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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset w 18yo sister?

78 replies

Mirana · 25/08/2019 00:08

Hiya,

Up late fuming so thought I'd get some opinions 😂

I'm currently 18weeks pregnant. I cleared out my wardrobe a couple of weeks ago, and there were lots of party dresses and outfits I couldn't see myself wearing again. All the items were in the £40-£100 range. I have three younger sisters, 18, 16 and 14. They beg me for clothes, so when I clear out they have always had "first dibs" before I sell/charity shop clothing.

Anyway, as this stuff was all a bit more expensive, I took a black bag over to my parents house for said 18yo. I said she could pick what she wanted, but if there's anything she didn't want to please return it, as they have a reasonable value and I could sell on to buy some baby bits! My partner left me when I was 6 weeks so money is tight, and I explained it would help so to let me know. She agreed and was very excited at a big bag of new stuff!

I followed up a week later, and asked if there were any bits left over. She said no, because all the bits she didn't want she had passed to other sisters, which was great.

Anyway, I see on her Depop profile (selling app, bit like eBay) tonight that she is selling some of the clothes! One of the tops she wore once to dinner, and then put it up for sale the same evening, the rest is all unworn.

I'm really hormonal, so I feel awful, but I do feel quite used? And I'm disappointed as I feel like she's used the opportunity for personal gain instead of doing as I asked. The resale value of the stuff I gave her was probably £500-£600 which would have really helped in my situation. I really thought she would return the bits she didn't want instead of hiding it so she could sell them herself.

What would you do? Should I just avoid giving her anything in future? Am I being a megabitch? I really don't want a confrontation but I do feel sad about it :(

OP posts:
ReTooth · 25/08/2019 08:55

I'd pop round as soon as possible and ask for the stuff back. I wouldn't pretend you thought she was selling them for you. No need for a row. Keep repeating that you were very clear you wanted to sell items she didn't want to wear. No need to make this a drama.

Never give her anything again.

CupoTeap · 25/08/2019 08:59

You have to talk to her it's totally out of order!

WelcomeToShootingStars · 25/08/2019 08:59

Just go and take the clothes back. Don't give her notice to be able to hide it or anything like that. Don't spin a waterworks story either as she's already fully aware of your situation.

EvaHarknessRose · 25/08/2019 10:02

This is a learning opportunity for her about not being a user. Message her to take them down now and return everyhting.

WhatIsThis1 · 25/08/2019 10:13

"Hey I noticed you are selling the clothes I let you have first dibs on before I sold the rest for money for baby. What's going on?"

Original poster
Mirana · 25/08/2019 10:30

Thank you all for your input, I'm going to text my Mum today and just ask her opinion! She is the golden child and my Mum is quite defensive of her so I'm worried, hopefully it goes well!

Just to be clear, money isn't so tight that the resale was necessary, baby will have more than it needs. It would have been nice, and I'm not "flush", so I gave the backstory to explain she knows my situation. She isn't stopping me from providing, but it would have been helpful you know? That's why I was happy she liked them all, I would have been happy either way!

I'm erring on the side of "she must have forgotten" rather than thinking she's done it to be horrible. Dreading bringing it up though!

OP posts:
Smelborp · 25/08/2019 10:30

She’s selling them for less than their worth, so I would contact her and tell her to take them off NOW.

She is trying to raise money for her holiday by the sounds of it, but she’s knows very well that you wanted them if they weren’t going to be used by the family.

You would not be stingy or unreasonable in the slightest to get them back. She’s stealing from you. Don’t put up with it.

Smelborp · 25/08/2019 10:32

Cross post. Don’t dread bringing it up and contact your sister rather than your mum.

Say something like “there must have been a misunderstanding. I wanted to sell these for things for the baby, but I wanted you to have first dibs on things you might like to wear. I didn’t pass them on for you to sell. Please take them off the site and I’ll collect them later. Thanks.’

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 25/08/2019 10:34

You need to a t now Confused the clothes might be gone today if being picked up in person. Ideally I’d just go there amd take them back.

Aprillygirl · 25/08/2019 10:36

Aww OP you sound like a wonderful sister, and I'm so sad for you that your kindness and generosity has been abused like this. I would let her know how upset you are and at least give her the chance to repent and offer you the money she made from the clothes. If she doesn't offer then she deserves no more of your time and definitely no more of your clothes!

PinkiOcelot · 25/08/2019 10:36

That’s awful that!!
Or you could say, ahh I see you’re sell the stuff you didn’t want for me. That’s great thanks. I hope I make a lot of money. Ideal for baby bits!!

