To be fed up of dh favouritism of his son

[Fedup8999]

I will probably get flamed for this but I don’t care. I need some constructive advice - harsh or not.

My partner treats his son differently to the rest of our children and it’s really starting to piss me off now. Examples include son not eating his tea and I mean eating the bare minimum one mouthful then saying he doesn’t want it so son will then go scrape the tea I’ve flaming prepared, separately to the rest of the family as he is fussy, in the bin and then son will ask for sweets to which dh says yes of course! But next time you eat your tea.

God forbid if one of the other kids don’t eat their tea/meal or kicks off about it. He firmly puts his foot down and they will eat their tea with minimal fuss. I don’t see why he cant do this with his son. I have stepped in before and said ok well you need to eat this much and separate his plate but dh will tell me that we can’t force him to eat. He isn’t fussy at his mums or at parties, I once saw him eating food he claimed not to like - so maybe it’s my cooking!?

Another example: no routine at bedtime. His son is 8. Cries when dh says bedtime which sometimes is going on 11pm!! So dh will sit up with him watching films until he falls asleep downstairs and when it does come to getting to bed he will cry again and dh is getting in bed upset himself because he doesn’t like his son being upset. The other kids have a bedtime routine and it gets stuck to and it works for us all.
Sometimes his son won’t sleep in his bed all night and will come into our room complaining of nightmare/illness/missing his pet, dh will go sleep in his room or invite him in bed with us. Grinds my gears. I know it isn’t his sons doing but I do think he knows how to play his dad so he gets what he wants.

Final example: not showering. Dh lets him off not showering/brushing his teeth/ sleeping in his clothes and it drives me up the wall. Son will cry if asked or throw a wobbler so dh will say well make sure you get one when you go home/use mouthwash.

Just feel like his child rules the roost here at times and I hope I’m not coming across as an awful step parent because these grievances are aimed at my dhs parenting skills.

What do I do? What do I say? His son isn’t mine, I haven’t called him ‘his son’ because I’m detached from him, just wanted to make it clear on the post that he is not my son but we have 2 other dc together.
He is currently downstairs with his son now watching films. He should be in bed at this time and none of the other kids get special treatment of this kind? Feel like saying if this is how it’s going to be then make sure the others are included because it won’t be long before they start picking up on it - if they haven’t already! It’s not a good example. And to be honest I wouldn’t want our other kids routines being messed up.

I have tried talking to dh about this and being so soft on him but it doesn’t go in because by morning he’s no different. And I think it’s clear from how I’ve written this post I’m at the end of my tether now.

Your dh doesn’t seem to realise that being a ‘good’ parent means enforcing boundaries.
Of course it’s great that he loves spending time with his son. However, he is doing his son no favours by continually giving into his son’s every whim. As another poster pointed out, this could be a problem for you in the future as the two younger dcs will copy their older brother.
Is it possible for your dh to see his son a few more times over the fortnight?. Your dh may be less inclined to be Disney Dad if he saw his son ‘warts and all’
If your dh doesn’t enforce some boundaries now , he may find it difficult to handle his son as he gets older
Finally Op, I know that you are trying your utmost to be fair.However, remember that your two dc have their dad with them everyday and his son probably feels a bit jealous of this and craves his father’s attention.

I agree with a PP - giving the child sweets and then not making him clean his teeth is neglectful - the child's mother needs to know - she will probably be the one who has to sit at the dentists with a child crying because he ha to have fillings. Your DH is going for the easy option and being mean to your DSS in the process - he is showing him a lesser degree of care than histher children even though on the surface it looks as if he is showing more.

Giving his boy boundaries, helping him have a proper routine at bedtime, making sure his personal care is in order are ordinary deceng parenting - that's what he needs to be doing or he is letting his DS down.

You sound really lovely, we only gave your side for it but it sounds like he does let his eldest get away with bad behaviour. I would leave him with all 3 boys for the day and see how well he deals with through fussiness. I think the main problem is your not working as a team and until that changes you will continue having the same problems. Both parents need to be on board with how you parent.

It's obviously guilt on his part for only seeing his DS twice a week, but your DH is actually doing the kid no favours by indulging him as he does. I feel sorry too for your DSS's mother for having to undo all the damage that your DH does during his time with their son!

Get him out of your bed for a start, let dh go to his room.
Every time he starts playing up make a point of telling your kids how well behaved they are and how proud of them you are.
As soon as dh plays favourite pull him up on it, point out how well behaved your kids are as opposed to his.
Tell him to parent properly or take his kid somewhere else.
it isn't fair on your children they will pick up on this favouritism, hate their father for it and they will probably be mentally scarred as adults as I know someone close to me that this happened to.

Obvs he will have a later bedtime and different activities. Each child should have some 1-2-1 with each adult as well as family time. It's ok to treat him in age appropriate way, take him out separately on occasion, but not this complete abdication of responsibility

@Fedup8999 Why don’t you have him over more often OP?

The thing is that your dh seems too stupid to realise that he isn't doing his son any favours at all.

I could not respect someone who treated their child like that - it's just so ridiculous.

Please don't give up. When you have some time alone, have another really big chat about the situation. He seems to be up for your albeit young kids, having decent boundaries. How can be possibly advocate late nights and sweets not meals?

You have to try and get it through to him that treating his son like this will not make the child love him more. Firm boundaries still allow the boy to love his dad! I think this is what he doesn't understand.

