AIBU to feel sad and judged about my relationship with my son

[JeanieAdriana]

My son is 12, he is very tall and big for his age and looks much older. He has ASD and is the kindest, most sensitive and loving son I could have hoped for. We call him our gentle giant.

When we are out in public he likes to hold my hand and stay close, he instigates this. I often see people look and stare, it’s as if they are trying to work out the relationship between us, no doubt some may think he is my toy boy!

We’ve just been out taking the dog for a walk. A man heard my son call me mum and actually said ‘he’s a bit old to be holding your hand isn’t he?’ I said ‘he’s only 12’. We carried on walking and I heard the woman with him muttering something about me ‘babying him’ and how it was ‘ridiculous to be holding his mums hand at his age’.

As I said this hand holding comes from my son, not me. Should I be trying to discourage it?

I'm mixed about this. It's lovely that you have such a close relationship. But if you are getting a lot of feedback from other people that the two of you walking together looks odd, that is valid information that you might want to pay attention to. All children have to be socialized to behave appropriately in public, even though it separates us a bit from them. The process can be more difficult for us as parents when a child is especially vulnerable or tender-hearted. But it can help a child to become more independent to learn to behave in a more adult manner, and that is a very loving gift a parent can give, too.

Ignore them, my ds is almost 18, 6ft and a rugby player. He grabbed my hand as I was crossing the road the other day and he couldn't care less his mates were there. He will also give me hugs in public.

I saw a mother holding her sons hand the other day. He looked around 13/14 but he could have just been tall. No idea if he has an additional needs and tbh it didn’t even occur to me. It just looked so sweet. I hope my boys are this affectionate when they’re older.

I have 2 teenage brothers who are 16 and 14, around a year ago we had a bbq for my DP's birthday at our house and my MiL (must add we do not get on but that's a whole other story) said it was disgusting as my brother kiss me on the cheek to greet me. She said it's inappropriate because of their age.

Keep holding his hand and skip past the assholes

My son is 15 and he still.holds my hand. You were unlucky to meet a knobhead.

My lad is 15 tommorow, he holds my hand when out and about, he has asd aswell, i couldnt give a crap what people say.
I have 2 other teens that wont even go shopping with me as thats too embarrassing so i love that my 15yo doesnt give a damn

My NT 12 year old son also holds my hand when we are out. I make sure we are not holding hands around his friends or around his school but I see no reason to stop it until he wants to.

If I heard that I'd have had something to say about them being judgemental, awful people.
My dd is 15 and will walk round town linking my arm, she has aspergers but it isn't because of this, she just likes being close sometimes.

I think this is lovely. My son is 14 and he always holds my hand or links arms when we're out. He's a really affectionate person and I will never discourage this.

I think OP, that you're sadly going to have to come to terms with the fact that there are a lot of twats everywhere. This board is a case in point.

People hate being pulled up on being judgemental twats and they argue the point about 'freedom of speech' and 'you're not a prefect' when somebody does say something. I expect some of them will post on this thread in support of you, not seeing the irony of their judgemental nonsense on another thread.

That's what you're/we're dealing with. Hell really is other people sometimes.

Carry on doing what you're doing, it's nobody else's business - and develop a thicker skin because the judgements are going to be made regardless. Don't let them get between you and your son.

My Dd 12, still occasionally chooses to hold hands..... I secretly love it.

I think it's lovely.

My 13 & 14 year old sons like a hand hold when they are sure we will not bump into anyone from school etc. I have been trying to gently discourage it at times though I don't want to....
think I will carry on

Not discouraging it. I will carry on enjoying it.

my MiL (must add we do not get on but that's a whole other story) said it was disgusting as my brother kiss me on the cheek to greet me. She said it's inappropriate because of their age.

The fuck?
I don't know what's wrong with some people.

I think linking arms is looked on less judgmentally generally.
OP I am going to go against the grain slightly and say it depends where you live. If you live in an area where others do not do this, then you are setting up your DS to get bullied for it. If you see others doing it too, then fine.
I know we should not care what others think. But there are social norms about behaviour in public and going way outside the social norms for where you live can have unpleasant consequences.

I love it when my 10yr DS reaches for my hand when we’re out walking. I know it won’t be for much longer as I have adult DSS so I’m aware of how quickly they grow up.

DD is 13 and still holds my hand when she wants to. She’s an affectionate kid and I won’t discourage that. I’m lucky.

You need to discourage yourself from caring about what strangers think/say. It’s really got nothing to do with you. They are judgemental and narrow minded and that is their problem. Your know what your son needs, they don’t. Of course he should carry on holding your hand.

I hold hands with my parents and my kids (15 and 19) hold hands with me! Not all together at the same time, it would be just totally silly to walk 5 people like that but you get my drift! :D

Great video @PongoPongo.

OP, I hope my son wants to hold my hand when he’s 12. I come from a family of rather cold and unaffectionate non-handholders so I’m hoping to buck the trend with my son. I think it’s lovely he still feels so close to you and testament to your strong and secure connection. I doubt you’ll ever come to regret holding hands with your still-young son in days to come, but you will regret altering your behaviour to suit rude strangers.

My 15 year old has held my hand and linked arms when we are out on our own. I think it's lovely. He's a very typical large rugby build.

I find it extraordinary the ignorance of some people, whom have a need to comment on something, that has nothing whatsoever do with them, and doesn't impact them in anyway.
Bizarre.

They're to be pitied I suppose.

My DS who has SN holds my hand.........anyone who has a problem with it can fuck off quite frankly.

Sadly, I let other people influence how I parented my autistic DS and I really regret it now. If your DS feels more secure holding your hand and you're happy with it, let the nosies wonder. Maybe invest in some passive aggressive t-shirts like "Yes, he has autism. Now mind your own business".

I still hold my mum's hand sometimes and I'm nearly 30

My son who has no additional needs used to hold my hand when he was 12. Why on earth not, if neither of you have an issue with it? My dad called him a "baby" for doing it once and I nearly hit the roof. I actually think it's a sexist remark, as no one seems to have issues with mothers holding hands with their teenage girls.