To be fed up of dh favouritism of his son

[Fedup8999]

I will probably get flamed for this but I don’t care. I need some constructive advice - harsh or not.

My partner treats his son differently to the rest of our children and it’s really starting to piss me off now. Examples include son not eating his tea and I mean eating the bare minimum one mouthful then saying he doesn’t want it so son will then go scrape the tea I’ve flaming prepared, separately to the rest of the family as he is fussy, in the bin and then son will ask for sweets to which dh says yes of course! But next time you eat your tea.

God forbid if one of the other kids don’t eat their tea/meal or kicks off about it. He firmly puts his foot down and they will eat their tea with minimal fuss. I don’t see why he cant do this with his son. I have stepped in before and said ok well you need to eat this much and separate his plate but dh will tell me that we can’t force him to eat. He isn’t fussy at his mums or at parties, I once saw him eating food he claimed not to like - so maybe it’s my cooking!?

Another example: no routine at bedtime. His son is 8. Cries when dh says bedtime which sometimes is going on 11pm!! So dh will sit up with him watching films until he falls asleep downstairs and when it does come to getting to bed he will cry again and dh is getting in bed upset himself because he doesn’t like his son being upset. The other kids have a bedtime routine and it gets stuck to and it works for us all.
Sometimes his son won’t sleep in his bed all night and will come into our room complaining of nightmare/illness/missing his pet, dh will go sleep in his room or invite him in bed with us. Grinds my gears. I know it isn’t his sons doing but I do think he knows how to play his dad so he gets what he wants.

Final example: not showering. Dh lets him off not showering/brushing his teeth/ sleeping in his clothes and it drives me up the wall. Son will cry if asked or throw a wobbler so dh will say well make sure you get one when you go home/use mouthwash.

Just feel like his child rules the roost here at times and I hope I’m not coming across as an awful step parent because these grievances are aimed at my dhs parenting skills.

What do I do? What do I say? His son isn’t mine, I haven’t called him ‘his son’ because I’m detached from him, just wanted to make it clear on the post that he is not my son but we have 2 other dc together.
He is currently downstairs with his son now watching films. He should be in bed at this time and none of the other kids get special treatment of this kind? Feel like saying if this is how it’s going to be then make sure the others are included because it won’t be long before they start picking up on it - if they haven’t already! It’s not a good example. And to be honest I wouldn’t want our other kids routines being messed up.

I have tried talking to dh about this and being so soft on him but it doesn’t go in because by morning he’s no different. And I think it’s clear from how I’ve written this post I’m at the end of my tether now.

Your DP really isn’t helping his DS’s mum at all either - he’s being Disney dad and letting his DS get out of synch with his routine etc. that the mum will then have to battle to get him back in to. Every. Single. Time.

And he really son’t be helping his DS with school - a tired 8 year old who can’t function for a couple of days every fortnight is detrimental to his learning (and yes, messing with routine like that can have impact on alertness in school for a few days, having seen it first hand). Is there anything on school reports that would suggest DSS’s productivity is being impacted like this?

Of course he’s feeling dad guilt, but he needs productive ways to make up for it, such as see more of his DS if that’s possible?

Or is there a way to encourage DSS to not play up, such as letting him choose a family trip out for the next day and getting him involved in planning it, but to also set out ground rules to go with it “we need to get up at X time, leave the house at Y time otherwise we son’t be able to go” - incentivise him to get to bed on time

My current (failing) strategy is to find what he will eat and feed him that.

I think this is what you should be focusing on doing. Find meals he likes, find out how he likes them cooked (this is much more important for a fussy eater than you might think) and replicate that. Once you can get him eating and enjoying meals, I suspect you feel far less stressed and then you look at deal with the other issues.

The root of this is the guilt. I would approach your conversation from that perspective. Be curious about how he feels about the limited contact, how does he feel the divorce has effected his son. Why does he feel so guilty? Ask him if he thinks it effects their relationship. If you can understand this and be empathetic maybe then you can talk about the behaviour it results in and whether it really is the best thing for all

Ime some parents want the easy route. Threaten but never carry out the threat. Let them sit on Xbox as it's easier than getting off their backsides and going up to take it away. Laziness disguised as caring.
He is leaving bringing up his DCs to the women in his life who put their DCs well-being first.