AIBU to feel sad and judged about my relationship with my son

[JeanieAdriana]

My son is 12, he is very tall and big for his age and looks much older. He has ASD and is the kindest, most sensitive and loving son I could have hoped for. We call him our gentle giant.

When we are out in public he likes to hold my hand and stay close, he instigates this. I often see people look and stare, it’s as if they are trying to work out the relationship between us, no doubt some may think he is my toy boy!

We’ve just been out taking the dog for a walk. A man heard my son call me mum and actually said ‘he’s a bit old to be holding your hand isn’t he?’ I said ‘he’s only 12’. We carried on walking and I heard the woman with him muttering something about me ‘babying him’ and how it was ‘ridiculous to be holding his mums hand at his age’.

As I said this hand holding comes from my son, not me. Should I be trying to discourage it?

Carry on. I still cuddle my 18 year old and I'm certain he'd hold my hand when out if I needed him to or he felt he wanted too. He wouldn't but he'd do it for me.

Ask them what they are scared of that they have to try and stop you doing such a lovely thing. Ask them who they think they are to comment.

My DS (14), also ASD, used always go to hold my hand - he is sometimes not great about personal space in general (eg with his peers) so I gently moved the hand-holding into arm-linking. I think of it in his case as a social skill and awareness of self and others - not necessarily masking, but just awareness. That might not work for you of course, and in one way who cares what other people think but you might be doing him a favour if he tends to try to hold the hand of others who might not want to hold hands with him - my son at 12 would often try to hold hands with friends.

My DS who is also 12, doesn't hold hands....except when we cross the road. Which I love. Takes me back to when he was a toddler and as long as he is happy to do it, I'm happy to accept it. Ignore the naysayers. They're talking rot.

My NT 5ft 6, 12 year old DS still sometimes holds my hand in public, I don’t see anything wrong in it all.

Those people were bloody rude arseholes OP and should keep their dickheaded tosspot opinions to themselves!

DS13 holds my hand in public and hugs and kisses a lot. He is just a very affectionate person as am I. I would say you are the lucky one OP.

What other people think of us is none of our business. Carry on enjoying the fact that your son is loving towards you. It’s got nothing to do with anyone else.

Why are people such judgey arses.
Ignore, ignore, ignore.
You and your boy sound lovely.

People who say these kind of things do have an issue with a mother holding hands with her DD, not arm linking though. I have heard taunts of lezza towards women and girls in this situation.
As I said it does depend where you live. If others do this where you live, then crack on.

I'm a parent of two boys with special needs and I get judged all.. day.. long... by strangers, by acquaintances, by neighbours, by family, by teachers, by doctors etc. I've had to learn to let it go. I used to get really upset about it all but that didn't help me. So now I get that the world and his auntie think I'm the shittiest parent known to ever walk this earth and that's absolutely fine by me as I know the truth. People are judgemental and their lack of empathy comes from a place of ignorance and sometimes from a place of being super smug with themselves as obviously they think they are much better than you. They are not. They are deluded. You hold away at your son's hand, what a lovely relationship you have.

My 5ft 9 soon to be 12 year old in 5 days time does!!

He is enormous - luckily for him I am 6ft 1 and Dad 6ft 5, but inside he is still very young. We have had this since he was 7 yrs old - he now pipes up to anyone stupid enough to comment - your just jealous because she is the best mum in the world!!

I just beam and walk on!!

Love him - even though none of his school clothes fit and I am broke!!

Not at all. Your son will stop when he is ready. If you can, ignore obtrusive comments from other people. The matter is none of their business and if your son asks about it say so and tell him it is up to him. Say you are happy to hold his hand whenever he wishes.

DD is 10 and still sleeps in my bed sometimes, her choice. She has a bedtime story every night, her choice. Always takes my hand out in public, her choice. Folk have commented she is too old. I tell them to fuck off. She’ll stop when she is ready.

