To be fed up of dh favouritism of his son

[Fedup8999]

I will probably get flamed for this but I don’t care. I need some constructive advice - harsh or not.

My partner treats his son differently to the rest of our children and it’s really starting to piss me off now. Examples include son not eating his tea and I mean eating the bare minimum one mouthful then saying he doesn’t want it so son will then go scrape the tea I’ve flaming prepared, separately to the rest of the family as he is fussy, in the bin and then son will ask for sweets to which dh says yes of course! But next time you eat your tea.

God forbid if one of the other kids don’t eat their tea/meal or kicks off about it. He firmly puts his foot down and they will eat their tea with minimal fuss. I don’t see why he cant do this with his son. I have stepped in before and said ok well you need to eat this much and separate his plate but dh will tell me that we can’t force him to eat. He isn’t fussy at his mums or at parties, I once saw him eating food he claimed not to like - so maybe it’s my cooking!?

Another example: no routine at bedtime. His son is 8. Cries when dh says bedtime which sometimes is going on 11pm!! So dh will sit up with him watching films until he falls asleep downstairs and when it does come to getting to bed he will cry again and dh is getting in bed upset himself because he doesn’t like his son being upset. The other kids have a bedtime routine and it gets stuck to and it works for us all.
Sometimes his son won’t sleep in his bed all night and will come into our room complaining of nightmare/illness/missing his pet, dh will go sleep in his room or invite him in bed with us. Grinds my gears. I know it isn’t his sons doing but I do think he knows how to play his dad so he gets what he wants.

Final example: not showering. Dh lets him off not showering/brushing his teeth/ sleeping in his clothes and it drives me up the wall. Son will cry if asked or throw a wobbler so dh will say well make sure you get one when you go home/use mouthwash.

Just feel like his child rules the roost here at times and I hope I’m not coming across as an awful step parent because these grievances are aimed at my dhs parenting skills.

What do I do? What do I say? His son isn’t mine, I haven’t called him ‘his son’ because I’m detached from him, just wanted to make it clear on the post that he is not my son but we have 2 other dc together.
He is currently downstairs with his son now watching films. He should be in bed at this time and none of the other kids get special treatment of this kind? Feel like saying if this is how it’s going to be then make sure the others are included because it won’t be long before they start picking up on it - if they haven’t already! It’s not a good example. And to be honest I wouldn’t want our other kids routines being messed up.

I have tried talking to dh about this and being so soft on him but it doesn’t go in because by morning he’s no different. And I think it’s clear from how I’ve written this post I’m at the end of my tether now.

could you go to him and say this isnt critising him an his want to give his son a good time and loved time when hes here but...what if you as the other two's mum did that with the other two (or one of them) so late nights.no dressed.no teeth.bo rules.sweets.and special treatment 24/7 and pandering.then what would he think?how would he think the other child would feel.
because whilst your all for amking the kids feel special,there are 2 others and all they see is how differently they are treated.and it will build.and they will resent the son.and it will build to other things like comepting for dads attention and that can come in many way(most very damaging.)
and the boy needs some rules.we should always make them feel special.but in the future the no rules and no walls to fall on will only cause trouble.a kid need to feel safe.with rules and ways to live by.otherwise in moment of vulnerability they just get out of control.

I don't think you sound like a cow. You sound like a caring and responsible step parent.
I think you need to tackle food and sleep first. I agree he could stay up later but 11 is way too late. And could he choose a healthyish meal on one of the two nights? And then if he doesn't eat it j7st don't have any treats in the house so that's not even an option?
But I think your husband needs telling because this treatment of his son is going to be very detrimental in the long run, for everyone.
He needs telling, don't pussyfoot around! But yes, it's likely he feels guilty and is over compensating, but not in a good way.
Good luck.

He won’t pick anything healthy by choice. The meals I make the will find a way of eating as little as possible I.e cottage pie, he ate the mince and left the mash potato. I feel like hanging up my apron and saying dh can sort the lot from now on , food,homework,washing,bedtimes etc maybe he will realise how important it is to have a routine and keep things ticking over in that respect.

