend are the key here, as well as your other sisters.

If she does not, she'll have to hide, for the family wrath against those weighing in against the welfare of newborns and needy parents is quite harsh, in..... the ..... long..... run.

I hope, for your sake, she figures this out.

Greed never got anyone anywhere.

All the best,

PinkP65

ymf117 · 25/08/2019 02:08

You're not being a megabitch, you've done something nice and she has taken advantage massively. Double cheek that it's all up cheap and in time for her holiday. She clearly thought she'd get away with it and is putting her own selfish wants over your needs. Not only that, what did the other sisters get? Probably sod all. I'd go round and get it all back tbh and I'd tell your mum too, shouldn't do it if she doesn't want to get caught.

Pollywollydolly · 25/08/2019 02:47

18 year olds are very selfish and she is clearly doing this to get spending money together for her holiday, so I doubt very much that appealing to her better nature will do anything at all.

Tell your Mum what she's doing and go over there and take back all the stuff she is selling. Let her know you're angry with her so she knows never to treat you like this again.

You sound lovely so it's a shame she has taken advantage of you like this.