I find 'What on earth does it have to do with you!' really effective when people won't mind their own business.

It's more polite (giving me the moral high ground) than 'Fuck off!' which is what I really want to say, but bluntly rude enough to stop them in their tracks - particularly if said in a sharply raised tone...

The only possible answer for them to give is 'Nothing,' if they are honest.

My kick in the ass off 6' 14yr old often holds my hand/link.arms when we are out. If anyone said anything they would get their head in their hands to play with! He isn't babied at all its his choice. He doesn't care what anyone thinks.
And he loves s cuddle up with me, long may it last.

My older teen will basically walk behind me😂😂 Just different personalities.

If you are insistent on feeling judged by external strangers, be judged by this:

Holding hands with your son demonstrates you are a wonderful mother who is responsive to her son's needs.

Bollocks to anyone who says different. Although I personally find a 'jealous much?!' with a smile and a laugh puts them off (aside from the tutting. I love the tutting)

He sounds exactly like my son. Very tall, very gentle and loving and warm, ASD, and just ten. He still wants to sit on my lap, loves holding my hand, just loves cuddles and affection generally.

He was also unable to cope outside a buggy till he was 4 or so, whereas my girl walked everywhere from less than 2. People thought I was babying him then, too. I wasn't. I was responding to the child I had, not a set of rules.

People are idiots. You're responding to what he needs and wants emotionally and making him feel secure and loved. That's our job. If they think a child and mum showing affection is wrong, then they have issues themselves. Not our problem.

My 13yo with ASD needs to be held on to for his own safety. Sometimes, if I need to be sure of him not getting distracted and jumping into the road or getting lost in a crowd, I hold his hand or wrist. I find it physically more comfortable to link arms and I think he does that with staff at school. Occasionally, he insists on an arm around him, when he's feeling vulnerable.

It's his normal. I'm not going to get it into danger because of supposed social niceties. I'm sure I'd get more disapproving looks if he stepped in front of a car, or got lost.

I live in Spain I often see parents holding hands with kids young and old so sweet seeing 40 year olds holding their mum or dads hands...although strangely they will also cup each others behinds....is this normal in Spain? I don’t know...malicious no.

Don't worry about it. It's them with the problem not you I was still holding my dad's hand at 13/14 we used to get some looks but I'd just think they were sad or jealous.

"Aren't you a little old to be such a twat?" (Head tilt)

I used to walk along hand in hand or arm in arm with my parents (am in my 40s). My teenage DC sometimes do it with me (if I'm not too embarassing ) . I miss holding my DFs hand since he died 5 years ago.

same here,ive had his for years as both kids have been massive since birth

both have multiple disabilities each and asd being one

im 6ft(female) so oldest isnt towering over me but people still think hes a young man

14 y old is 6ft 2 10st 8(149 llbs) with size 12 feet and has that teenage fluff above his lip and stubble and spots,he does look 18/19

9 y old(just)is 5ft 3 already ,size 6 shoe and already just over 9 stone(125 llbs)

so i have very larger than normal kids

14 y old is mentally 10/11 the 9 y old 4/5

both are home educated so we do activities in the day when they are the only school age kids there and people just expect toddlers

both need 24 hour supervision so when i or their dad watch them all the time and and dont leave them as neither can be without a adult we have had comments and looks about being a helicopter parents then i have to explain no hes only (what ever age)and has disabilities

my partner is quiet im not,ive put many in their place over shitty comments about they shouldn't be here due to age/height and should be in school

the 55+generation is the worse tbh

here there is a age limit not height limit in play centers and its 11 so my youngest has years yet so we still go and the amount of times ive had rows with toddler parents about him not belonging there is in the hundred,i always say dont matter how bloody big he is hes still bloody 8(havent been since he was 9 as its the summer holiday and he cant cope)

i cant advice ignore comments as im not that type i always respond very quickly with a fuck off or what fucking business is it of yours if its nasty,if its just questions i explain nicely