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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be fed up of dh favouritism of his son

79 replies

Fedup8999 · 24/08/2019 22:57

I will probably get flamed for this but I don’t care. I need some constructive advice - harsh or not.

My partner treats his son differently to the rest of our children and it’s really starting to piss me off now. Examples include son not eating his tea and I mean eating the bare minimum one mouthful then saying he doesn’t want it so son will then go scrape the tea I’ve flaming prepared, separately to the rest of the family as he is fussy, in the bin and then son will ask for sweets to which dh says yes of course! But next time you eat your tea.

God forbid if one of the other kids don’t eat their tea/meal or kicks off about it. He firmly puts his foot down and they will eat their tea with minimal fuss. I don’t see why he cant do this with his son. I have stepped in before and said ok well you need to eat this much and separate his plate but dh will tell me that we can’t force him to eat. He isn’t fussy at his mums or at parties, I once saw him eating food he claimed not to like - so maybe it’s my cooking!?

Another example: no routine at bedtime. His son is 8. Cries when dh says bedtime which sometimes is going on 11pm!! So dh will sit up with him watching films until he falls asleep downstairs and when it does come to getting to bed he will cry again and dh is getting in bed upset himself because he doesn’t like his son being upset. The other kids have a bedtime routine and it gets stuck to and it works for us all.
Sometimes his son won’t sleep in his bed all night and will come into our room complaining of nightmare/illness/missing his pet, dh will go sleep in his room or invite him in bed with us. Grinds my gears. I know it isn’t his sons doing but I do think he knows how to play his dad so he gets what he wants.

Final example: not showering. Dh lets him off not showering/brushing his teeth/ sleeping in his clothes and it drives me up the wall. Son will cry if asked or throw a wobbler so dh will say well make sure you get one when you go home/use mouthwash.

Just feel like his child rules the roost here at times and I hope I’m not coming across as an awful step parent because these grievances are aimed at my dhs parenting skills.

What do I do? What do I say? His son isn’t mine, I haven’t called him ‘his son’ because I’m detached from him, just wanted to make it clear on the post that he is not my son but we have 2 other dc together.
He is currently downstairs with his son now watching films. He should be in bed at this time and none of the other kids get special treatment of this kind? Feel like saying if this is how it’s going to be then make sure the others are included because it won’t be long before they start picking up on it - if they haven’t already! It’s not a good example. And to be honest I wouldn’t want our other kids routines being messed up.

I have tried talking to dh about this and being so soft on him but it doesn’t go in because by morning he’s no different. And I think it’s clear from how I’ve written this post I’m at the end of my tether now.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 24/08/2019 23:02

Does he live with you full time? If not, I think your husband is trying to overcompensate for no longer being with the boy's mum. Your husband might be worried that your stepson feels like the odd man out. The same might apply even if he does live with you fulltime.

Original poster

Fedup8999 · 24/08/2019 23:04

No he comes over every other weekend.

I have just nipped downstairs for something and dh has asked me what the matter is, I have said nothing because it will turn into a stinker of an argument because let’s face it who wants to be critiqued on their parenting. I don’t like saying things but I know it needs to be tackled because it’s starting to get to me now

OP posts:

LazyLizzy · 24/08/2019 23:07

I'd be grateful that your own DC have boundaries.

This 'favouritism' will be doing more harm than good.

Don't be jealous about DSS being brought up badly.

Aquamarine1029 · 24/08/2019 23:07

You need to talk to him about this. Your husband isn't a mind reader and he's probably not even aware of what he's doing. Like I said, he is overcompensating and parenting his son from a place of guilt and insecurity.

Brefugee · 24/08/2019 23:09

I think you're going to need to talk to your dh about it when his son isn't there

Namelessinseattle · 24/08/2019 23:11

I think you need to bring it up but maybe in a round about way. Like a discussion on boundaries and routine in the context of your owns kids, and somehow very skillful work in is it fair on Jimmy that he doesn’t have the same? Will he ever settle without it? Etc.