He is doing his son no favours by trying to be Disney Dad at home when he has him. Not having him do anything he doesn't want to do/eat/adhere to isn't fair to him! Or any of the other children. He will become an entitled, manipulative brat ... and a tired, unhealthy one ... if this continues.

You need to put your foot down. He's honestly doing his own child no favours here, it's shitty parenting 101, and it's completely unfair to you and your children.

I don't think you should stay with him if he doesn't start parenting properly, like he does with yours.

why dont you leave him to it op.sriously.let him see how hard it is.then how hard it is to see what hes doing to the other to when he has to treat them so differently.if he is doing it all that means he will hav to make his son one thing and the other two diferent right.maybe putting all the differences right in front of him will help him see?

I don't know the whole story you might be a nice stepmum, but he is only 8 so he is still young. I was like him. My dad left my mum for another woman, she had a child with him plus she already had one before they got together. I had to stay over and I hated it, his wife was really cold towards me. She was so much more for her kids so she made me feel uncomfortable and I just wanted to go home. I didn't really like eating at their house either. Has his dad asked him if he actually wants to stay over maybe he is happier just visiting. You have to remember when families split kids who are in the middle of it have different issues than kids that have mum and dad together. His home is his mums house so maybe hes not comfortable at yours. I think his dad just needs to have a chat with him see how he is feeling.

Hi
Ive skipped through a few of the posts so i might be saying something already said..
I would go to the boys mum direct if you think you can, and ask for her help.. if i was the mum i would want my child to continue along the same lines of parenting as at home where possible, you would be approaching her with good intentions, you are not criticising. Her parenting are you, but enlisting her help for the good of her boy,, your husband needs to wise up sharpish or all three kids will suffer long term

No sweets and sweet treats in the home at weekends, so there's none to be given to him.

He gets given small portions of what everyone else has, and that's it.

When it's 7pm, the Xbox controllers are removed and put somewhere a kid can't get them. So even if he strops off, that's that.

Your husband is making a huge rod for his back and in turn, one for you. And you'll both suffer when your other two children realise all they have to do to get sweets and late nights etc is kick off like your stepson.

I used to have stepkids. My child's older half sibling was the golden child and was spoilt, so so spoilt. But I don't want to go into that

God knows what time they went to sleep but I came down stairs about 7ish and son went upstairs to get in bed. Dh said he woke up at 12 and son was still awake and wondered why he won’t go to sleep on a night - no routine maybe??

I said there needs to be a routine set as all the kids need to be treated fairly, dh said well it’s the holidays and he can’t treat an 8 year old the same as a 2 and an under 2 year old. Said it was nice to have a sleep over on the sofa but did get shitty with me when I said that all the kids need to have a routine and be treated the same.

He’s now looking for things to do with his son today so hoping he finds something quick and buggers off. Not even going to bother pressing the issue if this is how he wants to be then fine. Clearly has no intention of setting rules and boundaries so bollocks to him he can deal with it from now on. Sick of trying to help

How old are the other DC?

I couldn’t stay with him OP. I’m a SM and while DH and I have occasional differences of opinion on parenting I couldn’t respect him if he didn’t prioritise their well-being by making sure they get enough sleep, eat well and have a routine. It’s not fair on anyone. It’s lazy and irresponsible and deeply unattractive. I wonder if you split up and he was the non resident parent to all of the DC if his rules and discipline would fly out he window for all of them?

You’ve tried to talk to him, plenty by the sounds of things, so I don’t know what else you can do but you’ve clearly got your head screwed on and this is going to drive you insane in not much more time and ruin your relationship.

What @S1naidSucks said!

To be honest Anne I’m thinking about packing his stuff and telling him to go his mothers for a few nights. I think it’s a bit drastic but I’m fed up I don’t even want to talk to him this morning but I don’t want to kids to feel an atmosphere so I’m just getting on with it. We have an under 1 and a nearly 2 year old.

Maybe I should bugger off for the day and leave him with all the kids see how he likes them apples

Is his ds his only son? If so it's probably a combination of part time dad guilt and wanting "lad bonding"time with him.Neither is fair on your joint DC though.