If his son is only coming every other week (not a lot) he probably doesn't want the experience to be ruined by falling out. If it was 50/50 I would agree - but for the sake of 50 days a year I wouldn't.

Do you have contact yourself with his mum, might be worth finding out if he's having eating/sleeping/hygiene issues there too.

Your dh's treatment of his son is not indulgence, it's neglect. Sleeping in his clothes with unbrushed teeth really shocks me and ideally you need to find a way to get him to see it from the outside.
I can't imagine being the child's mum and having to send him for weekends to this treatment and I'm sure he's not easy when she gets him back if dad lets him do everything he wants and nothing he doesn't.
Stern words about what's actually best for the child not easiest for dad are in order but don't be complicit in a house that treats a child like that (ie leave if he won't sort his ideas out)

Your husband needs to grow some balls and teach his child the rules. He probably feels guilt for not always being there etc but it won't make his son a better adult, which is your DH job.

OP this would drive me nuts. I would be bloody horrible to DH until reasonable boundaries were put in place. Honestly, I would start to hate the guy if he carried on like this.

It's unfair on your dss for your dh not to impose house rules when he is in your family home. Dh is making the classic error of pandering to dss because he sees less of him than his other boys.

Is it possible for your dh to involve your dss more in your family life by skyping him two or three times a week to say goodnight, getting dss to say goodnight to his half brothers, telling his dad how school went etc? Do you think that might help? I don't envy you at all as I think it's a hard situation to resolve.

Agree with PP about speaking to DSS mum if possible.
If I was in her shoes and found out my son was going to his dad's, not showering, not brushing his teeth, sleeping in his clothes and having sweets for meals I'd seriously be considering if I wanted his dad having any contact at all. Other posters have said, and I feel like you already know this but it really is neglect, regardless of what his intentions are.

Yes, try to get the DM on board.
Personally I would be v angry and chuck the sweets so that wasn't an option and switch off wi fi say 7pm to 10 am.

I agree with others, he is neglecting his son. He needs to eat, follow basic rules of hygiene and get enough sleep. Children need boundaries as it makes them feel safe, but more than this, this special treatment sets him apart from the family unit and may end up making him feel more of an outsider in the end. What does he think will happen as the children get older and start demanding the same things as their brother?

If he is only there every other weekend he hardly gets special treatment. His father lives with his new children and he gets to come over 2 days a fortnight. He is not being treated like a golden child. He has drawn the short straw.

He’s either part of the family or he’s not.

That includes house rules I’m afraid. Just because he doesn’t live with his dad full time, doesn’t mean he’s got a free pass to not follow basic house rules like the other children.

I would hate to be you when he hits the teens op. He is going to be a nightmare. His df isnt doing him any favours. Your younger DC are going to start noticing this special treatment and it's going to cause major problems. All rules should be the same for all DC. Your dh is the problem here.

As it is only a short period of time spent in dad's care, and we have no reason to suppose that mom behaves the same way as dad, I would suggest being selective with your battles. For me, the one that stands out is brushing teeth. Blowing your diet twice a month, wearing/sleeping in the same clothes all weekend and being soap-adverse, etc, isn't going to cause lasting harm. Neglecting dental hygiene is likely to have long-term repercussions.

See if mom will coordinate with you about instigating a toothbrushing routine at your home, despite dad's laissez-faire attitude? As the child is young, it may also help if you and mom buy the same toothbrushes and toothpaste for him so there is a visual cue that the dental routine is the same at both homes. GL

He's only 8 yrs old and every 2 weeks gets taken away from the home, routine and food he knows to stay somewhere else.

It's not unexpected he might not be able to sleep in a strange room alone 2-4 nights a month and he will need kindness and support. A lot of dc struggle with this in their FT homes.

He's only 8 yrs old and every 2 weeks gets taken away from the home, routine and food he knows to stay somewhere else.

Even more reason for his dad to demonstrate consistency and that his and OPs home is just that, his other home. He’ll feel much more secure with routines, real life inc teeth brushing, proper food, bed times, boundaries.

Are you suggesting it’s a good idea, for him, his half siblings, his mum, OP or her DP that this little boy is fuelled by sweets, screens and being overtired because his parents split up and his dad is a crappy parent?

Can’t see many RPs being happy their child is neglected and Disneyed like this when with the NRP. In fact it’s often stated on here how hard that makes life for them.

He's with his family,he goes regularly. He's not a victim. Dad needs to step up

My ex was like this with his DD, drove me insane & properly ruined that poor kid.

I was so relieved that I didn’t have to deal with the situation once we split but I know that child will struggle as she grows up & realises that the world doesn’t revolve around her & rules apply to her too.

My ex blatantly did it out of guilt & wanting his time with her to be happy & we talked about it a lot - he never changed.

The only way I learnt to deal with it was to distance myself from the situation & let him get on with it - not healthy & breeds resentment.

I’m sorry that I don’t have any more positive things to say but it is the kids that suffer in a situation like this.

Step parenting is a very controversial role on MN and I do not have any experience of it. However, in your position i couldn’t condone this kind of neglect of a child in my home. For example, I wouldn’t let a child go to bed without brushing their teeth while they were in my home. It doesn’t matter who they are - DC, DSC, friends of the DC, waifs and strays - everyone has to brush their teeth, get washed, get their PJs on and read/listen to a story before bed! Because that’s how it works here and that’s the responsibility adults have to children, regardless of whose offspring they are.
I’m not blaming you OP but do you get where I’m coming from?