I think it’s important to remember at the end of the day he is a confident parent with your kids but he’s parenting his son from a place of fear and have compassion for him. Then the conversation will go easier.

Original poster

Fedup8999 · 24/08/2019 23:15

He knows full well as it has been mentioned before. We only ever talk about it when there are no kids in ear shot as it’s not fair to have them audience to this type of topic.

It’s always promises of routines, sanctions on Xbox for poor attitude/hitting but they are never enforced. I get shut down by my dh when I try and enforce something (I never shout at his son and wouldn’t) but son will always go to his dad and dad will cave and play down the fact that his sons just booted him ‘because he’s over tired’.

Dh spends a good amount of time on his own with his son as I do agree it is fair to spend time with the kids as individuals so I don’t think he feels left out.

Gosh, really ranted on here - probably because I can’t do it in RL at the minute!

OP posts:

Original poster

Fedup8999 · 24/08/2019 23:17

How do I encourage him to become more confident with his eldest?

OP posts:

S1naidSucks · 24/08/2019 23:20

Your other children are really going to resent their step brother when they become old enough to recognise the disparity of treatment. Maybe you should speak to him about being concerned with the difference of treatment causing conflict as the children get older. Explain that you want what is best for all the children and their relationship.

Ps your husband is a lazy Disney parent and I’d be tempted to make him cook his child’s meals from now on, but it probably wouldn’t help.

Evilspiritgin · 24/08/2019 23:22

How old are the other kids? Are they your husbands? If not for a night you could do what’s good for the goose is good for the gander

Yodude · 24/08/2019 23:22

If he is only there every other weekend he hardly gets special treatment. His father lives with his new children and he gets to come over 2 days a fortnight. He is not being treated like a golden child. He has drawn the short straw. In think your DH realises this and is trying to make up for it. It won't make up for it but I think it is nice that he sits up watching films with him and letting him feel a bit special for once. I would have been miserable if my dad had left me when I was a child, got himself a new family and only saw me 2 days in every 2 weeks.
Your DH shouldn't just give him sweets and rubbish to eat and you should remember that it is your children who are getting the better treatment. Your DH was your stepson's dad and now he is theirs. Let them watch films on their own. Let them have that.

LittleFairywren · 24/08/2019 23:26

How does your dh think it's in his best interest for an 8yo to still be up at 11? He's creating a monster here. He'll need to mind out when his sweet little boy becomes a teen!

Original poster

Fedup8999 · 24/08/2019 23:31

Yes the other kids are mine and dh. So stepson is their brother and they really do love him to bits and love playing with him and I’d hate for that to ever change.

Dh has cooked the meals before but it’s been spaghetti carbonara frozen meals and as I’m in the kitchen cooking I may as well make the other meal and I’d prefer to make it myself as I know what goes into it and can tailor it to not include mushrooms/onions whatever else he doesn’t like.

His mum has previously made comments about him coming back pale and tired and this is probably from not eating enough. And it bugs me that she probably thinks all my kids are like this and I’m not being a good mum to them.

Hoping they both sleep on the sofa tonight so I can get some things together in my head of how I’m going to approach this

OP posts:

Original poster

Fedup8999 · 24/08/2019 23:35

But it’s not special treatment ‘for once’ it’s every time he is over and it’s not just about watching films, there’s other aspects so maybe we should just carry on letting him sleep in his clothes all weekend staying up till 2am and send him home not showered or with clean teeth with dark circles round his eyes to make him feel special.

Pretty sure his mother will have something to say, as would I!

OP posts:

S1naidSucks · 24/08/2019 23:36

Put him out a small portion each time. There’s more chance of him complaining about not getting enough, rather than throwing it out, as you will be spoiling his ‘game’. Just give him a small portion each time he finishes what’s on his plate.

Can you speak to his mother and ask if she has any advice? Make sure she is aware that you’re looking for her advice rather than criticising her son or your dickhead husband.