PhilCornwall1 · 25/08/2019 10:49

@Mirana don't dread bringing it up, she's severely taken the piss doing this. Say it how it is and I'd also be saying that it's the last time she gets anything like that from you.

LovePoppy · 25/08/2019 11:09

If your sister is the golden child, going through your mum will do nothing except make you the bad guy.

Which you will be anyway.

Act like the adult you are. Tell her you want the stuff back.

When she lies to you again, and manipulates the situation, just tell her you are very sorry she’s acting this way, and that your closet is now closed.

Good Luck OP.

NoIsACompleteAnswerSometimes · 25/08/2019 11:10

Reminds me of something similar that happened to me. A relative asked to borrow something they needed for work, just til payday when they'd buy their own.
4 months later, after I'd reminded them I wanted it back for the summer, sending them examples of the same thing for sale on marketplace, sending adverts for the thing FREE on Facebook and Freecycle etc and having every excuse going, no money, not quite right etc, I discovered they'd gone to a very expensive event!
I went round that day and took it back but I was the unreasonable one!

Drum2018 · 25/08/2019 11:17

Why are you asking your mothers opinion, especially if she's likely to defend her? You are a capable adult and can sort this with your sister. By all means tell your mother what she has done but not in a meek way asking your mother what you should do? Get over there and get your clothes back and stop letting your brat of a sister walk all over you. There's not a chance 'she must have forgotten' - she saw your generosity as a means of cashing in and getting money for her holiday. Do not take any pathetic excuses, just take your clothes or the money she has made by selling them.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 25/08/2019 12:21

Your clothes are probably a lot nicer than mine, but the second hand clothes market round here is dire, so most people I know end up quite disappointed with what they get. So we might not be talking about a huge amount of money.

The principle though is the same. Your sister has totally disregarded what you said. CF

EllenAshSky1 · 25/08/2019 12:35

My sister would have had a call or a visit as soon as I had seen she was selling MY CLOTHES.

You told her to go through your bag of clothes and take out what she wanted before you could sell the rest or do what YOU please with.... you didn't even need to do this so was being very nice.

She's being unappreciative, selfish and taking the piss IMO

MsHopey · 25/08/2019 12:41

Wow.
It's not the hormones. It's a really shitty thing to do.
Its money for your baby, or money for your sister and her boyfriend to piss away on holiday. Its actually pretty disgusting tbh.
I'm the least confrontational person I know, but I'd say something over this and it it resulted in a fall out, so be it, shes in the wrong.

PinkP65 · 25/08/2019 18:53

Hey Girl,
Exactly! Taking the high road, expecting the best automatically from family is the best attitude and stance. Being a parent is behaving as an adult should; with character, integrity and understanding.

From what you've written it seems you'd have had cause in the past to not expect such underhanded antics from this sister, and on that note showing her you give her the benefit of the doubt sets the parental bar high.

It's not about getting caught. It's about admitting she made a mistake, a childish one, and your giving her wiggle room to correct her missteps will not only make you an even greater mother (you'll sometimes need patience in spades in the future), but leading this situation's path by example will show her how you can't be goaded by trifling antics, the friend she has in her oldest sister, and it may not appear so today, but she will remember your compassion and poise you demonstrated while she was behaving in such an immature manner.

Anyone can just stomp over there, bang on her door, show her screenshots of her underhandedness, demand your things back, ...
But who do you want to be remembered as? The badass, feared older sister or the sister who demonstrated class, understanding knowing the truth all the while she was behaving in such an embarrassingly immature manner?

She'll learn and put it together in a year or two, but the lesson in her memory will be that her older sister saw right through her deceit but allowed her to correct the mistake on her own.

How many ppl are going to do that for any of us? ?

Not enough, sadly, and there are steps we are proud to have taken in the past that demonstrated our inner mettle, and those we wish could take back, change (if I had only known ....) if we could, but life can't give us those second chances in the past.
It only gives us chance number#2, today, with all we've learned.

Likethebattle · 25/08/2019 19:30

I’d screenshot and ask her to explain.

cookiechomper · 25/08/2019 20:48

You should have sold them in the first place if you're short of money.

HeffaLump1 · 26/08/2019 09:39

She hasnt said she is short of money cookiechomper, that isnt her point at all. She has said she could do with it/would make things easier yes. But she thought her sisters would make use of the clothes themselves, not sell them on

NoFucksImAQueen · 26/08/2019 10:03

did your mum reply @Mirana?

RuggerHug · 26/08/2019 10:17

You know when you report item on depop it can't be sold? Report every single one until this is sorted.

katewhinesalot · 26/08/2019 10:24

You have to be honest with them about your feelings. I'd go with being hurt about it, rather than angry. You made the situation clear and your dsis has abused your generosity.

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