The disparity between what his DS sees of him and what your other children see of their dad is huge. Is there scope for a week DS to spend more nights with his dad? On the condition some basic rules are enforced of course

No we have all boys. I’m just leaving him to it now.

He knows I’m not happy as he’s just come down from waking his son up to say that his son has asked to go on the Xbox and he’s said no. I’ll go up in 10 mins and he will be on it and I know this because otherwise he would be down here waiting on his breakfast being made.

If he is being a Disney dad because he doesnt see his son much, is there any way he could see his son more eg one night in the week as well? He would have to implement a routine then, you can't really send a child to school on sweets and no sleep! Also it really wont be long before the 2 year old starts to copy him not eating and asking for sweets etc. I'd say within 6 months, small children seem to idolise bigger ones

I’d pack them off for a few days and give yourself time to think. Do you trust him to look after your younger ones properly if you went away instead of being too distracted disneying his son?

No real advice but I feel your frustration. My ex-P was like this. Nothing enforced, no rules. He even admitted he wanted to “let them do whatever they want”. It culminated in an almighty row when something of mine was stolen. Hence, now an ex!

I’d have serious discussion about it and show him this thread. Staying up a bit late I could probably let slide (but till 10, not 2!) but the no teeth brushing/showering/eating sweets no chance.

He's under your roof too. So they're also your rules.
Dsd follows the same rules as our dd and my ds.
Eat what's given. Provided we know they will like it.. Don't eat. Go hungry till next meal.
To be honest she's good at following rules but had awful eating issues.. Mainly down the her dm efforts. But we made her a book when she was younger to take home to say she tried. X y z foods.. It helped and her mum started giving her foods. ( previous to that she only ate. Pizza pasta chips nuggets and fish fingers. Chocolate cereal or croissant.) literally. No fruit or veg. No color nothing.
It slipped back to norm at her dms but she doesn't get that choice here. I'm not a cafe. I cook 1 meal..

Tbh I wouldn't stay with him, this is a total relationship killer. But if you do stay with him, I would definitely stop contributing to any of it - let him sort it out himself. He doesn't have any respect for your (very obvious and conventional) opinions on what the kid needs so why should you put the effort in? Especially when it results in strops and aggro that you have to deal with the fallout of.

But while I say that, I would make it clear that you also live there and they can't demand full use of the living room every night, so if you have something you want to watch that night or something you want to do in there, then they'll need to move their movie nights upstairs some of the time, because anything else is just selfish.

Make enough food for SS to have what everybody else is but if he doesn't want it, his dad can decide whether to buy and cook him something else, and do it himself, because you don't approve of it happening and it isn't your job. I'd also stop buying sweets in - if your children are small they don't need them anyway so that's a positive change however you look at it, and having less sugary things in might help with the not sleeping issue and force him to eat something nutritious.

Unplug the Xbox and put it in the boot of your car along with all the sweeties on a Friday morning before he arrives.
I would go out by myself for the whole day and leave the 4 of them to it. See how he feels.
Although parenting an 8 year old with boundaries that are different to a baby and toddler is difficult, but as your children get older they’ll see the disparity between dad’s techniques.

I'm sure his mum will be delighted to be sent back an unshowered, tired kid who hasn't brushed their teeth. It's not favouritism, its neglect! I think that it's fair to mention your observations but ultimately don't get involved. He's not your child to worry about. However, when it impacts on the house then it's a good time to raise it. Surely it isn't doing much to foster sibling relationships?

Its understandable that he wants to make his ds time with him fun as he only sees him EOW but there's no need to spoil him. Yes, let him have his favourite dinner, but no he can't have sweets instead. Yes he can do nice activities and have some 1:1 time with dad and stay up a bit later in the holidays, no he can't stay up all night watching films and playing X box. Yes some extra understanding if he feels a bit anxious but no to pandering to his every crazy whim in case he gets upset. As a dad he needs to show his ds he is loved and make him feel very much wanted but he also has a responsibility to teach him some healthy boundaries and raise a healthy and polite son who respects others.

Despite all this you thought it was a good idea to have children with this guy. Why?

@Fedup really? I'm surprised by that,it must be just the guilt then! I feel really sorry for you when you're doing the right thing by your boys and hes undermining you with his other son.