NeelixFelicis · 24/08/2019 23:39

I think it is nice that he sits up watching films with him and letting him feel a bit special for once.

And the other children, who live with rules, order, set meal times & order with their DPs every day, when is it their time to feel special? Because eating all their meals and then going to bed while their brother is wailing he doesn't want his food, then staying up to watch films with Dad while they're put to bed, certainly isn't it.

Your other children are really going to resent their step brother when they become old enough to recognise the disparity of treatment

^this, in spades.

Original poster

Fedup8999 · 24/08/2019 23:42

His mum has no issues which she discloses. We have asked about sleeping arrangements before and she also let him sleep in bed with her or she got in his bed.
For food, as far as I’m aware he eats what he is given. Dh once said ‘son is eating sausages mash and onion gravy! He never eats that here!’ But smaller portions could be an idea. My current (failing) strategy is to find what he will eat and feed him that.

OP posts:

LisaMontgomery · 24/08/2019 23:45

There's so much your DH is getting wrong here it is unbelievable. If he says he will change everything at once it just won't happen. Can you separate out the really vital stuff (eg cleaning teeth and sufficient sleep) and help DH understand how much he is letting his son down by not insisting on this? And compromise a bit. If he's there for two nights he could have a proper sleep the first night and then a "film night" ending at 10pm on the second one.

I'd let the food stuff go for now tbh - it's annoying but if he eats properly at his mums and isn't overweight it isn't the end of the world. Or just don't have excess sweets in the house those weekends.

SirJamesTalbotAndHisSpeculum · 24/08/2019 23:45

Well, OP this would also drive me mad.

I have no advice but just wanted to tell you I'm very angry on your behalf.

It does sound like your DH is feeling guilty about not being with his son's mother any longer.

Sooner or later something will give.

Do you get on with the Ex? Could you discuss this with her?

LisaMontgomery · 24/08/2019 23:46

For clarity, I didn't mean ignoring all the other things forever. Once DH gets used to enforcing some rules it will be easier for him to start enforcing the others.

Original poster

Fedup8999 · 24/08/2019 23:54

That’s a good suggestion Lisa. We have spoke about limiting use of the Xbox until 7pm which is when our two go to bed and then having the 3 of us family time. It has worked in the past, but it turned into been a kick off over board games/film choices and slowly crept back to square 1 but I feel like it’s only been a kick off so he can stomp off upstairs and get back on the Xbox as dh won’t follow him to ask him to come down and pick up the game cards he’s thrown around the lounge in a strop.

I bet I sound like a right cow but I do honestly want the best for this little lad as I know it won’t be helping him. My dad was a similar parent to my brothers as they were unruly, disrespectful little twats growing up because no routine or boundaries were set as my dad had a ‘it’ll be okay’ attitude. Can see history repeating itself and I don’t want my kids to be bearing the brunt of their brothers bad attitude that his dad can and currently has an opportunity to nip it in the bud

OP posts:

SirJamesTalbotAndHisSpeculum · 24/08/2019 23:55

My current (failing) strategy is to find what he will eat and feed him that

Normally I would suggest that a child eats what he or she is given or the meal is removed and no alternative offered.

But here you have your DH telling his son that he doesn't have to eat, and even worse, letting him have sweets instead.

Nightmare.

SirJamesTalbotAndHisSpeculum · 24/08/2019 23:57

I bet I sound like a right cow

Not in the least. You sound like a woman who has reached the end of her tether and I don't blame you at all.

You sound reasonable to me. Just mightily pissed off with your DH.

Original poster

Fedup8999 · 24/08/2019 23:57

I know. Fighting a losing battle.

OP posts:

whattodowith · 24/08/2019 23:58

I’m imagining your DH feels guilty for not seeing his DS as much as he sees your DC. Imagine if you saw one of your DC every single day but only saw the other one four days a month- I’m sure you’d feel pretty wank about it too.

Blended families are tough. I understand your frustrations but I think you may need to let it slide, your DH clearly feels a sense of guilt and that’s completely understandable.

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